7. Secrets

                                                                  ''Please know my heart, I’m going crazy for you''

Seunghyun and you are driving in the car towards the mystery location. He’s pulled on a black snapback that he had In the car and you can’t help looking at him out of the corner of your eye. If you didn’t know him you’d swear he was some kind of idol or actor.

He’s playing hip hop music quite loudly with the windows down and you’re horribly aware of passer-by’s looking at you both.

‘’Do you have to play it so loudly?’’

Seunghyun looks at you in mock shock.

‘’This is Verbal Jint, of course, everyone should be grateful to me for playing it.’’

Obviously you love hip hop and rap considering your upbringing, but you like to enjoy it at a reasonable noise level. But you say nothing and let him do what he likes. It can be difficult to argue with someone as obnoxious as him.

He puts a hand on your  leg and his thumb along your bare skin. The feeling sends tingles all over  your body and you shiver.

‘’Are you cold? Generally weather here is good even in Autumn, but it looks like today’s breezy.’’

‘’I’m fine, don’t worry.’’

He glances at your legs and frowns.

‘’Do you want to stop at a store and buy some pants?’’

You look at him incredulously.

‘’Would you seriously waste money like that? I think I can survive a few more hours.’’

He smirks.

‘’What if I don’t want to let you go after a few hours?’’

You’re startled by his reply and struggle to respond. What the hell is he planning?

After a short while he turns into the parking lot of a park with a playground. Is this it?

He parks the car then jumps out to hurry round to your side so that he can open the door before you get out.

‘’What a gentleman’’ you say as you climb out ‘’You know how to treat a girl.’’

He laughs and wraps an arm around your shoulder as you both walk through the park’s entrance.

‘’What’s so good about this place?’’

‘’Well maybe you haven’t gotten a good look yet, but the scenery is really pretty and its always pretty quiet which makes it perfect for us to get to know each other.’’

Your stomach clenches with nerves and you try to distract yourself by taking in your surroundings. He is right, there are tons of bright bushy trees and grassland all around you. Plants of all colours line the footpaths and are clearly tended to everyday. There are multiple seating areas, including a couple of bandstands. Seunghyun leads you to one of them, which has a cute pink bench inside.

‘’I’m going to run to the convenience stand to grab some treats, you wait here, beautiful.’’

He pecks your cheek before hurrying away. You rub your cheek with your hand and smile to yourself as you sit down.

As you wait however, you grow more nervous. You know you shouldn’t be, all you’re going to be doing is chatting. But chatting usually opens up questions and even simple questions could end up revealing parts of your past you’re not ready to share. You wanted things to work out with Seunghyun for the long run, how could you do that if he finds out what you really are? He’d discard you in a second.

You watch kids in their uniforms run around the playground, screaming with delight as they climb on jungle gyms and swing on tyres. The sight makes you feel warm, it reminds you vaguely of when you, your Dad and your Mom would go to the playground after they picked you up from elementary school. They were both still so young but they worked hard to make sure you had the best childhood possible. You can almost envision your Mom bending down to hold her arms out to you as you ran at her. You can almost remember how she felt and smelled when she embraced you. Your memories of her grow more fuzzy with each passing year and you don’t like to discuss her too much with your Dad because the pain of her loss still resonates with him harshly.

‘’Hello? _______? Are you okay?’’

You come back into focus and find Seunghyun standing in front of you, holding multiple snacks and cans of iced tea.

‘’Oh, sorry, I was just remembering something. ‘’

He sits next to you and rests the snacks on his lap and hands you the drink.

‘’Were you remembering something good?’’

‘’Hmm, you could say that.’’

He puts his arm around you and rests his cheek on your head.

‘’It’s really nice to be here with you’’ he murmurs ‘’Usually I come here alone when I need to clear my mind.’’

‘’Do you have to do that often?’’

‘Just when I need inspiration. ‘’

You move away slightly to look at him.

‘’Im curious now, inspiration for what?’’

Seunghyun looks embarrassed for the second time since you’ve met him. You worry that you’re prying into something too personal to share.

‘’Uh, you know, for writing and stuff..’’

‘’Writing? Do you write books? Are you actually an author?’’

He laughs loudly .

‘’God no, I wouldn’t have the patience to write a book.’’

‘’Can you not tell me what it is?’’ you pout and look at him with your best puppy dog eyes.

‘’Yah stop that’’ he says and he pinches your nose ‘’It’s not a big deal but I like to rap now and again, alright?’’

You look at him wide eyed with shock. Rap? He likes to rap? Is he some sort of rapper that’s actually famous that you didn’t know about? It would explain why his apartment and car were so fancy despite the fact he only works at a bar.

‘’Seunghyun….you’re not some sort of famous rapper or something are you?’’

‘’No. I perform occasional in the underground rap scene but mostly I compose for actual recording artists.’’

He reaches for a bag of candy and starts eating it without looking at you. He looks pretty nervous opening up about this, which you can’t understand, what is there to be shy about?

‘’Oh wow, that’s pretty cool. You must make a lot of money off that.’’

He shrugs ‘’It’s alright, I haven’t done it in a while though.’’

 ‘’Why?’’

He stops chewing for a moment and leans in closer to you. His breathe smells sweet as he whispers in your ear.

‘’Because I haven’t had the right inspiration.’’

