One month later

“I’m so frustrated right now, I literally could die.” Taemin was ranting to Yuna about his partner. His third partner, in the past 7 months. When he first started training under Yuna in the spring, he decided to give the new girl a chance, he would be nice to them, sort of encouraging and supportive. But, he also knew, secretly, in the back of his mind, he would be comparing them with Soojung. Not just skillswise but their habits, their mannerisms or vibes. Superficial, right? The first girl left because she’d overtrained and basically ruined her career over an overuse injury. She had to go into surgery then rehabilitation and she didn’t want for Taemin to have to wait for her to recover. The second girl was a user of performance-enhancing drugs and got thrown out by Yuna when she found out the truth. The current one was a little broken, she’d injured herself super badly when she was skating singles and had recovered. Yuna liked her performance ability but her skills were undeveloped because of her time off the ice. She also had jump trauma, because that was how she had gotten injured in the first place. On so many occasions, Taemin had to talk her through the jumps and tell her she could do it; so would Yuna. But, their encouragement never amounted to anything. It had been a month since she came on board but they really never made any progress because she didn’t have the confidence to jump. 

“Taemin…” Yuna’s tone was a warning, she disapproved of his attitude towards his partner. His partner could feel his frustration even if he just stared at her because Taemin wasn’t the most subtle or discreet with his emotions. Lame. Taemin just sighed, it was already fall, almost winter, and they hadn’t gotten the basics down. They hadn’t started working on their routine or the lifts either. “I’d already be working on my routine with Soojung. Heck, we could already be done with the routine.” Unfortunately for him, Yuna heard this mutter under his breath. “Yes, Taemin, but Soojung is not here. And, I don’t think she would have wanted you to have such little patience toward her.” Taemin shook his head, “But, I wouldn’t need patience with Soojung, she’s amazing, she trusts me AND she doesn’t pop her jumps.” 

Yuna was not having any of his crap so she left for her office and left Taemin there with his own thoughts. His thoughts about Soojung. How she’d tie her hair in a high ponytail even if it’d slap both his and her faces and how he constantly appealed to her to tie her hair in a low braid. He thought about how he’d never tell her to cut it because when she let it loose, she was the most beautiful human that ever existed. He also thought about her whining about her fatigue from training but also how she was always excited to try new things during training. He would never tell her to keep her thoughts to herself, shut up about the whining because he liked that he was her safe space to unload her thoughts. Taemin missed that they would hold hands at any time possible on the rink to encourage each other to push on in training, or calm each other down at competitions. He missed looking into her eyes and trying to read her mind, he really really missed her. 

Later that day, he went to the rink during Seulgi’s ice training, in the hopes of supporting his friend’s attempt to get her triple-double-double combination. He watched her from the waiting area outside the rink, the area next to the cafeteria. That combination was hard enough for Seulgi, she didn’t need more distractions. Unfortunately, Taemin’s plans to let Seulgi get into her zone were foiled by Jongin, who grew a liking to hang around the rink when she had ice time. She was putting on her jumping harness and getting ready to hit the hardest combination she would try yet. Seulgi was improving day by day and her choreographer had taught her most of the choreography, all she had to do was brush up on her technique. And it seemed to be working for a while, until she decided to push herself for a triple-triple-double. A few failed attempts later, she removed the harness and left the rink all together. Taemin observed as she exited the rink, bolting towards the locker room. He was about to see what that was all about, but Jongin beat him to it as he charged out of the rink into the locker room. 

Jongin walked into the sight of Seulgi sitting against her locker, with her knees to her chest and her head buried in her arms. “Seul, what’s going on?” The reply he got was a faint sob and some sniffling. “Hey, what’s going on? You were great out there…” 

“Get out, Jongin. No one wants you here,” Seulgi’s voice came out hoarse from the breathlessness and crying. “Hey Seul, don’t do this, just talk to me,” Jongin took a few steps to get closer to the weak, soft voice. He hadn’t seen her beat herself like this before, rendering a flurry of anxiety and concern on his part. “Go away, Jongin, you don’t have the right to do this now.” Seulgi shoo-ed him away again. His dense brain couldn’t take a hint, “Seul… Sometimes talking will help it get better, like we used to d-” 

“Get. Out. Kim. Jongin.” 

