april 12th, 2012
today is a sunny day, and i don’t like sunny days because something bad always happens on sunny days. i prefer rain.
i guess i should see if anything bad has happened yet, since it’s only eight in the morning.

today is oh sehun’s birthday and we had to sing to him in math. i don’t like him so i refused to sing. i think it annoyed him, but i don’t mind. lunch looked disgusting so i didn’t eat any. my stomach hurts, since i haven’t eaten in about twenty-six hours, but i’ll eat when i get home, not now. this is random, but my collarbones are really pretty. not eating often had more benefits then not. my collarbones are the only thing that's pretty though, i mean, it doesn’t take a double take to know i’m ugly. oh no people are coming to talk to me. hold on while i go to the library to avoid them.

phew, i got away. they used to be my friends. minseok and jongdae, but if i let them talk to me they might find out and i don’t want them to. i think they still seem to think we are friends. no we are not.

so something bad did happen today. oh sehun asked me out. i don’t know why. i said yes because he won’t be able to find out. he’s an idiot.
end of day twelve.


april 13th, 2012
today is friday, the thirteenth! today i’m also going on that date with sehun. if he talks to me before the date, like, at school, i might murder him.

of course he had to talk to me in math. why. i pretended he didn’t exist. actually, i’m still pretending he doesn’t exist. can he not understand that i don’t want to talk to him until the legit date? what a moron. oh he gave up. thank god.

for some reason my arms looks acceptance today. i’m probably looking at somebody else’s arms then. wait, no, this arm has cuts on it. it’s mine then.

i just got back from my date with sehun. he’s not an anymore, it’s weird. he took me to see a movie and i fell asleep on him. apparently he didn’t move until the security told him he had to or he’d get arrested, and even then he carried me out princess style. i know because i woke up in his arms like that. it was very embarrassing. to apologize he took me to a bubble tea shop. i don’t like bubble tea, so we left immediately and went to an ice cream shop. there we played twenty questions and apparently bubble tea is sehun’s favorite food ever. hunh
end of day eleven


april 14th, 2012
it’s saturday, so i’m just sitting in my room and listening to music. i decided i can eat a tiny bit, because sehun says i’m too skinny and need to eat a little. i promised i would eat some more and i don’t break promises, so i’ve eaten an entire apple and it’s only noon. that’s probably enough food.

i lost my blue pen, so now i’ll write with this green one. i don’t like black pens, they’re boring.

sehun just came by...i was confused because i hadn’t told him my address, then i remembered we were best friends when we were little. before he became an . i should move out. he makes me feel uncomfortable and those people are bad. he just came to give me an invitation, inviting me to a dance concert he’s going to be preforming in. hmm idk if i wanna go.
i’m kind of curious if he’ll miss me.
end of day ten.

april 15th, 2012
my mom just took my blade away, she also yelled at me for about two hours after seeing the cuts on my arms. sorry? the more i cut though, the less i feel like so...really it’s a miraculous remedy. how can she not see that? she must be as moronic as sehun is.

i got a gift from a ‘stranger’ on the front porch. it said it was from sehun though so, not really a stranger. he gave me a book to read. it’s the complete works of edgar allen poe. it’s really thick, but i don’t have anything to do, so i guess i’ll read it. he also gave me a cupcake. i would tell you what he wrote, but his note is super long, so i’ll just put it here for you to read. (i guess it's not that long)

Hi Luhan, how have you been? Here’s a book and a cupcake for you to enjoy, since you said you are bored all the time. You also said you hate me. :( Maybe this will change your mind? xoxo, Sehun

i’m still trying to figure out why it’s in purple...at least the cupcake is good.

i’ve been reading the book for what i thought was half an hour, but it was really almost five hours! clearly, i cannot keep track of time.
so far, my favorite poem is this one:

A Dream

In visions of the dark night
     I have dreamed of joy departed--
But a waking dream of life and light
     Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
     To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
     Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream--that holy dream,
     While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
     A lonely spirit guiding.

What through that light, thro’ storm and night,
     So trembled from afar--
What could there be more purely bright
     In Truth’s day-star?

i have no clue what it means, but it’s so pretty. it speaks to me on a spiritual level. what poem do you think sehun would like? hmm, i’ll have to find one. if i do find one, i’m only writing it in here if it’s short. some of these poems-though absolutely beautiful, are four and five pages long, and i am definitely not spending my time copying down pretty poems. it would be a waste of paper to. although, probably more interesting then my writing, this is my journal, not edgar allen poe’s.

omo, this poem. it describes my life so perfectly. it’s like edgar allen poe wrote this FOR me. i know he didn’t, but it feels like that.

To___

I heed not that my earthy lot
     Hath--little of Earth in it--
That years of love have been forgot
     In the hatred of a minute:--
I mourn not that the desolate
     Are happier, sweet, than I,
But that you sorrow for my fate
     Who am a passer by.

see????? i love it so much.
p.s. i found my blue pen, but i’m really digging this green, so maybe i’ll use the blue pen some other day.

i found on sehun would like. it’s really short.

