“Where are you going, hyung?” Jaehwan asks Taekwoon when he sees Taekwoon gets up from his bed. He knows the answer already but he keeps on asking him that. Maybe he’ll get an answer this time. Maybe. Maybe.

 

          Taekwoon doesn’t answer him, instead he heads out from Jaehwan’s apartment, as usual, as expected. Jaehwan bites his lip, preventing himself from crying. He looks up to the ceiling, blinking the tears that threatened to fall. It’s okay. One tear drops. It’s okay. Another tear drops. It’s okay. Another tear drops. It’s okay. Finally the crystalline dews stream down his face. Jaehwan keeps on repeating the same words. It’s okay because he’s Jung Taekwoon. It’s okay because he’s Lee Jaehwan.

 

          It’s always like that. Soon after they do it, Taekwoon will get up from his bed, wear his clothes and then leave. He doesn’t even say goodbye to him. And Jaehwan will always ask the same question, and he will always get the same silence. It’s okay because he’s Jung Taekwoon. It’s okay because he’s Lee Jaehwan. It’s okay because they’re nothing. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

 

****

 

          Jung Taekwoon, or known as Leo. Charismatic eyes, perfectly-shaped nose, handsome face, broad shoulders, hot body but flat , tall, soccer athlete, alluring voice, smart or in other words, almost perfect. Why almost? Because the only flaw he has is his attitude. There’s reason why he’s known as Leo. He has lion-like demeanor and he gives everybody cold treatment. Despite his cold acts, people keep on falling and falling for him. It’s a daily thing to see people confessing to him and Taekwoon, being a casanova he is, will accept their confession only to dump them days after. They will apologize to him, telling him it’s their fault for being such a bad lover, begging him so they can start over. But really, it’s not their fault. They’re such a great lover, it’s just that Taekwoon doesn’t want to be tied in a long term relationship, yet. To him, being in a long term relationship is bothersome. He likes short one more. One night stand is better cause he can just casually leave them. No string attached. You can refer him as the frozen heart.

 

          Lee Jaehwan, or known as Ken. Doe eyes, big cute nose, plushy lips, elf-like ears, kenconda, honey-like voice, kind heart, endless gags, black belt in taekwondo, beat boxing, painter, social butterfly, in other words everybody’s favorite. It’s hard to hate this lovely fluffy human being. Once you get to know him, you can’t escape his charm including me. Not to mention his kind heart. He always helps the others, whether they’re friends or strangers. To him, consideration for others is important, reason why a lot of people admire him. His sunshine-like personality never fails to brighten up the mood. To them, he’s such a precious jewel, one you want to protect at all costs. You can refer him as the warm heart.

 

****

         

          “Please, hyung. I have no one to accompany me to the party.” Hongbin pleads to Jaehwan.

 

          “No. I don’t want to.” Jaehwan firmly says to Hongbin. He’s shoving his books into his bag, getting ready to go back home.

 

          “Please, hyung.” Hongbin gives Jaehwan his puppy eyes.

 

          “No. You’ll ditch me cause you’ll be busy flirting with that satan guy.” Jaehwan swings his bag over his shoulder.

 

          “His name is Sanghyuk and he’s not a satan. He’s nice and cute.”

 

          “See. This is why I don’t want to accompany you to the party. You’re so head over heels towards him.” Jaehwan walks out of his class. He’s so tired right now and he wants to do nothing but sleep.

 

          “Please, hyung. I swear I won’t ditch you.” Hongbin runs to his hyung’s direction and then spreading his arms to block his way.

 

          “Go away, Hongbin.” Jaehwan tries to gets away from Hongbin but Hongbin keeps on blocking his way.

 

          “I’ll buy you that limited edition Straw Hat Pirates figurines. I know you want it so bad.” Hongbin says his offer. He know Jaehwan can’t say no to this. He’s been talking about it for four days.

 

          “You know that it’s expensive as hell, right?”

 

          “Duh.” Hongbin shrugs his shoulders. Jaehwan totally forgets that Hongbin is a rich brat. Those thing are nothing to him.

 

          “Urgh. Fine. But promise me you won’t ditch me and I want that figurines by tomorrow.”

 

          “Aye aye, captain.” Hongbin says happily. He then links his hand to Jaehwan’s. Jaehwan looks to his bestfriend and then sighing. He’s gonna regret his decision.

 

****

 

          Jaehwan stands alone while sipping his drink. He can see Hongbin flirting with the satan guy.  I won’t ditch you my . Jaehwan looks to his surroundings and decides that party is not his thing. He walks out of the room to get some fresh air. He decides to go to the park nearby. It doesn’t take him long until he reaches the park. He sits on the bench then looks around to his surroundings. The park is so quiet since it’s 11 pm already, but that makes Jaehwan comfortable since he doesn’t like crowded place. He can feel night breeze on his skin. It’s chilly but nice. He looks up to the sky. It looks more beautiful than usual since there’re stars adorning it. Without him realizing, he starts to sing his favorite song.

 

          Taekwoon is busy flirting with a guy, what’s his name again? Hamyeon? Huyon? Hakyeon? Whatever, when he sees someone walking out of room. He doesn’t really know who that boy is but he finds that boy interesting. He thinks he’s seen that boy somewhere. Oh right. He’s the infamous social butterfly. Lee Jaehwan. Wow. He knows his name when he doesn’t even remember the tan guy’s name.

 

He decides to follow him, ditching the guy he’s been flirting with. He follows the boy from behind silently. He sees the social butterfly heads to park nearby. The boy is sitting on a bench while looking up to the sky. Taekwoon looks up to the sky and see the stars decorating the night. They are beautiful. He’s busy admiring the stars when he hears a beautiful voice. He looks for the source of the voice and finds the voice is coming from the boy he’s been following. He won’t admit it but damn this is the most beautiful voice he’s even heard. The way his voice coming out from his throat, so alluring and mellifluous, simply breathtaking. When he stops singing, Taekwoon feels so empty and futile. He doesn’t know who Jaehwan is but he knows he has him under his spell.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon can’t get that boy’s voice out of his mind. He can’t forget that dulcet tone. He keeps on thinking about it, about that boy. What kind of person is he? What’s his favorite movie? Does like latte? He wants to know everything about him. This is so frustrating. He’s been thinking about that boy for days and he’s sure that boy doesn’t even think about him, does he even know him? How fair, he thinks to himself.  He decides to go to the club he usually visits. Maybe he can get some distraction from there. He puts his black leather jacket and jeans on, black eyeliner decorating his feline-like eyes, so audacious and enthralling.

