Writing Challenge Day 5

Song: La Dispute- A Broken Jar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2DcENKU4JY

            It’s odd. When I look at them, I don’t see where I fit in. I feel like an outsider in my own home, and it’s been like this for a very long time. It’s not me trying to be an estranged teenager. It has all of nothing to do with my age or hormones—every ing excuse used in the world to explain behavior that is outside the norm, they do not explain my feelings. I can barely explain them. I just know that this isn’t my place. I feel it deep inside.

            When the words “I hate them” roll off my tongue, it feels very right. It feels normal, even. Some may think I’m crazy but this is just what I feel. It’s not a cry for help, a desperate plea. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know anything anymore. Everyone always says family is the people who will never turn their backs on you and that they’ll always love you. Why does this seem like such bull?

            I don’t like the way they speak to me, the way they look at me, the way I’m treated. What have I even done? The harder I try to cling to them, the harder they push me away. I stupidly keep trying though. I used to want to be accepted by them so desperately. At one point I completely changed my behavior, hoping they’d like that version of me better and thus accept me. It did nothing but make them say harsh things to me. Apparently the behavior I was exhibiting wasn’t what they wanted to see, although everything they’ve ever said to me pointed to this child that they wanted to see that just wasn’t there. When I pretended to be him, it seemed to upset them, anger them even. What the else am I supposed to do?

            When I’m obedient, I’m ignoring their authority. When I’m disobedient, I’m spiteful and rude. When I’m quiet, I’m disrespectful. When I speak my mind, I’m talking back. I can’t win. When I lock myself away, they say I’m avoiding them, yet when I show my oh so offensive face they find every little flaw and nitpick at me until I’m reduced to tears and retreat to the safe haven of my bedroom for the remainder of the day.

            Growing up, I thought it was normal to hear the awful things they thought of me. I’m older now. It was abuse. I know that. But, I’m just so used to being abused now…

            They’ve ruined me.

            Things have gotten cloudy.

            Have I been losing it completely? Losing sanity.

            I can’t seem to ing let this go. I want to cling to it and continue building up all this hate and regret but it’s poisoning me. I’m the only one hurting so deeply. I keep trying to wrap my head around their malicious words, their blatant lies, their childish retaliation against my newfound distance. I don’t understand anything and I’m struggling to desperately, so anxiously to understand. It’s not their fault. It’s just who they are. I keep trying to convince myself that it’s my fault, but it’s ing not. It’s not me. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t want this. They don’t want me and I don’t want them. I don’t want to be here. I don’t deserve to wake up and hide in my room until I’m sure everyone has left the house just so that I don’t have to cross their paths.

            What is self-esteem?

            They don’t love me and , I don’t love myself either.

            Why don’t they love me?

            Why?