Everything outside screamed of summer and freedom and Taehyun leaned his head on the sill of the open window, letting the wind caress his cheeks and card itself through his hair. It was hot and it was sweaty but he loved what it stood for; he could not wait to see what vacations had laid before them. He looked back inside to find Mino bobbing his head to the music and rolled his eyes at the apparent concentration on his friend’s face as he kept up with the rap. Shifting his eyes to the small bunch of handpicked flowers sitting on the headboard, Taehyun felt something unfurling inside him-something new nestled comfortably between the layers of comfort and ease that years of companionship had brought and if he told himself to be honest, Taehyun was eager to see it grow. He did not feel any fear or inhibition and he knew it would grow slowly but surely and he was willing to nurture it. Something or the other must have ticked him off(in later days, Taehyun never could understand what, why and how)  because he whipped his head forward to squint at the intersection ahead of them and before he could open his mouth in a warning, the world exploded into a myriad of colours, the smell of flowers filling his nostrils. Damn the flowers.

Taehun bolted awake, heart hammering in his chest. Groaning feebly, he fell back into the covers, stuffing his face with the spare pillow. The dream was back after months of silence and he knew why. He peeked at the clock beside him. Still an hour before daybreak but he knew sleep was not coming back. Grabbing his phone, he started typing furiously and an hour later, he was already at the bus station while back in the apartment, his roommate, Jinwoo’s phone lit up with a notification from Taehyun, telling him he was heading home.

 Three hours later, Taehyun was home, though the word ‘home’ had lost its meaning. It had ceased to be ‘home’ ever since the memories threatened to suffocate him and no bestfriends were there to welcome him. Not anymore.

The town lay before him-a new layout with new additions and sprawling buildings where old shops and playgrounds used to stand. Still it was possible for him to trace the streets where his childhood self used to run along and play, the streets and shops where his memories lay. Taehyun looked up at the blue sky through the branches and leaves of the tree he was sitting under. It was hot and sweaty-just like the day of the ‘accident’.  And the view from where he sat had remained stagnant and unchanged throughout the years.

‘Hyung, how are you?’ he muttered. ‘I’m doing better now but I believe you already know that just like I know how you’d be laughing your off at how emotional I am right now, sitting under our tree and recalling the memories. You should consider yourself a lucky -hat for me to come back to this place again,’ Taehyun sighed. ‘I miss you, you know. The dream came back and it was so vivid and clear, almost like it happened just yesterday.’

He could feel the emotions bubbling up to the surface, emotions he had kept in check for the past year. Reality hit him in the face at such close proximity, it was hard to ignore when he was sitting at their usual spot. The place had witnessed so many things, impromptu singing sessions accompanied with the gentle strums of Seungyoon’s guitar, the jokes, the secrets, everything shared between three best friends who had grown up with each other and who would bunk afternoon church services on Sundays in favour of watching the clouds and talking about whatever came to mind. This place was their spot-their hangout and their refuge when teenage life seemed to enclose them with its stress and problems. This was where they would find Seungyoon composing, Minho rapping and Taehyun singing. Taehyun bit his lip; it must have been a long time since the tree saw any of them.

‘I miss this place. Do you come here often, Hyung? I think you do. I can feel you here. I hope you’re having a nice time, being a teenager forever, you lucky bastard.  You were the oldest and now you’re the youngest. I wish I could order you around like how you’d use to do, now that I’m older than you. My college campus is really nice, you would have loved it but you wouldn’t have attended it. You would have gone to the college we all dreamed of and you’d be studying music and composition and you’d be having a mighty good time. We’d all be having a mighty good time, renting an apartment together and having singing sessions like we used to. I always wonder what we’d be doing if we were all still together but it is impossible now, right? Not after that car crashed into ours. And I couldn’t save you, hyung … if only I could have said something, you’d still be here.’

Taehyun continued to sit there for another half-hour, the wind, the sun and the trees bearing witness to his emotional breakdown and all the feelings he had kept hidden from everyone except himself.

An hour later, he was sitting with Minho’s mother, going through albums of memories. She was strong, stronger than he and he marveled at how she had kept herself upright after losing her only son. ‘Taehyun-ah,’ she grasped his hand as he prepared to leave. ‘Be happy, okay? Your hyung would have wanted that. You understand me?’ he looked at the earnestness in her eyes and nodded, speechless. ‘And don’t blame yourself for what happened. At least I still have two sons left.’ Taehyun suddenly found it hard to swallow. How had she known? She squeezed his hand in silent comfort and he felt like crying all over again. In a second, he was out of the door and speeding down the stairs.

