RESONANCE

PHYSICS: the reinforcement or prolongation of sound by reflection from a surface

or by the synchronous vibration of a neighboring object.

Have you ever

fallen in love

with someone

you shouldn’t?

Ever tried to fight

your feelings,

but you just couldn’t?

You fell deeper

with each passing day.

And desperately,

you tried to hide it,

in every possible way.

Seungyoon hated her, and if looks could kill, she would have been dead more than half an hour ago. He hated the way she tossed her head back, hated the way she giggled at almost every end of a sentence he spoke, hated the way she crossed her legs and pulled him close. She was rubbing it in his face - touching something, someone, so dear to him so freely.

“Seungyoonnie, you go on without me…” he stops poking at his food and looks up, Jinwoo says it with such a disarming smile, the sort that had him wanting to give him everything the world had to offer in a silver platter, “…I’m gonna take her home first, then head back.”

He tries to ignore the butterflies the elder has roused and nods, despite the fact that the protesting voices in his head has gotten much much louder. He paused for a moment taking a healthy swig of the juice he ordered, hands lightly trembling. He focused on gulping down the cold liquid and hoped that it’s enough to quell the fire raging inside.

Standing outside the café, he bids the couple good bye and forces himself to smile. Jinwoo returns it easily, squeezes his hand and whispers to him that he’ll be back before he knows it – but Seungyoon knew deep down, even if he comes home to him tonight, he’s not the one Jinwoo wants to stay with. The elder still hasn’t let go of his hand, he squeezes it back and wills in his mind for the other boy to stay. His eyes search for Jinwoo’s other hand, he finds it tightly clasped with hers. He laughs softly and bites his lip, trying his best not to lose his composure and cry.

“I got it, hyung!” He cheekily replies after a beat, sliding his hand out of Jinwoo’s and playfully shoving him – acting like it was no big deal when really, it was breaking his heart. He did his best to sound and look cheery, fully aware that Jinwoo was watching him, the older boy’s pretty eyes searching his – almost as if he wanted Seungyoon to say something more. But two can play this game, Seungyoon thinks. He bites his tongue, intent on upholding his already gnawed upon pride. The last thing he wanted is to be found out.

“Then, later.” The elder says with finality and Seungyoon isn’t sure if Jinwoo sounded disappointed then or slightly upset. He watches her snake an arm around his waist, watches her nuzzle his neck and whisper something in his ear that made him beam. And for a split second Seungyoon saw red, he seriously contemplated grabbing her neck and dragging her down the street, away from him.

“Seungyoonnie, be careful on your way back.”

He looks at Jinwoo’s face a final time, memorizing his soft beautiful features – the only thing he’s allowed to take with him tonight. Turning away from the pair, he treks back to their dorm in mock-ease, deep down he is boiling rage contained. He didn’t see it coming. Jinwoo fell and he fell hard. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to be her, simply because she meant all the world to him. And if being her would allow him to be the one beside Jinwoo, then he wouldn’t want it any other way.

His heart ached; his fantasy of having Jinwoo fall in love with him was not only foolish but also insane. It didn’t help that the austere streetlights seemed to be mocking him for being weak and dissolute. His fancied Jinwoo is back in his head laughing, gasping for breath and holding on to him like he’s a lifeline. And God, how he wishes he was.

.

.

.

Months passed but his heart ached just the same. He’s been in love with Jinwoo for quite some time now and he’s pretty sure that there’s nothing in the world that would ever change that. A certain spot in his heart throbs, a bruise of longing. Their room is dark and the other boy is lying in bed, eyes glued to his phone. Seungyoon tries to play it cool but he’s a mess inside. There are so many words between them that had gone unspoken. Jinwoo smiles every now and then, not once looking his way. The reality of the situation is like acid running in his veins, it burns internally at the thought of Jinwoo loving someone that isn’t him.

The older boy rattled him all the same; just a mere shake of his head had his heart wanting to leap out of his ribcage and do jumping jacks. He tried hard to be so good for so long yet he easily got replaced and forgotten. Now there’s a twinkle in Jinwoo’s eyes and it hurts to know that he is no longer the one that puts it there.

Seungyoon decided to forget, he didn’t love Jinwoo any less but he’s done chasing. Strangely enough, it wasn’t working out as well as he’d hoped. Just when he thought he could finally forget him and be rid of his feelings, a mere mention of his name would have him losing all the progress he’s made. Jinwoo was that one tight knot in Seungyoon’s life that he can’t ever seem to untie, no matter how raw and bloody his fingers got.

He catches him one day, on his way out, wearing a crisp new shirt he hasn’t seen before, his hair nicely slicked back. Seungyoon notices the bouquet of red tulips sitting on his bed, there’s a card attached to it filled with Jinwoo’s miniscule handwriting. He’s usually not one to pry but his curiosity got the best of him.

Jinwoo wrote down just how much he loves and cherishes her, that he was thankful that she was there. It was like a well-packed punch in the gut for Seungyoon, not that it was all that surprising. He knew Jinwoo best and knew just how much Jinwoo loved. Only thing is, he wished it was him instead of her.

