when the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent // 923w // depression tw, alcohol abuse/alcoholism tw

some nights it was harder.

jungkook wished he could just put his earphones in, blare whatever song came on and ignore the sounds of crashing, the sound of taehyung’s body hitting the floor, but he could never bring himself to. he didn’t want to risk taehyung hurting himself and jungkook being unable to hear it.

the door of the bedroom would bang loudly against the wall as taehyung fell into it, nearly stumbling over once again. jungkook was there, always there, to catch taehyung, pulling him as close as he could without hurting him.

they would sit like that on the floor, taehyung sobbing loudly into jungkook’s chest, fingers clutching onto each other as tightly as possible.  the feel of the carpet was so familiar to jungkook by now, the stench of alcohol overpowering his senses.

when the sun rose each morning, taehyung would laugh and smile like he wasn’t tearing himself apart from the inside, like his world wasn’t collapsing around him. he would love jungkook perfectly, always so, so sweet, always so eager to please.

jungkook could still see the cracks in the light of the day, no matter how hard taehyung worked to hide them. he could see the way the elder’s smiles would slip slowly off his face, the way he would sometimes shrink back into himself.

just like clockwork, as soon as the clock stuck seven, taehyung would crumble, grasping around the fridge and cupboards for something, anything, to take an edge off the pain he felt. the cries spilling from his mouth echoed throughout the house and jungkook covered his ears, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block it all out. the sharp pangs in his chest hurt and he just wanted to stop.

he knew taehyung had found nothing the second the front door slammed closed and jungkook found himself on his feet, nearly tripping down the stairs as he ran. he could hear the rain against the window as he slipped into his shoes, pulling his coat on.

it was too dark and the rain was too heavy and Jungkook was so scared for what taehyung could do to himself. the older boy held no regard for his own life, not anymore, but jungkook knew he would never be able to live properly again without taehyung in his life.

maybe that was why his tears were mixing with the rain as his footsteps slapped off the wet pavement, taehyung’s name falling from his lips like a mantra.  jungkook knew of taehyung’s crippling depression before they started to date, knew of the struggle taehyung went through every single day.

he was so stupidly in love with the older boy that he couldn’t bring himself to regret letting taehyung into his life.

he would do it over and over, he realised. he would call out for taehyung in the downpour of late september nights, would cry as many tears as his body would allow, before even considering giving taehyung up.

taehyung was screaming loudly in the middle of a silent play park when jungkook found him, the dim light of the streetlights shadowing his face.

“tae,” jungkook choked out, stepping cautiously towards his lover, tightening the black trench coat around his body, almost like it would hold him together too. “tae, baby.”

taehyung looked completely broken when he caught sight of jungkook, crying in the rain for him, the younger always going out of his way for him.

“jungkookie…” taehyung whimpered, clutching at his head and burying his face into his knees. he sat atop the children’s slide, inching back to put a little more distance between him and jungkook despite the fact that all he wanted was to crawl into the other’s arms.

“taehyung-“ jungkook started, his words cut off by the sob that slipped out. “baby, come home.”

taehyung cried louder, reaching out his hand, reaching for jungkook, lovely jungkook who was always there to pick up his pieces.

“baby, come home,” jungkook repeated, his voice trembling as badly as his body as he stretched up to entwine his fingers with taehyung’s, pulling him down the slide and into his embrace.

taehyung was shaking, twisting his fingers into the front of jungkook’s jacket as the younger pet his hair soothingly, ignoring the fact they were both soaking wet and breaking inside.

“tae, baby, please, please,” jungkook croaked hoarsely into taehyung’s ear, his arms caging the older in protectively. “please, let me help you, please, don’t try deal alone anymore.”

taehyung’s breath caught in his throat as he sniffled. “jungkookie-“

“i love you, i love you so damn much. i can’t bear watching you destroy yourself, tae.”

there were no tears left for taehyung to cry by now. “i- i love you too- too much, jungkookie.” it was hard to create full sentences with the hiccupped sobs tearing from his throat. “i hate- hate doing this to you. i’m- i’m so sorry,  i’m sorry,  i’m sorry, i’m sorry-“

jungkook kissed taehyung hard, cutting off his apologies. he brought his hands up to tangle in the sopping wet hair, feeling the cold rainwater between their lips as they kissed desperately.

taehyung pressed impossibly closer, letting himself be swept up in everything that was jungkook, the sweet taste of his boyfriend bringing fresh tears to his eyes at the warmth in his chest. it had been so long since he had felt anything other than the usual numbness and it made him love jungkook so much more.

“home?” jungkook asked.

taehyung smiled, a real and genuine smile. “home.”

why do i not want them to just.. be happy? why have i been feeling the need lately to destroy taekook in one way or another?? i love them lots and love it most when they're just being weird together, yet here i am, ruining them. why do i do this.

still feel emotionally drained from this and i wrote it a couple days ago. i also posted it on ao3 under lilacflowers so if you saw it there.. yeah