“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to leave me and then come back and act normal around me. You don’t get to think that everything is fine, just because I let you train under Yuna. You don’t get to comfort me when things are going well because you are the very reason why things aren’t working out. So, go away, Jongin. And, stop hanging around the rink when I have ice time, I don’t wanna see your face.” Seulgi’s face was red with anger, her face stained with tears and her hair in a mess. Jongin was taken aback by her outburst, but he wasted no time in leaving the locker room with heavy steps. 

Upon Jongin’s departure, Taemin poked his head into the locker room, finding Seulgi just as Jongin did. “You didn’t expect him to be this annoying when you suggested he joined the programme right?” He just had to a little to alleviate the lingering tension. Seulgi just groaned in response, she definitely overlooked her capacity to share the rink with her ex-partner who left her for “greater things”. She had let a moment of vulnerability to cloud her judgement and was now stuck with the consequences of her bad decisions. 

At first, the sight of Jongin brought a smile to her face, seeing him everyday felt like things were back to normal, like when they used to skate together. However, as the days passed, his presence bothered her like a parasite. He seemed to look at her and talk to her like she was the same person 21 months ago. He had no idea how much she had changed as a person and how much her likes and dislikes had changed. She was no longer a cute little fourteen year old who liked Jongin to be around her when she skated; she was sixteen, she was working to pay her dues, she was skating singles and wanted to be alone on the ice because it was the only way to succeed — all because of him. She withdrew from her interactions with him quickly and began giving him the cold shoulder, throwing in occasional snide remarks about how he would never be as successful as her in singles. Jongin never gave up on trying to talk to her or hanging around her, sometimes she wondered if he’d been sliced in his brain or his leg. 

At the other end of the world, it seemed like Soojung was having the same frustrations as Taemin and Seulgi. The question she’d asked herself the most in the past half a year was “Why is it that I could turn almost four revolutions when I was doing pairs but I can’t get beyond two on my own?” Everytime she stepped on the ice, it was as if Taemin was whispering in her ear, “We’ve got this, Soojung,” it was as if she could feel his breath tickling her. In her loneliness on the ice, she had become hyper aware of the absence of her partner, particularly that certain partner. His hand was not intertwined with hers, his arms were not wrapped around her waist, his face was not pressed against her cheek. There was not a day she spent alone on the ice wishing that she was back in Korea skating with Taemin. However, there was no way her parents would let her go back. Her siblings and their significant others had tried their very hardest to convince the Jung father to let Soojung return, but he was convinced that America was better for her. Even Jongin had asked her if she was planning to return to Korea in the near future in their recent text exchange. There was not a day she spent alone on the ice wishing that she was back in Korea skating with Taemin. But, there was not a day she spent worrying that he would never take her back as his partner. Soojung was clouded with heavy thoughts day in and day out. On top of all these worries, she was worrying that she wasn’t delivering enough for her coach and that she’d get punished for having her head in the clouds. She had to get her head in the game for competition season, but she feared she wouldn’t be able to do it without Taemin. 

The time rolled around for competition season in the new year. Jongin had been training mostly off-ice to build back strength, stamina and technique, so Yuna advised that he gave this season a miss. Seulgi and Taemin (and his horrible partner) were competing for the first time under Yuna’s wings. 

