Dear You,

No, I don’t wish to mention your name. You know why? Because I hate the way that it rolls perfectly off my tongue, like I was meant to say it. Besides, the simple mention of your name irks me.

Moving on, I would like to say four simple words to you: I don’t miss you. No, I don’t. I know you’re probably smiling at this piece of paper right now like an idiot thinking to yourself, “Oh, yes you do.” but I don’t. I don’t miss you. Maybe I even hate you.

Yes, yes, that’s it. I hate you.

It’s hard to explain why but I’ll try. You know that sick feeling you get when you're supposed to feel guilty but you're not and then suddenly you feel guilty for not feeling guilty? Yeah, it's pretty confusing... but that is what I am feeling right now. Right now, when I'm watching the whole world pity you and asking you to feel better. Well, I want to pity you... if only I didn't hate you so much. You make me feel like a monster, a bloody monster. You walk around with that defeated look on your face while people glare at me like I'm the demon who left you at your worst time. In your defense, that is a little bit true.

Let’s start from the beginning. I’ll admit that I did love you. That very first time that I saw you smile. You can call it love at first sight or whatever that pretentious crap the kids call it these days but I did feel my heart skip a beat when I first saw you. You were like this little light bulb in the midst of bright stars.

Weird but true.

Everything was so flashy and bright and attention grabbing but the only thing that grabbed my attention was you. You stood there with tight pants and a half-smile on your face with everyone wondering why you didn’t talk very much. I stared at your perfect hair and the shadows underneath your eyes and I just… lost it, I guess. People did warn me about you. They told me to not even spare that boy a glance because you’ll only end up getting hurt. They say mean and horrible things about you. Stuff like you’re attention-seeking, cowardly, weak, promiscuous, and every mean word they could think of.

 

So I decided to ignore you. I believed their filthy rumors and disregarded your existence. I ignored the way my heart fluttered when I heard your voice. I simply didn’t want to see the judgmental stares people would give me once they found out that you were the one I looked up to. I would like to say that I did it because I was confused but I didn't. I did it because I was a coward who couldn't accept the fact that I was falling for one of the most unpopular members of the group. I didn't want to see the look that people gave me when they found out. I was a coward who couldn't stand up for my feelings.

But that didn't stop me from noticing you though. I see you even when I'm looking at the other members. A single shot of you during reality shows can make me go insane while I don't even react to the other members' entire segments. You were like a prize that I couldn't get, a giant reminder that I can't have everything. Either way, you were the one who made me feel things that I haven't felt before. But I didn't show it, of course. I was quite the actress.

It wasn't until your new comeback song came out that people started to notice you. I don't know why but I've finally felt a sense of dread when I saw them fawning over you. You were mine, I thought to myself. They only saw you because you've finally got the spotlight but I was the one who saw you sparkle way before. Even in the darkness, I still saw you shine while they were so focused on everything else! I almost felt a sense of protectiveness over you. And just then I realized that it wasn't just interest or infatuation anymore. It was actual love.

They say love is when you care too much. And boy can I say that I cared too much about you. You were like my own personal fail-safe. My face would immediately bright up at the sound of your name. Even if some of my friends finally notice your presence I still felt like I was special. Know why? Because I saw you even when there were so many bright stars overshadowing your presence.

But I failed to see one thing, so did a thousand other girls.

 

I didn't know what was it about you but you made me happy. You made me know how it felt like to love someone so much that it hurt. It hurt so bad but I didn't stop because you were the one that kept me sane. You were the one who pulled me back into the world when I was getting too lost in my own. People might say that it was fantasy that would past and I would forget but I won't.

I know I won't.

Because if it was all just a phase, then what am I doing here, two years later, on my bedroom's cold floor, writing this letter with tears in my eyes, asking to myself when will it all end?

It wasn't a fantasy. It never was. You were the one who provided me comfort during my hardest times of writing. I could've written a thousand words for you, all for you. You felt so unappreciated and so unloved that you didn't even see me. You didn't even spare me a glance. How could you, right?

I'm just another fan in the crowd.

The seven words that every fan knows and despises... The sudden rush of cold bitter reality to slap you hard in the face once you get to full of yourself. Trust me, it hurts. It hurts to know that the person you love will never even know your name. But it was the path I chose, wasn't it? I didn't choose to love you but I didn't stop myself as well. I was the one to blame because you have done me no wrong whatsoever. The only thing you did was be yourself.... and unfortunately, I fell in love with you for it.

