The way he looked at me was painful.

But in the end, I think I deserve it.

Every part of my body feels numb.

I don't know what hurts more, my body, my brain, my heart or my soul.

All of them hate me. He hates me. And the only one at fault is me.

Kai was right. It was doing the things right but I did it all wrong. YiFan was always what I really want. Not only his body but I wanted it all from him. His good looks was a plus. Twenty years of friendship, since we were kids. Always together, we swore be best friends forever and guess we were. I was the shy one, fearing all the time, the nerd, with pretty face but nerd at the end. Kris was the athlete type, smiling, gorgeous face and great body. We were the most odd couple in school. Until I turned sixteen. 

At that age, I was the teenage dream of everyone in school and in the schools around the area. My long legs and fine was all talk at lunch time. My face was another thing. People said it was adorable, another said it was y but in the end, the schoolers and even some teacher wanted me on their beds. Less Kris.

With the age of sixteen, nice body and gorgeous face I figured my uality. Gay.

I found girls beautiful, but not the great thing, never felt attracted to them. With the boys was all different. I like the big hands, big backs, protecting arms, their smell, man smell. When Kris invited me to his house after school it was like torture to me. He changed his clothes in front of me and I felt like dying. I was falling in love with him. Not only wanted him to ed me but also, wanted him to feel the way I felt. 

And then, I said it. I told him I was into guys. That I was gay. Sure my palms were sweating, my heart was like in a race so much like fast and furious movie. My big fear was he could turn his back to me, to said that I disgust him, that he like me no more, that he hated me and he wanted to end our friendship.

But no. He, as the loving and caring person he is, accepted me. He said he has no problem with me being gay, that he still like me and he will always going to protected me from futures boyfriends. I asked him if he was just like me but sadly he said no, he like girls with big and nice . him.

I was in love with a straight person.

And it was fine.

Kris liked some girls but never too serious and I was always happy about it. Even when he came to me with sad face and broken heart, i made sure to tell him that it was fake feelings, that it was pure attraction with no feelings involved. 

He believed me. He trusted me, it seemed like he once had a blindfold and I was the only one he see.

Fooling around was what I made him believe. Saying that some guy really interested me or that I had a date the last friday after school Only to make him a little jealous. I remember he pouted and begged me stay with him.

Too much memories of us, always together but I guess everything started with Yixing.

I really don't like him. He took Kris away from me. 

I wasn't blind, and Kris looked at Yixing in a different way he ever looked at me. It was love.

That day, the stupid and shy ZiTao, changed. I became the ing Tao.
 
Sleeping with random people made my heart hurt less. Then I meet him. Kim JongIn or Kai.

The only friend with benefits I ever had.

But when I turned eighteen everything fell down. 

My parents were always overseas. No one to take care of me but myself or Kris.

University needed a medical exam for all their new students. I asked Kris if he could come with me but as he was already a third university year said he has classes and an important appointment after class. 

I ing hate that doctor. He looked at me like a piece of meat after what he said. Hermaphrodite. 

It was fun at first but the doctor wasn't laughing. He kept talking about babies, protecting , condoms, maternity, it made no sense. I can have babies. Such a monster.

What Kris would say about this? Disgusting.

At that time my mind was a mess, me, being able to have babies?! No, never in life. I was thinking on having a surgery to made me a complete man and not some kind of joke ....hermaphrodite? no.

I cried and cried and cried. Why me? Is it because I'm gay? Is it because I fall in love with my best friend? Is it because I around too much thank to this love of mine?

Still, I don't know the answer.

Kris called that night and he sounded happy so I asked him for the good news because after that I was planning on telling him what kind of a monster I was. And if my day wasn't that bad, he end it with the little push I needed to rot in hell and depression. He asked Yixing to be his boyfriend and Yixing said yes. They were officially dating.

From that day onward, our relationship changed.

He still came to me asking for advice for his relationship or only talking about how much he loved Yixing not even noticing how much it hurts me. I was the one that never came to him. It was Kai. 

I wanted Kris far away from my deformed being. And with him not close enough, I kept sleeping with one, two, three guys at night. What a ing I was.

Once in a while he commented on my life style. He said it was not good, that he was mad with some people calling me a because he knew I wasn't. That he loved me so much and it pains him the rumors about his "little brother". And with that Yixing only gave me the dirtiest glance ever. 

Kai once told me that he heard Yixing asking Kris to stop his friendship with me. That I was a bad influence, what a . 

So I decided to be the one ending our long friendship.

Always had safe , using was one of my rules. I trusted Kai but when he made KyungSoo his boyfriend, our encounters went time to time less.

I went back to the doctor to told me more about this hermaphrodite problem of mine but he said it was only half hermaphrodite that outside I was a man, with all its organ and from the inside I was a woman, I have a but not , and an uterus that bleeds every month, even if it like for one or two hours per period, that inside my there is like a canal and lead to the uterus, so if someone came inside me in the right time I could create a baby.

Never in my life. 

Three months ago, Kris and I meet again after two years of no talking to each other. He invited me to his wedding, with Yixing of course. I was the only one left who they invited and it was because of Kris, Yixing sure didn't wanted me there on that day. 

Like hell I was going to go. But one thing lend to another and me and Kris ended in my apartment. Drunk as and I was planning on seduce him but he only kept calling Yixing's name. Lucky bastard. 

Kris was truly in love with that man. 

He passed out on my couch, drunk. And I took the opportunity. I took a little part of him to take it with me, back to China. Wishing him to be the happiest man in earth.

QingDao was a lovely city, and as I walked in the beach my phone rang and it was a text message from Kai.

'How are you doing? I know you wanted me not talking about it but I miss you, you are more than a friend and I say it in a good way. I know you didn't have with Kris so why you left? I miss you. Hope you are alright, call me or text me. Kyung and I love you.'

I sighed reading the text message. But it was the right thing to do. Kris and Yixing belong together, my love has no place.  

Maybe I did wrong, I don't know. My head is such a ing mess but I'm sure about three things; One: Kris doesn't love me as I do. Two: Yixing and Kris did fall in love, and now they're a three month married couple and Three: Kris hate me, after saying to him that I wasn't going to his wedding because I don't like Yixing that in fact I hate him and they made me felt sick and displeased that I don't like them together. Yeah, he gave me that hurt look, but after that he gave me the hater look. And finally he passed out and I left Korea.

"Well baby is you and me, and I promise I will love and protect you from all...even if your dad doesn't know about you, it doesn't matter, you have. Only me." I said rubbing my three month belly.

A/N Why?!!