He soon found himself outside the open gates of the church. It had not changed a bit, the walls still painted the same colour, the same oak tree guarding the entrance and the open wooden doors. Nodding to give himself moral support, he squared his shoulders and walked in. it had been a long  time since he had stepped inside a church- the last time still haunted him. He slipped inside the last pew and closed his eyes in silent prayer. The thoughts flew our freely and when they ran dry, he continued to sit there, hoping… hoping for something, someone to happen. Maybe his prayer was heard and answered because soon after, he felt someone slip into the seat next to him. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know who it was- years of sitting next to him on Sundays had not gone to waste; he could easily recognize the familiar warmth of the body beside him. 

When they finally went outside, Taehyun managed to get a clear look at his companion. He looked good, thinner than the last time he had seen him yet his plump cheeks had survived the three years and he had on a smile-the radiant smile Taehyun would see in his memories and sometimes, in his dreams and nightmares.

‘Go with me somewhere,’ was all Seungyoon said before he turned his back and started walking toward town. Taehyun dumbly followed, watching the elder’s back as they walked down the streets. Teenagers loitered in the streets, ice-creams in their hands, laughter ringing, obviously enjoying the summer and the end of school. It made him nostalgic, made him long for the good old days and being young adults, still ready to face the world. But things had changed and their childhood had been cut short. Not that they hadn’t had problems growing up because they had- they all had had to deal with the problems that adolescence brought but their dreams of conquering the world in their own way, their dream of facing the future head-on with one another had been ruined. And it had all been Taehyun’s fault. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the other stopping outside a flower-shop. ‘I know you hate flowers so can you wait for me outside?’ was all he said, again before stepping inside the shop, the little bell above the door announcing his entry. Taehyun leaned against the wall, mulling over the coincidence of meeting the other on his first visit home during the summer.

Seungyoon came out of the shop, holding a bouquet of freesias and tulips. The smell hit Taehyun as soon as he stepped out and he winced at the memory. Freesias had been a part of the bunch sitting on the headboard. Seungyoon again walked past him and taehyun followed like a lost puppy but he sort of thought the expression fitted him well. He had always followed Seungyoon one way or another even if it didn’t seem like it. He had always looked up the elder even though he was only a few months older and though Taehyun was independent in and out, even when they were younger, he had always latched himself onto his two hyungs.

They ended their walk at the graveyard, the anxiety levels increasing rather alarmingly. He watched in silence as Seungyoon knelt down to put the bouquet beside a tombstone. Looking on as the elder hung his head and closed his eyes, obviously paying his respects, Taehyun felt tears pricking his eyes and wondered how it had all become like this. He couldn’t help but think of how it would have been easier to have had his hyung by his side, a phone-call away during all those years he had suffered to relieve himself of the guilt and the pain. But it had been his fault and who was he to complain?

‘Mino hyung would be happy to see us two finally together again,’ Seungyoon said quietly as he stood up, a small smile on his face. Taehyun looked at him before giving a small yea. He could breathe again, seeing the smile upon the other’s face. Seungyoon always had had a calming effect on Taehyun, a trait he hadn’t found in anybody else except Jinwoo but the latter had that effect on everyone. ‘But it isn’t my fault, is it?’ Seungyoon continued and Taehyun looked up to find eyes full of questions and a glint of accusations. Taehyun swallowed thickly before giving a slight nod. He had to explain himself if he wanted to renew their friendship, and even if he didn’t want to, Seungyoon deserved an explanation.

 ‘I visited our old place,’ Taehyun started once they had finished paying their respects. ‘The view is exactly the same.’

‘Yeah, I went there yesterday too.’

‘Yesterday? How long have you been here?’

‘Arrived the day before yesterday. Planning to go again this evening.’

‘Oh.’

‘Let me guess, you’re only staying for today, right?’

Taehyun nodded. ‘I can’t stay too long.’

‘I know.’

‘Huh?’

‘My mom talks about you, sometimes. Only weekends right?’

‘And Christmas last year.’

Taehyun didn’t get a reply. ‘It’s been a long time since we saw each other, huh?’ he ventured to ask, breaking the silence after a while.

‘You disappeared.’

‘I had to. You must know that.’

‘I guess. But you could have told me, at least,’ Seungyoon raked a hand through his already untidy hair and Taehyun felt the urge to pat it smooth. ‘But we were young, you were young and it was ages ago so it’s okay I guess.’

Taehyun looked at the tired smile on the elder’s face before the decision was made for him. ‘Want to come with me?’

The sunset saw them boarding the same bus.