Sometimes, I find myself staring at the monitor wondering what to write next when all I could think of was you. Meanwhile your agency barely gives you lines during songs and they rarely include you in the album. They never let you sing even if you are a "singer".  It was funny, so damn funny. But hey... that would make us perfect for each other, wouldn't it?

You were the singer that couldn't sing.

And I was the writer who couldn't write.

Fate played a sick joke on the two of us, didn't it? Earning the right to say that we've lived our dream but never really living it. I know deep inside you understand.

I thought that this is what I wanted but I don't even get it anymore. I know you regret things, too. Did you love her? You know who I'm talking about. You can deny things all you want but we both know the truth. Were you forced to let her go? If that's so, then I'm sorry. I know you did it for the fans, for the group, for yourself. Please know that I don't hate you for loving her. If she is the one that puts a smile on your face, then I would worship her.

It was fine. Everything was fine. Even if I loved you so much, it was okay if my love remained unrequited. I was still happy because your existence was enough. I didn't need to have you. I didn't need to smother you with my love like all the fangirls do. You didn't need to be mine. All you had to do was be onstage, do what you love, and that would be enough to make me smile. You loved your work and I loved you. It could be that way forever as long as you were happy. But then, it all fell apart.

 

He came. And although he was nothing compared to you, he was the one that people loved more. He was more popular and charismatic than you would ever be. In everyone's eyes, you were nothing compared to him.

But not to me... 

I never looked at him the way that I looked at you. My heart didn't flutter at the sound of his voice. My face didn't grow red at his smirk. You were still the one that I was thinking about day and night. You were still the one who inspired me to do better. Your existence was my happiness not his. Overall, you still had my heart.

But it didn't last very long. Imagine it like this, like I had two cats. One was loved and praised while the other was appreciated by some and scorned by many. Of course, even if they are both mine, I would pay more attention to the one that was more popular. Because that is how people work, they pay attention to the ones that bring them praise, admiration and all that useless crap. Everyone likes being envied by others and because of him, everyone envied me. They were so jealous and I liked it. 

Because no one ever dared to insult his undeniable beauty, I would indulge myself in the lie that I was in love with him and not you. When I showed him to my friends, there were no judgmental stares. So I decided that I'll show him off to the world and keep you for myself. So that people wouldn't have to judge you and I wouldn't have to feel sorry for you.    

 

Then that day came. Your group was falling apart and you were as well. I remember running outside and looking up at the sky with tears in my eyes. I thought it would be the end for you. I was in so much pain as I imagined the look on your face. It hurt so much to know that I can't even be there to comfort you. I still remember all the comfort you provided your fans. All the efforts you have made to make us feel that everything's gonna be okay. But you knew it wouldn't be, didn't you?

Weeks passed and things went from bad to worse. It was all falling apart and I knew you were trying to hold it together. Slowly, I started to realize that your efforts only brought you more hate. I hated the world because how could they judge you at a time like this? I was in so much pain! Every mean comment they threw at you hurt me. But you didn't stop. You didn't stop being brave and they didn't stop hating you for it. So I decided to take my attention away from you and shower it on him instead. It numbed the pain for a while but that didn't mean the wounds were healing. Everything continued. The scandals, the controversies, everything... until you yourself began to fall apart.

That was when I decided to let go. I decided that I've had enough with watching the ones I loved in pain. I was beginning to get sick of everything. It almost felt like the spark between us had died down. I tried to trick myself into believing that it was just another one of those moments but it lasted too long. My heart no longer fluttered at the sound of your voice, your tired worn-out voice.

That was when I left you. I left you during the times when you needed me the most. I watched you break down. Call me a selfish but that's true. I left because the fantasy in my mind was over. It was a dead end and there was no longer any more room for you in my mind. I watched you go down in flames with my eyes uncaring whether or not you could recover.

And you know what makes me so hate-worthy? You know what makes me the monster? The villain of this twisted love story?

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed seeing you fall apart because of something you can't control. You reminded me of myself when I was lost in the idea of you. I was so lost and vulnerable back then. And now, it was your turn. You looked so helpless that so many people felt sorry for you but I didn't. I decided to be the selfish person I was. You were finally feeling my pain. And I was already replacing with someone else.

I know what you're thinking. If I hate you so much then what the heck is this, right? Why would I write you a letter if I'm so happy with him? Well, take this letter as some sort of apology lesson: That a single girl like me can never break you down because I am driven by my own selfishness while you are the definition of selfless. I have thought about coming back to you. But I see all of your other fans, loving you and supporting you without a single doubt. You don't deserve someone like me, someone so despicable and self-centered. You only deserve the best.

