“‘Twas a long time ago, longer now than it seems,

In a place that perhaps you have seen in your dreams;

For the story you are about to be told-”

 

 

    

Seokjin slammed his book shut in frustration. “ing literature,” he mumbled, looking up to the North Seoul tower. Although Seokjin was south of the river, he still felt that he could reach out and touch it. He extended his hand and traced the outline from the bottom up, gently “pricking” his finger at the peak of the tower. 

    

“Ow,” he muttered. He looked around and briefly wondered if he were to pretend to be Sleeping Beauty, would a dashing Prince Phillip come and kiss him out of his slumber? 

    

Seokjin doubted it. He always ended up with the sidekicks. 

  

“Prince Phillip didn’t even have a sidekick.” Seokjin rolled his eyes and stood from the park bench, taking one last look at the northern half of the city and all it’s skylit glory before turning around and heading back to his apartment. 

    

Seokjin kept his head down and his headphones in, letting his feet make their routine trip home. He was just over halfway there when he realized:
 

 

My book is still in the park. 

 

 

Seokjin let out a string of profanities as he turned around and began trekking back from whence he came, but he had only taken a few steps before a stray cat popped out of a bush, streaking across his path and darting into an alley not three metres ahead.

    

“The hell...” Seokjin muttered and kept walking. As soon as he was parallel to the alley a large CRASH came from the dumpster inside. He pulled his headphones out and paused, waiting to see if more commotion would ensue. He heard scratching and garbled noises that sounded like an animal in need, and Seokjin being the animal lover he was, couldn’t help but feel the need to investigate. He cautiously approached the large dumpster and stood on his tiptopes to peer inside. The container was empty save for a light brown, almond-coloured cat that was meowing furiously while trying to escape the confines of the metal bin. It was the same cat that had cut across his path not minutes before, and Seokjin instinctively reached down to try and help the animal. But instincts are in even the simplest of creatures, and as Seokjin hoisted himself to balance his pelvis on the edge of the dumpster, the almond cat almost seemed to grin as he hissed and backed away from the human’s outstretched hand. Seokjin tutted and hoisted himself higher so he could reach in farther, but he overestimated his balancing abilities and before he knew it he had tumbled headfirst into the large bin, the lid unhooking itself and coming down with a reverberating thud.

  

“SON OF A !” Seokjin cursed, rubbing the top of his head and the back of his neck. And his lower spine. And his crotch. Just in case. From outside the dumpster Seokjin heard a low voice snickering. “That’s what you get for following a cat, .”

 

Seokjin pressed the dumpster lid up and back, turning around to see who had spoken. He frowned deeply when he saw a white rabbit leaning against the opposite wall. He was rocking a black $wag beanie, a black Parental Advisory: Explicit Content t-shirt with a black leather jacket over top, and far too many gold chains to count. Seokjin also took notice that one of the rabbit’s ears was pierced, a silver safety pin dangling off the top of of his seemingly permanently-bent ear. Seokjin continued to frown at the rabbit, and the rabbit stared back lazily, pulling a pocket-watch out of the inside of his jacket. He glanced briefly at the time and hissed aloud.

    

“, I’m late. Hatter’s gonna kill me.”

    

“Late for what?” Seokjin couldn’t help but ask. The rabbit looked back at the human and smirked. “Cee time.”

  

 “Cee- what?”

    

“Do I sound like a Seoul kid to you?” The rabbit snapped. Now that he pointed it out, Seokjin noticed a rather strong accent. “Forget it,” the rabbit continued, and Seokjin could now clearly hear the satoori. He shot one last look at the human and sauntered off, turning left as he exited the alleyway. 

    

“The hell...” Seokjin rubbed his head again as he hauled himself out of the garbage bin. It wasn’t until he hit the ground that he realized he was now in a very pink, very lolita-style dress, a little white apron draping the front from his waist down. 

    

“Couldn’t have made it a bit longer,” Seokjin pulled at the hem in an attempt to cover more of his thighs. He was going to freeze in this. More accurately, his balls were going to freeze in this. And of course, today of all days, he decided not to wear underwear. 

    

Seokjin hiked up his lacy white knee socks and shuffled out of the alley, his hands continuously tugging at the hem of his dress. He looked all around but there was no one in sight- a small miracle. He began retracing his steps once more to retrieve his stupid literature textbook, and it wasn’t until he came to a dead end that he realized he was lost. Seokjin blinked in confusion; he could have sworn this wasn’t here before. He looked to his right- the river was still there. He looked behind him- the bike path stretched endlessly, following the flowing water in a parallel line out of Seokjin’s eyesight. He looked in front of him- wall. 

    

What the hell man? 

  

It wasn’t until Seokjin heard chuckling near his feet that he looked down to discover a very tiny door. Trying his best not to flash too much of his groin, Seokjin squatted to the door’s level. 

    

“Don’t even think about trying to open me you y crossdresser.” The door shot splinters with his eyes and sniffed in distaste. 

    

“I have to get my book-” Seokjin started to protest but was cut off.

   

“I don’t care, there’s only one thing that goes into my hole and you’re definitely not him.” The door smirked.  

   

“So what do I do?” Seokjin stood and looked around. He could feel himself starting to cry.

    

“OH NO DON’T CRY!” The door looked up and quickly looked away in panic and embarrassment. “The last chick who did that cried so much she flooded the Han river! Just check your cleavage!” 

