It was back. All too vividly, Taehyun saw the truck speeding along the intersection, going too fast and he knew instantly that something was going to happen. But before he could warn mino, the world erupted into a myriad of colours, drenched in the smell of flowers. Freesias. The smell took him to another memory, standing below an umbrella, watching the coffin get lowered to the ground, covered with flowers. He threw the rose down and looked up to meet the red-rimmed eyes of the only other person who knew him inside out. He didn’t stop even when his heart threatened to break all over again as he walked away, the smell of freesias still fresh in his nose. Another memory came up, this one a recent one. He saw himself standing to the side, watching his former bestfriend kneel down and pay his respects to their fallen brother. He saw the car. He saw Mino’s lifeless body lying on the hospital bed. He saw the coffin. He saw his family, his school mates, Danah and Mino’s mother, Seungyoon’s mother and last of all, Seungyoon and his red-rimmed eyes. He saw the world erupt into a myriad of colours and then Seungyoon, lying lifeless on the hospital bed.

He bolted upright, heart hammering in his chest. Letting out a groan, his head fell into his hands and he squinted, hoping the images would go away but the last scene could not leave him. He swung his legs over the bed and glanced at the clock. Only an hour since he had retired from the catching up session he had had with Seungyoon. He knew it was cruel but he found himself opening the door to his bedroom and approaching the living room where his old ‘friend’ slept on the couch. The sleeping face of Seungyoon was peaceful and he looked like a little boy, like the one he had known before and unlike the man Taehyun saw at the church. Seeing him sleeping so soundly managed to calm Taehyun a bit and he breathed in relief. He gave a tiny snore and Taehyun cracked a small grin. It was good to see him like this, finally, after three years. Even if they still hadn’t had the conversation that could make Seungyoon either want to go away or stay, Taehyun felt slightly hopeful considering the fact that the other had followed him back to his apartment. He took it as a sign that the elder was willing to listen to his explanation for leaving him so abruptly.

When the funeral ended, Taehyun walked home directly and locked himself up in his room, ignoring the worried calls of his family that came after him. He watched the rain fall down in torrents and thought, in a very cliché manner, that the sky was mourning the loss of his best friend too. He remembered waking up in a hospital bed, his family gathered around him and only his family. He remembered the surprise and confusion because he was sure his friends would have been there by his bedside.  He remembered the shock and the disbelief that had struck him when his mother had tearfully told him of the accident and the same emotions flashing through his family’s faces when he rushed out of his room and dashed down the hallways. He remembered standing at the doorway of his friend’s hospital room where he could see the family and his other bestfriend gathered around the sleeping body of Mino. He remembered stepping into the room and making his way, hoping against hope that what his mother had said was not true, that Mino was just sleeping and that he would wake up and flash him the big grin he always had. Taehyun remembered the ice-cold terror that had swept over and which still resided in his heart and his knees giving out under him when he realized Mino wasn’t coming back after all. He remembered feeling arms going around him and a body shaking next to him, a husky, familiar voice saying the same thing over and over again. And he remembered the words. ‘It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.

At the memories, Taehyun broke into sobs strong enough to shake his whole body. The tears flew down freely down his face at the bitter truth. Mino’s dreams of going to college first before the other two, of learning music and composition and becoming a music producer, his dreams of supporting his family and having a bright future and a job he loved- all those dreams were now replaced by a dark void. And in the midst of his sorrow, Taehyun felt a loss-the loss of a love that could have been, that the summer had in its map for the two of them and it opened another dam of tears to fall down his face. For seconds and minutes, he continued to sit there, rocking on his heels, sobbing like there was no end. Grief enveloped him in its embrace and guilt joined in after. Taehyun remembered how he had seen the truck but how he had froze, words stuck in his mouth. He remembered the reason why they were driving- how he had persuaded his two friends to visit the lake and how it would never have happened had he not had the idea from a fellow classmate. It would never have happened if he had not been so sulky when they protested, making them feel guilty and finally consent. Mino would not have been dead if he had driven instead. It was all his fault, he had killed his friend. The words Seungyoon had spoken to him reverberated in his head and once again, Taehyun felt like he was going to die from lack of air because Seungyoon had no idea, he really had no idea that Taehyun had killed their friend.