 

          It doesn’t take him long until he finds his prey, a girl name Sojin, if he’s not mistaken. The Sojin girl invites him to her apartment since it’s nearer and they don’t have to pay for hotel cost. Taekwoon, of course, accepts the offering gladly. They spend the night excitingly, according to her since Taekwoon still can’t get him out of his mind. He even almost screams his name. She sleeps immediately after they finish their business, which is good. Taekwoon grabs his clothes and then heads out of her apartment. He opens the door when he hears the door beside him opens too. He looks to his right to see the boy he’s been thinking of coming out from the apartment. The boy looks so surprised with his presence. He gives him an awkward bow and then leaves. Taekwoon is, on the other hand, frozen in his place. His mind and body become paralyzed. He’s surprised with the boy’s sudden appearance. Is this some kind of coincidence? Or is this faith? Nonetheless, that boy has successfully made Taekwoon’s heart beats in erratic way. And Taekwoon is sure he won’t get sleep tonight, or even more.

 

****

         

          Taekwoon knows he’s drunk but he doesn’t know why he’s standing in front of the boy who has been haunting his mind for days’ door. He feels like his body is dragging himself to come to his place by its own.

 

          Jaehwan is watching his favorite anime One Piece when he hears the bell rings. He expected it to be Hongbin but what he gets is drunk Taekwoon in front of his door. He’s so surprised with Taekwoon’s visit. What is he doing here? Do they even know each other?

 

          “Taekwoon, hyung?” Jaehwan asks him timidly. He may be drunk but his presence is still overwhelming to him. It’s because he secretly has crush on this enticing lion for years. He invites him in despite his confusion over the sudden visit. It’s rude to leave your guest outside, right?

 

          “Cha-a knoouw me-eeh?” Taekwoon asks him in his drunken state.

 

          “Ye-yeah.” Jaehwan bows his head shyly.

 

          “Greee-aaatthh cuz afbeeen thinkeen’ botcha for deezz.” Taekwoon approaches the confused boy slowly. His body is walking on his own again.

 

          “What?” Jaehwan lifts his head up and then feel a pair of lips touching his own lips. He’s trying to register what’s happening when suddenly Taekwoon lifts his body and brings him into his room (how does he know that it’s his room?). His body is thrown onto his bed forcefully. He doesn’t have time to ask Taekwoon what’s wrong cause Taekwoon attacks his lips as soon as he drops his body down. At first, Jaehwan tries not to respond the kiss, not when suddenly he attacks him when they don’t even know each other. He tries to push him away but damn, Taekwoon’s too tempting to be rejected. In the end, Jaehwan gives up and lets Taekwoon does his tricks on him.

 

          Taekwoon feels so guilty for taking advantage of this poor boy but he can’t stop himself. Not when he finally he can feel his body, not when he makes those sinfully luscious noises, not when his body melts into his, not when he finally holds the boy of his dream. He knows he’ll regrets it later, but now he just wants to feel this boy beneath him.

 

          Jaehwan falls asleep once they finish their frisson. Taekwoon gets up from his bed. He puts his clothes on. He looks at the man he just had with. He knows he’s ed up. He’s in a big trouble. He’s practically him. But the boy’s enjoying it, right? He rubs his temple lightly before goes out from the apartment. He’ll explain it to him later. Later.

 

****

 

          It takes Taekwoon three days until he finally confronts the boy. Blame on his social personality, it’s hard for Taekwoon to find him alone. The boy is finally alone cause his dimpled bestfriend (he doubts that they’re just bestfriends) is sick. He doesn’t know it but he hates that dimpled guy. He gives him bad vibes. Not that he hates him cause he’s too clingy or touchy to Jaehwan, of course not. It’s just that he’s too handsome for his liking. Yeah. He’s too handsome.

 

          Taekwoon approaches him slowly. He calls his name softly, surprising the unsuspecting boy.

 

          “Hey.” Taekwoon smiles to him awkwardly.

 

          “Uh- Hi.” Jaehwan returns his awkward smile with his own.

 

          “We need to talk about- Uhm- You know- Our- Uhm- Yeah-“

 

          “Yeah.” Jaehwan answers him awkwardly. His face becomes red from remembering the incident.

 

          “Well, you know. I was drunk back then and- Uhm- I couldn’t find place to-uhm- rest. Then I remembered you coming out from that apartment when I was with- uhm- yeah. So I walked to your apartment and rang the bell and-uhm-you know- we- yeah.” Taekwoon finds it hard to make proper sentences, not when his heart is racing wildly.

 

          “Yeah.” Jaehwan answers him coyly. He keeps his head low for the whole time.

 

          “I swear it was just an accident. I didn’t mean to do that. Just that my mind wasn’t on the right state so I- I’m sorry. I swear it won’t happen again.” Taekwoon says to him groggily while making awkward hand gestures. What’s happening to him?

 

          “Huh? Accident?” Jaehwan lifts his head up. Did he just hear accident?

 

          “Yeah. Accident.”

 

          “Ah. I see. It’s okay, hyung.” Jaehwan tells him weakly. Accident.

 

          “Really?” Taekwoon asks him. Jaehwan nods as his answer.

 

          “I know it’s rude but can I ask you a favor. Can you keep it secret? Just between us?” Taekwoon asks him while playing with the hem of his shirt. Damn he’s never felt this nervous before. What does this boy do to him?