It has been two very long years since I've first met you. Yet I am still writing this with tears in my eyes still drowning in the memories of you. Sometimes, they are the only things that can put a smile on my face. Sometimes, they make me break down until I choke on my own tears.

 

I don't miss you, not at all.

 

Don't remember me,
Jungah

---

Jungah stared down at the white envelope in her hands. She had second thoughts of sending it of course but she knew it wouldn't matter anyway. He probably had tons of fan mail and hers would be one out of many. It was a small chance of him even touching the letter, an even smaller chance of him reading it.

"You're just gonna stare at that letter forever then?" Suyeon, her sister, asks in a no-less-than-mocking tone. "Just send it already! It's not like he'll read it."

"Geez, thanks for the encouragement. I really needed it," Jungah says sarcastically as she rolls her eyes dramatically. "I'll just give it to him once we go to the concert tomorrow. So that it would ba a bit more... personal."

"Personal? I thought you said you hated him!" Suyeon's eyebrows furrowed as she threw a pillow at her older sisters.

"I do," Jungah replied as she picked the pillow up and placed it on their bed. She lied down next to Suyeon and turned the lamp post off.

"Urgh, teenage girls are so bipolar..." Suyeon mumbled as she covered herself with a blanket.

Jungah wished she could disagree with that.

=×=×=

The night wasn't as cold as the usual nights in Seoul. It was Jungah's fourth time at a concert but this one felt unusually distinct. Maybe it was Jungah's anxiety that made her want to walkout during one of the performances. Maybe it was the noisy girl in the audience that kept yelling her bias' name. Every time the audience cheered, Jungah wanted to throw up. She felt like the world was spinning and have considered going home and leaving Suyeon but she thought about the letter. Damn that stupid letter. It it wasn't for her conscience then Jungah would already be sprinting out the door.

When the finale performance ended, everyone in the crowd was still cheering. Suyeon grabbed her sister's hand and yelled in her ear.

"Jungah, this is your chance! Go to the dressing room!" Suyeon pushed her through the crowds of people.

Jungah held her breath as she reached backstage. She pulled herself together and handed the backstage pass over to the security personnel. Thank God that she had saved enough money to afford it. They also had to check her to see if she was carrying any sort of harmful weapon. She felt her hands go sweatier every time she took a step closer to the group's dressing room. Her eyes were filled with tears but oddly, not a single one ran down her cheek. She looked at all the other girls backstage who were taking pictures with the other group members. She used to be very familiar with each of them but now, she didn't feel anything for them anymore. They were all a part of her past, just like he was. He wasn't there, Jungah realized.

"Oppa, take a picture with me!" one of them beamed and Jungah couldn't help but cringe at the sound of her voice.

The white thin envelope was in Jungah's hand and she began to rub the paper nervously. She gently placed the letter on the pile of gifts that the group has recieved from their fans. One by one, she stared at them and it made her think. She was the monster that let him go. At least, there was another fake fan leaving the fandom. Her absence would leave more space for other people. He didn't need her in his life. She need him way much more than he needed her. There was no need for the letter.

He already knew. He already knew that she was insignificant. He already knew that there were millions of other fans there for him, the loyal ones.

"This wasn't for him," she whispered to herself. This was for me. All the time she spent writing the letter, she believed it to be for him. It was for him to realize that so many others there for him. But that was just an excuse. This letter was her outlet, her explanation. Just as she thought that she's finally doing a perfectly selfless act, it turned out being a way to comfort herself.

Jungah's tears fell as she grabbed the letter from the pile of gifts. Unknowingly, she began to sob. She was a horrible person but that didn't really matter, did it? She didn't really matter. The tears continued to fall and Jungah was choking on them again. What has made her break down? Why was she crying in the back stage of the concert of the boy she once loved? Was she overreacting or was the world just too cruel to put her there? To show to her how unimportant she truly is.

"May I help you?" a familiar voice filled her ears.  Jungah wiped away her tears and cleared . But she felt something... something that she's felt before.  "Are you okay?" the voice asked.

Jungah felt her heart flutter.

 

---

A/N:

Did you get it? Sorry I can't say the boy's name. But I know some - if not all - of you will get it. A really short story but it took me like three hours to write this. I really do hope you like this. :)