“Seungyoonnie, what do you think?” The elder asked from behind him, holding up another shirt, “Do you think this looks better than the one I’m wearing?” Jinwoo continues to prattle, ing his donned shirt and getting ready to try the other one. That’s when Seungyoon finally looses it and grabs him by the arm.

“Seungyoonnie, is something wrong?” Jinwoo asks, “You’re hurting me…”

Seungyoon locked eyes with him and for the first time, he saw a flicker of fear there.

“Did I do something you didn’t like?”

“Shut up!” Seungyoon exploded, shaking him, fingers tightening around his arm.

Jinwoo stood rigidly, eyes fixed on him. Seungyoon looked away purposely, but Jinwoo despite his usually sweet nature wasn’t the sort to back down. Using his other free hand, he gently caressed the side of Seungyoon’s face and turned it to face his. Meeting his eyes, all Seungyoon wanted to do is push him down and break every bit of him then hold him close and put him back together, like some sort of sick psycho on the loose. But he couldn’t do that, ever – he loved Jinwoo far too much.

“I’m sorry, Seungyoonie.” Jinwoo softly tells him, “Whatever it is I did wrong, I’m sorry.”

And just like that his anger dissipated. He let’s go of his arm and takes a careful step back. He didn’t dare meet Jinwoo’s eyes after, instead he ran out of the room in frenzy, terrified of what he might just do to the other boy next. He hears Jinwoo frantically running after him, hears him call his name, but Seungyoon has had enough of the madness; he just wants to run away and never come back.

.

.

.

The night was deep when Seungyoon finally had the courage to return. The dorm was dead quiet. He pushes the door to the room they shared open, hoping to see Jinwoo there – arms crossed, waiting, maybe even angry. But the room is just as dark as the rest of the dorm, Jinwoo isn’t home and the bouquet of red tulips sitting on his bed from earlier are now gone.

He kinda just stands there, not really sure of what to make of it, his emotions getting the best of him, tears flowing freely. He was tired, he was scared, and his heart felt like it was being stabbed over and over. Jinwoo isn’t there to hold him, isn’t there to tell him that it’s alright like he used to and Seungyoon wonders why – because he’s always done that and so much more for the one he loved. Will Jinwoo ever notice him? Will Jinwoo ever love him back?

The answer comes quickly, in the form of a phone call, the device glowing and vibrating in his hand. He refuses to acknowledge its existence, why are you only searching for me now? The vibration stops and Seungyoon lets his phone drop to the floor with a dull thud.

.

.

.

It’s a little past 2AM and Jinwoo is still not home. Seungyoon just got out of the shower and is now feeling ten times lighter. He walks to the kitchen while towel drying his hair. Draping the towel on his shoulder, he fills the kettle with water and sits it on the stove, and then he reaches for a cup ramen from the cupboard.

The water boils and Seungyoon fills the noodle cup, he takes it with him to the living room and turns the telly on, volume on low. He didn’t want to wake their recenly added team-member and also the youngest, Nam Taehyun. But before he can even start on his ramen, he hears rain battering the glass windows. He watches them for a while, sliding down the glass with ease and disappearing somewhere below that he can no longer make out.

“Where are you? What are you doing?”

He feels a slight prickling in his chest, deep down he’s afraid to know the answer to those questions. He wanted to believe in Jinwoo, he wanted to trust Jinwoo – he’d never stayed out before, ever. And if he was going to be late, he had always told him, always. His cup ramen is left forgotten on the coffee table as he runs back to their room and picks up his phone from the floor. The older boy had called him about an hour ago. He rings him back, mind a mess about what he should tell him first, but he doesn’t get the chance to, because Jinwoo doesn’t pick up. He rings him again, internally begging for him to answer his call. At this point, Seungyoon no longer cared if he would tell him that he was spending the night with that wench. He just needed to hear Jinwoo’s voice, needed to know that he’s alright.

More than ten unanswered calls later, the rain outside has still not let up, instead it has gotten much stronger. Seungyoon is done lying to himself and pretending that he didn’t care; he stuffs his phone in his pocket and hurriedly makes his way out, only pausing once to take an umbrella with him.

.

.

.

He heads to the bus stop first but no one is there. From where he stood, Jinwoo could have gone anywhere and everywhere, that’s if he even decided to come home. He tries calling him again, wet fingers tightly gripping his phone in worry. But just like before, his call went unanswered. He browsed his contact list, he knew that he had saved that wench’s number – the first time they met, when Jinwoo introduced them. Seungyoon tried to push the bitter memory away; it was too much for his weary mind and tattered heart to handle. Instead, he focused on scrolling through his contact list and finding her.

His heart was beating a mile a minute while he waited for his call to connect and when it finally did, he lost all his saved up courage to speak up. What now? He wondered, hearing her voice and the sound of utter merriment on the other end of the line.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

Seungyoon ended the call; he didn’t need to hear anymore. Jinwoo was alright, he was having fun, and yet there he was – soaked to the bone, out of breath, foolish as always. What is it about you that makes me still care? He heads back in silence, the unopened umbrella hanging on his arm swaying.

.