‘Taehyun, stop staring at me,’ Seungyoon mumbled.

‘Ah, I’m sorry hyung. Did I wake you up?’

‘Who wouldn’t when you’re practically throwing daggers at me?’ the other squinted his eyes at him.

‘I wasn’t glaring. Sorry.’

‘I was just kidding, Taehyun-ah. Why are you up now?’

Taehyun bit his lip but there was no easy excuse for why he’d been staring like a fool. ‘I, I had a nightmare.’

‘And came to check if I was alive?’ Seungyoon asked dryly.

‘Uh.. yea, hyung. How do you…?’

Seungyoon sat up and stretched lazily. ‘Let’s go find something to eat. This is not a conversation I want to have on an empty stomach.’

Taehyun found himself, once again, following his hyung dumbly. ‘Why eat?’

‘It actually helps me with stress. That’s why I’m so fat now.’

Taehyun let out a snort. ‘As if you could ever be fat, chopstick hyung.’

‘Would Jinwoo mind if we steal his ice-cream?’Seungyoon popped his head inside the fridge, ignoring the jab at his thin figure.

‘Nah. I can always buy him a new one.’

‘Where is he, anyway? I think I saw him leave us around 11 o’clock?’

‘Said he was going to sleep at Seunghoon’s; that’s our friend who lives upstairs,’ Taehyun handed Seungyoon a spoon.

‘Oh.’

The next minute was filled with silence interrupted only by the quiet sound of spoons digging into the tub of vanilla ice-cream.

‘Have you been well?’ Seungyoon asked quietly, glancing briefly at the younger.

Taehyun nodded, holding the spoon to his mouth. ‘I’ve gotten better. What about you?’

‘I’ve gotten better too. The nightmares don’t show up so frequent now.’ A pause.  ‘What was your nightmare?’

‘Memories.’ Taehyun winced at the flashback. It isn’t real, it wasn’t real, he thought to himself. He looked at Seungyoon and willed it to go away.

Seungyoon looked up to find him staring and smiled wryly. ‘I’m alive, Taehyun-ah, don’t worry.’

‘Hyung…’

‘Wondering how I know?’ Seungyoon sighed. ‘I know your nightmare because I have the same ones. You’re the one who haunts me most.’

Taehyun stared at the elder, mouth running dry. How did one respond to a statement like that? He wondered how many times the elder had seen him to have been able to say with that hollow tone. It was almost as if he had accepted the nightmare, as if the nightmare was his companion every other night. Taehyun felt his heart break at the thought. He had had the same dreams every night the first year but as time passed and he had learned to shove the pain and memories so deep he could ignore it, the nightmares had stopped making their nightly rounds. And when they did come back, he would be back in square one or maybe square two, if he gave himself some credit, making him realize the scars weren’t healed properly after all.

‘It hurts to see you like that every damn time. But I learned to live with it because how little difference there was between the nightmares and reality. You made yourself dead to me.’ Seungyoon gave a small sigh. ‘But if that was the only way you could survive, if that was how you could heal yourself, I used to tell myself it was okay. And that’s why I didn’t come after you because I wanted you to heal. You probably felt ten times worse than me but now you’re healed, right, Taehyun-ah?’

Seungyoon’s voice was soft and kind and everything Taehyun felt he did not deserve. At that split second, he knew what he had to do and say. ‘No. I’m not okay,’ he managed to blurt out before he felt arms wrap around him, warm, familiar arms that reminded him of home and he heard the words being mumbled all over again.

‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ But this time, it was from him.

‘It was my fault. It was my fault that hyung died. If I hadn’t persuaded you both to go to the lake with me, we wouldn’t have been in that car, driving there and we wouldn’t have been hit.’

