Kyuhyun was a friend, no, an acquaintance from university. They had lived in the same dorms, across from each other, and they had had a few classes together, they were well acquainted, but after university, they lost touch of each other, as they were only acquainted. But those days were long gone, so to see him on the metro, tapping away on his phone while sporting large earphones, looking not a day older, was a quite shock. And when he lifted his eyes to meet Yesung's, full of recognition and questions, Yesung knew he was screwed. Not because he didn't want to see Kyuhyun, he simply felt indifference for him, no, it was because this was his lowest moment. 

And he knew Kyuhyun knew, because Kyuhyun's eyes gleamed with understanding, not judging but noticing the situation Yesung had put himself in. It was hard not to notice him, dressed to the nines in three piece suit, not a hair out of place, but lacking a certain symbolic band on his finger. He seemed like he was on his tenth espresso of the day. Which he was.

Kyuhyun spoke first, "hey Yesung, how have you been, summarize the past five years in thirty seconds," he said. 

"Graduated, got a job, got a girlfriend, got engaged, got cold feet," he sighed sadly. 

"Well I've always said it, marriage is just a way for an oppressive system to control you. So what's your next move?"

Yesung shrugged. "Dunno, probably go live in a foreign country under a pseudonym. My parents will be pissed and my fiancée has probably already changed the locks."

Kyuhyun smiled, not a mocking or condescending smile, a totally Kyuhyun smile, because Kyuhyun's smile was an entity of its own, and Kyuhyun was a strange person that couldn't be explained easily, and Kyuhyun's mind, oh did psychologists ever dream to pick at it, because Kyuhyun's smile was the just answer to Yesung's problems right now, he found himself smiling back at him. 

"You could stay at my place."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Yesung replied quickly, "I mean, I don't want to impose."

Kyuhyun shrugged, "You've got twenty minutes to decide."

Kyuhyun had been a sort of urban legend around campus. He was a boy who had flirted with death and emerged victorious, and based his behaviour on that ideology. Because death didn't abide by the rules of society, he didn't either. As a result, he did what he wanted, always, and lived as a free spirit. He smelled of cheap cologne, post coital cigarettes, and carelessness, any mother's nightmare. His apartment had a soft yellow glow and dark hickory furniture, it was easy to get lost in this atmosphere of...debauchery. 

Yesung's unlikely friendship began that night, as they laid between the sheets covered in a thin layer of sweat, indulging in life's sweet, sweet pleasure without a worry in the world.


It was truly like a drug, Kyuhyun and his lifestyle had made him an addict. He felt it most when his parents were nagging away about the money they wasted, and the mistakes he made by running away, by talking about his job and the absolute necessity of a wife. His fiancée, well she had given him a chance. He was glad, he truly and dearly loved her, but commitment just scared him, and she was so eager to reschedule the wedding. He didn't understand it, he thought he was happy with the average life model of someone like him, "graduate, get a job, get a wife, get kids, get old" but every nerve in him screamed otherwise. He was caught in a battle between his two ears, deciding what next move would bring him pleasure and happiness, or stability. 

He told his fiancée he had a late job related thing to do, and he found himself knocking at Kyuhyun's door. Later that night as Kyuhyun traced absent circles on Yesung's back, smoking his one occasional cigarette, he said, "so your girlfriend and parents think you're at work, meanwhile you're banging a dude you barely know from university."

"No, I..." but he stopped himself, and realized what he was doing, which was exactly what Kyuhyun had said. "Yes," he whispered.

Kyuhyun hummed, putting out the cigarette in the tiny ashtray, and he pressed a soft kiss between Yesung's shoulder blades. "That's fine by me," he whispered, pressing another one down his spine, "as long as you're honest with yourself."

Yesung turn around abruptly, startled by that statement. He faced Kyuhyun full of questions. 

"As long as you realize what you're doing," he said softly before pressing a kiss to Yesung's lips. The taste of tar and nicotine fresh on his lips wasn't unpleasant, it was liberating. Because Kyuhyun wasn't slave to anyone he wasn't particularly addicted to smoking, which Yesung admired. People often threw the term "in control" when referring to someone who had his life mapped out to the very last detail, but to Yesung, Kyuhyun was the model for control. He wasn't organized at all, and had told Yesung he never knew what he'd do next, whatever he'd feel like at the time, and that, that was control. Only he decided what he did, no overbearing parents, no overeager boss, no overenthusiastic girlfriend. It must've been hell to make dinner plans though.  

