[g / angst / death]

Somehow, their conversation drifted towards the topic of death again. 

Chanyeol said the ones losing their life are to be pitied because they will miss out on all the wonders in life. The dead cannot taste the sweetness of wine, feel the wind caress their skin, nor hear the snowflakes fall softly in the early morning on a cold winter day. To die, said Chanyeol, is to be robbed of the beauty of this world and to be forcibly separated from loved ones. However, Kyungsoo disagreed; he thought the ones left behind with life are the ones to be pitied. To die, said Kyungsoo, is to see nothing, to hear nothing, to feel nothing, and to think of nothing, just as if you were never born. To die is to be released from the shackle of humanity and to be free again, free to be ignorant and to be judgemental. 

Silenced, Chanyeol looked over at Kyungsoo and meekly, he connected their gaze. Kyungsoo's eyes were clear like always, like a mirror that ruthlessly reflects all that is good and horrible. Chanyeol was always terrified that one day, Kyungsoo would just drift away without any warning and he'd travel off to another world where sleeping and awaking are one but the same. Sometimes, Chanyeol laid awake in the middle of the night as Kyungsoo breathed quietly next to him, and wondered why life is so wretched.

"Chanyeol-shi, Kyungsoo-shi may never get better." 

The psychiatrist didn't know what else to say about his patient. Chanyeol nodded solemnly without tearing his gaze from the sedated figure on the bed. The hospital room was awfully white, too pale and too sterile. It made Chanyeol's eyes hurt and his stomach churn. 

"Chronic dysthymia cannot be treated if the patient is unwilling to speak to us." 

"Perhaps I can try?" Chanyeol whispered, "He'd talk to me. What if I try?" 

"You can try, Chanyeol-shi, but I cannot guarantee if he will be completed healed." 

"Thank you, doctor." 

It was already day 152. Their gaze matched and their breaths were even. Chanyeol all of a sudden felt like crying. Kyungsoo blinked, sensing the distress on the other side of the bench and hesitantly, he reached to touch Chanyeol's cheek. Caressing softness of skin underneath his knobbly fingers, Kyungsoo asked worriedly.

"Are you afraid I'd leave you behind?" 

"Yes." Chanyeol answered. A quivering breath escaped through his clenched teeth. With regard to the topic of death, they've had so many conversations about it already. No matter how Chanyeol had pleaded and argued about why staying alive has its merits, Kyungsoo still seemed determined to go off on his own. Chanyeol can't be sure when, but his guts told him it will be soon. To anticipate for something dreadful and indefinite, anxiety ate away at his sanity. 

"You'd be quite pitiful indeed." Kyungsoo mumbled as free falling tears dampened his knobby fingers. "I'm sorry." 

"No, I'd be sorry for you. If you are dead, then everything is over. We will be over!" Chanyeol raised his voice. A storm of sadness, anger, desperation, and despair raged on inside of him. "How could you leave everything behind? No... You'd be the pitiful one." 

Withdrawing his hand, Kyungsoo observed the small park they were in. Spring was here and the birds were chirping about. He could see the blue sky, the blooming flowers and somewhere, he was sure children were laughing. However he could only taste darkness on his tongue and feel the fume of depression clog his lungs. He felt genuinely apologetic towards Chanyeol; the man had given him everything as a friend, a lover, and a companion. But in the end, Kyungsoo still wanted to escape from everything. He still wanted to drown in that space where all is for naught and nothingness is everything. 

"Perhaps." Kyungsoo mumbled. A pause settled between the two men and as Chanyeol sniffled pitifully, Kyungsoo abruptly changed the topic of conversation.

"What do you think of strawberries, Chanyeol?" 

"... I love them." 

"Let's go buy some then." 

Chanyeol watched as Kyungsoo rose from the bench and began to walk down the path alone. Solitude, that seemed to be his way. No matter how many years Chanyeol had stuck himself by the other man's side, Kyungsoo remained solitary. His friends had asked him why he chose to stay by someone who cared very little for his presence, and every time Chanyeol'd answer the same way. 

"At least he cares. Even just a little, that's enough." 

Love is not a fair bargain; Chanyeol had always understood that, so without complaint, he continued to love Kyungsoo. 

"Chanyeol?" 

"Yes, Kyungsoo?" 

"I will say goodbye before I go."

Chanyeol looked up from the strawberries in his hands, only to be greeted by a sincere pair of wide eyes. He thought Kyungsoo looked so much like a child in that moment. Innocent like a child. 

"I'd rather you not." Chanyeol replied seriously and placed the strawberries into their shopping basket. Linking their hands together, they strolled down the aisles. 

"I'd really rather you not..." 

Day 203, Kyungsoo's limbs sprawled out on the pavement in front of their apartment building. Witness said he fell from trying to reach something beyond the balcony. After finally returning to their home from the police department, Chanyeol found a half-eaten strawberry on the coffee table. On the fridge, there was a note written in Kyungsoo's neat handwriting. 

It said: "I had a dream. You were in it, Chanyeol. It was beautiful." 

The funeral was held on the hottest day of summer. Sweat in place of tears ran down everyone's cheeks. Suits are a stuffy piece of clothing in the midst of summer but the guest worn them for Kyungsoo. Despite their personal opinions of Chanyeol’s companion, they wore the suits because Kyungsoo was a respectable man. When Chanyeol was left alone with the gravestone again, he loosened his tie and ran his finger over the engravings. 

"I pity you, Doh Kyungsoo," he said bitterly and the rimmed of his eyes burnt with tears he refused to release, "I really pity you." 

Author's note: ... so yah. I will return next time with something happier. But on a positive note, the sun is out where I am and I can feel the spring in my bones!