“Ma-chan?” The girl in front of me called my name as I sat on the dirt floor.

My eyes were blurry with tears as I wiped the sand off my scrapped knees. The blood that slowly ran down the side of my stinging lower lip mixed with the salty tears and made me look even filthier than I already did. I didn’t look up to her. I couldn’t bring myself to. All I did was let my head hang in shame. I couldn’t protect her…my best friend. Honestly, I knew that I wanted to be more than friends. We were young at the time, only about 12 or 13, but I still wanted to feel strong enough to be her guardian. The boys who took the same root back home as us were always bugging her so I tried to…man up. It failed miserably and I ended up with a busted lip, bloody knees and a sore stomach from being kicked so many times. Somehow in the midst of all those uncomfortable feelings spurring through my muscles the compressed sensation in my heart was the one that hurt the most. After all, I was only a scrawny kid; going against a group of street boys wasn’t the best way to show my more manly side but what did I know? I just wanted to impress the girl I liked…rather still like. That was the first time I did something disastrous while full of good intentions, but it surely wasn’t the last.

---

                After that our relationship slowly faded into a stale one, each year growing farther apart. We ended up changing our status from best friends to colleagues or acquaintances; the truth was we didn’t even know what happened.

“Now everyone decide on what your class will be doing for the school festival.” Our homeroom teacher said as she sat down and waited for the excited students to discuss the subject.

I sat quietly watching everyone giddily suggest the most random things.

“How about a flower shop?” One girl said and a few others hesitantly nodded.

“Would it be interesting enough?” Another student asked her and she smiled in return.

“We could label them with their meanings. It’s called floriography.” The girl explained eagerly and everyone agreed while commenting on it.

“Do you all have a theme yet?” The teacher called out again and one of my classmates answers.

“Yes, teacher, we’ve chosen to do a display on floriography.”

“Oh very interesting and who’ll be in charge of the display?” The woman at the front of the class asks and everyone looks around.

“Let’s put Mayumi in charge.” One boy suggests and the rest of the class approves of the choice.

I look over to the girl who I used to know so much about; now she’s just a name that sends shivers down my spine and every time it’s called I feel a little more distant from her reality. She’s sitting with a serene expression as the teacher nods.

“Alright Mayumi, you’re in charge of keeping track of the project.”

Mayumi nods and listens as the teacher adds.

“Okay, we also need someone to be the financial coordinator for the project.”

For a minute everyone was silent as they looked around between each other for the best fit.

“Yabe-kun!” Another boy called out and I looked to the face that nominated me and see it’s my friend, Asato.

“Yeah, of course, Yabe-kun’s an all-around nerd, he’ll handle it.” The upfront boy jokes and the whole class laughs as he looks at me and I shoot him an annoyed glare.

“Would you be up for it, Yabe?” The teacher asked and I politely nodded against my will.

“Well then, that’s that. Everyone get working on what you’ll need for the display, due date is on the 5th. Oh and Mayumi and Masaki…”She wraps up then looks at Mayumi and me.

“You two will be working together a lot so make sure to help out as much as possible. I’m counting on you guys.” I nod lightly then look over to the girl sitting on the other side of the class as she smiles to the teacher.

---

“Masaki?” Mayumi calls my name as I mounted my bicycle and I look back to her.

She walks up to me with her two friends besides her. I held my breath as I awaited her.

“Yeah?” I asked a bit stalely.

“Uh, I had the class set up a list of materials they’ll be needing…” She shows me the piece of paper she held in her right hand. “and we need to go shopping for them tomorrow after school.”

“Mmhmm, sure thing.” I hum while looking straight at her face.

“Alright then, that’s it. See you tomorrow.” She finishes and I reply before she heads off with the girls continuing their conversation.

                The next day after the last bell rang we got our things together and headed to a nearby supplies store. I naturally followed her and it reminded me our when we were younger; thinking back the most vivid memory I have of Mayumi is her small back half covered by her long hair. I always followed her; she was always shielding me so now it seems slightly clearer why I would put myself out there to prove her that I too could protect her.

“See how much two meters of light-wood plank would cost.” She ordered me and I calculated how much it would come out as. As I added up the number I looked to the side. Mayumi held a light blue clipboard and wiggled her black pen as she considered which of the paint buckets to buy. When did I start liking her? I don’t even remember. All I know is that I haven’t stopped, even if we barely talk anymore. After buying the things we hauled everything back to the school where the rest of the class was to put it all together. After handing out all the things we bought I waited for Mayumi to take note of the progress as I checked back on my calculations for the prices.

“Alright, we can go.” She said as we started walking towards the teacher’s lounge.

                We were both unnaturally silent as we stepped down the quiet afterschool halls. I tried to take my mind off of all the past we had by trying to time my breathing. When we entered the teacher’s lounge we easily spotted our homeroom teacher.