"What is your brain racking over now?" Kyuhyun asked, stopping their slow kissing for a minute, feeling the need to peek in his strange partner's psyche.

"Uh, you," he replied. 

Kyuhyun raised an eyebrow and waited for the explanation. 

"Your control over your own destiny. It's remarkable," he declared and leaned up to seized Kyuhyun's bottom lip between his.

"It's quite simple, I do what I please," he stated, then propped himself on his forearms observing Yesung keenly. "What do you feel like right now?"

Yesung pursed his lips waiting for something to pop in his head. He felt like...basking in the atmosphere of Kyuhyun's apartment, but he also felt like moving this energy, to allow him to seek refuge somewhere else. He had always like that trail by the river, it calmed him down and gave him a sense of serenity when things got too heated at work. Maybe...no, that was a stupid idea, it was late and cold, and surely Kyuhyun wouldn't want to tag along....

"You found something, I saw it in your eyes."

"It's stupid," Yesung muttered, staring at a spot on the wall.

"It's not stupid if you want to do it," he said very seriously, then added with a chuckle, "I draw the line at murder though."

Yesung mumbled a few protests, "it's late, it's cold, we'd have to get dressed..."

"I don't care. What is it?"

"Taking a walk by the river then grabbing hot chocolate at a tiny hipster café when we get too cold."

Kyuhyun smiled, it was /that/ smile but with a hint of...amusement? Happiness? He slipped out of bed and began searching for his underwear, which he found on the couch in the next room, pants, that had slipped under the bed, and a warm jumper he took out from his closet. He then turned to Yesung, raising an eyebrow and telling him to hurry his up. 

That feeling, the one of executing the hearts most spontaneous desires, was magic. They were walking by the riverside illuminated by city lights, in silence, but the comfortable kind. The kind that is enough, and a whole conversation by itself, one of intimacy and lowered guards. This was exactly what Yesung was looking for, and put his mind at ease. At that moment, there was nothing but the present, and no such thing as worries and regrets, only now, the cold air nipping at his skin, his soft scarf, the calming wave of the river, and the soft profile Kyuhyun's face light by a distant streetlight. If he could stay in this moment forever, he would do it in a heartbeat without any second thoughts. 

They reached a point where the cold grew uncomfortable, not strictly unbearable, but making the hands take a vivid shade of red. Kyuhyun tugged at his sleeve and they headed for a deserted coffee shop. 

With Kyuhyun talking often was superfluous, he was not one for words, he preferred to express himself through his actions, which added to them, Yesung supposed. Things never went into complicated semantics with him, he meant what he said and did, things were raw and crude, but above all, they were real. They weren't empty promises of distant engagement and marriage, they were now and they were felt. That was Kyuhyun, and it was a damn good way to live. It was a way to never live with regrets. 

Kyuhyun glanced up from his cup and gave him a warm smile, sliding his hand across the table to engulf his. He didn't say anything, but his presence was enough for Yesung. It was enough for him to feel fulfilled and feel in control.

But it was fleeting. 

"You've been absent lately," she told him one night as he was about to turn off the lights. 

"What...what do you mean?"

She shrugged, "you've been absent. I know your job is demanding but you didn't use to be that much at work. Are you avoiding me?"

"What? No!"

She sighed deeply and traced small circles on his stomach. "I don't understand, Yesung," she said sadly, "I thought you wanted this, I thought this was what we had decided together."

Yesung felt terrible. He wasn't... he didn't... What he did was for himself, but he never intended her to feel bad. He supposed those were opposing notions; he eloped with a stranger every now and then, yet he didn't wish her to feel inadequate. 

He felt things for her, it wasn't by random chance they were almost married, Yesung loved her, truly, with all his heart, but what he felt with Kyuhyun...it was a thrill, a rush of adrenalin, raw and powerful things that he felt but hadn't turned into something refined such as love. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before he fell for Kyuhyun, perhaps he would never. 

He was sleeping with another man while she worried about him. Wow, was he ever an . 

He didn't want to put her in harm's way, he just needed an outlet. With everything so stressful and pressuring, being with Kyuhyun, in every sense of the word, was fulfilling and calming. It would out his mind at rest for a brief moment. Yet, every time he came home after meeting Kyuhyun, and meeting his almost wife, he felt guilt in the form of chains. Guilt he couldn't follow through with their marriage, guilt he kept her in the dark about what he was feeling, guilt for his lies, and it was this guilt that forced him to sought out Kyuhyun for peace of mind. With Kyuhyun he could talk free of fear of judgement...well not quite, he judged but he was open about it, and being told that his behavior was dickish or understandable or simply insane helped Yesung. 

