"How irrational of you, Kim Mingyu. You clearly know that it's stupid to think that he's seeing someone else when he already very briefly said that he will stay with you and you alone until his very last breath, so why are you still doubting it?" Mingyu tells himself over and over and over again for days and weeks and months. He doesn't know why he's still so skeptical about this matter, although more than half a year had already passed and there was still no real evidence that his boyfriend, Jeon Wonwoo, was cheating on him. He knows that everything he had thought of concerning this topic doesn't make sense at all, that he was just being completely nonsensical, and that Wonwoo was faithful and wasn't seeing another person, but nevertheless, "knowing" something isn't the same as "believing" or "feeling" something — at least to Mingyu, that is.

"You know it's not true, Mingyu. Wonwoo's a good person," his friends, family, basically everyone he knows, has told him at least once already, although Mingyu knew long before they told him. He tried his best to believe it, mentally scolding himself, repeating things over and over, looking for proof that Wonwoo really wasn't cheating on him. He knew it all from the beginning, but his brain still tells him otherwise.

"Look at him, Mingyu. Do you want to know what he's thinking about? He's probably thinking of a reason to leave you rationally, without putting the blame on him. Cheeky little . Look, his eyebrows are knitted together. He's thinking hard. He's pretending that he's reading something on his laptop, when he's actually thinking of ways to leave you. Or maybe, just maybe, he's thinking about.. her. The person that's on his mind everyday. The person he can boast to the world and not be ashamed of. The person he thinks is beautiful. The person he can marry without a problem. The person.. that's not you," his brain tells him, with a voice exactly like his, whispering lowly and quietly. The voice is always there, so loud that he can practically see it — it looks exactly like him, but at the same time, it's the complete opposite. It had the darkest eyes, with a color that looked like it was darker than black, wearing a devilish smirk, one that Mingyu could never express. That voice — it was already him, Mingyu; controlling him, controlling his thoughts, his words, his actions. But Mingyu can never be that voice. And just the thought of it frightens him, how a part of his brain eats him whole. It was just a voice, but compared to it, Mingyu himself was so very small.

Wonwoo closes his laptop and sets it down on the bedside table with a heavy sigh. Wonwoo's eyes wander around the room, only to find Mingyu curled up in a corner, staring at him with his big eyes. Wonwoo was shocked yet Wonwoo's lips form a crescent and his eyes disappear and his pearl-like teeth show and his nose scrunches up and he kind of looks like a rat in Mingyu's eyes, and Mingyu smiles back, and Mingyu loves it, because he looks cute, because he was the reason for that beautiful smile, and because he remembers that that's how he fell in love with him for the first time. 

Because he was beautiful.

"Ah ah ah! Don't let him fool you, Kim Mingyu!" the voice warns him yet again, and Mingyu is annoyed by the voice, and Mingyu wants to kill it, Mingyu wants it to go, Mingyu wants it to give him peace. But there was nothing he could do about it, nothing he could think of, nothing that the technology of the world could help, because no matter how many drugs he took, no matter how many appointments he went to, it was still there. It never left, it always just stuck around as if Mingyu's brain was its own bedroom. As if it was meant to stay there for the rest of its life.

"He may be beautiful but underneath that angelic smile, there is a liar. A liar who says he loves you and won't ever leave you and won't ever hurt you but doesn't love you, has already left you without you realizing, and hurts you every chance he gets. You're all alone in this world, Mingyu. There's no Wonwoo, no mom, no dad, no friends. All you've got now.. is me."

At that very moment, Mingyu screams because his blood is boiling and he is horrified because Mingyu wants it to stop but it just won't ing stop and the more that Mingyu is irritated the more it gets louder and louder until Mingyu can't even hear his own screams so Mingyu screams and screams and screams and Mingyu pulls his own hair and Mingyu clenches his teeth and Mingyu kicks the air with all the power that he has and everything in Mingyu's vision turns pitch black except for the voice and that's all that Mingyu can see, and Mingyu cries. He just.. cries. He wants it out of there, whatever that parasite was, and he's frustrated, so he cries. It's always been like this.

Wonwoo was holding Mingyu's legs down by sitting on them to stop him from involuntarily kicking the air and Mingyu felt a pair of arms around him. He recognizes those slim, cold arms and he recognizes that smell of soap and of sweat and of safety, and so Mingyu calms down a little, and he stops kicking, and he stops pulling on his hair, and he stops screaming, and he finally opens his eyes, but his breathing doesn't slow down a bit, as well as the beating of his heart, and more tears flow down his cheeks and he doesn't want to make Wonwoo's shirt wet but he just can't stop. It's like he just can't control anything in his body anymore.

"Shh, baby, shh," Wonwoo whispers lowly as a hand reaches to caress Mingyu's hair and although Wonwoo's hands are cold, they are at the same time warm, they are comforting, they felt like home and they felt like Mingyu belonged in them, and Mingyu whimpers, not because of Wonwoo, but because of the sting he felt inside his head.

Wonwoo sighs to collect himself and he looks down at Mingyu and whispers again, "Everything's gonna be alright now baby," and he kisses Mingyu's forehead and that's what calms Mingyu's breathing, although the tears are still there. Mingyu's widened eyes stare into nothing, and Wonwoo cries too. But unlike Mingyu, he is calm, he is silent, and his breathing is slowed down rather than quick and short. They stay that way, in the corner of the room, until a minute 一 now five 一 now ten 一 now thirty have passed, and Mingyu is shaking, still listening to the voice in his head. Wonwoo kisses Mingyu's forehead again, and then he gets up and leaves the room, looking at Mingyu before closing the door. Mingyu then tries to ignore the voice, but again, no matter how hard he tried, there was no escape, and after a minute or two Wonwoo comes back inside with a small tray and sits in front of Mingyu and sets the tray in between them. There was a glass of water, a candy bar, and Mingyu's antipsychotics. Wonwoo smiles at Mingyu and Mingyu eats the candy bar silently and drinks water silently and finally takes his drugs silently. The voice has temporarily disappeared and Mingyu couldn't be happier and Mingyu doesn't give a whether or not Wonwoo was cheating on him now.

Wonwoo tells him weakly that they should get ready for bed, and so they do. Wonwoo changes his shirt, and they brush their teeth together and then they went to watch a rather funny movie and frankly, yes, they were happy. Thank god for antipsychotic drugs.

And just before they turn the lights off, Wonwoo states, "I'm so lucky to have you. You know that, right Mingyu?"

"Yeah," Mingyu smiles brightly, but then the smile fades away, because he knows that these happy moments would too, fade away, but nevertheless, he says, "But I'm luckier because I have you."

Wonwoo chuckles lowly, and again, he looks like a rat to Mingyu, and Mingyu's smile returns but this time, it's bigger.

"I love you, no matter what," Wonwoo gives him a peck on the lips.

And then the lights went off, and Mingyu's eyes shut, with the last thing he saw being the most beautiful thing in the world 一 Jeon Wonwoo.

wtf is this even,,

sorry abt this lmao i just wrote bc i was sad

o i haven't updated in almost a year wtf