One touch “Stop…”. A grab of my shirt “Please…”. Another extasy-filled scream near my ear “I’m only his…”. I quickened my pace, wanting to get in the car as fast as I could. I threw a glance back at the others who had stopped to greet the fans. The crowd seemed to get more excited when Donghae took Eunhyuk’s hand in his. Damn fanservice! I used to do it with him too. We liked to see their reactions when there was hot skin against hot skin, sweat combined, hips grinding. That’s over now. One wrong word after another and the number of the days when he wasn’t there grew fast. I miss him like crazy, but I’ll never admit it to the members. They think that I finally got over him, that everything is like it used to be before he left. But how can it be? There’s an empty spot right there, next to us.

           I got in the car, going to the back and waiting for the guys to come too. I sighed as I watched Sungmin sitting next to me. He smiled. That kid used to be worse than I am. He thought no one liked him. He thought that his life was worthless. But he was wrong. We all told him that, but only Kyuhyun managed to convince him that even thousands of diamonds couldn’t be compared to him. They’re happy now. Something that we’ll never be… The day he left marked the ending of everything that once was called us. I have no hope for the future. He’s in China and I am where I am, where I should be, where he should be too.

           I turned my head and looked out the window. I saw a banner on which it was written “HanChul forever”. I chuckled darkly. At least they still have hope and  I can say that they do even more than me. They dream more than enough. They do it for the both of us. Even though the members tried too, the fans were the only ones that kept me smiling. They remind me of Kim Heechul that is still in love with him, they remind me of our love. They are innocent and pure, or at least that’s what they show us. Yesung told me about some stories he read and trust me, that was not innocent at all. That’s why they are like us in some ways. Or like we used to be.

           I keep saying us, but it’s not right at all. And nowadays, it seems like nothing that I do feels right. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about him, that is wrong doing it, but I can’t. I want to forget him. I want to be free, but I guess once you let someone in and that person grows on you and is tied around your heart, it makes it hard to let go. I tried to cut off all the strings that related me to him, but there is one that’s too thick and I can’t get rid of it. It is the result of my mistake. I let myself to be entangled in a web of lies and I fell for him. Now, because of my foolishness I’m suffering. But I guess I kinda like it. Since when did pain taste so sweet? Maybe that’s why I don’t wanna stop thinking about him.

           At least everything’s bearable since I don’t have to see him or talk to him or hear him out or anything like that. I can live just fine while he’s not around. I can surpress my feelings and recently, I learned how to smile again. I have to be strong for my members, for my fans. I can’t be selfish anymore, even if I am Kim Heechul. Even if they don’t want me to see it, I know that they are worried. I have to be strong. I have to protect them and act like a hyung and dongsaeng that they can trust and use as a pilar, not one that still lets the past hurt him. Seeing how hard they tried today to support me and make me feel better, seeing the big crowd of fans gathered only for us, makes me wanna hope again. I can only do it because of them. I can succeed in forgetting him like that.

           “Hyung?” I heard Ryeowook’s soft voice and looked up. He had a cute frown decorating his features and his lips pursed in a thin line. He was holding his phone up for me to see and he seemed like he wanted to say something more, but the words were caught in his throat. What could it be? I raised an eyebrow and stared at the others. “What? Is it something on my face?” I asked glaring playfully at them. “Y-You didn’t hear the conversation?” Sungmin questioned me. I shook my head and waited for one of them to explain. Leeteuk sighed and glanced up, looking right into my eyes, with a gaze I haven’t noticed before. “Heechul-ah” he started “Hankyung is in Korea. He wants to see you.”. And there goes all my plans of succeeding. Thank you, Hankyung-ah.