Forever

            I popped the cork off a bottle of wine and poured two glasses.  Ryeowook was already at Kiss the Radio.  Heechul and Kangin had gone back upstairs at Leeteuk’s request, claiming that he promised me a glass of wine before he left.  Hyukjae went over to Donghae’s apartment.  They had new music they were working on and it was easier to get it done where there were the fewest distractions, although I noticed that he often went to pick up Choco from his parents’ house first.  That little barking furball is less distracting than I am?  Right.

            I handed Leeteuk a glass and we both sat down at the dining room table, which was still lit up by candlelight from earlier, but we both found it relaxing to sit in the dark and drink. 

            “Is this something that I should worry about?  It looks like you’re trying to soften the blow by feeding me drinks,” Leeteuk suggested.

            I smiled and shook my head.  “It’s more of a celebratory drink, if anything.  I’m going to ask Ryeowook to marry me.”

            Leeteuk’s mouth opened, ever so slightly.  That was the only clue that I had that he was surprised by my news.  “Are you asking my permission?”

            “No,” I admitted, taking a drink of my wine to calm my nerves.  “I just felt that you ought to be the first to know, so I waited until you returned.”

            Leeteuk smiled and he reached over to grasp my arm, squeezing it.  “Congratulations.”

            “He hasn’t said yes yet,” I reminded him.

            “But he will,” he assured me, smiling as he sipped his wine.  “He loves you.”

            I nodded and my lips.  “You don’t…disapprove though, do you?”

            “No,” he said, laughing.  “Why?  Were you thinking of going public?”

            “No!  My family wouldn’t be thrilled with that and neither would his.  They’ve both accepted our relationship and that’s the most we’re ever going to ask of them,” I informed him.  “Perhaps if we weren’t such public figures, but that’s not an option for us.  We’ll always be recognized.”

            Leeteuk released my arm and began playing with his wine glass, running his fingers up and down the stem of the glass.  “I always figured one day you would marry and I’m happy for you.  So many of us struggle in that area of our lives, it’s nice to know that it’s not impossible for people like us to find love and manage to make it work.  I’m proud of both of you.”

            “Thank you.  That means a lot coming from you, hyung,” I told him.

            Leeteuk sighed and then took a couple drinks of his wine.  “To think we almost lost you.”

            “What?” I asked, suddenly shaken out of more agreeable thoughts of spending the rest of my life with my petite lover. 

            “I was just thinking back to the beginning…back when you first joined the group and you and Ryeowook first started dating, but my mind has been overly focused on misfortune of late, I confess.  My mind dredged up those awful memories of us in the accident,” he said, sipping his wine again.  “I remember waking up, blood dripping down my face and blinding me.  My back was drenched with blood and there were shards of glass embedded in my skin.  I was in pain and could think of little else, but then Hyuk ran over and told me that you were injured as well.  I don’t know how, but I knew that you were in even more danger than me.  I could tell from the tone of his voice that there was something terribly wrong, even if he didn’t tell me what it was.”

            “Don’t think of memories like that,” I said.  “It’s over and done with.  We’re both alive and well now.  That’s all that matters.”

            “Everything would have been different if you’d died that day,” Leeteuk only said, downing the last of his wine.

            “Enough of that,” I urged, pouring him some more wine.  “You’re supposed to be complimenting me on my wonderful taste in men.”

            Leeteuk laughed.  “He’s good looking and an excellent cook.”

            “He’s y as hell,” I told him.

            Leeteuk rolled his eyes.  “You promised me you’d never divulge the finer details of your relationship and I’m going to hold you to it.”

            “He’s got the voice of an angel.”

            “That he does,” Leeteuk agreed.

            “He’s witty and funny,” I continued.

            Leeteuk nodded.

            “And he’s amazing in bed.”

            “I’m serious,” he warned me.  “If you give me any details, I’m going to leave.”

            “That was a very broad statement,” I argued.

            “Are we going to do this all night?  I’m starting to get tired,” he informed me.

            “You can’t leave yet.  I need help figuring out how I’m going to propose,” I told him.

            Leeteuk looked at our half empty bottle of wine.  “I hope you have more of that.”