    

Seokjin pouted but did as he was told. Unbeknownst to him, there was a small piece of cake and an even smaller key snuggled tightly in the bosom outline of his dress. He pulled out both items and squinted intently, trying to decipher the smudged writing on the tiny pastry.

    

“E...eat....me....”

    

The door snickered. “That’s what they all say.”

    

Seokjin obediently popped the pastry in his mouth and smacked his lips together a couple of times. Mine’s better, he thought. He turned his attention downwards to focus on the sassy little door-

    

-Only to realize they were face to face.

    

“And you’re now,” the door spoke Seokjin’s next thought and Seokjin sighed in exasperation. “There’d better be a walk-in closet or something on the other side of you.” Seokjin the key into the door (kindly ignoring its moan and backhanded comment about how he likes it rough) and shimmied his way in. Gods be praised, Seokjin found himself in a wardrobe worthy of his presence. He was surrounded with dresses of various colours and styles, and he took his time browsing for the one he knew he would look the cutest in. He decided to step out of his comfort zone and went for a very harajuku-style dress that thankfully was knee length. Officially declaring himself Hime Seokjin Alice, he searched everywhere for a mirror but the only one he found insisted on talking to him in rhymes about some ulzzang chick named Snow White. 

    

Seokjin Alice found another door far off to the left of the room and opened it, only to be greeted into a forest with four paths leading in different directions. He looked to the wooden post that stood in the middle for help but the signs were all in Korean.

    

 

.

    

 

Seokjin Alice put his hands on his hips in frustration. He stared at the wooden post again and scrunched up his nose. It was then the cheshire cat apparated, his grin as big as his face and his tail swinging casually as he perched himself on the centre of the pole.

    

“YOU!” Seokjin Alice recognized the almond colour immediately. “THIS IS YOUR FAULT! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

    

Seokjin Alice rushed to the pole and began shaking it violently in an attempt to make the animal fall. The cheshire cat merely put on an expression of mock hurt and surprise and began disintegrating before the princess’s eyes. But before he vanished completely the cat solidified himself again, this time standing on his hind legs on top of the post, and he grinned wildly as he used the pole’s rocking motions to wave his body side to side while the flowers around Seokjin Alice burst into a harmonized chorus of “Touch My Body~!” Seokjin Alice released the pole and the cat floated gracefully to the ground, shaking his as he walked away, the song of the flowers fading with his departure. Seokjin Alice knew he should have chased after him, but now he was too preoccupied trying to figure out just how the hell one shakes their like that. After many failed attempts- because let’s face it, Seokjin Alice was not a cat- he muttered a quiet “ it” to himself and took off down a different route.  

    

It wasn’t long before Seokjin Alice was lost yet again, and at this point he had to stop and take a breather. He was glad he decided on the platform shoes rather than the high heels, otherwise things would have been veeeeeeery difficult. The princess plopped himself on a mushroom and sighed loudly. 

    

“And just who is thissssssssss?”

    

Seokjin Alice jolted upright and searched for the owner of the voice. Overhead, wrapped seamlessly in the pine tree, a thick, slimy, aqua-coloured snake coiled himself around the branch directly above Seokjin Alice and lowered his upper half so he was eye level with the human. Seokjin Alice noticed then that the snake had large green irises and dollar signs for pupils, and the longer Seokjin Alice stared into them the more fixated he became. It entranced Seokjin Alice to watch as the dollar signs seemed to dilate, growing larger and larger as the snake smacked his lips in satisfaction.

    

“Such a pretty faccceeeeee,” the snake hissed, his tongue flicking out and tickling the princess on the nose. He giggled cutely and the snake chuckled along, the dollar signs dilating even more. “Yessssss,” he hissed again, “you’re going to make me sssssuch a fortune...” 

    

The snake began to sing. 

    

“Trussssst in me, jusssst in me...”

    

The snake lowered his body onto the mushroom and slid himself so he was wrapped around Seokjin Alice’s lower back- but given the size that he was right now, he was basically resting his entire spine on the snake’s midsection. The snake slipped his head underneath Seokjin Alice’s arm and returned his eyes to the human’s glassy stare. He used his bottom half to pluck one of the pine needles off of the tree, and once it was in front of Seokjin Alice’s face, the needle vibrated rapidly before splitting itself down the middle to reveal a blank piece of paper hidden inside. The snake left it to float in midair as he plucked another needle from the tree, instructing Seokjin Alice to hold up his hand. The princess obliged, and the snake pricked his index finger, droplets of blood forming quickly. The snake grinned widely, his venomous fangs exposed. “Jussst sssssign here...”

    

Seokjin Alice extended his finger obediently, and just as he was about to connect with the parchment, an arrow shot right through the centre of the paper and brought it streaking to the ground. The snake looked up in alarm as five men in animal onsies came swinging down from the branches of the tree overhead with Peter Pan Yongguk leading the charge. He hovered in front of the slimy snake and the still-hypnotized Seokjin Alice, his eyes firey. He signaled to his lost boys and they quickly got to work: Himchan the raccoon and Jongup the skunk took turns tugging at the snake’s tail; Youngjae the bunny bit and poked and prodded at the snake’s body, stretching its skin while Zelo the fox dug his fingers in the snake’s nostrils and made large circular motions. The most that Daehyun the teddy bear did was laze his body across the snake’s body and fall asleep, preventing the creature from going anywhere. Peter Pan Yongguk swooped in then, scooping the princess under one arm and pinching his ever so lightly to bring him out of his daze. Seokjin Alice snapped to attention and smirked openly when he realized the position he was in. He smirked even wider when he realized his rescuer was in a french maid’s outfit. 

