“Jiyong hyung actually hated this 5-member-unit.”

“Really?”, the hosts ask in surprise.

“Yes, originally he was going to make a hip hop due with Taeyang hyung, like DEUX in the 90s.”

Jiyong watches the youngest as he’s speaking to the hosts. The leader's nodding his head, smiling to the camera, his fingers are playing with the fabric of his shirt. Well here we go.

Because 10 years ago, Jiyong would said he didn't wanted little Seunghyun.
 

“He can’t be serious!”, a 18-year-old boy wearing a beanie that covering most of his messy hair, was stomping his feet on the ground furiously.

“I know, Jiyong.”, the other boy who was calmly sitting in the corner of the room agreed, “But I think sajang-nim has his reasons, maybe he thought it’d be better that way.”

“You too, Youngbae?”, the so-called Jiyong hissed, “We have been here for like, 6 years, Youngbae! 6 freaking years! We’re not prepared for this. I’m not prepared for this.”

“It’s not really that bad, you know. We can work this out. I mean, you like them too, don’t you? I wouldn’t mind having Seunghyun hyung or Daesung, and-” Youngbae suddenly stopped.

“And little Seunghyun?”, Jiyong smirked, and rolled his eyes in disgust, “I just can’t stand the idea him standing on the same stage with us.”

-

Actually, little Seunghyun wasn’t that bad. He could make a hell of an omelette with his secret family recipe, he sometimes joined Daesung’s silly jokes so everyone would laugh and forget about the harsh training process, he could wake up in the middle of the night to get the water just because their dorm ran out of water. But that was it. Little Seunghyun messed up his performances so many times that no one would actually pay attention to him, he was too cocky for his own age, and people started to get tired of telling him to fix his attitude, he was sleeping when the other were practicing, just because he thought he could dance better than anyone else. In short, Jiyong thought he was just not good enough.

And Jiyong honestly thought it was unfair, because Seunghyun hyung and Daesung, and even Hyunseung had been working too hard. Jiyong liked Hyunseung for some reasons, more like he had a soft spot for that boy. Hyunseung was a quiet little boy who knew what to do, Hyunseung was not perfect, but Jiyong knew he had tried so hard to get there. Hyunseung stayed up late practicing his singing skill, he’s the first one to wake up to get to practice. Hyunseung was not that good, but he was good enough. The day sajang-nim said Hyunseung and little Seunghyun were eliminated, Jiyong wasn’t surprised (even though he was the one who cried his eyes out saying goodbye too Hyunseung, while Youngbae was the only one who said goodbye to little Seunghyun). He wasn’t surprised when both of them came back for the second chance, either. But what was shocking the most to Jiyong, was that in the end, little Seunghyun was the chosen one.

And that pissed him off. He didn’t ask for this. What he wanted in the first place was the perfect duo with Youngbae, which he had been waiting for years. Now, he had to come up with other three people. Seunghyun hyung and Daesung were okay, since Jiyong had heard Daesung’s angelic voice, and Seunghyun hyung’s perfect rapping. His problem was little Seunghyun, that confident Gwangju boy who thought he could do everything.

Little Seunghyun was not the perfect maknae that Jiyong had ever wanted.

And so the training process continued, even though sajang-nim said they were already officially a boy group then. They began to getting closer to each other. Jiyong had tried to be okay. Youngbae learnt the way to except the group too. Jiyong could see the way his best friend started to care for the three other boys, even little Seunghyun. But Jiyong could not. He just could get rid of the thought that little Seunghyun didn’t deserve it, so he ignored the boy. He didn’t reply when the younger call him, he didn’t answer when the younger asked him what was for dinner, he didn’t even look at the younger probably. He pretended that little Seunghyun didn’t even exist, and of course the youngest noticed that. But why did he need to care anyway? He told himself he hated that little boy who dreamt too much.