“Deep in Earth”
Deep in earth my love is lying
     And I must weep alone.

it’s short and simple and to the point. he would like that...right? on second thought, maybe i’m the one who likes it. i’ll have to ask him what he thinks of it, or what’s his favorite edgar allen poe poem? well i’m exhausted. goodnight.
end of day nine

april 16th, 2012
wow, i wrote a lot yesterday. also, why am i talking so much about sehun? sehun this and sehun that. we’ve only been dating for two days, and i don’t even like him. well, i guess maybe i should eat some. i haven’t eaten cereal in while. i’ll go eat that.

sehun is at the door and i’m freaking out omg. oh no i think my mom just let him in. excuse me while i go hide in a corner.

I see that Lu hid from me. :( He seems to hate me, and I’m not sure why. Actually that’s a lie, I know exactly why, but I’m doing everything to make him forgive me. Writing in his diary probably isn’t the right route to go. Sorry, Lulu. Please forgive me? xoxo, Sehun

ugh. he wrote in my “diary”. it is NOT a diary. it is a journal. there IS a difference. his curly cue perfect handwriting is annoying. i don’t like it.
he decided we would ‘hang out’ today at the park. that’s why he came over, so he could invite me to come, and my mom being my mom said yes. no mom. she doesn’t understand anything. at least it won’t be too bad for her, i guess. i asked him what his favorite poem was, and he said it is To Miss Louise Olivia Hunter. i like it too surprisingly.

To Miss Louise Olivia Hunter
Though I turn, I fly not--
     I cannot depart;
I would try, but try not
     To release my heart.
And my hopes are dying
     While, on dreams relying,
I am spelled by art.

Thus, the bright snake coiling
     ‘Neath the forest tree
Wins the bird, beguiling,
     To come down and see:
Like that bird the lover
Round his fate will hover
Till the blow is over
     And he sinks--like me.

i wonder why it’s his favorite. i had to look up beguiling. this was the definition.
beguiling
bI’g⋀ILIn/
adjective
charming or enchanting, often in a deceptive way.

it kind of describes sehun. beguiling.
end of day eight


april 17th, 2012
today’s gonna . i don’t know why, i just know it will. perhaps it’s the sunrise i’m watching. it’s beguiling. i’m really starting to love that word. it can describe pretty much everything. no,
EVERYTHING
life is beguiling. life is the most beguiling of them all.

i told you today would be a bad day.

Lulu,
I know your birthday is soon, and I have an amazing present for you, so if you wouldn’t mind, please don’t act pissy on our next date, because it will be all for you.(Also, don’t kill me for saying you were acting pissy-you were.)
I have some ideas for our date, but I need your opnion on them, so here’s my phone number and you can text me and we can discuss the date.
412-1915
In the mean time, enjoy this doodle ^.^
xoxo, Sehun

he can’t even draw. like i can draw WAY better then he can.

LOOK AT THAT AND TELL ME HE IS THE BETTER ARTIST
god, i’m so tired
end of day seven


april 18th, 2012
sehun is really pissing me off. yesterday he gave me a note-thing? yeah today he did to. i would put it in here, but i ripped it up and burned it. it said something like,‘luhan, i love you,. let’s get married’ or some like that. no. edgar allen poe, relieve me please!!!!!

To___

The bowers whereat, in dreams, I see
     The wantonest singing birds,
Are lips--begotten words--

Thine eyes, in Heaven of heart enshrined
     Then desolately fall,
O God! on my funeral mind
     Like starlight on a pall--

Thy heart--thy heart!--I wake and sigh,
     And sleep to dream till day
Of truth that gold can never buy--
     Of the baubles that it may.

i just realized there are two poems by edgar allen poe called To___. yet they are so completely different. two different poems with the same name, or two different names with the same poem? is it one poem mistakingly split up? or two poems mistakingly names? or neither? i wonder...
it kind of reminds me of a poem this kid at school wrote. it’s an amazing poem, and nobody could believe he actually wrote it, but nobody could find proof he didn’t...i guess it’s not exactly a poem?...i dunno what it is.