    

“Kaa Tae Song!” Peter Pan Yongguk’s cave voice rocked Seokjin to his core, and then rocked something a little below his core, and Seokjin Alice was thankful for the dress he’d chosen. At least the poof would keep things....inconspicuous. 

  

“You are hereby charged with kidnapping, enslavement, human trafficking, child abuse, embezzlement, money laundering, and being an overall dickwad.” The lost boys cheered and continued to harass the serpent as Peter Pan Yongguk continued. “Are you prepared to face the consequences?”

    

Kaa Tae Sung protested vehemently, hissing and sputtering some nonsense about a third party hypnotizing him and controlling his actions. Peter Pan Yongguk rolled his eyes and snipped, “Look, if you’re going to plagiarize SM’s statement at least give the credit where it’s due.” 

    

Seokjin Alice couldn’t help but let out an “oooooohhhh guuuurrrrrrrrrl!” as the dollar signs in the serpent’s eyes shrank. Off in the distance, the sound of footsteps could be detected, as well as a unified but indistinguishable chant. Peter Pan Yongguk smiled mischievously, and the lost boys mirrored his expression. 

    

“You hear that, Tae Song? That’s the fandom.” Peter Pan Yongguk grinned wider as the snake’s dollar signs disappeared completely. “They’re coming for you~”

    

“OI!”

“Get out of here!”

“All of you!”

“This isn’t even your fairy tale!”

    

Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber A.K.A the ’95 line were perched on a log not far from where all the action was happening, lollipops in both their mouths which they would occasionally swap. Peter Pan Yongguk scowled and dropped Seokjin Alice, his dress swishing with his body as he turned to address the derps. 

    

“You couldn’t at least let the BABYs come and take care of this before you decided to interrupt?”

    

Both boys laughed hysterically, so much so that they fell backwards off their log. Tweedledumber let out a small “Ow!” before poking his face back up over the log. He grinned cheekily at Peter Pan Yongguk and was about to reply before catching sight of the now-conscious teddy bear Daehyun. His eyes widened as he scrambled over to the animal, pressing his face right against the other to make sure he was real. Tweedledumber had never seen his own face before, but something about this teddy bear seemed awfully familiar....

    

Meanwhile, Tweedledumb casually kipped himself up from his position and directed his stare to the floating maid, the greasiest smirk Seokjin Alice had ever seen plastered on his face. 

    

“Are you kidding?” he scoffed. “Do you really think things like this can get cleared up so quickly?” He tutted and shook his head. “It’s never that easy my friend. Look at Krispunzel and Luhanderella: It’s been years since they moved to Pixar but they’re still technically locked into their slave contracts with Lee Soo Disney.”

    

Peter Pan Yongguk frowned. “Very well,” he stated finally, “we’ll get out of your story. But this isn’t over Kaa!” He turned and pointed a well-manicured nail at the serpent. “The next time we end up together in a fanfiction, there will be justice! We’ll- we’ll tie you in knots and cut off your tongue!” The other boys cheered wildly at the prospect. “You’ll never be able to tell lies and manipulate people ever again! Because after all:

    

 

 

“Silence is better than bull.”

    

 

And with those as his parting words, Peter Pan Yongguk let out an eargasmic “CHYEAH” before he soared off into the distance, his crew chasing wildly after him either on foot or in the trees, save for teddy bear Daehyun who was being snuggled and played with by Tweedledumber as if he really were a real teddy bear. 

    

“Yah, get off him!” Tweedledumb scolded. “You know the only person you’re allowed to be skin-shippy with is me.”

    

Tweedledumber pouted and released the pigtails he had made with teddy bear Daehyun’s hair. The latter took this as an opportunity to roll off the mushroom and begin following in his friend’s footsteps. He didn’t manage much distance before he stopped and turned to face Seokjin Alice, who had clearly been forgotten in this whole ordeal. 

    

“Right,” the teddy bear muttered. His voice was deep like Peter Pan Yongguk’s, but his words were so strange Seokjin Alice couldn’t understand a word that came out of his mouth. 

    

“One half makes you shrink and the other half....doesn’t.” He furrowed his brow, trying to remember the proper wording. “Something like that. This isn’t my story so I’m a little fuzzy on the details. Sorry.” He pointed to the mushroom once before turning around and lumbering off.

    

“What did he say?” Seokjin Alice looked up at the not-at-all identical boys. 

    

“He wants you to take drugs!”

“Essentially.”

“Mushrooms-”

“-to be precise.”

“ Because one half takes you up-”

“-And the other half brings you down.”

    

Both boys giggled and tore off pieces of the mushroom, and it was then Seokjin Alice saw just how identical they could be, giving him a double dose of their devilish grins and playful demeanor as they leered over him and offered their piece of the fungus.

