A/N:

Yikes, I think this got a little bit too long and this was originally supposed to be a cute and fluffy one-shot about childish jealousy but idk what happened, it turned out to be melodramatic and full of angst huhu sorryyy TT__TT

I hope y'all still finish it though and tell me what you think. Your comments would be a real encouragement! Thank you! ^^

--- Angeli XX

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I don’t usually mind when millions of fan girls fawn over my boyfriend, Jackson, or when he is surrounded by gorgeous and beautiful female idols and actresses everyday. I knew he couldn’t do anything about it; it is part of him being an idol star after all. I once was a fan girl too so I have no right to complain. Plus, I knew how it felt to be attracted to such a guy.

But right now, I just wasn’t in the mood. It was a bad day; coming home from eight hours of work with a boss who couldn’t seem to stop yelling at his employees every minute, waiting in line for hours for the train and nearly missing it while almost being ran over by the mob of people, and just getting off the phone with a mother who scolded her daughter like there was no tomorrow just because she wasn’t able to go to the groceries for her.

Yeah, it was a pretty crappy day and coming home and opening the laptop to find articles of none other than the Jackson Wang about his awesome fanservice during their Thailand fanmeet and JackJi shippers going crazy everywhere about their recent Weekly Idol episode did nothing to help my self-esteem. He swore they were just friends though and most of their interactions were just for show in order to gain TV ratings. And yes, of course I do believe him but these days, everything has just taken a toll in me and I was exhausted.

A year ago, I never would have believed I could ever meet a famous celebrity yet alone date one. Sure, I loved to daydream about meeting my bias and falling in love but I never took it seriously. I have laughed at myself, embarrassed, whenever I caught myself thinking about it but here I am now, actually going out with one. And not just any celebrity; It was the almighty Jackson Wang whom girls were crazy for. Yes, I couldn’t believe it either. How could I have been so lucky?

In the beginning of the relationship, it was everything I could have ever asked and dreamed of. We spent many of our days together, talking just about anything under the sun, trying to get to know more about each other. We tried everything I always wanted to do when I get a boyfriend, from holding hands in public while laughing happily with ice cream in our hands to shopping for couple t-shirts and couple shoes, not a care for the world and the surrounding people giving us strange looks. We were happy, the days full of bliss, and I couldn’t have asked anything more.

Everything was going perfectly well for both of us and the group and after just a month, GOT7’s popularity skyrocketed. They started performing in bigger stages, getting lots of showcases and fanmeets, and going out to other countries like Japan, Thailand, and China. And through all these, I was ecstatic. We both were; him because he was finally able to achieve this life-long dream he has been working hard for years, and me because I knew how important this was to him, plus it was such a beautiful sight to see him so happy with what he’s doing. I was proud and I have always caught myself thinking how lucky I am to have found someone as dedicated and amazing as him.

Over the weeks though, the boys got even busier. Promotions were everywhere and nonstop. They never seemed to get any break especially Jackson who got more offers for TV shows like Hitmaker, and most recently, Roommate. He barely got enough time to rest, yet alone spend time with me. Despite these though, Jackson still made sure to allocate his time for me. At the end of each day, at each tiring schedule, he calls me late at night to talk to me even when it was time for him to sleep and rest.

I felt sorry and I ached at seeing him so tired and exhausted yet still being able to put a big, bright smile in front of the camera. He was still able to act like his normal, cheerful self despite of the camera lights blinding him everywhere he went. And it hurt. It hurt not being able to do anything about it. As a girlfriend, it was supposed to be my job to be able to offer him peace and comfort in this hard and stressful time in his life, but instead it seems like I was only giving him an even heavier burden.

He was supposed to use every break he can get to rest and spend time for himself but instead, he gives it all to me. I see his worn-out face trying to give me his cheerful smile whenever we see each other and I hear his weary and scratchy voice whenever we speak over the phone. I felt bad and the worst part? I was jealous. Yeah, it’s absolutely horrible for me to feel this way but I couldn’t help the stuffy feeling I get in my chest whenever I get on the internet and see Jackson surrounded by girls who are clearly more beautiful and talented than I could ever be.

I was jealous and was annoyed at every small thing; at the fact that those girls get to spend more time with him than I could these past months and the fact that my boyfriend was so successful and has achieved so much while I was just here, stuck in a stupid and embarrassing job, still with no definite goal for her boring, dull life. As a result, I wasn’t able to be really there for him at those few times he gets to squeeze out of his busy schedule in order to talk to me. I don’t know whether Jackson has noticed my mood swings these days but he always managed to cheer me up and make me feel better. I felt awful and I completely hated myself for it.