 

          “Yeah.” Jaehwan answers him weakly. He barely whisper to him since he’s too weak to speak words.

 

          “Okay. Thanks. I swear it won’t happen again. Ever.”

 

          “Yeah.”

 

          “Okay. I gotta go. So uhm- bye.”

 

          “Bye.” Jaehwan gives him forced smile. At least he has to assure Taekwoon that he’s okay. Why does he have to do that? Taekwoon doesn’t even care about his feeling. Why is he so stupid?

 

          Taekwoon heads back to his class. He feels like punching his face for asking Jaehwan to hide their one night stand (though he’s not really sure about that). Why did he say that to him? He should be grateful that he’s not curse on him or punch him though he deserved it. He had with him without his consent and then he asked him to keep it secret. What a bastard. He ruffles his hair out of frustration. He really wants to kill himself right now.

 

          Jaehwan bites his lips bitterly once Taekwoon leaves him. Accident. Accident. Accident. He should have expected it from him. But why does his heart hurt so bad right now? He feels like his heart is being torn into little pieces and then someone takes his heart out just to smash it into a rock so it will turns into tinier little pieces. He looks up to the sky. The sky is so cloudy and grey, just like his heart. He decides to skip his class, he doesn’t have more energy to do something. He wants to go home and cries his heart out. He walks to his home broken-heatedly. He’s trying to hold back his tears when he feels rain starting to pour the street. He keeps on walking without caring about the rain. At least he doesn’t have to hold back the stream of tears anymore.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon promised him that he wouldn’t let it happen again. But then again, promises are made to be broken, right? So here he is, lips on lips with Jaehwan. Jaehwan doesn’t say no to him so he doesn’t stop. Jaehwan doesn’t push him away so he doesn’t stop. Jaehwan keeps on giving so Taekwoon keeps on to taking.

 

          Jaehwan knows he only makes fool of himself by not pushing him away or responding to his touches. He knows he’s stupid. He knows he’ll only hurt himself more than he already but he just can’t stop himself. Taekwoon doesn’t stop visiting him so he doesn’t stop. Taekwoon doesn’t stop touching him so he doesn’t stop. Taekwoon keeps on breaking his heart but Jaehwan doesn’t stop him from doing it.

 

****

 

          “I don’t understand why people keep on confessing to him when they know he’ll only dump them.” Hongbin, Jaehwan’s bestfriend, speaks while chewing his sandwich. They’re eating their lunch on the bench under the tree near the basketball field. It’s their favorite spot since they like to eat in peace. The cafeteria is too loud for their liking. Jaehwan’s loudness is more than enough for them.

 

          “I don’t know.” Jaehwan answers him casually. They can see someone confessing to Taekwoon from afar. They can see a girl is handing him a cake. She looks down to her feet since she’s too shy to look at him. They pity her because they already know how the end is. As always, Taekwoon gives her his usual cold answer and then leaves, he doesn’t even touch the cake. They can see the girl shrinks into his knees crying. Poor her.

 

          “He’s so cold and cruel, hyung. How can such person exist? I hate this kind of person a lot.” Hongbin says firmly while giving the said person his disgusted look. Jaehwan gives him light hit on his hand to this.

 

          “What was that for?” Hongbin gives him slightly mad look.

 

          “Don’t say such thing. You don’t know him.” Jaehwan defends the lion.

 

          “Then do you know him?”

 

          “I- I-” Jaehwan is trying to look for right answer when he hears bell signaling the break is over rings. He sighs in relief.

 

          “. Come on, hyung. The next class is composing. I don’t want to hear Prof. Jonghwan scolding us for being late. We have to move fast.” Hongbin takes Jaehwan’s hand and drags him to their class. Without them knowing, a pair of eyes is eyeing them intensely. He looks at the bestfriends with his piercing eyes. His eyes are following the pair until they’re no longer in his sight.

 

          Jaehwan and Taekwoon’s affair is supposed to be a secret. Nobody can know this. Taekwoon forbids Jaehwan from telling their secret affair to someone, even his parents or his so called bestfriend Hongbin. At first, Jaehwan wanted to ask him why but he decided not to since he realized that the reason was obvious, so obvious. He and Taekwoon having this kind of affair is something hard to believe. Everybody will find this ridiculous and stupid. Not that he doesn’t deserve to be with Taekwoon. It’s just that they never interact with each other when they’re at their university. Jaehwan may be a social butterfly but he never approaches or talks to him. Plus they have totally different personalities. There’s no way people like them have this kind of affair.

 

****

 

         

          Secretly, Taekwoon tries to find more information about him, about the boy he secretly falls. About what his favorite color is, what his favorite season is, what his favorite drink is, what his hobby is, everything. And he concludes that they’re completely opposites of each other. That they love what each other hate. Their opposite personalities doesn’t stop Taekwoon from falling. Instead, it only makes him falls deeper and deeper. But it doesn’t stop him from being casanova. He just can’t stop it, yet.

 

          Jaehwan doesn’t need to do something to look for information about Taekwoon. Everybody knows everything about the heartbreaker. He’s everybody’s talk. News about him is highlight of today’s talk, especially if they find something new about him. Jaehwan remember time when one of their friend found that Taekwoon loved animals, especially dogs and cats. The whole campus was talking about the sudden discovering. They didn’t expect that the lion loved animals. The confessors never forget to bring animal when they confess to him from that day on, though they still get the same answer. At least they get to see the lion’s precious rare smile before he dumps them. They say that it worth it. There’s definitely something wrong with them. Jaehwan once thought about confessing to him, but he decided not to since he didn’t want to experience broken heart yet.

 

          They keep themself apart from each other in the morning, but once the night falls they keep themselves tangled to each other though it’s just an accident. Repetitive accident.

 

****

          Jaehwan is drying his hair when he hears his door being knocked. He is just wearing a bath robe since he just took a bath. He heads to the door to see Taekwoon standing unstably, face red and smells like alcohol. He’s drunk for sure.

 

          “What are you doing here, hyung?” Jaehwan asks Taekwoon who kisses him abruptly.

