Dear Dae-ya,

Dear Jong Dae,

Dear Kim Jong Dae,

Yes, I am writing this letter to you after 2 months. I don't know exactly why I decided to do this. It seems wrong to me but I've already started and you know well enough that I can't stop until I've finished something so here goes. I might not even send this to you but I need to to do this, write out how I feel because I have no one to tell. Not even Chanyeol. You love receiving letters anyway so I hope that hasn't changed it this long and painful short amount of time. 

I haven't been able to move like you told me to. You must be so dissapointed but since I'm angry at you I don't think it matters. I don't think I'm angry anymore. I was very hurt to wake up exactly 2 months ago to you leaving me with just a stupid letter that explains nothing. Although it didn't exactly surprise me. I wonder when you decided to walk out the door, did you think of me? Or did you just wonder about the life now ahead of you. A life without me.

There are so many questions I wanted to ask you. I almost picked up the phone a few times a day on instinct to call you. And I did call a few times and heard you saying hello and that was painful enough. But all this questions I want to ask, I don't think you will answer me. "Baek Hyun, it's obvious, why are you asking?", you will say that would probably break me even more. All those times I asked you, 'Do you love me?' 'Do I look good?' 'Are you happy now?', you answer with that too and it makes me afraid of asking after a few times. Did you know that? You always asked it with an amused tone though which soothes me down.Except the very last time you said it. That was cold.

I tried to pack up your stuff to send it to your new address but I don't have it and I don't dare to ask our friends. I couldn't do it anyway, it makes it seem final, you leaving. I wonder if it looks nice, your new place, is it better than this apartment? Also, I guess if you really want your stuff back I can always ask Sehun to drop it off with you, you still work with him right? Just let me know. Or you can stop by, I mean you know where I live, yeah. I want to see you again.

Okay I am rambling again, even in a letter and I can feel you rolling your eyes while reading this. "Get to the point , Baekhyun.", you used to say with another amused tone so I better do that. Through this letter I tried to stay composed because I wanted to be mature, like you asked me to, like you said I should but I can't, Jong Dae-ya, I'm sorry. I've been crossing out so much through this letter, it's a mess so I'm going to just tell you whatever I'm thinking. This letter is such a mess just like my life I suppose. Even as I was writing this, I am tempted to just call you. Would you answer if you see me calling though? Since you tried calling back and I ignored you and I know you know I am ignoring the calls because my phone is glued to me. I can't miss that many calls in a day. 

Right, my point, sorry. I'm getting to it, I swear. I was cleaning out our, I mean my room when I found some videos of us that is in that CD that our friends burnt for us on our last anniversary. Do you remember it? I hope you do. We did so many stupid things, Dae, do you remember? We were so funny and so so stupid. Kyungsoo said "Stop being such a child, for god sake." at least 52 times in the video and I laughed everytime. I don't laugh much anymore but I really did watching that video. We were so happy and in love then, what happened?

Ignore that, I knew what happened. Am I to blame for the whole thing? I can't answer that question, can you answer it? You know how I kept myself angry at you for this long? I needed to blame the leaving on you. So I was angry at you by telling myself that you didn't give me a warning, we didnt have a talk, didn't fight, didn't break up, didn't even ignore each other. How was I supposed to know, right? Wrong.

Because now I'm telling you all this, I have to be honest with myself. It's only fair. You dropped plenty of hints. Not hints you are leaving me, not just that, even at the start, hints that you were breaking, that you couldn't take it anymore. Subtle at first, crying at spilled milk when you never cry even for big moments like your father's death earlier this year, eliminating all your smiley faces from text, telling me to stop doing something with a different tone, no longer amusing or filled with love. Then the hints shift from 'Baekhyun please stop' to 'Baekhyun I think I can't take it anymore.' Now the hints were glaring, you stopped showering with me, you stick to the side of the bed, you stopped playing with my hair, you stopped smiling that angelic bright smile that chases away the demons inside of me because you were scared of who I've become, aren't you? I'm basically that demon now.

So yes, I saw all the signs. Saw your face and eyes scream Baekhyun I love you but I can't, Baekhyun you are hurting me but mostly yourself and I can't just do nothing, Baekhyun come back to me. But then I ignored them, pretend everything was still blissful, pretend you are happy with this monster I called me. Pretend you don't know what I've been doing each day or what I'm doing and lastly, I pretended I didn't see how much I tore you apart, put you back together slightly to tear you down again. When you started a week before, telling me stuff subtly like, "You should cook tonight, it's about time you learn, what if I'm not here anymore?" "I'm so tired of this, Baek." "Don't say sorry if you are going to do it again." "Tomorrow I'm waking up early, you don't have to kiss me good morning, okay? Just sleep and ignore the alarm, baby." I should have known, wait, I do know but I guess I was too good of pretending at that point

Oh yes, my point. I don't think I have one, Dae, I'm sorry. Are you sick of my sorrys yet? I bet you are. So let's make that a point for this letter. To apologize for everything way pass the right timing. I needed a place to let out how I feel because in the past when we were together, you could guess and see how I feel without me even opening my mouth. Then you'll reassure me just the right way. Only you could do that all my life. Can you see it this time? You're not here to fix me now. Okay so yeah, for the last time, well I hope it's the last :

I'm sorry, my love.   

Forever yours,  

Baekhyun.

Dear loyal subscribers,

Hi.

My fellow readers who have been waiting tirelesly for me to update my fics especially WJDBC and also Letters of Tomorrow. I'm so sorry I couldn't do it for months, tbh, I haven't been to this site for that long, haven't been reading fanfics for that long which was since I guess around the time Luhan left? After Kris left, I told you nothing will change, he will still be in my fics, I will still write and love EXO but then Luhan left and I guess I took it harder because I loved him first, before Chen crept into my heart and you never forget your first love, not Luhan. So it hit me harder and slowly I didn't realize my passion for writing left with Luhan. So now with the rumours Tao is leaving, I am healing with reading all the new fics that popped up while I was away from the fanfic world and I get so much inspiration.

I started writing, wanting to update but this, them leaving is still stuck on me, I needed to release so I found the only way I know how, with a fanfic on leaving but I'm apologizing instead to Kris, Luhan and maybe Tao. I have been selfish, wanting so much from Exo, expecting too much so I'm sorry to our boys. In this, I wrote what seem to be as subtly how I feel when they left although some parts are really me being Baek Hyun and imagining Jong Dae left with his heart. I think for now, to ease myself back into writing, I will do this, writing letters to Jong Dae. Thanks for the immense support I still get almost daily with comments and PM from you all asking me to be strong and please do keep messaging me and I'll reply all of them now because it's helping, thank you internet family. Trust me, please, I will update those other fanfics you all want the moment I get back the standard I used to have, now I feel like I'm writing rubbish. This above might be rubbish but it's my healing, bear with me. This turned into like a letter to you guys, sorry.

I don't know if the next letter should be a reply of Jong Dae to Baek Hyun or Baek Hyun sending another letter to a imaginary reply of Jong Dae so we only see the side that is Baek Hyun. So you have to guess what Jong Dae have replied. Can you help me choose?

Another thing, which story of mine are you looking forward to? I'm so curious.

I'm sorry and thank you.

For everything.

We are one, still,

Seo Yeon. xxx