Feeling Your Cold Dead Eyes, Stealing the Life Of Mine

Dance With The Devil (Revamp 1/28/19 )

Waking himself in a cold sweat, Kim Kibum watched helplessly as the figures in front of him grew more and more menacing each passing second. This wasn't a nightmare and he wasn't waking up from the reality he'd created. The pain shot immediately threw his head suddenly as he clutched desperately to himself, trying to get a grip. Beside him, Hyung Jun was stirring, he could probably sense something was wrong. Being an empath had it's benefits. The pain was mind-numbing, enough so that Kibum found himself unable to talk. He should have predicted this. He should have expected it. Death had been cheated. He'd given so much for three people to be reborn again in this life and there was no way it was a just trade. Missing bodies in his realm for a simple sample of the threads of life Kibum himself had left. This was revenge 

Obviously panicked, Hyung Jun scrambled around, immediately sitting up and shaking his brother, frantically trying to pull him out of whatever was hurting him. Kibum tried, he really did, but it took merely seconds. He shouldn't have ignored the warning signs; the behavior changes, the mood swings, the loss of appetite. If he'd gotten himself cleansed, this wouldn't have happened. It was too late. Another agonizing shot of pain caused Kibum to literally scream out as he felt like his entire self was being tortured. His body flung itself to the bed, Hyung Jun absolutely terrified at the scene unfurling before him. Bones creaked and groaned as they twisted against their will, contorting Kibum's body in horrible and gruesome positions. Blood flowed and stopped and flowed again. Kibum's brain felt ready to explode and his eyes rolled violently. He couldn't even see. He could barely hear his poor helpless brother screaming his name before he heard nothing anymore. The pain stopped. The sounds and feelings all stopped. Kibum was trapped, trapped in his own head. He could hear and see what was happening outside his body....but he wasn't there anymore.  

Tears now streaming down his face, Hyung Jun shook Kibum's body violently. Barely able to let go to get the phone to call for help, Hyung Jun's whole body shook. 911 was called; maybe some of their friends and family. Suddenly, Kibum gasped for breath and his eyes shot open, but the eyes that looked into his brother's were not Kibum'sKibum himself watched helplessly as the thing smiled, a truly horrifying sight, and spoke in a y voice. "Kibum's gone....I'm inside now"  

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Buffalohighschool18 #1
Wow
Amalya
#2
Chapter 1: Well this was certainly an unexpected bit of tortured activity to be suddenly dropped into. The intro gives a slight hint/warning of what's to come but you chose an interesting spot to introduce us in regards to Kibum and his deal. And all I can do is feel sorry for his brother. >.> With him being an empath, that would likely be a particularly frightening experience indeed.

Though I was a little confused about Kibum's having 'given enough for three people to be reborn' though I'm presuming you were referring to years. And in that regard, I think you managed a nice play on words in indicating that he hadn't only given up that time, but by the end of your short, we understand what else he lost. Goodness, what a situation to be in too. Especially because he's completely aware but utterly unable to do anything.

I'm personally skeptical that a cleansing would have done much to change his fate but it was a nice thought, if a bit late to be of any use. You do a really good job of conveying Hyungjun's panic though and it comes through well in the writing. So good job overall. Even with it being as short as it is, you might consider breaking the second chapter up into even smaller paragraphs to chunk the panicked sections around the possessed contortions and so on. Just a thought. ^_^ Thank you for sharing!
hopelesswriter #3
Chapter 1: Gawsh...this is so.....creepy....i wonder what will happen to Hyungjun now...or maybe it's obvious what will happen to him?...aahh, it's driving me crazy thinking...i wonder what's the story of Kibum's deal with the Devil too...is this really the end? no prequel/sequel?...it's a really nice suspenseful short story though...personally i find it hard to describe scene that will evoke fear and suspense from readers, but i think you did really well. Thanks for sharing the story.