The week before Nationals came along and Seulgi had been the ring on her right index finger a lot more than she usually did. The ring. It was a gift from Jongin’s parents to both of them when they’d won their first year competing as juniors. An appeasement/congratulatory gift, depending on how you’d like to view it, since his parents didn’t physically witness their win. They never did. Seulgi had taken off the ring, for the first time, in spite when Jongin first left her. She didn’t want an emotional crutch or physical reminder of why she had to compete in singles. The first season she competed in singles, it kind of felt like there was nothing to lose. But, that never discounted the anxiety of competing alone for the first time. She slipped on the ring to alleviate that anxiety and remind herself of how Jongin used to kiss the back of her palm before they stepped onto the ice. This year, she was riding on her success last season; she had to prove herself and live up to the expectations of fans and potential sponsors. The difficulty of her programme had increased significantly, as well. So much was riding on just her shoulders and she needed the familiar feel of the ring to calm her pounding heart down. Above all, Seulgi knew the real reason behind her anxiety was that she wanted to prove once again to Jongin that she was successful without him, more successful than he ever would be without her. 

Taemin was sitting in the spectator seats with Jongin as they watched the Women's Singles free skate. Since Seulgi placed third in the short programme, she was third last in the lineup. There were quite a few skaters in the lineup and time seemed to crawl by. “Hey bro, I’m going to get something from the vending machine, need anything?” Jongin offered, but Taemin shook his head. He was feeling anxious for Seulgi, he knew she knew that Jongin was here to watch and her usual calmness at competitions was replaced with heightened anxiety and stress. Jongin headed past the vending machine, if Taemin didn’t follow him, he wouldn’t know that he actually used the vending machine as an excuse to get out of there to Seulgi. It had been their tradition for him to massage her shoulders before they went on the ice. And without fail, at every competition, except last year, he’d do that to remind her he was with her and she could trust him. 

He knew his way through Mokdong rink and managed to find her rehearsing her jump combinations, getting in her zone, letting the music of the other routines playing in the speaker drown out. She was so focused and determined, Jongin loved this look of hers, she was most attractive when she kept her eyes on the goal. Yuna had left her to get her more water, and Jongin took this chance to catch her before Yuna caught him. 

She yelped in surprise as she felt the familiar pair of hands knead into the knots in her shoulders. “What the hell are you doing here, Kim Jongin?” He grinned at her, continuing to massage her shoulders, “I figured you could use your good luck charm.” She quickly slipped the ring off her index finger and clenched her fist, in attempts to hide it before he realised she had worn it. She dismissed him, pulling his hands off her shoulders, “Go away, don’t you dare get into my zone.”

“You should also get out before Coach finds out you’re here.”

“Okay, can you just chill? I’ll go now… Good luck out there!”

“I don’t need your luck.” As soon as he disappeared, she slipped the ring back on and it again, taking deep breaths to slow down her heart rate. 

She must have done some magic out there on the ice because she placed third overall, a few points shy of the silver medal. Taemin and Jongin leaped out of their seats in joy during her prize presentation, clapping and cheering loudly for their teammate. Just as Taemin was about to sit back down, his gaze casually flitted to her left and he could have sworn he saw Soojung somewhere in the crowd, smiling and cheering for Seulgi too. No, there’s no way that she'd be here.

Back in the locker room, Seulgi ripped the ring she used to wear on her thumb off her index finger and stuffed it in her bag, before heading out to meet her coach and teammates. Jongin didn't need to know she still kept it, he didn’t need to know she still wore it. He shouldn’t have to know that it still meant something to her. 

Meanwhile, things weren’t going well for Taemin at all. This first season without Soojung was a trainwreck; he was a bundle of nerves, when he had never felt this anxious at any competition. He was backstage with his partner, as she rehearsed the routine, while he sat in the corner. “Coach, I’m going to get some air, I’ll be back in five.” Yuna gave him a pointed stare, as if to tell him to sit his back down. But he ignored her, sticking his earphones into his ears, leaving to take a stroll around the rink. Soon, it was time for them to step on the ice, they headed to the ice and slid their blade guards off before stepping onto the ice. He scanned the crowd as they took the time to warm up for the short programme, spotting a familiar face in the crowd of supporters. He could have sworn it was Soojung, but it couldn’t be her, she was supposed to be all the way across the world skating with some guy that wasn’t him. Taemin shook the thought from his mind, I need to focus right now, I can’t be thinking about her. 