            “A whole pantry full,” I informed him.

            “Here’s hoping it doesn’t come to that.”

            “Amen,” I agreed.

            Hyukjae woke screaming and sat up in bed, alarmed.  Almost immediately he heard footsteps and the door to the bedroom flew open.  Donghae rushed over to the bed and flipped on the lamp before he sat down on the bed facing Hyukjae. 

            “What’s the matter?” Donghae asked, gently rubbing his arm to calm him. 

            Hyukjae was breathing heavily and took a couple more deep breaths before answering him.  “I dreamt of the accident again.”

            Donghae covered his mouth with his hand.  “Is there anything I can do?”

            Hyukjae shook his head. 

            “Thank god you left Choco at your parents this time.  The last time you woke screaming, she pissed the bed,” he said, sighing.  “How frequently do you dream of this now?”

            “It used to be a lot right afterwards, but now only a few times a year,” he said, wiping the sweat from his forehead. 

            “The crash must have been very frightening,” Donghae said. 

            “I remember every detail,” he claimed, grasping the bedcovers as he spoke.  “The crash into the guardrail, the spinning, the screeching of the tires and the smell of burnt rubber, the van flipping onto its side and the windows breaking, the screams, the items inside falling.  I was buckled in and never lost consciousness.  I remember being dazed from the crash though and someone telling me to unbuckle and then pulling me out of the van.  I was brought over to the side of the road and told to sit down.  Shindong was next to me and wasn’t much worse, only shaken up.  Then I saw them carry off Leeteuk and Kyuhyun.  I found Leeteuk right away and he was bloody, but still in one piece.  But then I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach,” Hyukjae said, touching his abdomen, which was bare.  He never wore shirts if he didn’t have to.  Donghae did not interrupt him, watching him carefully and waiting for him to continue.  “I had this ominous feeling about Kyuhyun.  I felt panicked suddenly and I went in search of him, even though I was told to sit back down.  When I found him, he was in rough shape and I knew that it wasn’t good.  I have never been more afraid in my entire life.  It wasn’t the crash that frightened me, because it happened so quickly.  Then it was done.  It was watching Kyuhyun’s life slip away from him while I was sitting beside him and unable to do a damn thing about it.”

            Hyukjae’s eyes teared up.  So did Donghae’s, but he didn’t know what to say to help.  Hyukjae knew that the accident had long since passed and everyone had recovered.  His feeling of helplessness that day could not be healed, however. 

            “I think they’ll eventually fade away altogether, once enough time has gone by,” Hyukjae finally said.  “It feels better to tell someone about it.  Thank you.”

            “It always makes me feel better to write a song about what bothers me, but I don’t know if that helps you any.  It would be a strange thing to rap about,” Donghae pointed out.

            Hyukjae gave him a funny look.  “It’s bad enough that you drag our love life into your songs,” he pointed out.

            “Sorry, babe,” he said, leaning forward to kiss Hyukjae.  “What can I say?  You tend to inspire me.”

            “I guess I should be thankful you don’t record or sell the ones you write when you’re ticked off at me,” he said, stretching his arms and yawning.

            “Thankfully, I’ve written more love songs, but if I hit a dry spell, I might have to dig into them,” he teased, winking.  “Do you want me to stay with you until you fall back asleep?”

            “No, keep working on your song,” Hyukjae said.  “Just keep the light on.”

            “All right,” Donghae said, kissing him once again before leaving the bedroom.

            Hyukjae fell back against the mattress and stared up at the ceiling.  Not everything about the accident was terrible.  Once he was released from the hospital and returned to the dorms, Donghae refused to leave his side.  After a few days, he admitted that he was in love with Hyukjae and the accident made him realize that he didn’t want to lose his chance to tell him.  Of course, Donghae assumed his love was unrequited.  He thought Hyukjae was straight.  As it turned out, Hyukjae was equally smitten with Donghae, but had never told him for the same reason.  This changed everything.  They’d been lovers ever since. 

            How one event could lead to both the worst and best moments of a person’s life still baffled Hyukjae.  He had such mixed feelings over the whole event.  Yes, the past was in the past, but it had changed his whole life…forever.