    

“Whatever happened to ‘just say no?’” the princess mumbled, taking the mushroom chunks and storing them in his pockets. He was about to ask the derps where the exit was from this god-forsaken forest, but they had quickly begun a game of “strip-n-seek,” wherein they strip each other down and seek for the areas that evoke the best reaction, whether it be moans, giggles, or sighs of satisfaction. Seokjin Alice blanched at the sight and took off down the path once more.

    

It wasn’t until he hitched a ride on the back of a fire ant that Seokjin Alice realized he was still Polly Pocket size. He took out the pieces of mushrooms and stared at them intently before taking a bite of the one in his left hand. Seokjin Alice shot up like a heroin addict, his torso now parallel to the top of the trees. His dress was shredded and he cursed internally; he had hoped that he would be able to add it to his collection once he got back home. He scanned the treetops and saw what looked like fumes curling upwards and evaporating into the air. He could also feel the faintest vibrations in the soles of his feet. Seokjin Alice took all of four steps before he reached the source of the smoke, but when he looked down all he could see was an even thicker layer of clouds. Still holding onto the mushroom chunks, he popped the one in his right hand into his mouth, the drum beats working their way through Seokjin Alice’s body as he returned to his normal size. He waved the smoke out of his face and advanced cautiously. It wasn’t until he bumped into a large Narnia-style wardrobe with security scrawled across its doors that Seokjin Alice realized he had stumbled upon some kind of club. 

    

The wardrobe scanned Seokjin Alice shamelessly before speaking. 

    

“Where do you think you’re going, kid?”

    

The princess blinked. “Me? I- I just want to...” Seokjin Alice stopped. He did want to retrieve his book and go home, but there was something incredibly enticing about what lay beyond the other side of the wardrobe. Judging from the repeated OOHHHs and the occasional say what?! it sounded like there was some kind of competition going on. Seokjin Alice addressed the wardrobe again. 

    

“I’m going to that.” Seokjin Alice nodded his head in the direction of the noises. The wardrobe’s eyes widened to comical proportions before its doors flew open in a fit of laughter. “Nice try kid, but I don’t think so.” 

    

Seokjin Alice put his hands on his hips and was about to start protesting when a chipper voice behind him said, “Don’t worry, he’s with me!”

    

Seokjin Alice turned to see the almond cat floating in the haze of smoke, his eyes crescent moons as he grinned widely. Seokjin Alice was about to protest yet again, but before the words could leave his lips the almond cat shoved his tail into the princess’s mouth and brought his still-grinning face right next to his ear.

    

“If you want in don’t say a word and follow my lead.” The cat Seokjin Alice’s face from jawline to temple and turned to face the wardrobe. “He’s the unbirthday un-stripper tonight.” 

  

Seokjin Alice’s eyes widened. Finally, he thought. My big break! 

    

The wardrobe security scanned him again. “He doesn’t look like an un-stripper.”

    

“Oh come now,” the cat crooned. “With a face like this, think of all the os he hasn’t been in.” The cat rubbed his head against the side of Seokjin Alice’s face and purred loudly. 

    

“He’s not dressed like the other un-strippers you bring here.”

    

“That’s because those people are strippers you dense piece of furniture.” This time the cat’s grin was sly as he removed his tail from Seokjin Alice’s mouth and padded over to the wardrobe, rubbing his body along one of its mahogany legs. “Just dress him in whatever you’ve got and let us in, and I won’t tell anyone how you sent the Pevensie children to Simba instead of Aslan.” 

    

The wardrobe’s eyes widened as the cat looked up and flashed his signature grin, disappearing momentarily and reappearing behind Seokjin Alice, his paws ushering him forward into the now-open doors of the furniture security. They shut behind him quickly  as a new set of doors opened in front of him and the smoke lifted, allowing Seokjin Alice to see clearly for the first time.

    

“EVERYBODY HOOOOLD UUUUUUUP!”

    

The action stopped instantly as two pairs of eyes swiveled to address the newcomer. Seokjin Alice noticed the white rabbit first, although he had now dyed the tuft of hair between his ears bright orange. A black bandana was wrapped around his head, he had switched his leather jacket for a college-style varsity one, and a black Obey shirt peeked out from underneath. He still had too many gold chains to count, and Seokjin Alice noticed that the number of piercings in his bent ear had increased. 

    

“What do we have here?” 

    

Seokjin Alice turned his attention to the newest character. Thankfully this one was at least human. He was slightly taller than the princess, with platinum blonde hair, white-framed sunglasses, pants that were too short, and a ridiculous black bucket hat with 10/6 stitched into the side. The human swaggered over to the princess and did that thing that most hip hop/rap artists do when they check out a woman in a music video, where they lean back and casually nod their head while rocking slightly from right to left as they look her up and down with that “hey lil’ mama, how you doin’?” expression. He even went so far as to bite his bottom lip and smirk, flashing his dimples at Seokjin Alice, who was not having it until he saw the indentations on the other’s face, at which point he felt his testicle-shriveling leather pants tighten a little more. Needing no further invitation, Seokjin Alice put his wrists together and formed a V with his hands, resting his chin in between as he said, “I’m the unbirthday un-stripper!” 

    

The human grinned widely then, draping his arm around Seokjin Alice and leading him towards the white rabbit. 

  

“Not a moment too soon!” the human said. “We’re about to have Cee time.” 

