The first thing Chan-mi did when she got home was open up her journal. She’d been so excited and anxious, talking to her crush.  She couldn’t believe he’d even almost carried her home after the hospital.  Her thoughts flew down onto the paper.  How many years had she watch him and hoped to talk to him, like they’d done today… like friends?  Every rumour she’d heard, said she was a snob, but the truth was she was just really shy.  So shy that she’d not dated or ever even kissed a boy.  The closest contact was team dancing projects. When she’d become sick, then it was just easier not to have close friends or tell anyone about it. It was often lonely, but at least there was no need to apologize when she couldn’t attend things, due to chemotherapy.

 

At school, she saw Jay Park arrive on his motorcycle with his girlfriend Seo Eun Gyo. Chan-mi couldn’t help feeling a little jealousy, because Eun Gyo was cute and had all of Jay’s attention.  On top of that, the girl was so good at ballet.  She’d surly be able to pick and choose which company contract to sign after graduation.  But Chan-mi saw how happy Jay was with Eun Gyo and that made her smile. His smile and happiness always boosted her mood too.

 

She had a lot of work to do on her solo and booked a studio for rehearsal after classes ended. The music was playing as she worked through the steps.  She sang the lyrics, because sometimes it helped her remember the choreography.

 

Jay checked the studio rooms to see which one Chan-mi was in.  He found the one and opened the door, leaning against the wall.  He watched her dance. How she had energy to do that, he was truly amazed.  The doctor had told him that with acute leukemia, that had progressed so much, came with intense pain.  Even the doctor didn’t know how she endured it.  Jay couldn’t help worrying about her.  When she tripped, he stepped into the studio, letting the door close.

 

“Hey, how’s it going?”

 

“Good, check this out,” she did a high kick.

 

Jay laughed, then pulled on the cap she was wearing.  “This is cute.”

 

“Thanks.” 

 

He turned to go and waived, “see you around.”

 

She returned the waive, “bye Jay.”  Chan-mi sighed in frustration.  How lame, why couldn’t she find the courage to talk to him more?  Men were dense, couldn’t he see how badly she wanted to hang out with him?  Was he blind to her affection?

 

Peaking out the door, she saw why he’d not stayed long.  There was Eun Gyo, waiting for him.  They hugged each other and then left.  Looking out the studio window, she saw him help Eun Gyo get the helmet on and then they rode off together.  She wanted to hate them, but the only person she could blame for being alone, was herself.  Chan-mi knew better than anyone, that life wasn’t fair.  When she was angry at the world, she went to the arcade.  Here she played the games that let her punch and shoot targets.  There was also pin ball, dancing and racing games.  It’s actually where she’d first caught a glimpse of Jay.  He was playing air hockey with another guy, but loosing. Even so he had been laughing and clowning around.  She’d laughed from afar and gone home happy.

 

Today was no exception. She was angry at her situation.  In hip hop class, she was in line with the other students, when Jay had stood beside her. She moved over, so he’d had room.  When she messed up the choreography, Jay went over the steps with her. But as soon class was over, he ditched her to find his girlfriend. Today even shooting things on the video game, didn’t cheer her up.  Sitting down at the racing game, she drove badly and her racing car was so damaged it blew up.  Starting a new game, out of the corner of her eye, she saw someone sit at the game beside her.  Looking over, her smile grew, it was Jay Park.

 

He laughed at her terrible driving skills.  After that game, he took her over to the karaoke machine and they sung a song. Next they played air hockey and she was pretty sure he was letting her win on purpose. Jay loved seeing her laugh and giggle.  The happiness even penetrated her eyes, something he’d observed lately didn’t happen often. Again he walked home with her, before saying good night.

 

At home, Chan-mi relived every moment at the arcade, by writing each detail in her journal.  She’d read it before bed and dream about it.  Sometimes he’d be on her mind so much, that the night was sleepless.  These days when she’d see him, he’d often catch her eye and smile or wink her way. What she was feeling for him was confusing.  Was she hoping for him to be her boyfriend or could she be satisfied with just his friendship?

 

The next day during hip hop class, she got a really bad head ache and it was Jay who noticed she was getting a nose bleed.  He helped her out of the class room.  

 

“Don’t let them see me like this,” Chan-mi whispered.

