before.
Seokjin didn’t  want to admit the simplicity of wanting more when there was nothing more to take and he says he would turn around the world to find something that could fill the emptiness inside his ribcage, he would dig with hands and crawl and try to find his way out but there is only more darkness wherever he turns so he had stopped trying so long ago he is far too gone, far too late, far too helpless. And he knows that what he does doesn’t help him, only kills him, but the smoke feels like filling up the nihility around his heart and painting it another colour, a colour he hadn’t seen for so long, everything had started to turn gray years ago, he didn’t mind being broken because he thought there was nothing that could fix him anymore, no glue, no love, no sticky pink because it always melts on the surface of his misery. Behind the veils of sadness and the art of lying to yourself he isn’t even able to see the way Hoseok looks at him whenever he runs to the back door, trying to run away from reality. He never sees.

one.
Seokjin heard it when Yoongi said forever and promised it on the stars, craved it on the back of Seokjin’s hands with his tongue and lips and teeth and smiles and he knew that he was wishing on stars that it was true because Seokjin heard it when Yoongi said forever but he knew what he meant was maybe. He loved like a child, pure and full of stars and purple flowers that bloomed across Jin’s neck in the wake of Yoongi’s lips and hands and there were those times when Yoongi loved Jin. There were those times, Jin was sure. But there were also those times when all the rooms were cold, mist seeping inside Seokjin’s mind and he didn’t dare to leave his bedroom because he didn’t know what would’ve been scarier - seeing Yoongi not seeing him or if it was worse to not have Yoongi at all. At first he tried to brush it off and tried to say it didn’t matter because Yoongi still came back to him, still came back and that was enough to comfort Jin so he took care of Yoongi, he still believed that whenever he took Yoongi’s hand there would be liquid fire and a string that binds them together in one whole, universes aligning and moving closer until they touch just so two people could meet halfway across different parallel lines, different worlds, different lifes, a whole lot of differences but back then Seokjin still believed in the half said maybe hiding behind the mask of forever and it was far too early to understand that maybe this all wasn’t what it was supposed to be at all. Seokjin still hid, like a child yet to grow up, he still hid behind the nights when Yoongi got home early and kissed him right on the doorstep and his breath was so fast, so fast, Yoongi only had time to kick the door shut before he was pulled inside the bedroom and the times when they woke up early, Yoongi knew that Seokjin hated coffee so he made him tea, Yoongi knew back then. Then he forgot.
Maybe, Seokjin thinks, maybe once it was true. He wouldn’t know. He never had enough courage to ask Yoongi “why won’t you look at me anymore?” Maybe Seokjin just wasn’t enough.

two.
Hoseok watches Seokjin carefully from the corner of his eye, seeing Seokjin like he’s seen him so many times before, bloodshot red eyes, out of this world, out of this time and yet so beautifully broken. Hoseok has watched Seokjin ever since he’s known him as if the sky fell down on Jin’s skin the moment they met, as if all the clouds are swimming in his collarbones, birds nestled in his hair. Hoseok watches Seokjin, he never tells, he watches his fingers pull the drug to his mouth as if the only thing that let’s him breathe is the acid air of the oblivion he seeks.

When Seokjin returns he smells like pot and sunshine dried on his skin.
“Don’t you think it kills you?”
“I know it does.”
Seokjin doesn’t seem surprised that Hoseok knows. Somehow everybody started knowing at one point or another when Jin started going out too often and came back three days later, when he stopped caring about himself, stopped caring about others too, there was that point that turned his world around and shook him outside so the door never again opened for him.

“Why don’t you stop?”
“I can’t.”
Jin remembers a time when there were cherry blossoms lining his ribs and growing inside his bones, there were diamonds in the corner of his eyes. Hoseok think’s he’s prettier without them.  
“Why?”
“I don’t remember who I was before I started.”
“Do you want me to remind you?”
Seokjin wonders how will he, how is this possible, because Jin isn’t even sure if he was anything before he became what he is now. But he wants to remember, he does. He wants Hoseok to do it. There’s something about Hoseok that looks much like what he thought he used to be, much like what he wants to be again. And when Hoseok kisses him Seokjin thinks that maybe he tastes like the gray is slowly fading back to pink.

after.
“Hoseok?”
I’m falling for you. I’ve been falling for you for a long time now.
“Yeah?”
You occupy my day and night and you apologize for every single thing I’ve done, I haven’t even asked you to but you do, you purify my whole existence.
“Can you promise me something?”
Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe we can belong together. Lately I’ve been thinking that you’re making me forget and remember, like waves crashing, one moment I know and the next one my mind is blank.
“Anything.”
Lately I’ve been thinking that falling again isn’t as bad as I thought. I just need you to be the one to push me.
“Don’t break my heart.”
Don’t promise me forever while meaning maybe.
“I won’t.”