    

Taking up his cue, the white rabbit pulled a microphone from out of his jacket pocket and passed it to the the other. Seokjin Alice glanced at the rabbit and couldn’t help but ask, “Aren’t you supposed to be a different rabbit? Or a different colour at least?” 

    

The rabbit scoffed and pointed to the orange tuft on top of his head, stating in a very isn’t-it-obvious tone, “Comeback hair.” 

    

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

 

 

“Mousie.”

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

 

 

 

“Mousie.”

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mousiemousiemousiemousie-”

    

 

 

“WHAT?!”

    

 

Seokjin Alice barely had time to register that a saucer was flying his way before it smacked him square in the face. He cursed out loud and attempted to bend over (it’s hard in leather pants okay) to retrieve the object, ready to fling it back full force. He looked towards the dining table (how did he just notice that was there?) and saw a Mickey-sized, baby-faced, reddish-coloured dormouse glaring over at the trio. 

    

“Play the music,” the rabbit ordered. “It’s Cee time!”

    

Seokjin Alice stared in amazement as those simple words brought forth an onslaught of hurled porcelain.

    

“THERE’S- NO- POINT- YOU- - ANY- WAY- JUST- LET- ME- SLEEP!”

    

The little mouse’s chest heaved as he sniffled repeatedly, his fingers wiggling in anticipation, waiting for another excuse to fire the remaining dishes. The other two went unfazed, occasionally picking up the teacups and finishing the contents. The human gave a knowing look to the rabbit, who merely shrugged. The human then turned to the dormouse. “You want in?”

    

 

 

 

Round two.

    

 

 

 

“NO!! I DON’T- WANT- IN- ON YOUR- STUPID- CEE- TIME- I-” 

    

 

 

A gentle tsking sound stopped the dormouse mid-fire. 

    

“My my, our little one has quite the temper, doesn’t he?” The almond cat transmogrified himself into his regular shape from the teapot currently in the dormouse’s hand. “What have you been doing to make him so mad, Hatter?”

    

“Cheshire hyung!” The dormouse perked up instantly and locked his arms around the cat’s neck.

    

“Yah, get off him! You know the only person you’re allowed to be skin-shippy with is me!” 

“Oi, no he’s not, that’s my job!”

“No it’s not you weirdo.”

“But it is cause you said it was!”

“Contrarywise now it’s not cause I said it wasn’t.”

    

 

Tweedledumb pushed his twin off the chair and ran to the other end of the table, trying his best to get the dormouse’s attention. Tweedledumber pouted cutely while muttering the chorus from Danger as he pulled his hood over his head and walked towards the Hatter, taking the mic and signaling to start the music. The Hatter cheered loudly and hit play, but when Someone Like You began blasting through the speakers he switched it off faster than he started it.

    

“Yah, what are you doing?” The Hatter snatched the mic from the twin and scowled. “This is Cee time, not tea time!” 

    

“This is why we don’t allow minors.” The rabbit rolled his eyes and took a sip of his Red Bull. “I don’t know how you got past that oversized closet, but if you wanna sing something like that go to a karaoke bar. This is where the big kids play.” And with that the rabbit hit the music player once more, the opening beats to Cypher: Pt.2 rattling Seokjin Alice’s teeth violently. The others gathered quickly in anticipation for the show, Tweedledumb still begging the dormouse to look at him while the latter chucked various pastries at him with his eyes closed. 

    

Before Cee time could get into full swing, however, the stereo system was cut off. Everyone protested vehemently and demanded to know what was going on. It was then Hermes appeared, one hand on his toga-covered hip as he swung the cable he had just disconnected. He sniffed once and dropped the cord, adjusting his John Lennon glasses in a very diva-like fashion before sashaying his way over to the group.

    

“So sorry to interrupt your little party ladies, but-”

    

“Does this look like a party to you?” The rabbit scowled at the same time Tweedledumb scoffed at the “ladies” remark. Tweedledumber giggled and posed shyly, for which the dormouse smacked him in the back of the head. The Hatter looked at the cheshire cat who only grinned and began dancing Touch My Body. The Hatter looked at Seokjin Alice and rolled his eyes, clearly not wanting to live on this planet anymore. Hermes, unfazed by all this, patted the rabbit and proceeded to use him as a resting post, propping himself on his hand atop the animal’s orange crop. “Nice to see you’re just as sassy as ever my little friend.

    

“As I was saying, I hate to interrupt your little party, because as I’m sure we all know I am the Greek God of parties, but sadly I’m here on other business. 

    

“His royal majesty Queen B-Free has requested-”

    

As soon as he said the name, all people and animals present began objecting loudly. The dormouse threw plates with renewed vigor. Seokjin Alice ducked from all the commotion, but Hermes simply yawned and floated upwards, the wings on his shoes and helmet fluttering rapidly as the face of the cheshire cat appeared beside him. Hermes looked down at the others and tutted. “Reminds me of the time Hercules got caught cheating on Enyo with Aphrodite. Mount Olympus was pretty much destroyed once she was finished with that guy. I mean, I get that it’s Aphrodite and all, but really, who in their right mind cheats on the goddess of war?” Hermes tutted again and the cheshire cat shook his head sadly. It was then a rather large teacup collided with Hermes’ torso, and the messenger wheezed as he was propelled backwards, colliding with one of the speakers.     

    

“Who does this smurf think he is crashing Cee time to talk to us about the Queen?”