 

          “What the hell.” Jaehwan pushes Taekwoon’s body away from him.

 

          “What are you doing, hyung?” Jaehwan asks him once again only to have hug and kiss as his answers. Taekwoon hugs his body tightly that it makes him hard to breathe. He tries to push Taekwoon away but since Taekwoon is way stronger than him, his effort is useless. In the end, he decides to give in to him.

 

          Taekwoon, on the other hand, keeps on kissing him senselessly. This makes Jaehwan worried since Taekwoon never acts like this. Sure he is possessive aggressive type, but this is the first time Taekwoon kisses him like this. Usually they start it with light kiss before everything turn into something more.

 

          “What’s wrong, hyung?” Jaehwan tries to ask him between the kisses. Taekwoon doesn’t answer him, something Jaehwan has expected though he hopes that he would get an answer. Instead, Taekwoon leads him to his bedroom, already. Usually it takes them minutes until the main event. Something is definitely wrong with Taekwoon. Jaehwan wants to reject him. He can’t have make love to him, not until he knows the reason why Taekwoon acts like this, but his body decides the otherwise. His body just can’t reject the man he has crush on for years.

 

          That night, Taekwoon makes love to him (Jaehwan likes to call it that since he hates the word ) different that the usual. The touches last longer, the marks are more distinctive and sometimes he hears him muffles something sounds like “mine” although he’s not really sure about it and he decides to stay with him, something that Jaehwan himself didn’t expect it. Jaehwan knows he decides to stay with him because he’s too tired and drunk to drive back home. But still, having him sleeping beside him makes his heart swells.

 

          He looks at Taekwoon’s sleeping face. They’ve done it for countless times but it’s the first time he sees Taekwoon’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful and beautiful. Moonlight illuminating his face makes him looks like an actual angel, so enchanting and unreal. He caresses his face, tracing every single parts of his face carefully. He studies the face of the love of his life, tying to implant it into his mind in details. He know he has fallen deeply with the man who will never reciprocate his feeling. Without him knowing, tears come down from his eyes. He lets the tears fall, he’s too tired to wipe them. He doesn’t really know why he is crying. Is it from happiness or sadness? Is if from happiness because Taekwoon is sleeping next to him? Or is it from sadness because he knows he has fallen for this man unconditionally and it hurts? It takes him minutes until he stops crying. He decides to sleep since he has to wake up early tomorrow. He sleeps with his back facing Taekwoon. As much as he want to sleep facing him, he knows he will wake up with an empty space next to him the next morning. He doesn’t want to start his morning crying over him. So sleep with his back facing him is the best option.

 

          He kisses his forehead softly, whispering “I love you so much” sincerely though he knows Taekwoon can’t hear it, he’s happy he can’t. He turns to his back happily, happy because Taekwoon is here even for a while. He knows he’s happy because he starts to imagine things. He imagines all of things he will never do with Taekwoon. He knows it’s stupid but it still makes him happy, imaginarily happy. He knows he has taken it too far because he feels Taekwoon is hugging him from his back. He knows that’s something impossible since Taekwoon hates cuddling. But why does it feel so real? He decides to let it go since he’s too tired from the aftermath and lets the sleep takes over him.

 

          He wakes up with empty spot next to him, as expected. But something he didn’t expect was pancake on the table with honey on top. He had expected him crying the next morning, but he didn’t expect it to be crying from happiness. He spends his morning with both tears and smile on his face, and he won’t mind to have this kind of morning everyday.

 

****

 

          Jaehwan gets up from his bed happily. Today is his birthday and it makes him happy. He opens his phone to see one message from Hongbin.

 

          From: Kongie

          Happy birthday. You’re 23 years old now so act like one, okay. I hope you can get yourself a boyfriend soon so I don’t feel guilty when I have a date with Hyukie. Anyway, wish you all the best. I love you.

 

          “That brat. Why am I befriending him again?” Jaehwan says to himself. He decides to reply his message.

 

          To: Kongie

          Yah! I’m still older than you, you ungrateful brat! Thanks tho. I love you too. Let’s meet up after class. I want to treat you something. JUST TWO OF US. WITHOUT SANGHYUK.

 

          Jaehwan sends the message to Hongbin and preparing himself to go to university. Somehow he feels like today is gonna be a great day.

 

          “Where do you want to treat me, hyung?” Hongbin asks Jaehwan while walking out of the class.

 

          “I know this café near my apartment. It’s new but it has delicious cakes and drinks. I tried it yesterday.” Jaehwan answers him excitedly.

 

          “Whom did you go with, hyung?”

 

          “Alone.” Jaehwan says it nonchalantly.

 

          “Oh my God. You must looked so pathetic. Why did you go alone, hyung?”

 

          “I was not, okay. I was fine and I liked it.” Jaehwan gives Hongbin neckchop.

 

          “My dear Jaehwan hyung, I hope you find your other half soon so you won’t be lonely.” Hongbin gives Jaehwan his pity look.

 

          “Yah! I’m not that lonely okay. Plus I’m not interested on dating yet.” Jaehwan hits Hongbin’s hand lightly.

 

          “Ahahahaha~ Okay, I got it.” Hongbin laughs a little. The bestfriends continue their walk to the café. As soon as they arrive at the café, they order their cakes and drinks. They spend their time laughing and chatting with each other. This is such a great day, Jaehwan thinks to himself.

 

          Taekwoon is having a date with his new lover when he spots someone across the street. He can see Jaehwan laughing happily with Hongbin. What are they doing there? Hongbin already has a boyfriend, right? Why do they look so happy? Unconsciously Taekwoon clenches his fist. He’s busy thinking about the bestfriends until someone taps him on his shoulder.

 

          “Hyung, are you okay?” Kyungsoo asks him.

 

          “Uhm. Yeah.” Taekwoon answers him. He plays with the straw of his drink. He’s still thinking about the bestfriends.

 

          “Oh my God!” Kyungsoo says suddenly, making Taekwoon jumps a little bit.