He moves away and goes back to eating. You look at him and ponder what he’s just said. Is he trying to insinuate that you could be his next inspiration? Is that why he wants to get to know you more? If he’s involved in the underground rap scene does he know your dad? Your mind is a flurry of questions you don’t want to ask.

‘’Anyways’’ he continues when he’s finished off the packet ‘’Are you going to tell me something secret about you?’’

It’s your turn to grab a packet of sweets from his lap in order to avoid answering.

‘’Not really.’’

‘’Oh come on, I told you something I never tell anyone, you have to it’s only fair.’’

You try to think of something to tell him that won’t reveal the worst of your past.

‘’Well back in school, I was kind of a bad kid.’’

He looks interested now.

‘’You?  A bad kid? But you’re so studious and proper, I struggle to believe it.’’

You nod ‘’Yeah I skipped school a lot and got into fights too. But I was and still am pretty smart, so I always made sure to study. If I got detention I’d spend all my time studying.’’

‘’If you’re so smart, why didn’t you try going to one of those more upper class universities?’’

You shrug.

‘’Because of my bad record.’’

‘’A few detentions would really affect your standing with universities that badly?’’

He sounds suspicious so you try to stir the conversation away. He can’t know what happened, he can’t know how you went about almost ruining your entire future.

‘’Yeah it’s pretty complicated.’’

Seunghyun seems to sense the tone in your voice and doesn’t question you further.

‘’Well regardless, I’m glad you ended up here and that our paths crossed.’’

His words are surprisingly soft and genuine. You turn to him and cuddle up close to plant a kiss on his cheek.

‘’What was that for?’’

‘’Do I need a reason?’’

Suddenly he looks at you with a very serious expression on his face.

‘’If this relationship, or whatever we are right now, is going to work, we need to be truthful right?’’

‘’Uh yes, I guess so.’’

You’re not sure what he’s getting at and you start getting worried.

He sighs deeply and rubs at his eyes.

‘’I need to tell you something, but I want you to hear me out to the end.’’

You nod ‘’Okay I will.’’

He takes your hand in his but again, he’s looking away, unable to meet your eyes.

‘’When we first met, you seemed pretty afraid. I could tell you weren’t comfortable around me because I’m obviously older and a guy. So I wanted to try and put you at ease.’’ He squeezes your hand nervously before continuing ‘’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I’ll completely understand if you’re mad….’’

While listening to Seunghyun talk, you notice something in the corner of your eye. Something…or someone familiar. You look out towards the playground and you see two girls standing, laughing while eating ice cream. It couldn’t possibly be them could it?

‘’I’m not actually 24 going on 25, I’m actually 28…’’

One of the girls glances over at you and her eyes widen when she recognises you. She nudges her friend and now they’re both staring at you. Its them. Two of the people who know and contributed to the horrors of your life last year.

Your chest tightens and you can’t breathe, your skin goes icy cold and you feel like you’re going to breakdown.

‘’I’m so sorry______, I really hope this won’t affect us.’’

Seunghyuns words float through your mind but you just can’t register what he’s saying as the girls look and laugh in your direction. He’s 28? What does that matter now that you’ve been discovered. No matter where you go you’ll never escape your past. You’re trapped forever.

You stand and pull your hand out of his and start walking quickly away. Tears brim in your eyes and cloud your vision as you rush towards the car park and away from the scathing stares.

‘’Jagiya, wait!’’ Seunghyun calls out to you as he follows ‘’You said you’d listen to the end!’’

You say nothing and he continues to follow until you’re in the carpark where he grabs your arm and forces you to turn to look at him.

‘’Why are you walking away from me? Can you at least answer me?’’

He looks incredibly upset but you just don’t know how to speak.

‘’Nothing ever changes does it Seunghyun?’’ you say as you struggle to contain your sobs ‘’Life never changes. Just because the scenery around us changes doesn’t mean that we do. We just stay the same horrible people our whole lives.’’

He looks at you, completely perplexed.

‘’I’m sorry. Please don’t let the age difference affect us, I swear I don’t look at you any differently as I do with women my own age.’’

You laugh without humour and drag your hands through your hair in frustration.

‘’You should ditch me Seunghyun, you don’t want someone like me in your life.’’

Your words seem to hurt him as he looks taken aback.

‘’I don’t want to let you go. You said you’d want me to stop you if you try to walk away.’’

He reaches out to hold you but you push him away. How could you drag him into your messy life? He’s so much older and should be starting a stable future, not getting involved in yours.

‘’Just forget me.’’

‘’No’’ he says furiously ‘’You can’t tell me how to feel or what to do.’’

He looks like he’s about to try and grab you again till a man in a black jacket and yellow vest approaches both of you.

‘’I’m sorry but the park is still open and there are a lot of children around, so you can’t fight here. Is there a problem miss?’’

He looks at you with concern and that’s when you notice the people walking by looking at you. They’re probably judging you for making a fool of yourself. Just like you always do.

‘’I’m sorry’’ you say and bow to him ‘’I’m going now anyways.’’

You turn and walk away as fast as you can.

‘’Jagiya!’’ Seunghyun calls out to you but the guard puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him from going after you.

Life is funny. Sometimes it tricks you into thinking you can change and that you can happy, but in the end, you’ll always go back to the beginning.

You can’t escape who you really are inside.