Chapter 1 “How Can I?”

Jaejoong POV

I’m on my way to Junsu’s apartment. I saw some fangirls snapping pictures of me (well, my car). It seems that lately the numbers of fans that know my car even my plate are increasing. And I could see their excited faces as I drove pass them. Now in the underground parking, my mind was set again on my goal. I NEEDED TO TALK TO JUNSU.

 My mind was racing as I walked in the elevator. The stress from the recent events has gotten to me. How can he tweet such careless words?  Was he really feeling that betrayed? Did he not think of how THE TWO would feel, how YUNHO would feel? How could he lose faith that easily? I too was struggling with my own doubts and disappointment but I wasn’t about to announce it to the whole world via twitter. Not when we I know that our words could be easily misunderstood and skewed by others. I really wanted to talk to him about his recent emotional tweets. But he kept ignoring my texts and even my calls. And when he finally answers my text, it was a simple “Come to my apartment. 8pm tonight.”, that cheeky bastard. Ignoring his hyung all this time and now commanding me to go to his place. Once at his door I immediately punched in the code.

” Hyung is that you?” I hear Su’s normal squeaky voice.

“Yeah it’s me.” I walk to the living room.

 “Why were you ignoring my..” my voice trailed off as I saw another man sitting on the sofa with his arm around Su.

“Hi hyung. Come sit.” Yoochun said, barely taking his eyes off the screen. They both seemed so focused in what they were watching. I sat down next to Chun.

“What are you guys..” I stopped as Chun looked at me. “Shhhh… just watch.” pointing to the television screen.

author's note = "here is the vid check it out :P"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf5VDpqz1RY

Yunho and Changmin came on screen. “Oh so this is what’s it’s all about, their first comeback performance on MuBank”, I thought.

He still had on the same practiced smile, the smile that he automatically puts on whenever he’s around fans or during such public appearances. It saddens me that now I can only see this kind of smile from him.. I miss him so bad. I miss US. It’s been so damn long since I last saw him. So ing long.. I feel my longing welling up in me. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from admiring him, still so handsome, Yun.

Yunho and Changmin looked at each other before greeting “Annyeong haseyo Dong Bang Shin Ki imnida”. I felt my heart clench a bit. It felt weird hearing them say our name with just the two of them. It feels so strange when they say our name like that.

My reverie was interrupted by Min’s weird English. I know I’m not that good but heck our maknae was no better. He was reading a fan message, “Ayv wayted for yer kembak for sho long. Congrashulayshon.” I hear Chun stifle a giggle. The second message sounded even weirder that I couldn’t understand what he was saying at all.

“YAH!”, pointing to the screen. “This kid claims to be the smartest among us but our pronunciations are just the same” Junsu said followed by his usual eun kyang kyang laughter.

“But he IS smarter than you Su” Yoochun and I said in unison followed by a high five between the two of us. Su just pouted. Probably because he knew we were right. Till now we never miss the chance to tease Junsu. It’s a sort of tradition that we could never let go.

Soon their first performance started. The first notes played. I immediately know what song it is, “How Can I?”. I practically memorized all of their song in their new album. And though I feel a bit hurt about THAT one song, I still memorized it by heart, as though I’m going to perform it with them too.  And “How Can I?” in particular is one of my favorites.

Changmin opened the song. I hear the fan’s screams. I immediately felt my eyes close. As usual Changmin sounds better live. I hear the fans chant “SHIM CHANGMIN!”. I feel my mouth curve into a smile.  And I fought the urge to shout Shim Changmin along with the fans. Our maknae really did improve a lot. He was singing in his characteristic cool and composed way. But his technique is so much better. I no longer sense the overpowering feel of his voice, unlike before when we had to have him on check most of the times. Now, he has better control of his low notes and is much more critical in hitting his high notes. Our maknae has definitely matured and I’m a proud fan, member, friend, hyung, Umma(as our fans would put it). I really don’t know what to call myself at this point.

I open my eyes as I know Yun’s part is coming, I feel my heart thump. I really want to see his face. I really want to sing and perform with him, to hold his hand, to be with him in this moment.

 Yun had his eyes closed. I could only imagine what he is thinking right now. He seemed very tense but he sang his lines to perfection. I could feel my heart clench with his every line. His singing was full of emotions and it all reached me. I felt my spine tingle.

Then Yun opened his eyes and I saw how really vulnerable he was at that moment. He was in the brink of tears. His eyes were pleading. Our leader, my Yunho who never showed us weakness, was showing this to the whole world. His eyes were speaking to me, to the three of us. And we all understood what he wanted to say. He was singing his heart. He was trying to apologize.

I hear Su’s muffled cries as he tears on Chun’s arm. And I hear Chun turn off the TV. I don’t remember at what point I started to cry but hot angry tears just came welling up. I covered my face with my hands. It’s hard not being able to talk to Yun and Min. It’s hard not being able to see them. It is hard, knowing that we could only communicate through these ways. It’s hard not being able to do anything about our situation.  I hated the separation but their utter absence in our life was unbearable. I feel Chun’s hand on my back, trying to console me. But the tears just continued to well up.