I closed the laptop with a sigh, and looked at the clock. It was already 10:30 PM but I was restless and bored out of my mind. I went to my bed, closed my eyes, trying to sleep but no matter how many twists and turns I do, I can’t seem to rid myself of the annoying thoughts of Jackson hugging other girls, and laughing at every single thing they say. Even worse was that I was pissed off and angry that I’m not the one capable of being there and making him smile like that. I wanted to make him happy, cheer him up and be the reason for his laughter but I couldn’t even do that right now.

I opened my eyes and checked my phone but it was empty with no messages and missed calls. I miss him, I thought sadly.

It’s been a couple days since we last talked because he was busy with their numerous fanmeetings in Japan, Hong Kong, and Thailand. He was also able to see his family and that made me glad because he couldn’t be any more deserving but at the same time, there was a heavy feeling in my chest that he wasn’t even able to talk to me about it and how it went. These past weeks, I felt that I don’t even know what’s going on in his life anymore besides the updates I get in the internet.

I badly wanted to call or text him but I have no idea how to do that without seeming like a desperate and clingy girlfriend. He’s probably busy with practice, I mused.

Suddenly, as if just reading my thoughts, my phone rang loudly, breaking my depressing thoughts and the silence of the night. I looked at the caller ID and immediately shot up the bed. It was Jackson. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to jump for joy but at the same time, I wanted to ignore it and pretend I was asleep. But I knew avoiding him will never solve the problem.

Reluctantly, I accepted the call and said quietly, “Hello?”

“Hey Y/N”, his warm voice said through the phone. It felt so good to hear his voice for what seemed like a long time. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

“N-no, n-not at all”, I stuttered like an idiot.  “How are you?”

“Not fine. I’m missing my girlfriend,” he replied cutely, with a pout I’m assuming and I couldn’t help but smile at that. He always managed to cheer me up just by picturing his bright self.

I sighed and said, “I miss you too.” So much.

 I didn’t say anything for a while after that and neither did he. Maybe he sensed something was wrong though cause he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Am I supposed to say I’m not fine cause I’m missing my boyfriend too?” I said jokingly.

“You’re too cruel, babe,” he answered with a laugh. “Anyway, you better have something to eat cause I’m hungry.”

“What?” I said, confused.

“You might want to look out your window. I’m right outside,” he answered.

“WHAT?” I nearly fell off my bed when he said that.

“Ouch, you’re going to make me deaf,” he said jokingly. “Are you gonna let me in or not?”

I peeked out my window and indeed, there he was standing dressed in his usual black pants with a hoodie and a cap on. He looked up and waved, giving me that beautiful smile of his which I can still see so clearly in the dark.

I swiftly grabbed my sweater, put it on, and checked myself in the mirror before going out. Aigoo, why did he have to catch me in this time, I thought with a panic. I looked like a mess. My hair was in tangles, looking like a bird nest, as a result of me rolling around in the bed.

I tried combing my hair with my fingers as I hurriedly ran down the stairs, and opened the door revealing the guy who caused so much of my depressing thoughts these days but at the same, the one who I missed so much. He immediately turned to me and smiled as I thought, God, why did he have to look so handsome with just a hoodie on. I looked like crap next to him.

Before I could say anything, he said teasingly, “I almost forgot how cute my girlfriend can be.”

I was confused for a minute and then suddenly remembered I was only wearing my pajamas (and what do you know, it was the hello kitty one) and a ratty old sweater. My cheeks burned red and just before I could even process and feel my embarrassment, he suddenly pulled me in a tight hug, his fingers caressing my head lightly, his face on my shoulders as he whispered with his lips near my ears, “I missed you.. so much.”

And right then and there, I melted, knees turning weak. I always forget just how much of a big effect he has on me. I wrapped my hands around his back as we stood there for a while in the cold, dark streets, just hugging and taking in the comfort and warmth in each other’s arms. I sighed internally and thought how much I wished time could just stop and let us stay like this forever.

The second that thought entered my mind, he gently let go of me and immediately, I felt empty and cold. He held me in arm’s length however, and with our foreheads touching, he said with a grin, “So, do you have food?”