 

          “What the.” Taekwoon curses a bit.

 

          “I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to scare you. Just that I forgot that today is Jaehwan’s birthday.” Kyungsoo apologizes to him. Ah~ So today is his birthday. I didn’t know that. Taekwoon thinks to himself. Taekwoon suddenly rises from his seat, surprising Kyungsoo.

 

          “You know what. I’m so sick of you already. Let’s break up.” Taekwoon says to Kyungsoo coldly. He then goes out from the place without looking back to taken aback Kyungsoo. Taekwoon heads to a bakery to buy cake for him. He buys chocolate palace cake since he knows Jaehwan likes chocolate cake. He’ll visit him again tonight.

 

          Jaehwan is sleeping when he hears his phone rings. He picks up the phone without looking at the caller.

 

          “Hello.” Jaehwan says half asleep.

 

          “Jaehwan.” Jaehwan recognizes that voice immediately.

 

          “Taekwoon hyung? What’s wrong?” Jaehwan asks him.

 

          “Open the door.” Taekwoon tells him. Jaehwan gets up from his bed and heads to the door. He opens the door and sees Taekwoon is standing in front of him with something in his hand. Must be something from his lover.

 

          “What’s wrong, hyung?” Jaehwan asks him once he lets Taekwoon in.

 

          “Nothing.” Taekwoon says nonchalantly.

 

          “Are you sure?” Jaehwan asks him once again.

 

          “Yeah.”

 

          “Okay. Do you want some drink?” Jaehwan walks to the kitchen to prepare drinks for both of them.

 

          “Coffee please.” Taekwoon tells him. He puts the cake on the table. He doesn’t know what to say to Jaehwan about the cake. He doesn’t want to make it obvious that he bought it for him cause he knew today’s his birthday. He’s busy making some excuses that he doesn’t notice Jaehwan’s presence.

 

          “Here, hyung.” Jaehwan’s voice startling him a bit.

 

          “Uh. Thanks.” He sips his coffee. What should he says to him?

 

          “What’s that, hyung?” Jaehwan points to the cake. .

 

          “My friend was opening her bakery today so I bought one from her shop.” Taekwoon is surprised by his lie. Not bad, Taekwoon. Not bad.

 

          “Really?”

 

          “Yeah. Do you want to eat it?” Taekwoon offers him.

 

          “Can I?” Jaehwan’ eyes lit up hearing the words.

 

          “Yeah. The cake is too big for myself.”

 

          “Let me get the plates then.” Jaehwan goes back to the kitchen. Taekwoon is confused with himself. Why did he have to lie to him? Why did he buy him cake? His doing something for someone else is so not him. It’s always been the otherwise, him being spoiled.

 

          “Here. Let’s eat the cake, hyung.” Jaehwan says happily. Taekwoon opens the box to show the cake. Jaehwan’s eyes open wide seeing the cake in front of him.

 

          “Chocolate palace!” He exclaims happily.

 

          “You like it?” Taekwoon asks him as if he didn’t know it.

 

          “I really like chocolate cake.”

 

          “You can have it then.” Taekwoon tells him.

 

          “Huh?”

 

          “Actually I don’t really like chocolate cake.” That’s true. He doesn’t really like sweet things.

 

          “Why did you buy it then?” Jaehwan asks him in disbelieve. His hyung is weird.

 

          “I don’t know. Just have the urge to buy it.” As if.

 

          “You’re unbelievable, hyung.”

 

          “Just eat and shut up.”

 

          “Ahahahaha~ Okay okay.” Jaehwan eats the cake happily. They eat the cake (mostly Jaehwan) while watching movie on TV. They’re eating their cake when Jaehwan says something.

 

          “You know, hyung. Actually today is my birthday.” Jaehwan says shyly. He doesn’t know why he tells Taekwoon that when he knows he doesn’t even care.

 

          “Really? I didn’t know that.” Taekwoon says easily. Liar.

 

          “Yeah.” Jaehwan looks down to his feet.

 

          “Happy birthday then.” Taekwoon says to him.

 

          “Thanks, hyung.” Jaehwan looks up to him with tint of red on his cheeks

 

          “You know what. I want to eat something else.” Taekwoon puts down his plate. He shifts closer to Jaehwan.

 

          “Huh?”

 

          “I want to eat you.” And Taekwoon seals their lips together. Jaehwan thinks that today is indeed a great day.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon and Jaehwan’s relationship continue just like that. Taekwoon, being a casanova, comes to Jaehwan only when he feels like it and Jaehwan, being stupid in love, doesn’t complain about it. Or more like he doesn’t have chance to since Taekwoon never stays. 

 

****

 

          Unlike the usual, today Taekwoon visits Jaehwan at noon. Jaehwan doesn’t question him, more like doesn’t have time to since Taekwoon attacks him once he opens the door. Taekwoon carries Jaehwan to his bed and then locks the door behind them.

 

          Taekwoon rises from the bed, gathering his scattered clothes. He puts his clothes on and then look at himself on the mirror. He looks at his phone to check the time.

 

          “Where are you going, hyung?” Jaehwan asks the same answer yet again.

 

          “I have a date with Yixing.”

         

          Jaehwan bites his lips, contemplating whether he should say it to him or not. In the end, Jaehwan decides to say it to his hyung.

 

          “Hyung.” Jaehwan looks at him with unsteady gaze. He unconsciously plays with the blanket covering his body.

 

          “What is it?” Taekwoon looks at him back.

 

          “Uhm- Can you- Uhm- Can you.” Jaehwan finds it hard to say the words.

 

          “Can you what?” Taekwoon asks him in serious tone.

 

          “I’m sorry.” Jaehwan lowers his head. Taekwoon feels bad seeing this. He didn’t mean it to be that harsh. He’s just excited cause it’s the first time Jaehwan ask him different question

 

          “Look. I’m sorry okay. What do you want to say?” Taekwoon apologizes to him. He looks at him with softer look. Maybe he can finally hear the words he’s been waiting for. Maybe.

