Chapter 17: Dreams

My whole body shakes. I sit with my shoulders scrunched, heart tightly cupped in my chest. My hands shield my face from the pity in their eyes, reluctant to wipe my nose as it begins to run. I can taste the saltiness of my tears on the tip of my tongue and the dry streaks be overlapped by the fresh ones on my cheeks. My voice is parched as I hiccup and cry. I wheeze for air between pained squeals of denial.

My chest hurts, my head hurts—everything hurts. My foggy memories sharpen into sweet shards of guilt and bitterness, piercing me into numbness. I wail expressions of pain and defiance between apologies until my words slur into nothingness. 

Everything I say and do is meaningless. My life is meaningless. I have lost everything. I have nothing. I am nothing. My body is a mere casket for the miserable corpse of my lost hopes and dreams. If it does mean something, it's a nuisance that should be disposed of. What do I have to live for?

I wrench out a cry and sink further into myself. I slump over my knees, uncomfortable enough for me to feel something. 

My members are silent—not that we will be members for much longer. I feel a hesitant hand on my back, slowly rubbing circles on my shoulder.

"We're sorry Ahri," I hear them all murmur between my gasping cries. I squeal and shake my head, burrowing deeper into despair. I remember the days:

I just enjoyed dancing and singing, I simply enjoyed the reactions and expressions on people's faces as I performed for them. Inevitably it was no longer enough—I craved a stage. 

I auditioned not knowing much about the industry, oblivious to it all. I failed the first time, the second, third, fourth, and so on. I began to ignore school and friends, prioritising practice—I was determined. That's how badly I wanted it. I finally passed an audition but failed the second round. ‘You have no emotion,’ they told me. I practiced expressions, studied drama and acting. Passed for a different company, signed a contract, became a trainee, and practiced some more. 

My adolescence was filled to the brim with sweat, tears and desperation. Every day was a competition with myself, the other trainees, and my family and friends. My relationships with people became raw scabs I picked at in the silence of the night. I became rebellious and stubborn within my determination. It was the only way I wouldn't break—I refused to break.

My parents and I were only supposed to stay in South Korea temporarily for the sake of dad's business deal. Once that was completed we were supposed to return to Australia. They did. I didn't. I remember having to move into the dorms and crying myself to sleep alone. I was even lonelier than before. My body, soul, mind and lifestyle were solely devoted to practice. Was that a life worth living for? I suddenly felt so lost and unsure about my situation and future. I doubted myself, my choices and my attitude.

And I feel it all over again.

I lie on my side facing the wall. The bedside lamp is still on and I don't care to turn it off. The others are still in the living room discussing in hushed voices. In a few days we have a meeting with the CEO to discuss our contracts. Hyejin and Jisu said they did not wish to renew it after having rediscovered buried dreams—interior design and teaching, respectively—and Dahyun wishes to stay but for acting and not music.

‘But what about me? What will I do?’

I turn on my other side to look over the empty beds. The room is dim but the little light that the lamp glows caresses the creases of the clean sheets. They never planned to stay long. Beside a few bags, they didn't bring any luggage—just boxes to take their stuff.

Before the others finish, I fall asleep like in my trainee days; on a damp pillow.

I wake up with puffy eyes and a bloated face to the light calls and patting of Dahyun. My eyes are swollen and fail to elegantly open. I let out a groan as I reluctantly heave myself out of bed.

"Morning," I mumble, I already know it's not going to be a good one.

"It's already half past one." Dahyun glances at my face a tiny bit too long to go unnoticed. She seems to hesitate to ask if I'm okay then decides against it, and instead ushers me out of the room. 

"Good morning," the other two chant from the table. They seem to be chatting over tea and fruit

I smile weakly and nod. Hyejin extends a hand, offering me a peeled mandarin. 

I press my lips into a stiff smile as I accept the fruit. The juice tastes like water and I attempt to swallow it with the least amount of contact with my tongue. Even my taste buds must be numb. She offers to make more tea but I decline.

"How was your sleep?" Jisu asks after putting down her mug.

I finish the rest of the mandarin as I wander to the couch. I shrug. "Okay I guess," I belatedly reply. They don't seem at all convinced, if I were them I wouldn't be either, but they don't question further.

I stare at the blank screen of the television. I don't feel like turning it on. The emptiness of the screen lures me into a phase of eeriness. I can hear light humming in my ears as my senses dull and anxiety takes over.

"Any plans for the day?" Hyejin asks after a moment. 

It takes me a while to tune out the humming. I shake my head. "Are you guys going anywhere?" I ask the three of them. 

They all reply like I do. There's a sip of silence. 

"No date with Hoseok today?" Jisu hesitantly teases. 

I press my lips into a crooked smile and shake my head. "No, not today," I murmur under my breath. 

I feel like he's slipping away again. It's like there's something missing in our relationship and it's not just his memory. I can’t forget the way he looked last time as if he had to try so hard just to be with me—just to put up with me. Maybe he was gone before I looked back because he would rather be inside than with me. Maybe it's just my current position making me think like this but I can't help but be convinced by my negativity. 

Hyejin, Jisu and Dahyun exchange concerned looks, a tinge of guilt buzzing behind their expressions. 

"Is everything alright with you two?" Dahyun asks. It seems this conversation has been running solely on questions. Dragging on not by comments but by more questions, as if I don’t have enough already.

I slouch back into the couch and roll my head so that my chin rests oddly on the armrest. I hum unsurely in response. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jisu continues.

I gaze at them with glassy eyes for a moment. They stare back with worry and comfort, caring for me still like they always have. My chest squeezes. I purse my lips. I feel so stupid for always wanting to cry but I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do and there's no other way I know how to react to all this.

The three of them get up from their seats and approach me. I feel a pat on my back and I immediately turn around to be embraced into Jisu's arms. Hyejin and Dahyun sit around me too, assuring me it'll all be fine. I make sure not to indulge too deeply in my emotions. I pull back from Jisu's embrace and take a deep, ragged breath.

"It's just—" I say in a small shaky voice, “if I lose him, we'll be breaking up for no reason..."

I look up to meet their eyes. They look slightly taken aback. Their pupils dither until smiles are pushed on their faces. Hyejin squeezes my hand.

“We told you, none of this is your fault.”

A/N: Oh and I have instagram (arv.e) if you want to follow me! Just tell me who you are and I'll follow back! I'll probably just be posting (fan)art.