    

Hermes stiffened and put his hands on his hips, looking down with his eyebrows raised in a very oh-no-you-didn’t kind of way. “Alright look here junior,” he started. “I was animated long before the smurfs became big okay? If anything they copied me, and I don’t really appreciate your mousy little attitude right now. That’s a lot of sass to be coming out of someone I can shove into a tea kettle, dontcha think?”

    

The dormouse glared and sniffled repeatedly, but the Hatter intervened, addressing Hermes as he readjusted his toga. “What does he want?”

    

Hermes shrugged flippantly. “I don’t know, I’m just the messenger, it’s not like they tell me all the details.” He grinned slyly and wiggled his eyebrows. “I get to figure those out myself.

    

“You’re already late because for some reason the clock in the palace is two days slow, so I’d hurry it up if I were you. Oh,” he pointed at Seokjin Alice, who blushed brightly, “and bring the rookie. I like his style.” He blew kisses over his shoulder as he began his ascension. “Ciao bellas!”

    

Everyone around Seokjin Alice grumbled and cursed. Clearly this Queen B-Free was not someone they enjoyed.

    

“Um, so...who exactly is this queen?”

    

“Oh!” The cat exclaimed excitedly, his grin wider than ever. “You don’t know~! Allow me to demonstrate.” 

    

Seokjin Alice could see that he was about to start transforming himself, but a quick cough from the Hatter stopped him. “We don’t have time. He’s going to see what the Queen looks like soon enough.” He addressed the rest of the crew. “Let’s go everyone!” 

    

“How are we going to get there?” Seokjin Alice couldn’t help but ask. The Hatter grinned mischievously, his dimples flashing themselves once more.

“Well, some people go this way.” He pointed to his left.

  

“Some people go that way,” the cat said, one of his paws appearing to hitch a thumb to the right.

    

“We generally go by flying carpet, but somebody gave it to some punk kid in exchange for a reading lamp.” The rabbit shot daggers at the twins, who pointed to each other in unison. The animal rolled his eyes and muttered, “not even smart enough to get the lamp with the genie.” 

    

“But as for me, myself, personally,” the Hatter walked to the table and stood in the centre. “I prefer the shortcut.” He motioned to the dormouse. “Pull the lever, Mousie!”

    

The dormouse yanked on a rather large red lever (okay really, how does Seokjin Alice not notice these things?) and the Hatter disappeared through the table, materializing again through the doors of the wardrobe security, dripping from head to toe in water as a cheery crocodile clamped onto his trench coat.

    

“Wrong lever,” he grumbled, kicking the crocodile off him while the rest of the crew laughed hysterically. “Why do we even have that lever?!” he continued to whine, and even Seokjin Alice couldn’t help but giggle. The Hatter scowled and pulled down on a tree branch, a large drawbridge unfolding from the trunk. Seokjin Alice’s eyes widened in surprise as he could see a black hedge-lined path leading to a castle off in the distance. The group begrudgingly filed through the tree, the Hatter ushering in the princess before him as he took up the rear.

    

Once on the other side, everyone grew extremely quiet, and it was unsettling for Seokjin Alice. Upon getting closer to the hedge, Seokjin Alice could see that the shrubs were not actually made of leaves, but were instead composed of thorns, and the thorns themselves were individual words or small sentences.

    

 

 

Fake.

Talentless.    

Sell-out.

    

 

 

“Netizen comments,” the Hatter whispered, and Seokjin Alice shuddered, looking down at the long thorn-hedge in front of them. “Is it all like this?”

    

The Hatter nodded. “The whole maze is made up of them. The trees and roses are taken from blog rants and strings of cafe arguments.” 

    

Seokjin Alice shuddered again. “How big is the maze?”

    

The Hatter shook his head. “No one knows.”

    

 

They reached the castle entrance where Hermes was pacing back and forth impatiently, fanning himself in an attempt to calm down. When he saw the group of characters he exhaled loudly. 

    

“About time,” he snipped, but no one paid attention to him. They continued to march forward, unconsciously forming one line, with Seokjin Alice between Tweedledumber and the Hatter. Seokjin Alice scanned their faces- each member’s expression was grim but determined. Suddenly the princess felt a pang of unease in his stomach, and he knew the forthcoming events would not be pleasant. 

    

They continued walking, and Seokjin Alice noticed that there were no walls on either side of them anymore. All he could see was the large red carpet they were walking on, and a large block of gold just ahead of them. 

    

The crew of characters stopped suddenly, and Seokjin Alice tilted his head upwards to the elevated platform. Sitting on the block of gold- which turned out to be a very large, very pimped out throne- was who he could only assume to be Queen B-Free. The queen was really nothing special, at least not as far as Seokjin Alice could tell. He sat on his throne the way most gangsters sit in chairs: slouched, legs wide open, head tilted to one side as his hand and his hook hung limply from the end of the armrests. Seokjin Alice frowned slightly, not digging the cocky vibe the queen was exuding.

    

Hermes hovered a few feet in front of the group as he began to address the royal.

    

“Your majesty,” he paused to bow before turning to face the crew. “Members of the interweb, his royal highness Queen B-Free has gathered you here today to witness the immediate execution of the Hatter and the white rabbit.”