‘Taehyun…’ Seungyoon began before the other pulled free from his embrace and leaned back on the counter. His face was pale, streaked with tears, hair tousled and a mess.

‘I saw the truck okay? I saw the truck at the intersection up ahead. I saw the damned truck heading our way,’ Taehyun’s voice, for all the icy tone it had started with, drifted off into a wobble. It was the first time he had ever said it out loud and words had a way of making everything seem real. ‘It was all my fault. I saw it and I didn’t stop Mino hyung. I didn’t say anything and hyung got killed. It was all my fault and I couldn’t see you with that you. I couldn’t be with you, knowing I had killed our best friend. You tried to hide it but I saw your red-rimmed eyes, hyung. I saw how you suffered, how much you hurt during the funeral. and I couldn’t take it anymore, killing mino and hurting you. Hyung, that’s why I left.’ Taehyun looked down at his hands, his vision getting blurry by the second. He felt weak like his legs would give way under him. He honestly wouldn’t blame Seungyoon if he decided to pack up and leave right then and there. Who would want to be with the person who had killed their best-friend?

‘It was not your fault,’ was all he got before the elder reached out towards him.

‘How can you still say that? I saw the truck.’ Taehyun recoiled from the touch he desperately needed.

‘Nam taehyun, it was not your fault. It was not. Just because you saw the truck doesn’t mean anything. No one would have been able to say it. Anyone else in your place wouldn’t have the time to say it. The truck crashed into the car at 80 km/hr. you did not kill hyung. the accident killed hyung. taehyun-ah, I know. It is not your fault.’

‘Seungyoon …’

‘Taehyun listen to me. You did not kill hyung. you did not kill our best-friend. The accident killed him. even if we hadn’t gone to the lake, a person cannot escape his death, Taehyun. I’m sorry Taehyun-ah. It’s not your fault.’

Taehyun cried more than ever before, if that was even possible but hearing the conviction in the elder’s voice, the honesty and the emotions, his heart felt lighter, rid of the guilt and the secret he had been keeping for three years. And the release from it all, at the confession and being convinced by his hyung made him cry harder into Seungyoon’s chest, finally getting the closure he needed. He wasn’t the only one crying either. Seungyoon who had finally gotten an explanation, the answer to the question keeping him up almost every night could not help but cry along as his once best friend let out his heart in his arms. It had been so long since he had felt the other this close, been so long since his heart felt whole. It had been a long time before he felt like he was at home.

It may have been minutes or hours, neither of them knew, before they drew back from each other, noses red, eyes raw from all the feelings shed.

‘I’m sorry,’ Taehyun murmured, cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

‘I’m sorry too.’

‘You have nothing to be sorry about hyung. I’m just glad you gave me the chance to explain myself.’

‘it’s all right, Taehyun-ah.’

Taehyun nodded, keeping his eyes off the elder and moving to the sink. ‘I have to clean this up before jinwoo hyung comes back in the morning.’

‘I’ll help,’ seungyoon offered to which he got a shake of the head.

‘You’ll be tired. Go to sleep.’

Seungyoon watched the broad back of the younger as he wiped the counter top and proceeded to wash the spoons. He wanted to talk more and he knew Taehyun knew it wasn’t yet settled, a few tears here and there and an explanation didn’t just miraculously heal a broken relationship but Seungyoon also knew he had to give the younger space and time. Forcing him had never done the job, even when they were kids. ‘Okay. Goodnight Taehyun-ah.’

‘Hyung?’

‘Yea?’ Seungyoon turned back.

‘About the question you asked me earlier about the flowers, I can’t stand them now especially freesias because Mino picked them for me.’

It would sound strange and awkward and confusing to anyone else but Seungyoon knew what lay between the lines. After all, he had seen the soft looks, the adoring smiles and the way both his friends would light up in each other’s presence. His heart ached at Taehyun’s words and even more so at how rigid his shoulders were, at how the younger refused to turn back to look at him.

