Hayoung always thinks a lot about skinship with Naeun- holding hands with Naeun, hugging Naeun, and the ultimate holy grail: cuddling with Naeun. She thinks about it all the time, probably a little- or a lot- too much. Sometimes, she spaces out in class thinking about how nice Naeun’s soft skin feels against hers. Or when it’s cold outside, she daydreams about the warmth radiating from Naeun’s skin and in her eyes, and how it’s probably more comforting than a cup of hot chocolate from that overpriced coffee shop Chorong likes. Or when she does manage to initiate skinship with Naeun, Hayoung thinks about how she always wants a little bit more. Though she may not necessarily seem like it, Hayoung is an ambitious person. She wants and she wants a lot of things. But probably one of the things she wants most is to cuddle with Naeun.

    But Naeun doesn’t do cuddling. It’s practically a law of nature. She’s pretty okay with holding hands and hugging and back hugging and sometimes- by some of luck and maybe the alignment of the moon and the sun and every other celestial body in the solar system- she even initiates skinship. On those days, Hayoung’s heart feels like bursting. (Whether it’s with joy or envy depends on the person Naeun blesses her skinship with.) But Naeun doesn’t cuddle; not like how Bomi and Chorong does, or how Bomi and Namjoo does, or how Bomi and literally every female with a pulse does, including their Kung Fu Panda manager (because Bomi is a skinship addict and is incredibly gay for the entirety of the female human race). In the entire time Hayoung has known Naeun, she has only ever seen the older girl cuddle once. (Naeun’s face is tucked in the crook between Chorong’s neck and shoulder. Chorong worriedly gazes down at the younger girl, one arm draped around Naeun’s shoulders and the other rubbing circles on Naeun’s back under her shirt, fingertips pressing tenderly into feverish skin. Their legs are tangled together and Hayoung knows that it’s only because Naeun is sick and Chorong is dutifully maternal, especially to Naeun. But still, Hayoung can’t help but stare at them. She can’t stop the envy bubbling up .)

    But even if Naeun doesn’t cuddle, it doesn’t stop Hayoung from hoping and dreaming. And it definitely doesn’t stop her from fantasizing. (Maybe Naeun is resting her head in Hayoung’s lap, taking a light nap or reading a book. Or maybe she’s awake, toying gently with Hayoung’s fingers. And maybe, just maybe, Naeun will press a soft kiss onto the tips of Hayoung’s fingers and it’ll burn, burn, burn with an unfamiliar warmth that Hayoung will probably never feel.) She fantasizes a lot. Probably a bit too much. (Maybe Hayoung’s face is buried in Naeun’s hair, the front of her body pressed against the older girl’s back. Naeun’s hair will smell of that lavender shampoo that Hayoung had bought for her last week and maybe Hayoung’s arm is lazily draped on Naeun’s oh-so-huggable waist. (Maybe Hayoung should stop fantasizing about Naeun if she doesn’t want to walk into that door right in front of her).) But even if Hayoung fantasizes a lot about holding Naeun, she doesn’t dare dream of Naeun ever being hers- not hers like Naeun is a prized handbag, but rather hers in the same sense that Hayoung is Naeun’s. So she doesn’t ever hope that Naeun would one day be hers because she knows with absolute certainty that it'll never happen and Hayoung can only take so much heartbreak. Except it happens.

.

    The rest of the members are lounging around in the living room, just outside of Hayoung’s and Naeun’s room. They’re loud- extremely and always- even when muffled by the locked door, but their loudness is drowned out by how hard Hayoung’s heart is beating from the look in Naeun’s eyes.

    Naeun steps closer. Hayoung inhales and never exhales. Naeun stops right in front of Hayoung, a few centimeters too close to be considered casual, and rests a hand on Hayoung’s cheek that burns, burns, burns with an unfamiliarity that Hayoung had never thought she would get the chance to feel. Until now. “I love you,” comes Naeun’s sincere confession. Hayoung barely gets a chance to process the three words before Naeun leans forward and tenderly fits her lips against Hayoung’s.

    Naeun’s lips are smooth and soft, and Hayoung’s brain stops working and her heart stops beating and she’s pretty sure every single one of her organs has shut down. (But that’s okay if Hayoung dies in this moment because Naeun’s lips burn with a love that she had never dared wish for herself before now and Hayoung is content.)

.

    Hayoung fantasizes about cuddling with Naeun a lot. But nothing compares to the real thing, not even her wildest dreams. It’s a Sunday morning and their group finally has the day off for once. The late morning sunlight streams through billowing curtains and Hayoung’s head is nestled in Naeun’s shoulder. Hayoung’s legs are tangled with Naeun’s, bare and smooth and warm, and the older girl’s hair does smell of lavender shampoo, just like in her daydreams. One of Hayoung’s hand loosely grips the silky material of Naeun’s shirt and the other is over the older girl’s heart, Naeun’s soft heartbeat gently thrumming up her fingertips.

    “Unni,” she calls out quietly, voice cracking with the lingering sleepiness. She turns her head up to look at Naeun’s face.

    “Hm?” Naeun’s eyes are still closed, dark eyelashes stark against the softness of her skin. A hand is lazily running through Hayoung’s hair, tenderly untangling any knots.

    “Thanks,” Hayoung says simply, “for choosing me.”

    Naeun’s eyes finally opens and the bright twinkle found in them still leaves Hayoung breathless even after all this time. The older girl maneuvers until she’s above Hayoung, arms braced on either side of the girl’s head. “You’re kind of dense, aren’t you?” Naeun teases and Hayoung wants to engrave into her memory the image of the golden sunlight seeping through Naeun’s hair and into her eyes as she says, “It was only ever you.”

    Though she may not necessarily seem like it, Hayoung is ambitious. She wants and she wants a lot of things. But probably one of the things she wants most is to have this moment forever, with the sunlight on her face and the warmth in Naeun’s eyes.