    

Whispers floated from all around Seokjin Alice and he looked in alarm, but everything around him was black; the only things he saw was the queen on his throne, Hermes with his case file, and his new friends with their brave faces. So where were the noises coming from? 

    

“Netizens,” the Hatter murmured just loud enough for Seokjin Alice to hear. The princess slid his eyes again to the vast darkness on his left and right, fear gripping him a little more with the thought of all these concealed, faceless strangers watching him. 

    

“They have been charged with selling out from the Underground-land scene, labelling their rap albums as hip hop albums, and contradicting themselves by claiming to be uncomfortable with certain aspects of the Wonderland lifestyle, i.e. smoky eye make-up, yet continuing to dress as females and demascluinize the image of hip hop for the sake of profit.”

    

The whispers were louder now, and from the blackness Seokjin Alice could hear an abundance of fingers on keys and lenses being adjusted. He glanced down ever so slightly as he felt something brush against his fingers. Tweedledumber kept his eyes on the Queen but slipped his hand into Seokjin Alice’s, gulping quietly as he did so. The princess squeezed the other’s hand gently and returned his eyes forward. 

    

“Bring forth the accused!” 

    

The Hatter and the white rabbit stepped out of line with their heads bowed. Seokjin Alice felt his heart twist in his chest as Queen B-Free leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees and running his tongue over the grillz on his teeth as he calmly declared, “Off with their heads, yo.”

    

The whispers were now full on shouts and Seokjin Alice stared in horror as mysterious shapes began forming from the blackness, reaching out towards the two helpless characters. Tweedledumber’s grip tightened in the princess’s hand and he heard a sob come from one of the other two. Seokjin Alice panicked. Surely there was something, something he could do to stop this madness. So the princess did the only thing he could.

    

He sang.

    

 

 

“Have you ever heard the fans scream when you do aegyo?

    Or been on Weekly Idol when you’re ill?

    Could you keep up with promotions if you had to?

    Would you be able to live the lifestyle that they live? 

    You can judge these guys and still, all you can do is judge until

    You can say you’ve lived the lifestyle that they live.”

    

 

 

Everyone froze. Everything was quiet. No one moved. Seokjin Alice tried to minimize the sound of his breathing. He hadn’t belted like that in a long time.

    

Queen B-Free slowly removed his sunglasses and furrowed his brow at Seokjin Alice, whose heart was beating so loudly he was sure the Queen could hear it from where he was seated. The Queen made that “come hither” motion with two fingers, and Seokjin Alice gently released his grip on Tweedledumber as he joined the Hatter and the rabbit ahead of the others. The Queen nodded at Seokjin Alice with his chin. “Who are you?”

    

Seokjin Alice gulped. “Hime Seokjin Alice, your majesty.” He bowed deeply. 

    

“Hime, huh?” The Queen’s scrutiny intensified. “You look like someone straight outta Fruits Basket or something.” Seokjin blushed at the compliment. The Queen tutted and waved a dismissive hand. “Off with his head too. Shame such a pretty face has got to go to waste- oh that’s good.” The Queen pointed at Hermes. “Write that down.”

    

Well that backfired, Seokjin Alice thought as the dark figures began reaching out once more. The sounds of the fingers and lenses became more furious, and Seokjin Alice looked frantically between the Hatter and the rabbit, both of whom appeared resigned to their fates. 

    

“Might I proffer a little....suggestion?”

    

The voice came from underneath him. Seokjin Alice looked down between his legs to see the cheshire cat lounging on his back, a small shot glass with the words Drink Me etched into it. The cat grinned as Seokjin Alice swiped the glass from his paws and tossed back the contents. Whatever it was was powerful enough to make Seokjin Alice’s brain go fuzzy instantly, and it also turned him into a giant, much like the mushroom piece had. The action froze again and Queen B-Free craned his neck at the mile-high princess in front of him.

    

“Alright,” Seokjin Alice slurred, pointing a woozy finger at the royal. “Listen up you pompous, overheated, egotistical bully! I don’t know what you’re deal is but I think it’s...time...you...oh boy.”

    

Seokjin Alice gulped audibly as he realized he was fully sober but back to his original size. Queen B-Free put his sunglasses back on and roared, “KILL THEM!” 

    

 

 

“RUN!” 

    

 

 

 

 

Everyone scattered in a flurry of motion as shapes began detaching themselves from the darkness and pursued the fleeing crew. Seokjin Alice panicked as he noticed the hedges were taller than when he’d gone in- how were they ever going to find their way out? 

    

“Which way do we go?” Seokjin Alice asked breathlessly. The Hatter huffed furiously and froze as they came to a fork in the maze.

    

“Split up!” He ordered, and everyone dispersed, the ’95 line following Seokjin Alice as he darted off to the left. The thorns poked and scratched at the group as they ran, and Seokjin Alice could hear the words of the netizens as they crammed themselves into his ears. But he kept pushing, not stopping to think about which way to go when he came to another split in the maze. 

    

Seokjin Alice kept running, and it wasn’t until he hit a dead end that he stopped. 

    

 

. 

    

 

“Looksssss like you’re in a sssspot of trouble now, doesssn’t it?”

    

 

Seokjin Alice looked overhead to see Kaa Tae Song wrapped around the branch of a pine tree. He looked thinner than last time, his eyes were drooping and his dollar sign pupils didn’t dilate anymore. But Seokjin Alice didn’t have time for this.