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at this cute and child-like Jackson that I am just now able to realize just how lucky I am to be able to witness it first-hand. I laughed at the simplicity of it all, the fact that we didn’t see each other in weeks but he was able to just so casually throw out in a serious situation that he was hungry. And I loved it. This was something that made me realize that no matter how physically far apart we are, we were still each other’s home where we can be comfortable and just be ourselves without any fear of being judged or disliked.

I let out a grin and quickly pulled him inside the house, shutting the door behind us. I led him into the living room, the TV and said, “Wait here. I’ll go find something for you.”

I went into the kitchen and found the leftover pasta I had for dinner in the refrigerator. I quickly heated it up, put it in a bowl, and grabbed a fork as I hurried back to the living room.

“Here—“, I started but stopped at the sight of Jackson leaning his head on the couch with eyes closed, and suddenly the heavy feeling I had awhile ago came rushing back as the reality of the situation hit me back on the face.

Feeling my presence, Jackson suddenly opened his eyes and looked at me as we locked gazes for a moment. He let out a tired smile and said, “Babo, what are you doing standing there? Come here.”

I slowly went and sat down beside him and handed over the bowl of food while saying with a weak smile, “Sorry, this is all I could scavenge in my kitchen.”

“Thanks,” he replied sincerely and started to eat. We sat in silence for awhile with only the TV blaring, Jackson eating quietly with eyes glued at the TV screen, and me studying his face. It has been a long time since I actually looked at his face and I used the opportunity to study him carefully. I felt a pang in my chest as I noticed the dark bags under his weary and tired eyes and I knew that he was exhausted. But he still came to me this late at night. Why? Why are you so hard on yourself, Jackson-ah?

He must’ve noticed my staring because he suddenly said playfully, without looking away from the TV, “Missed my handsome face that much?”

Without thinking, I blurted out the first thing in my mind, “Oh you know, just trying to memorize your face in case I ever forget it again.”

I meant for it to sound in a joking way, but somehow it came out harsh and cold. Immediately, I bit my lip, horrified at what I just said. I instantly regretted my words as I saw Jackson stop eating and put the bowl on the glass table. He sat quietly with his gaze on his hands and eyebrows furrowed in deep thought. He probably knew something was wrong ever since he called.

The tension was palpable, the silence was suffocating, and trying to salvage the situation, I said, “Jackson, I… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that..”

I sighed loudly, feeling my eyes began to water. “I mean, why are you even here? We haven’t seen or talked to each other for weeks and suddenly, you come barging into my house like everything is normal.. I mean what are we Jackson? Is there even an us anymore? Where exactly is this going?”

“I can’t see my girlfriend just because I want to?! I can’t talk to you and hug you because of the sole reason that I missed you?!” Jackson finally exploded and looked into my eyes.

“Jackson, that’s not the point!” I burst out. “You think I didn’t miss you?! You think I didn’t miss you so much to the point that I feel like I’m losing my mind?! I missed you every single moment we were apart but we can’t even see each other because you’re so busy! And I completely understand that because I know how much this is important to you, I know that this is the price for dating someone like you and I don’t mind. I don’t mind because just by seeing you happy makes me feel happy too.”

My voice broke and I was probably not making any sense but I continued, “It fills me with tremendous joy whenever I see you perform and do something that you love and I could’ve happily continued not being able to see you that much, but I keep getting these awful feelings lately. I get jealous at every little thing especially whenever I see you around with countless of girls. Because of that, I can’t even talk to you properly anymore and I detest myself for it because I know that I have no right to. I have no right to feel angry and jealous when you try so hard to give to me every single free time you get! Jackson, don’t you see?! I’m bad for you!”

I paused, breathing heavily and tears starting to form, threatening to spill over. I could even barely process the sight of Jackson staring at me wide-eyed with shock. He started to say something but I interrupted him, not finished yet with what I wanted to say, “The main point is that besides your already hectic schedule, I see you try so hard for me that you exhaust and tire yourself too much. You could be resting right now, but you’re here with me. You’re here with me and yet why do I still get a bit jealous? I’m not worth it, Jackson, not a single bit.

“I see you all weary and the worst part is that I can’t even do anything about it! I can’t even offer you one small piece of comfort. I can’t do anything right and it hurts. I want to make you happy and feel better but I can’t. I’m only just adding to your burden!” I finished shakily, not noticing the tears that were already falling endlessly one after another.