It was a decent skate, not the best for sure but not too shabby. At least, they placed within top ten, scores putting them in seventh place. He’d look at the place that Seulgi and Jongin were seated at when they’d completed the routine, but the girl he thought was Soojung was gone. 

Their free skate was the next day, in the morning session. As he rolled up to Mokdong rink with an ice americano in hand, he could almost hear Soojung scolding him for drinking a cold drink before the competition. He would argue that it was just a competition, but she would insist it was bad for his stomach. Some logic, he would dismiss her and she would flick his forehead. Even though he had thought he had seen her twice in the past two days, he was very sure it wasn’t her. The Soojung he knew wouldn’t wear grey, she hated that colour, saying it was ambiguous. He used to laugh at her lousy reasoning but it wasn’t funny now. Taemin’s only goal for the day was to get through his routine and get the heck out of Mokdong, to go home and sleep it all off. On his way into the registration table, he chatted with some folks in their old training programme, and smiled weakly at their mention of Soojung. He could have sworn that he saw Soojung, again, walk past them to the spectator seats. He shut his eyes tightly, it wasn’t her. Get a grip, Taemin, she’s really not here. 

He managed to get through the entire morning with barely any thoughts about Soojung, as he rehearsed vigorously to keep himself occupied, a stark difference from his attitude the previous day. They went out for their free skate and maintained their placing at seventh. A thought crossed his mind, for the first time in a few hours, If only Soojung were really here, skating with me...

And just like that, the season was over. Neither Seulgi nor Taemin had the chance to go to the World Championships, it would have to wait another year. Taemin was genuinely happy for Seulgi’s achievement but he couldn’t seem to celebrate wholeheartedly with her. I just wished Soojung would come back.

Flashback 

Earlier in mid December, Soojung was competing at a small open competition in a small state in America. Her first season skating singles. “Prove to me that you’re worth keeping on this team, else I’ll cut you off,” were the last words Caroline said to her before she stepped onto the ice. A shiver ran up and down her spin and as the blades of her skates carved curves into the ice, she became hyper aware that Taemin wasn’t on the ice with her. Her body trembled slightly as she posed, waiting for the music to start playing. At first, things seemed to be going smoothly, and by things, she really meant the first two eights of counts that led into her first jump sequence. Her mind started spiralling and her hips felt cold, void of the warmth of Taemin’s hands positioned firmly, ready to throw her up into the air. He’s not throwing me up translated to how do I even rotate if I’m not high enough? The next moment she knew she had popped out of her jump. The entire routine was a mess, she wasn’t performing, her brows were knitted together in a frown and there were flaws in most of her technical elements. She had screwed up her short program enough to know she wasn’t going to qualify for the free skate. Sliding the blade guards onto her skates, she heard Caroline sneer at her, “You couldn’t even qualify at a small competition, you’re worthless to me.” 

“Not like I wanted to stay here for longer anyway…” She whispered back. 

She took a cab back to their accomodation, threw her skating bag on the floor, flopped onto the bed and started crying. Never in her life did such a thought cross her mind but in that moment, Soojung was so sure only this one thing: I’m never skating again. She had tried everything, pairs, singles. Neither worked for her then, and she just felt like it was never going to work. The next thought that came to mind, she was even surer of it. I need to go back to Korea. She couldn’t stay in America any longer than she needed to, the whole country was a reminder of her failure in her skating career. With only two thoughts filling her brain, she fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from the anxiety and disappointment felt at the competition and the tears that rolled down her cheeks onto the white sheets of the hotel bed. 