 

He lead her to the girls’ washroom.  “Are you going to be okay? Should I take you home?”

 

“No… I’ll be fine now.  Thanks.” She disappeared into the washroom, barely able to think straight, the pain was so intense.

 

Jay returned to class, exchanging a knowing look with the teacher.  After class he went to look for her, but she wasn’t around.  He saw her friend Lee Soo-mi.  “Have you seen Chan-mi?”

 

“She was in the hip hop studio, something about finishing what she missed in class.”

 

“Thanks,” Jay said, already jogging towards the studio.

 

When he looked in, he saw her clutching her head, on her knees.  He opened the door, “hey, you should go home, this can wait.”

 

“I can’t, mom’s home and I don’t want her seeing me like this,” Chan-mi gasped.

 

“Okay, then no more dancing. Just sit here with me a little while,” Jay said.

 

“Don’t you have to go somewhere, like meet your girlfriend?” She asked, trying to take deep breaths to ease the pain.  “I sound like someone giving birth.”

 

“Probably that hurts less. And no I don’t have to go anywhere.  I have to work on my lyrics.”  He kept talking softly, hoping she wouldn’t pass out again.  He gave her his hand, “hold on if it helps.”

 

Chan-mi clutched her ankle instead, she didn’t want to hurt him, as another wave of pain flowed over her body.  Jay pried her hand off her leg and laced his fingers through hers. She squeezed, like a death hold, no longer able to think what she was doing.  All effort was getting through the pain and still breathing.  Only when her grip lessened, did he know that the pain was receding.

 

“Would you read me your lyrics?” She finally asked. Her chin dropped, almost like her head was too heavy.

 

“They . I write fine in english, but not in Korean.  I’ll read them to you, if you lean your head on my shoulder. I promise not to move without telling you,” Jay vowed.

 

“Thank you,” she said softly.

 

Once her head touched his shoulder, he read his lyrics. He rapped them in english and then tried to do the same in Korean.  She unlaced her hand from his and held it out for the two papers he read from.

 

“May I?” Chan-mi asked.  “Dad taught me english, before he left.  He used it for work.”

 

“It’ll probably hurt your head more, they’re that bad.”

 

She smiled, “I’ll read it only if you want to share.”

 

Jay gave her the lyrics and she removed her head from his shoulder.  “Read at your own risk.”

 

“This is dope.  It’s just you’ve got to change some words or how you rap it, cause direct translation doesn’t always work.” She made some changes to the Korean version and handed it back. “Will you rap it now in Korean?”

 

He read her changes and his smile was big.  Jay rapped the words in Korean.  He had to admit that it sounded good.  “Thanks for the help.”

 

“Can I suggest something else?”

 

“Sure, what?” Glad that he was distracting her from the pain.

 

“This part, where you do the chorus, sing it and just rap the rest.”

 

“So sing; ‘keep thinking, keep thinking, keep thinking about you…?”

 

“Yes and leave ‘you’re a y chick, girl…’ in english.  As for the beat, check out Sound Cloud for the guys Loco or Gray.” Chan-mi reached for her bag and took a sip of water.

 

Jay waited until she finished, then asked, “wow, I didn’t know you wrote music too.”

 

“I don’t, my only true talent is dancing, but I do know what sounds good.”  She slowly stood up.  “Thanks again for staying with me.  I hope I didn’t hurt your hand.”

 

“No problem, you helped me a lot…. I was thinking, do you want to work together for the showcase?”

 

“Some of your steps are beyond me,” she confessed.

 

“We’ll change it, so it works for both of us.  Don’t say no yet, think about it and let me know tomorrow… Do you think you can ride behind me on my motorcycle, so I can take you home?”

 

She nodded, “I’ve never ridden before.”

 

“Just hold on to my waist and don’t wiggle around,” he coached.

 

“Okay, let’s go. I’m fine now.” 

 

Jay helped her with the helmet, tightening the chin strap for her.  He got on first and then told her to get on behind him, after the motorcycle was running.  She wrapped her arms around his waist, as he’d instructed.  He moved off slowly and once on the road, gave more gas, smoothly changing gears.  It was scary and exhilarating all at once.  The best part was being so close to Jay. In no time she was home.  He stopped the motorcycle.  Once she’d dismounted, he undid the helmet.  Jay watched her walk to her door and waive good-bye, before riding away.