The thing was, Jiyong started to realized that little Seunghyun may have liked him, when he should have hated him or ignored him. In some point, Jiyong would say that it was because little Seunghyun started to admire the leader for some reason. Little Seunghyun followed Jiyong everywhere he went, his panda eyes lightened up just a little bit when Jiyong walked into the room (not that Jiyong noticed little Seunghyun had such ridiculously alike panda eyes), he secretly gave Jiyong a bigger portion of his omelette whenever he cooked for the whole group, he picked up Jiyong’s laundry, folded them nicely and put them in Jiyong’s place when the leader was too tired to fold some freaking clothing.

Little Seunghyun liked him.

Of all the hate that Jiyong had given him, little Seunghyun still liked him, admired him, adored him. Something about that made Jiyong’s stomach feel weird.

Why could little Seunghyun like him so much? And why did he feel guilty for nothing?

“You still don’t like him, do you?” Youngbae asked him one day and Jiyong decided to be quiet this time, “Just try to be closer, he’s not that bad, really!”

Jiyong didn’t really care about what Youngbae said. He joined Daesung’s silly jokes, he went out for a walk with Seunghyun hyung alone sometimes, and he even called Hyunseung to come by their dorm, he did everything he could to connect with the group, just not with little Seunghyun, despite the sparlking panda eyes were always looking up at him.

-

“Just stop it!” The whole room went silent after a furious scream, “Just stay away from me! Stop following me!”

The little boy at the corner didn’t even dare to look up, as the other three boys looked terrified.

“I-I’m sorry-” Little Seunghyun sounded he was choked up, and he stepped back closer to the wall, somehow tried to shrivel himself up, wishing he could have disappeared. He looked so scared, and he looked so small, his hands were shaking behind his back. That was the first time Jiyong had seen little Seunghyun like this. He looked like a little kid who was being caught doing something wrong, and the fact that he did absolutely nothing wrong made Jiyong even more furious.
 
Why was he so angry anyway? Jiyong didn't even know.

“Jiyong, calm down. You are too much.” Youngbae raised his hand to pat lightly on his best friend’s arm to cool him down, but only to be smashed away.

“No, I’m sick of him! He couldn’t do anything, he is not deserved to be here, and I can’t stand of seeing him anymore.” And that Jiyong stomped out of the room, slamming door and crashing stuff as he walked, so that everyone could hear that he was annoyed. He was annoyed of the fact that little Seunghyun liked him so much. He hated that even though he had always pushed little Seunghyun away, the younger still looked up at him with his shining eyes, as if Jiyong was someone great, as if Jiyong was a hero, only that Jiyong was not.

There was something tightening inside his chest when he thought about the way that panda eyes lightened up when the younger see him, and the way he had just yelled at him for doing nothing.

Little Seunghyun shouldn’t have liked him at all.


That night Jiyong couldn’t sleep, so he decided to go back to practice room and rehearse some dancing moves (he and Seunghyun hyung were never good at dancing, to be honest) to clear up his mind. He quietly flipped the blanket off, and since all five of them had to sleep together on the ground as their dorm was too small, Jiyong immediately realized little Seunghyun hadn't returned to the dorm yet.

Where is he? Jiyong thought. But then he still grabbed a jacket because it was in the middle of winter, and carefully left the room without waking everybody up, forcing himself to ignore the absence of the maknae.

As he reached the practice room, Jiyong realized that the lights were still on, and that he knew just exactly where little Seunghyun was. Jiyong quietly peeked in, and there he was, little Seunghyun standing in front of the mirror, with headphone on his ears, as his body jumping up and down through the music.

Wait, how long had he been here? It was too late already, and Jiyong remembered that the younger didn’t come back to the dorm for dinner that night. And the leader also recalled a few times back then when he found little Seunghyun returned to the dorm really late at night, and Jiyong wondered that if he was staying up late at the studio all those times.

As Jiyong was quietly watching the maknae from outside, he realized t