Her older brother, Jihoon, had bought her a plane ticket back to Korea when she called him that night saying that she wanted to go back home. This might have been against their parents’ wishes but Soojung’s siblings were her greatest advocates — no one supported her heart’s decisions more than them. Two days later, she was on a plane bound for home and the weight on her shoulders felt lighter than two days before. The plane touched down safely and Soojung rolled her luggage out of the arrivals in no time. She was pushing a trolley piled high with luggages and boxes, and she struggled to navigate the arrivals while balancing the luggage so it would not topple. “Soojung, you look tiny under that heap of luggage.” A familiar voice shook her loose, and she broke into a wide smile. “Jihoon oppa! I missed you so much!” Soojung went to hug his broad frame, which seemed broader than she last remembered him to be a year ago. Jihoon squeezed Soojung tightly and ruffled her hair, an evident eye-smile on his face. “How has my little sister been?” He pinched her cheeks, noticing they might have shrunk to a less-than-squishable size. “I'm pretty good! But I'll tell you everything when we get home,” Soojung’s smile weakened at the question, reminding her why she was back there in the first place. Nonetheless, she was plenty relieved to be back in the motherland, and with the people she loved. 

The hour-long car ride back to the Jung family apartment was silent as Soojung stared out of the window, observing the cityscape that had evolved in her time away, secretly avoiding all conversation. She was afraid that if she spoke, she’d have to explain herself, and she wasn’t ready yet. 

One whole week, neither Jihoon nor his wife spoke about her return to Korea nor about how she was home the whole day, nor about the plans she had for the future. The morning that marked day 8 of her return to Korea, Soojung was scrolling through her camera roll, as she lay on her brother’s couch. The house was empty, as it usually was in the day when her brother and sister-in-law went out for work. The days without figure skating seemed to crawl by slowly, it was an aggravating reminder to Soojung that her skating career was a failure. The sport had become a huge part of her, she felt so empty without any training sessions. Great, I’m a failure in figure skating, and a failure without it. 

She found herself taking the train to Mokdong rink, the rink that she trained at with Taemin, Jongin and Seulgi. She might not have wanted to skate anymore, but perhaps the feeling of being at the rink would help time to pass quicker. However, she didn’t manage to get herself out of the house until her brother told her that his friends were coming over that night for a gathering. Not wanting to explain her presence in Korea, she figured it was best if she spent the evening anywhere else but Jihoon’s house. It was about 7.30 in the evening when she arrived at Mokdong station, it was a simultaneously familiar and foreign feeling of opening the doors that led to the rink. She settled in the top row of spectator seats, thinking it would be the most inconspicuous spot to chill there for the whole day. Nothing had changed at all, it was the rink she remembered, except it was not the usual sight that she was used to. The rink was crowded with young girls and boys and their coaches, who could only come to Mokdong to train after their school and academies had ended. Soojung flashed back to when she and Taemin used love to come down to the rink earlier as the kids practiced to boost their ego, under the facade of being an inspiration to budding skaters. They would secretly laugh at the younger children who’d trip over their toe-pick ever so often and at the parents of those young children who’d fawn over them and baby the heck out of their child. It was also just an excuse to spend more time together, because she had a crush on Taemin. 

It was as if she’d been in a bubble; she was spacing out, recollecting her memories. A tear rolled down her eye, but she didn’t notice till she tasted the salty tear; her bubble burst. The rink was now empty and quiet, the sounds of coaches speaking and music playing were gone. The single tear broke the dam holding back her emotions, she was now sobbing, mourning the loss of her career, her friendship with Taemin, her love for the ice. The tears she held back in the past year overwhelmed her as she crouched over, resting her forehead on the seat in front of her, palms covering her eyes, as if to catch the tears that fell.

A ponytail peeked around the entrance of the rink as her sobs echoed against the walls of the empty rink. The sound of the rink door opening startled Soojung from crying, and she looked up to a familiar silhouette walking towards her. Seulgi. 

note: i just edited this chapter with some plot developments that are crucial to how the story is moving forward. it would be good to re-read, let me know how you feel about the added developments (-:

4/4 are back in Korea and things are going to escalate man!

do comment, subscribe and upvote. you guys keep me going <3