‘I’m sorry Taehyun-ah.’ He hoped the words would be enough to reach across the space separating them, hoped the younger could still read him like he used to.

‘It’s not your fault. Goodnight hyung.’

‘Goodnight.’

It was nearing 5 am and Taehyun was still awake, staring up at the dark ceiling. Too overcome by emotions ranging from gratefulness to embarrassment to melancholia to empathy, sleep had not come to him. He kept thinking about Mino, what could have been, the past, their childhood but mostly, he thought of Seungyoon – Seungyoon and his righteous ways, Seungyoon and his selflessness, Seungyoon suffering all those years alone, Seungyoon, Seungyoon, Seungyoon. Seungyoon who understood him, Seungyoon who knew how he felt without having to say it out loud, Seungyoon who could make him open up like no other person could, Seungyoon who had lifted the fog around his heart, the burden on his shoulders and the lock upon his mouth, Seungyoon who had let him cry in his arms even when he had been the one who should have been held and allowed to let go of all the pain he had been put through, Seungyoon who had put his sufferings before his own; Seungyoon made Taehyun confused. He was grateful, that was a given but he was also angry at the elder for his selfless deeds. He was angry at the elder for accepting him so easily, for not getting angry at him. He was grateful, yes, but Taehyun felt angry at the absence of a scolding, the cold shoulder, he felt he deserved. At the same time, he was immensely glad towards the elder for his comfort and if he were bold enough to admit it, love.  What further complicated the already messy yarn of emotions Taehyun felt was the future. He had explained, he had been honest, laid everything on the table but he knew it wasn’t yet enough. A single night could not immediately fix three years of silence; this, Taehyun knew with dread. He was nervous, anxious. What if morning came and Seungyoon could see everything clearly in broad daylight and decide he did not after all, want to be with him any longer. What if their friendship which had deteriorated in the past few years arrive at its end? All these thoughts kept Taehyun up until his already sore eyes drooped lower and lower until they could not take it anymore.

He was awakened by the light hitting the back of his eyes and he rolled over, a swear leaving his mouth at forgetting to close the drapes the night before. A second later, he was sitting up, the memories of the previous night returning to him. Throwing his covers away, he sprinted out of his bedroom door towards the living room and stopped in his tracks. The couch was neat, devoid of covers and blankets and a pillow. A weight slowly filled his heart and Taehyun stood there, not quite believing and yet believing the turn of events. His knees were about to give away before he heard laughter in the kitchen. Slowly, fearfully, he made his way there and the sight that greeted him made his heart clench.

Seungyoon was sitting between Jinwoo and Seunghoon, hair untidy and sticking out in all directions, but all Taehyun could see was the huge smile on his face and the light shining in his eyes, even visible from where he stood at the doorway, as he listened to the other two talk. It was a few seconds later when his presence was acknowledged and the laugher and conversation drifted off into silence.

‘Taehyun-ah, you’re up!’ Jinwoo gave him a huge smile, preparing to go to him before Seunghoon stopped him with a firm hold. It was only then that he noticed the tense atmosphere between the two younger men. Seungyoon who had been laughing a minute ago, was rigid and staring at Taehyun almost fearfully and the youngest was staring too, his face and his eyes closed for reading.

‘Taehyun,’ Seungyoon’s voice was clear, stable.

‘Does this mean we’re okay?’ was all Taehyun said. Jinwoo could hear the fragility in his voice, a trait he had often heard but pretended to not see when Taehyun used to talk scantily about his past. This time, it was too loud, the hopefulness and the fragility too pronounced to ignore and jinwoo knew, without a doubt, it was because of the young man seated next to him.

A smile made its way slowly to Seungyoon’s lip as he nodded, maintaining the eye contact, ‘If that’s what you want.’

‘That’s what I want,’ Taehyun replied firmly before he broke into a huge smile.

Home.