“Mrs. Morioka, this is the progress report and this is a first draft of how much it’ll cost.”

“Oh, thanks. Good job you two. You sure make a good pair.” The teacher obliviously joked as she took the papers and smiled. Both Mayumi and I were expressionless as we waited to be dismissed. I followed the girl out of the room and a sudden throbbing in my heart made my words spill from my mouth.

“Why don’t we talk anymore?”

She turned around and looked at my face with a confused and slightly offended expression.

“What are you talking about?”

“We—we used to be best friends remember?” I stutter already regretting having said anything at all.

“Yeah, then you stopped talking to me…remember that?” She nearly hisses at me. I could see the indignant look she had on and felt bad for having brought up the subject.

“I—I’m sorry…I didn’t remember.” I reply and she shakes her head as she sighs.

“I…am I really that unimportant…that you completely forgot why we even stopped talking in the first place.” She asks this with a low voice almost as if holding back tears.

“It’s not like that…” I try to explain but lose track of what it was I was going to say and just stare at her face.

“Whatever…forget about it” As she walked away I was stuck in place by my own embarrassment.

                It was true after all; I really was the one who stopped talking to her. But it wasn’t because she was unimportant…it was because she was so important that I couldn’t face her after being so humiliated. And I’m still feeling like that. With everything she succeeds in, with every time she doesn’t notice me, with every word she refrains from saying to me, I feel humiliated. It feels like the each time I try to stand up and be a man for her I get pushed back down to that dirt floor. It feels like that day I fell to that sandy ground and I never really got up.

---

                Finally it was the day of the school festival and everyone was excited to show how good our flower shop turned out. Mayumi was everywhere as she directed the display and welcomed each person that walked into our classroom. I was one of the presenters and had to repeat the meaning of each flower to everyone who asked. It was a bit tiresome but worth it since everyone who walked in and out seemed marveled by the beauty of it all. When the festival finished and everyone started leaving it was the Mayumi’s job to stay till the last student from our class left to make sure everything was back in place. I didn’t really have anything else to do after helping organize the class but I didn’t feel like leaving the comfortable environment the school had that day.

“Mind if I help?” I asked Mayumi as she placed all the vases of flowers in a row to place on one of the shelves of our classroom. Looking back to me she only shook her head. I took the red vase in front of me I recited the meaning of the Daisies in it.

“I truly love you.” I said as I put it on the shelf. Mayumi was motionless as she heard these words so I knew she understood what I was doing. Because the words I formulated on my own never expressed the way I really felt I was using floriography to confess to her. I watched her shining eyes as they glowed in the pale yellow light flowing into our classroom. She slowly reached out and held the green vase in front of her; Wild Roses.

“Pleasure and pain.” She barely whispered and gazed into my eyes.

“Pain?” I repeated.

“I never stopped talking to you Ma-chan…” She used my childhood nickname and I recalled the whole thing perfectly.

She was always right there. I was the one who ran away. I ran away from her touch, her words and then I forgot that it wasn’t destiny that separated us…it was my own pride. I reached out for the other green vase filled with red carnations and looked at her.

“My heart aches for you.”

“Be gentle with me.” She said as she held the brown vase containing the bright blue cornflowers. The apprehension in her pupils was clear and I inhaled at her beauty. Taking the vase from her hands I placed it on the shelf and then looked back down to her.

“I will be.” I whispered as I enveloped her in a warm hug. She hugged me back as if she’d been looking for me for a long time. She pressed against me a little tighter and I felt like kneeling down in front of her and begging for her to forgive me. Suddenly she pulled back and looked deeply into my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I said in the lowest voice I’d ever used.

“It’s okay.” She shakes her head lightly and I the top of her head, stopping at her ears. I held her softly and tenderly placed my lips onto hers. At first we were both still but as the warmth from them started to spread, we lightly moved. It was an affectionate kiss that seemed so angelic and calming that we barely noticed that it was a kiss. When she opened her eyes I did too and we pulled back as we looked into each other’s gaze.

“I really do love you, Mayumi.” I affirmed her again with a serious tone of responsibility in each word.

“I’ve always known, Ma-chan. I’ve always loved you too.” She smiled sweetly and I held her in a snug embrace again.

In the end I never really needed to say much. I would always think that my lack of ability to express my feelings was a bad thing. I used to think that the situation I found myself in set me up for failure. Only now do I understand that actually I didn’t need to say much. Being best friends with Mayumi wasn’t supposed to make things more difficult; it was supposed to make it even simpler for me. My loved one has always been my shield. I thought that I was one for failure but truthfully I’ve always been prized with Mayumi’s presence. A wide smile spread through my lips.

“I missed you so much.”