 

          “Can you- Uhm- Can you stop- Uhm-” Jaehwan’s grip on his blanket becomes tighter.

 

          “Yes.” Taekwoon slowly walks to the bed.

 

          “Can you stop- Uhm- Stop-” Jaehwan’s breath becomes irregular. His eyes are looking at random direction except Taekwoon’s.

 

          “Yes.” Yes. Say it, Jaehwan. Say it. Tell me to stop it. Say it. Say it.

 

          “Can you stop- Uhm- Stop- Uhm- Stop- STOP WEARING PINK CLOTHES.” Jaehwan screams the last part cause of nervousness. He feels like punching himself for being such a coward.

 

          “What?” Taekwoon is surprised with Jaehwan’s words. That’s so random.

 

          “You know. You have lion-like appearance so pink doesn’t suit you. Ehehehehe~” Jaehwan laughs awkwardly. He’s an idiot for sure.

 

          “You have no right to control what I wear. You’re nothing to me.” Taekwoon is surprised by his own reply. He didn’t mean to say that. He’s not nothing to him.

 

          “Ah. I’m sorry.” Oh, right. They’re just an accident. Jaehwan lays back onto his bed with his back facing Taekwoon. He can feel tears start to form on his eyes.

 

          “Jaehwan.” Taekwoon feels so guilty with his words. He really didn’t mean it.

 

          “Go Taekwoon, hyung. Yixing hyung is waiting for you.” Jaehwan says weakly. Tears on both of his eyes are spilling like a waterfall.

 

          “Jaehwan.” Taekwoon reaches his hand out to Jaehwan.

 

          “Go.”

 

          Taekwoon looks at Jaehwan’s back sadly. He wants to comfort him, hugs him, saying that he didn’t mean it. That’s he’s everything to him. He wants to do that, but he can’t, Yixing is waiting for him. Taekwoon decides to leave Jaehwan without explaining things to him. Truthfully, if Jaehwan tells him to stop going around with boys and girls then he will stop. Like really stop. But Jaehwan never tells him that, so Taekwoon never stops.

 

          Jaehwan cries his heart out once Taekwoon leaves. He knows he’s nothing to him and it hurts, but hearing it directly from Taekwoon’s mouth makes it hurts even more. He knows it already but why does it hurt so much? He knows it already but why do the tears won’t stop flowing? He knows it already but why does he keep on hoping? They’re nothing but accident after all.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon visits him with cake on his hand. Taekwoon says it’s from his noona (It’s a lie though, he doesn’t want Jaehwan to know he bought it for him). He doesn’t want to eat it so he gives it to Jaehwan instead. Jaehwan, being chocolate lover, accepts the offering gladly.

 

          “Why do you go out Hongbin a lot?”

 

          “Cause he’s my bestfriend.” Jaehwan answers him nonchalantly. He eats the cake Taekwoon brings happily.

 

          “But you spend your time with him a lot lately.”

 

          “He’s having a hard time right now, hyung. It’s normal for me to accompany him more. I’m his bestfriend after all. Wait. How did you know that?” Jaehwan stops his eating when he realizes it. How did he know it?

 

          “I- I- ” Taekwoon forgets that Jaehwan and Hongbin spent their time together at Hongbin’s home. He stalked them for days (it’s not that long okay) so of course Taekwoon knew it.

 

          “It’s none of your business.” Taekwoon answers him coldly.

 

          “Mean.” Jaehwan pouts his lips. Taekwoon is just by seeing it. Damn Jaehwan and his plump lips. He inches closer to him.

 

          “Hyung.”

 

          “I’ll show you what real mean is.” And Taekwoon closes the gap between them.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon is sleeping when he hears his bell rings. He checks the clock on the night stand and it says 01.25 AM. Who the hell is visiting him at this time? He gets up annoyed. He opens the door and surprised to see Jaehwan.

 

          “What the hell. What are you doing here, Jaehwan? You know that it’s 1 in the morning, right?” Taekwoon asks him half annoyed. Jaehwan doesn’t answer him though. Instead he walks through him into his apartment.

 

          “Answer me, Jaehwan.” Taekwoon hopes for an answer, but he gets kiss as his answer.

 

          “What the hell.” Taekwoon shoves Jaehwan away. Jaehwan kisses him again and this time Taekwoon doesn’t push him away. He knows he should ask him first but Jaehwan’s lips is his weakness, his entire body is. Taekwoon kisses him back eagerly. He leads them into his bedroom after minutes. Taekwoon knows something is wrong with Jaehwan. The way he responds to him are different. Not to mention his eyes. There’s something in his eyes that Taekwoon can’t figure out. But he decides to brush it off. He thinks that maybe he’s just not in the right mood.

 

          Taekwoon watches as the younger put his clothes on. Ah so he wants to play as “me” today. Taekwoon smiles to himself since he knows there’s nothing wrong with him. He thinks that Jaehwan looks cute while playing as himself. Not bad, Jaehwan. Not bad.

 

          Jaehwan puts his clothes on slowly. Maybe Taekwoon will tell him to stay. Maybe. Maybe. Jaehwan looks at Taekwoon who closes his eyes, starting to sleep.

 

          “Goodnight, hyung.” Jaehwan says softly.

 

          “Hm.” Taekwoon answers him shortly.

 

          Taekwoon smiles to his sleep. It’s the first time Jaehwan came to his apartment to do that with him. It’s weird since usually it’s Taekwoon who comes, not him. But he thinks he can get used to it. It’s not bad actually. He has bigger bed and bigger room so it’s more comfortable for them. He thinks he can ask Jaehwan to come to his apartment next time. He can make excuses so that Jaehwan will come to his apartment or he can use his favorite chocolate cake to bribe him. If it doesn’t work, he can go to his apartment as usual. Jaehwan never leaves him after all.

 

          Jaehwan walks with heavy heart as he steps out of the apartment. He didn’t tell him to stay even it’s morning already. He didn’t even say goodbye to him. Jaehwan looks back to the door. He thinks about the man he loves with all of his heart. He tries to fight the tears threatening to fall. With heavy breath he says his words.