The Tree of Life

When the skies and the grounds were one, the legends, through their twelve forces, nurtured the tree of life.
An eye of red force which created the evil which coveted the tree of life, and the heart slowly grew dry.
To tend and embrace the heart of tree of life, the legends hereby divide the tree in half and hide each side.
Hence, time is overturned and space turns askew.
The twelve forces divided into two and create two suns that look alike into two worlds that seem alike.
The legends travel apart.
The legends shall now see the same sky but shall stand on different grounds, shall stand on the same ground but shall see different skies.
The day the grounds be kept a single file before one sky in two worlds that seem alike, the legends will greet each other.
The day the red force is purified, the twelve forces will reunite into one perfect root,
a new world shall open up.

that poem really makes me wonder.‘two worlds that seem alike.’ what am i like in that other world? am i happy?

the edgar allen poe poem had another word i had to look up.
bauble
‘bɔ⧗b(∂)l/
noun
plural noun: baubles
a small, showy trinket or decoration, especially(british) a light, brightly colored sphere on a christmas tree.
historical a baton formerly used as an emblem by jesters.
hmm i don’t know if i like that word as much.
end of day six

april 19th, 2012
i refuse to go to school today

hah, my mom believed my ‘i’m sick’ story. she is so stupid.

i don’t like edgar allen poe anymore. i don’t like anything anymore. no, i didn’t like anything in the first place.
end of day five

april 20th, 2012
oh it’s my birthday today. hurrah.

oh sehun will not go away. currently he is sitting on my bed watching me ignore him with a present in his hand. can he just please go away?

HE RUINED MY JOURNAL! NOW THERE IS THAT

DISGUSTING LINE RIGHT THERE!!!---->
ugh, all for the stupid birthday
gift he gave me. i got so many lame gifts today. a pair of pants from my parents .-.
a pack of ‘fancy’ pens from my grandparents :l
a stuffed deer from minseok and jongdae. no. just no.
and twenty-four cupcakes and dante’s the divine comedy from sehun. his is the best, but i never said i wanted the divine comedy. he seems to think i’ll like it. i’ll read some of it, but it’s long.
end of day four


april 21st
so far i have read the first twenty cantos in dante’s the divine comedy: inferno. sehun was right. i do like it.

i can’t find my blade, and i’m freaking out right now because i need it. I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!!!

i found it.
end of day three


april 22ed, 2012
i’m wearing the jeans i got from mom and dad today. i figured, they spent the money, i might as well wear them. that stupid stuffed deer is on my bed. i have finished dante’s the divine comedy: inferno and i’m now reading the divine comedy: purgatorio. i need to use the pens now.
Midway upon the journey of our life
I found that I was in a dusky wood;
For the right path, whence I had strayed, was lost.
Ah me! How hard a thing it is to tell
The wildness of that rough and salvage place,
The very thought of which brings back my fear!
So bitter was it, death is little more so:
But that the good I found there may be told,
I will describe what I saw.
     How I arrived there, it were hard to tell:
So weary was my mind, so filled with sleep,
I reeled, and wandered from the path of truth.
When I had come from before a mountain’s base--
The ending of that steep and rugged valley
That lately had so struck my heart with fear--
I raised my eyes, and saw the mountain’s shoulder
Already covered by the planet’s rays
That safely guide the steps of other men.
Then was my terror somewhat quieted
That through the last night’s anguish I had borne
Within the very wellsprings of my heart.
Like one who having battled with the waves,
In safety on the shore, with panting breath
Looks back upon the perils of the deep:
So did my soul, which still in terror fled,
Turn back to contemplate with awe and fear
That pass which man had never left alive.
     After my weary body had been rested,
Again I started up the desert steep,
So that my lower foot was e’er the firmer.
When lo! Close to the bottom of the mount, 

 there, i used all the pens. well, there’s white to, but you can’t see it.
white
see.
that was the very beginning of the divine comedy. it vaguely annoys that i didn’t have enough pens or less pens to finish anything, but nothing ever finishes at the time we want it to.
end of day two


april 23ed, 2012
today’s the last day

April 24th, 2012
Hello, this is Sehun, not Luhan. I’m sorry that I am writing in here instead of Luhan, but he can’t write at the moment. Luhan attempted suicide this morning. He is currently in a hospital bed, unconscious. He cut an artery in his wrist, and lost an unhealthy amount of blood. I had gone to his house this morning, wanting to have a nice, happy day with the cookies I baked, and I ended up walking in on an almost dead Luhan. The only thing, that could’ve possibly been worse was telling his parents.
He’s in critical condition. I really hope he’ll be okay. I love him. I really do.
Xoxo, Sehun


April 26th, 2012
Luhan still hasn’t woken up yet. The single ‘good’ thing in this matter is that he’s not dead.
LUHAN I LOVE YOU
Xoxo, Sehun


Apri; 27th, 2012
Lulu, please wake up. For me?
Xoxo, Sehun

may 1st, 2012
well, i’m awake now. i’ve been awake for a couple days. i’m using this disgusting red pen because that’s all i could find. ugh. i really don’t like that i’m still here. i had a dream while i was unconscious. i went to heaven, and became an angel. i saw how everybody was sad that i killed myself, and i couldn’t do anything to make them feel better, because i was dead. i almost wish that was the case. except, it was horrible seeing everybody in pain. ugh. what am i even saying??? you know what
May 1st, 2012
I never realized how pretty the sun is. Or how pretty outside the window is. Or inside the window...(Sehun is gorgeous, how did I not notice?) Life is beautiful.
I’m alive. This is wonderful.