Yesung was greatly confused, and found himself knocking on Kyuhyun's door for the umpteenth time.

Kyuhyun pulled him inside and pecked his lips. "This is starting to be a regular thing," he said, "are you here to take off your clothes or talk, or both?"

Several layers of clothing went flying, he found himself on his back wearing nothing but jeans, while Kyuhyun kissed him languidly, as if they had all the time in the world. The white noise in Yesung's head caused by worries gradually went silent and all his thoughts were focused on the man kissing him, running him hands tantalizingly ghosting against his skin. He was like a sponge for bad thoughts, the thoughts seeped out of Yesung and disappeared, he couldn't even work up the nagging thoughts of his relationship with his girlfriend, which had been pressing on his mind for days. 

Kyuhyun applied a bit of pressure on Yesung's nether regions and nibbled at his ear, asking, "what has gotten you so worked up today?"

Yesung groaned, he was aching, in a good way, but his body evidently reacted to the pressure and left him with very little coherence. "I'm not sure I'll be able to answer like this," he said breathlessly.

Kyuhyun cocked an eyebrow, "what, are you distracted?"

"Not at all," he replied airily, "all the blood is definitely flowing to my brain."

"Fine," he flopped down on the bed and stared at Yesung intently. "You wanted to talk? Talk."

The agitation that plagued him suddenly buzzed beneath his skin as it was before. It was suffocating. He took a deep breath but couldn't shake the feeling. Feeling his distress, Kyuhyun began running his fingers through his hair in a calming manner. Yesung closed his eyes and let the soothing sensation disperse his worries, or at least for a moment.

"I'm an ," he whispered.

It didn't seem to shake the other man, he gave him a skeptical look but didn't stop his ministrations, which Yesung was grateful for. He then guessed his silence meant for him to continue.

"My girlfriend...she and you...what I'm doing to her with you, it's...it's unbecoming to do to the woman I was going to make my wife. And you..."

Kyuhyun froze for a second at the mention of his person. "What about me," he asked, "you seem so concerned, so tell me, what of me?"

"I feel bad to do things with you."

"So you want to end this? Well, so long and thanks for the fish, don't forget to lock the door on the way out," he replied sternly.

"No!" Yesung blurted, "that's not it, that's not what I meant." He sat up and clutched Kyuhyun's hand, almost desperately, too desperately. Kyuhyun was his control over his destiny, losing him now would mean he would be in free fall, ready to hit the bottom and never get up. "I mean," he said hesitantly, "doesn't it bother you, what I'm doing? Sneaking in the shadows to meet you, hiding you like a guilty pleasure..."

Kyuhyun smiled at him, sending all his doubts away in a heartbeat. "If it bothered me, do you really think I'd be doing this? I'm not one to do things that displease me, I like you Yesung, I don't mind being your dirty little secret." He waited a moment, Yesung was really agitated and appeared to be at a breaking point. This wasn't his goal, he didn't want Yesung to shatter, and realised he needed to use caution with his words with the things that needed to be said. "As for your girlfriend, in time, this is an issue you will have to face. I can't help you, it is your choice."

Yesung stayed quiet, he didn't like Kyuhyun's answer. He wanted something, a definite answer to make himself feel better, and to point him in the right direction. He wanted Kyuhyun to give him control.

"You can help me," he said slowly, "I need...control. Can you teach me?"

"Control? What does that even mean?"

"Your way of living. You seem always seem content."

"So you want me to teach you my life philosophy?" He asked, a bit thrown off by the request. It wasn't exactly what people did when they got half in his apartment. But then again, over the course of a few weeks, he noticed Yesung wasn't exactly on the same line as most people.

There was an awkward silence.

"So...?"

"So...I don't know! I live as I please, there's nothing more to it. I'm not sure what I can teach you?"

"You're doing something right that I'm not doing, since I'm the one cheating on my girlfriend with you with a chronic case of unhappiness."

Kyuhyun nodded, "fine, but not today. Let's finish what we started."

They met two days later by the river, Kyuhyun having expressed the desire to go out a bit. They were both dressed warmly, as spring hadn't quite settled in yet. Yesung's long scarf kept getting caught in the wind and smacking him in the face, which humoured Kyuhyun greatly.