 

          “Goodbye, Taekwoon.”

 

****

 

          Taekwoon wakes up with good feeling the next day. He recalls memory of Jaehwan imitating him last night. He lets out small chuckle remembering it. He gets up from his bed and then takes a shower. He eats his breakfast in a good mood. He finishes his breakfast and then walks to his garage to get on his car. He’s planning on buying Jaehwan his favorite chocolate cake. Taekwoon scans the display as soon as he arrives at the bakery. He spots heart-shaped chocolate cake and decides to buy that. He can tell Jaehwan the cake’s from his confessor. Wait, he can give him flowers too with this excuse. He drives to nearby florist after he purchased the cake. He picks some red roses and then pays them. He drives to Jaehwan’s apartment with smile on his face. Jaehwan will definitely like it.

 

          Taekwoon rings the bell excitedly. He can’t wait to see Jaehwan’s reaction to this. He waits for seconds but the door is still closed. He rings the bell once again but the door is still closed. He rings the bell several times but he gets nothing. Ah, maybe Jaehwan is still sleeping. Taekwoon pulls out his phone from his pocket to call Jaehwan. To his surprise, Jaehwan’s phone is not active. Jaehwan must be tired then. He decides to go back home. He looks at the flowers and cake on his hand. He throws them into the garbage. There’s no use of them anymore. Taekwoon drives back to his apartment with disappointment written on his face.

 

          Taekwoon visits Jaehwan’s apartment again four days after. He doesn’t forget to bring cake and flowers. He’s sure Jaehwan is home since he has nothing to do on the weekend. He can’t wait to see Jaehwan. He purposely comes to his apartment in the morning since he wants to have quality time with Jaehwan. He decides that from now on, he wants to express his real feeling for Jaehwan. No more holding back. He rings the bell happily. He can see the door opening.

 

          “Jaehw-“ Taekwoon can’t finish his sentence since he’s surprised with the person who opens the door. It’s a girl. Don’t tell me.

 

          “Who are you?” The girl asks him.

 

          “Where’s Jaehwan?” Taekwoon asks her back.

 

          “Jaehwan?” The girl tilts her slightly.

 

          “Yes. Where’s he? Is he inside?” Taekwoon tips toes to see the inside.

 

          “Excuse me but I don’t who Jaehwan is.”

 

          “What?”

 

          “I don’t know him.”

 

          “Liar. It’s his apartment so stop lying to me. Jaehwan! Come out! I bring your favorite chocolate cake!” Taekwoon shouts, trying to get Jaehwan’s attention.

 

          “Ah~ Do you mean the previous owner? He moved few days ago and this apartment is mine now. I just moved in today.” The girl explains to him.

 

          “What?” Taekwoon is surprised by the words. What did she say?

 

          “Yeah. He moved out three days ago if I’m not mistaken.”

 

          “Ah. I see. I’m sorry then.” Taekwoon apologizes to her.

 

          “It’s okay. Have a nice day.” The girl then closes the door. Taekwoon is shocked with the news. He didn’t expect it. Why did he move? Why didn’t he tell him? Why? There’re a lot of questions running in his mind. He still can’t believe it. They’re still together few days ago. They still had good time few days ago. Why did he move? Why did he leave him?

 

          Taekwoon tucks his legs near his face, burying his face into them. He can’t believe it. No. This is not true. This is a lie. It’s just a dream. Jaehwan is here. He will never leave him. Never. He tries to call him but the line is off. He throws his phone into the ground. No. This is not true. Taekwoon can’t accept the reality. That Jaehwan is not here. That Jaehwan is gone.

 

          Taekwoon locks himself in his room. Why did he have to leave? Why did he do that? Why did he do that when he finally accepted the fact that he’s fallen for him? Taekwoon keeps on asking himself why. He keeps on asking himself why yet he knows the answers already. It’s simply because of him. If only he treated him well. If only he didn’t use him. If only he was honest to him. If only.... It’s too late for him to change. It’s too late for him to say that he loves him. It’s too late cause Jaehwan is not here. It’s too late cause Jaehwan is gone. And for the first time in Taekwoon’s live, he cries his heart out.

 

****

 

          Taekwoon sits in café while sipping his hot chocolate. He somehow grows used to the sweet taste of chocolate. Maybe cause it reminds him of someone he misses a lot. He scans the café and then he spots someone painfully familiar to him. He gets up and walks to the person’s direction. His heartbeat is getting faster and faster each time he takes his step.

 

          “Jaehwan.” Taekwoon says softly. The said person turns his head as he hears his name being called.

 

          “Taekwoon hyung.” It’s him.

 

          “Hi.” Taekwoon says awkwardly.

 

          “Hi.” Jaehwan answers him back shortly.

 

          “How have you been?”

 

          “Fine.”

 

          “You moved?”

 

          “Yeah.”

 

          “I called you but-“

 

          “I changed my number.”

 

          “Oh.”

 

          “I have to go now. Glad to see you, hyung.” And Jaehwan leaves just like that. Taekwoon can only look at his disappearing back. He wants to say “stay” but he can’t. He wants to tell him how much he missed but he can’t. He wants to hold his hand but he can’t. Jaehwan’s so cold, so cold that it paralyzed him. Without him realizing, the crystalline dews are flowing out from his eyes.

 

****

 

          Jaehwan looks so enchanting that day, not that he never looked like one before, just that today he especially looks so gorgeous. Maybe because today is his wedding day that’s why he looks more beautiful than usual. He looks so breathtaking with his white suit and never ending smile. How does one even do that? Jaehwan is greeting his guests happily when he spots Taekwoon. He waves his hand to him, signaling him to walk closer to him and Taekwoon does as he gestured though he doesn’t really want to. It’s like his body is walking on his own, like his body wants to be near the one he dearly missed. And here he is, standing next to the groom, tantalizing groom.