For a while, neither of us said anything but our gazes were locked, mine filled with so much tears that I can’t even see anything properly because it was so blurry and his filled with shock and the tiniest bit of hurt. Abruptly, I looked away, wiped my eyes and I thought that finally, it was over between us. I was horrified and embarrassed because I thought how much I must’ve hurt him with my words. My eyes immediately watered again at the thought. I have never wanted to hurt him but it seemed like my outburst only made it worse for him and suddenly, I wanted to run away.

“You should go. I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just---“ I stood up, not looking at him, cheeks red with shame. I started to walk out but I never got far away because suddenly I was grabbed by warm and strong hands. Only just registering stupidly it was Jackson, I gasped as I fell on the large sofa, my head hitting his hard chest and his arms embracing me, engulfing me in warmth and a comfort that suddenly felt so good in that moment. So good that I let out a sigh; a sigh of relief mixed with nostalgia. And man, did he smell so good. Damn.

“Stupid,” Jackson whispered, holding me tightly in his arms, his fingers my hair lightly. “I walk around, parading myself in front of the cameras and fan girls practically worshipping me, without any single idea what kind of my girlfriend is going through. Aren’t I the best boyfriend in the world.”

“Jackson, I—,” I started to say, my head looking up towards him but he pulled me in again, leaving me no choice but to bury my head in his chest.

“You should have said something,” Jackson said softly, his voice melodic to my ears. “No, I should have known. But I couldn’t even see it. I was so blind, thinking everything was going well when in reality you must’ve hurt a whole lot. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

“Jackson, no it’s not your fault,” I looked up at him again and this time, he didn’t pull me back. We stayed like that, our faces inches from each other and eyes locked firmly, neither of us daring to look away. “It was my fault for wanting more. I was selfish and I don’t deserve this.”

“No,” Jackson said, the most serious I have ever seen of him ever since we were together. “You deserve everything and so much more. I don’t just go to you because I’m obligated as a boyfriend, but because I want to. You make me feel so alive and happy just by your mere presence. Just by seeing you, my heart lifts up and my soul jumps for joy despite the stress that I’m going through. It’s like I have never been tired at all.

“And those girls? They can never compare to the true beauty lying here in front of me. You are all that I need that can cure everything in me Y/N, and screw if you want to break up because I’m too damn selfish to let you go,” he finished with so much conviction and ferocity that I couldn’t help but bit back a sob. I think the best word to describe myself at that moment was that I was speechless. No, amazed. How could someone accept me wholeheartedly, ignoring all my flaws and faults as much as this guy? I was too damn insecure but in that moment, I believed in him like my life depended on it.

We stared at each other for a few moments, me getting slowly more and more lost in his dark brown eyes. We were so close that we can each feel each of our breaths. And unexpectedly, without me not really registering what is happening, our lips were suddenly on each other as he kissed me hurriedly and passionately, his arms not letting my body go free. Without my consent, I started kissing him right back as I feel myself getting more and more intoxicated by him, my body feeling as though it was on fire despite the coldness of the winter night. I could taste the salty tang of my tears flowing as we kissed and he lightly pulled back, noticing my tears and said, “Why are you crying? Don’t be sad anymore.”

I smiled at him and shook my head, “I’m not sad. I’m happy more than you could ever know.”

We started kissing again, gently and softly this time and I couldn’t help but sigh in happiness and relief in between. Finally after what seemed like hours, we pulled back from each other as he tightly but gently held me in his arms. Somehow, we ended up beside each other compared awhile ago when I was on top of him. I suddenly feel tired and drowsy, my eyes drooping, threatening to close. But I held on, wanting to talk more with him, wanting to let this moment last, if not forever, at least a little bit longer.

Jackson, probably noticing how sleepy I was, said, “Sleep. It’s late and I know you’re tired.”

“But, are you going to stay here?” I asked sleepily. “Wouldn’t you get into trouble?”

“Nah,” he replied softly. “Tomorrow is the weekend and we get to have a long break until the next week. We have all the time to talk tomorrow and the day after, so stop worrying and sleep.” He planted a quick kiss on my forehead.

“Okay,” I sighed happily, “Good night Jackson. Thank you.”

Without even a minute, I succumbed into the darkness but not without hearing Jackson’s reply of “No. Thank you.” I thought I even heard him say “I love you”, but I couldn’t be too sure because his deep, husky voice, like music to my ears, has already lulled me off to sleep, the world fading to black.

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Another A/N:

So thank you to whoever was able to finish reading this lol. Anyway, I was thinking of writing a second part for this one, when Jackson and you wake up the next morning and spend the whole day together, just having fun. This time it would be cute and fluffy, I promise! ;)