"Rule number one," he stated offhandedly, "never feel shame for anything. There is no such thing as guilty pleasures."

"Okay?"

"Same goes if you hate something, don't stand something because you have to."

Yesung nodded. "So I shouldn't feel any shame for wanting to hold your hand right now?"

"Nope," he replied, "rule number two, if you feel like something, do that something."

Yesung smiled sweetly and slipped his hand in Kyuhyun's and giggled. It made him feel like a teenager. He was basically told to act impulsively and to not feel shame about it. How exciting.

"You have to listen to that voice on the inside, listen to what you want to do. It's not about what you should do, and what society, or your parents, or you girlfriend want to do, it's about what you want."

Yesung expected more, but nothing came after that last statement. He figured Kyuhyun needed a bit of time to think about what to say next, but as they walked down the riverside path, he just stayed silent. Yesung had to ask.

"That's it?"

"What else do you want me to say? Those are the basic steps for a lifetime of debauchery. No inhibition whatsoever, that generally works for me. Anyway, don't knock it 'til you try it."

"Okay, well I feel like having a double espresso and making out on a park bench."

Kyuhyun nodded, "sounds good."

After a full day of figurative debauchery Yesung had had his fill and was comfortably laying beside Kyuhyun in his apartment, feeling a mixture of bliss, thrill, and contentment. He had experience it fully, the pleasure of being in full control of his life. It was so wonderful, and it grew steadily in him, like a beast, slowly overtaking every thought of his job, family, girlf...Then it hit him.

"," he spat out before sitting up in a hurry. "It's late, I need to go."

"Oh. Enjoy."

"What am I going to tell my girlfriend?"

Kyuhyun gave him a pointed look, clearly unhappy by Yesung's question. "I told you this morning, I can't help you with that."

"But..."

"Your girlfriend, your business."

"But..."

"I don't understand, I showed you what you had been craving for, shouldn't you be indifferent to me now?"

It was true. What he felt for his girlfriend was different than what he felt for Kyuhyun. He didn't love Kyuhyun, quite far from it. He was entranced by him, hypnotized, he had an uncanny ability to distract him, but he wasn't in love with him. In fact, he didn't feel anything for the other man.

He needed to go home to his girlfriend.

He looked at Kyuhyun, and he knew Kyuhyun knew. This was the end of their strange arrangements, there would be no next time, no hastily knocking at his door in search for a fix, or skipping work to live decadently together. In the spur of the moment, Yesung hastily pressed his lips against Kyuhyun's.

"Thank you,".

He never told his girlfriend of his sporadic escapades with another man he barely knew. Hell, he didn't even know his last name. She thought his sneaking around was due to some kind of life crisis, that he solved by himself. The truth was, he was so conflicted about what he had experienced with Kyuhyun, and it bothered him. Yesung would've anything, anything the other man would have told him, and thank goodness for his common sense because Yesung was so bewitched he had no rationality left. Quite frankly, Yesung would have eloped with him if it wasn't for the flash back to reality.

He wasn't quite as content with his life as he had felt it with Kyuhyun. It wasn't easy, living a normal life with that much lenience, he had to have a structure or his life would crumble. Kyuhyun's ways were utopic, it was impossible to partially adopt them. Still, he was a lot happier than he had been nearly a year ago.

It was a beautiful spring day, and he was out with his girlfriend, on his way to hanging around town and mindlessly browsing in the small boutiques by the riverside. Standing beside her on a crowded metro platform, his eyes locked with a stranger on the other side of the tracks. He let out a gasp as he realised it was no stranger.

"What is it? Someone you know?"

He waited for something to burst in his chest, some emotions, leftover feelings, a spontaneous desire to join him on the other side and leave her behind, but no, his heart didn't even still, he felt...nothing.

The train arrived, cutting the visual connection between the two of them, leaving Yesung with his confused girlfriend, and Kyuhyun...Kyuhyun was just another stranger on the platform.

"No," he said sweetly, "that was no one."

A/N

I'm sorry, that wasn't very Kyusung day appropriate, like I said I read some very depressing adult books for my literature class and this idea popped up into my mind. I was kinda stuck decided what kind of ending I'd give it, whether I'd make Kyuhyun and Yesung elope together or I'd make this kind of ending... I did put warning in the foreword...

I won't have my computer for a while so I don't know whether I'll be able to update my other fic, but I'll try my best to still write something. Thanks to everyone who subscribed, enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think of it. Happy belated Kyusung day^^