            When Ryeowook came back from his photo shoot, he stopped short in the kitchen, clearly shocked to see me cooking.  He might have been debating whether or not to call for takeout as well, but he didn’t voice it. 

            “What’s gotten into you?” he said, walking over to where I stood, making kimchi fried rice.  This is one of the only dishes I know how to cook and it’s courtesy of Sungmin, actually, who eventually got tired of me asking him to make it.  It’s one of the rare dishes that I think he makes better than Ryeowook.  It is also one of my boyfriend’s favorite foods, coincidently. 

            “I thought you deserved a break and decided to make dinner since I got home first.”

            “It smells delicious,” he said, reaching up to kiss me. 

            I tilted my head down and pecked his lips.  “Get changed.  It’s almost ready.”

            Ryeowook quickly left the room and scrubbed all the horrid makeup off his face that they’d plastered on him.  He had a perfect complexion, even without a bit of makeup, because he was diligent about caring for his skin these days.  He changed and met me back in the kitchen just as I was putting the rice onto plates. 

            “Should we have wine?” I asked.

            “Sure,” he said, “I don’t work tonight.”

            I don’t let him drink of he’s going to drive shortly afterwards.  I’m afraid he’ll get into an accident.  I also make him buckle his seatbelt, but I’m not certain if he always does it when I’m not with him, which bothers me.

            Ryeowook grabbed a few more things I hadn’t set on the table yet as I got the wine and we sat down to eat and talked about our day.  Conversation helped to calm my nerves, but it was still in the back of my mind, what was coming later.  Once we finished eating, we just sat there talking for a long while.  Most nights, he had to rush off to the radio station, but it was the weekend and we had all night.  Everyone else was gone.  I made sure of that.  Sungmin was at his girlfriend’s place.  Hyukjae was at Donghae’s apartment.  Everyone else knew not to interrupt us. 

            “Should we start dishes?” Ryeowook finally asked.

            “I’ll do dishes myself,” I offered, “but I bought us cake as well.”

            “I don’t know if I can eat anymore.  I’m full!” he said, rubbing his stomach.

            “Can I get you to cut it though?  You know I can’t cut in straight lines to save my life,” I said, standing up and grabbing the cake box.

            “Sure,” he said, walking over to the drawer to grab a knife. 

            Ryeowook looked over the box and found where the releases were to open it and then lifted the lid.  His eyes scanned the cake, reading the dark purple writing across the top of the buttercream frosting that said, Will you marry me?

            His eyes went wide and his lips parted.  He looked over at me, clearly confused.  I took a deep breath, grabbed the small velvet box from my pocket, and then got down on my knee.  I held up the box and opened it in front of him. 

            “Please,” I simply said.  “Marry me.”

            Ryeowook’s shaky hand set the knife down on the table and then he covered his mouth with his hand.  Clearly, I’d taken him by surprise, but I wanted to hear him say yes immediately.  I could not wait for an answer.  Within a couple seconds, Ryeowook’s eyes began to fill with tears and he began to nod.

            “Yes,” he finally managed to say.  “Yes, yes, yes.”

            I jumped up and wrapped him in my arms and then began to kiss him all over.  “I was worried for a second,” I confessed, when I finally pulled back and grabbed ahold of his hand to slip the ring on his finger.  “You took a long time to answer.”

            “I was speechless,” he said, looking down at his ring, which fit perfectly.  “But I’ve loved you forever.  Why would I say no?”

            “Because it’s technically illegal or because your family might object or because you’re afraid that the press might find out,” I began to list off.

            Ryeowook waved his hand at my concerns.  “I don’t care about any of that.  I’ll marry you anyway.”

            I couldn’t stand not to kiss him, so I started to again.  Then I picked him up off his feet and carried him to our room, tossing him onto the bed and climbing onto it after him.  He opened his arms wide and I crawled over to him and laid down on top of him as he wrapped his arms around my neck. 

            “I love you,” I told him, peering down into his shining eyes.  “I always have and I always will.”  Ryeowook didn’t respond with words, but pulled me down to him, kissed me, and never let go.

***finis***