 

          “Hyung! I’m glad you can make it!” Jaehwan says with his usual loud cheerful voice, something Taekwoon missed for years.

 

          “Yeah.” He answers him shortly. It’s not like he wants to, in fact he has a lot of things to say, a lot that his mouth can only utter that word. I missed you, he wants to at least say that.

 

          “How’s life, hyung?” Jaehwan asks him. Taekwoon looks into his eyes only to regret doing so. Jaehwan’s eyes are shining. They shine so bright that he feels like drowning into those shining eyes. Why does he only realize it now when he had a lot of time to realize that back then?

 

          “So-so.” Taekwoon answers him flatly again. He’s too busy admiring this gorgeous man in front of him to think about words. How can he thinks straight when there’s a heavenly stunning human being, gentle aura omitting from him and with all of his perfectness standing in front of him? How can he does something impossible?

 

          Jaehwan laughs hearing this and Taekwoon’s can’t breathe. His laughter sounds like a Christmas bell and it rings beautifully. How can he steals his breath away just by laughing? It doesn’t make sense. Taekwoon grabs the edge of the table near him. Jaehwan is too much for him to handle. How can he handles his beautiful laughter when his mere presence is enough to make his knees go weak?

 

          “Thanks for coming, hyung. I really appreciate it.” Jaehwan pulls him into sweet hug and Taekwoon’s mind goes blank. The heat radiating from his body is so warm and pacify. Why didn’t he hug him when they’re still together back then? He’s in the middle of enjoying the pleasant hug when he hears someone calling Jaehwan’s name. Jaehwan breaks the hug and Taekwoon feels so lost. He doesn’t want to let go yet. He still wants to feel the warm heat from the man he missed so much. He hears someone calling Jaehwan’s name telling him to get ready since the wedding is starting. Jaehwan gives Taekwoon’s hand soft squeeze before he heads to the room. Taekwoon can see Jaehwan’s back getting farther and farther from him. He reaches out his hand, wanting to keep the beauty near. The beauty’s figure is no longer in his vision and Taekwoon breaks down. No. Don’t go.

 

          Jaehwan looks so dazzling. He keeps on smiling when he sees the bride walking the aisle. He looks so dazzling, heartbreakingly dazzling. Taekwoon wants to look away from him but he can’t, not when this might be the last time he can see his beautiful smile. Jaehwan’s smile is so beautiful, so beautiful that it breaks his heart because he’s not the one who makes him smile.

 

          Taekwoon looks at him bitterly. Back then, he always told Jaehwan that he wanted to marry a good wife-material girl and had 3 children, daughter-daughter-son. He would sing her songs, cook her delicious foods, practically showering her with his love. He would tell him he would have a happy life. Jaehwan, on the other hand, told him that he didn’t want to get married. He said he could never get married because he liked someone he definitely could not have. How irony it is. The one who wanted to have children is still single yet the one who didn’t want to get married is now soon-to-be husband.

 

          He looks at Jaehwan bitterly when he hears someone mumbling in front of him.

 

          “You know, Jaehwan told me he used to love someone he couldn’t have.”

 

          “What do you mean?”

 

          “He said to me that he had been in love this guy for a long time. He said he was someone precious to him. He’s two years older than him. He said he loved this guy so much that it’s okay for him to take advantage of him. He said it’s okay because he could have him all for himself, even it’s from something repulsive. He said it’s okay since he loved him.” Taekwoon’s frozen in his place. His heart beats so fast, he can’t move, he can’t breathe. He’s afraid of what coming out next. He hopes it’s far from what he’s been thinking of. Please, don’t tell me it’s true. Please don’t tell me it’ me.

 

          I, Lee Jaehwan, take you, Park Kyungri, for my lawful wife-

 

          “He said he loved him so much that he cried everyday because of him. He said he couldn’t have him because he didn’t have feeling for him and he’s too perfect for him. He said that he loved him unconditionally, though it’s only one sided love. He said he loved him though he was so cold toward him. He loved him though he’s a casanova. He love him though he didn’t care about him. He loved him though he came to him only to satisfy his needs. He loved him though he said it was an accident. He loved him despite his constant rejection. He loved him so much that it’s okay for him to get hurt because of him. He loved him way too much to care about it. He was so over him that he couldn’t think about anything else.” No. It’s not like that. You got it wrong, Jaehwan.

 

          to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse-

 

          “Jaehwan said that night, if he didn’t leave, if he stayed, he wouldn’t leave him. He would stay with him, forever. He left him because he was hurt, he wasn’t strong enough to bear the pain. He needed an assurance, an answer of what they were, to keep him strong. He needed to know that he’s not nothing. That he’s, at least, someone meaningful to him, even it’s for something stupid and ridiculous. That he’s more than what he’d been thinking of, that’s he’s more than that. That he held someplace in his heart, tiny little place. But he got nothing. That guy left him without telling him what he was to him. Jaehwan was so hurt. He felt like his hearts was being ripped into tiny little pieces until he could feel nothing. In the end, Jaehwan left him because he’s no longer love him.” No. That’s not true. You’re lying. No. That’s not the truth. I loved him. I still love him. No. Stop lying. He means a lot to me. What’re you talking about? Stop lying.

 

          for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health-

 

          “Do you know his name?”

 

          “Yeah.” Jaehwan. No. No. Don’t marry her. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was so stupid. I’m sorry. No. Don’t marry her. No. Lee Jaehwan. No. Don’t say that words. No. Comeback to me. I love you. Jaehwan. Comeback to me. Don’t marry her. Comeback. Comeback to me.

 

          until death do us part.

 

          "His name is Jung Taekwoon." And Taekwoon’s vision turns into black.

 

          They’re not supposed to be like this, they’re supposed to be together. Taekwoon’s supposed to be the one standing beside Jaehwan, not her. If only he stayed. If only he didn’t say that everything was an accident. If only he said he loved him instead of leaving him with no answer. If only he were brave enough to utter the words. If only all of this were just a dream. They’re supposed to be one if only he didn’t freeze his warm heart.