    

“How can we get out?”

    

“We?”

    

“Me and the-
     

Seokjin Alice turned around to motion to the twins, but they were no longer there. Had they take a different route when they came to the split? Did they know this was a dead end? Why didn’t they say anything? Seokjin Alice’s mind was a mess but time was of the essence.

    

“How do I get out?” 

    

“Well now, thissss isss the thing,” the snake grinned, but it was one of exhaustion. Even his hissing seemed to take more effort. “Onccceee you’re in, you don’t get out.” He chuckled and his body shook, and it was then Seokjin Alice noticed the coins dropping out of his belly. Seokjin Alice wanted to stay and ask questions, but the netizens were gaining on him and he knew he had to leave. He turned around only to be met with the cheshire cat, who instead of floating, was merely sitting on the ground. Suddenly Seokjin Alice didn’t like that fact.

    

“How do I get out of here?” 

    

The cheshire cat merely nodded, his smile pained and incredibly sad. “They want me out too. Perhaps we should leave together?” Seokjin Alice could see the cat’s body fading away, but something about this time felt incredibly wrong. 

    

“No!” Seokjin Alice protested. “You can’t leave, you have to take care of the twins and the mouse! The Hatter can’t handle them, just from one encounter I can tell he’s never going to be able to keep up with them like you can.” Seokjin Alice was frantic about many things right now, how could the cheshire cat be so resigned at a time like this?! 

    

“Ah, perhaps you’re right.” The cat’s smile was a little brighter as he looked at the princess. “You should think about staying with us. We could use a feminine touch around here.”

    

“Sounds great, how about I consider that after I make it out of here alive, huh?”

    

The cheshire cat flashed a brief eye smile before tilting his head to the right. Seokjin Alice looked and saw an opening in the thorn hedge. Not caring where it led him, Seokjin Alice dove through and resumed running. 

    

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Whereya going’?”

“You’re bigger than last time!”

“It’s cause he gained weight!”

“He didn’t gain weight, this is the size he always was!”

“Really Jongup, you don’t know anything.”

    

The lost boys giggled and jogged with Seokjin Alice easily, but the princess knew he couldn’t stop to chat. Peter Pan Yongguk hovered along, keeping pace with the rest of them. 

    

“He’s growing up,” Peter Pan Yongguk stated sadly, and the lost boys cried out in objection. Peter Pan Yongguk shook his head and smiled, stopping Seokjin Alice only briefly as he placed something soft in the princess’s hand. “Good luck,” he grinned, his gums on full display before he fixed the small bonnet on his head and took of with his children. Seokjin Alice risked a glance behind him.

    

Dammit! These netizens were relentless. Seokjin Alice kicked off once again, his lungs working overtime. 

    

“It’s gotta be around here somewhere...” Seokjin Alice gritted his teeth and pumped his legs harder, anticipating the split in the road. He stopped when he arrived, his breathless state making him more frenzied. 

 

    

This wasn’t it.

Each path had a door now.

Which was the right way?

How was he going to get through?

 

    

Seokjin Alice desperately tried to open the doors, but to no avail.    

    

“Oh, it’s you again.” Seokjin Alice turned to the final door and recognized the sass immediately.

    

“You’re-”

    

“Full size, baby!” The door giggled and rattled his handle. “You have no idea how good it feels to finally be eye level with everything. No more crotch shots~!” 

    

“Please,” Seokjin Alice could feel himself starting to cry. “You have to help me.”

    

The door rolled his eyes. “Oh please, not this again. You didn’t learn from last time?”

    

Seokjin Alice reflexively checked down his shirt, but nothing was there this time. He opened his palm to see what Peter Pan Yongguk had given him- a piece of mushroom. Seokjin Alice acted on instinct.

    

“This mushroom,” he showed the door, as well as the other three. “If I eat this, I become three times your size, and if you don’t co-operate with me, I will kick all of you down to figure out my way home. Do you really want that?”

    

All four doors stared in shock. Finally the final door spoke.

    

“It’s not that we don’t want to help, but....this is where the sidewalk ends.”

    

“What?”

 

“We want to open for you, but you have to first ask yourself: at the end of this road, where will you be standing?”

    

Seokjin Alice ran a hand through his hair and considered the question. “At home?”

    

The door grimaced. “Think.”

    

Seokjin Alice thought and thought and thought, but nothing was coming to mind. The netizens were practically upon him now. Seokjin Alice popped the mushroom into his mouth and charged at the door, hunching himself over in preparation to run his shoulder into the wood. 

    

What he didn’t expect, however, was to be shrinking. He slid under the door’s frame and immediately began falling, various lolita and harajuku style dresses passing him as he tumbled downward. Seokjin Alice fell for what felt like ages, and he wondered if the sidewalk ended, would this tunnel end too?  

    

Everything around Seokjin Alice started to fade as the darkness gave way to light, and he could faintly hear someone mumbling incoherencies. For some reason the sound soothed Seokjin Alice, and he closed his eyes as he continued to tumble...

    

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

 

“Hyung~”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

“Hyung~~~~~”

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hyuuuuuuuuuuung!”

    

 

 

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

 

“Hyung!”

    

 

“WHAT?!” 

    

 

Seokjin’s eyes snapped open and he jolted upright, his head pounding in antagonism. It took a while for him to get his bearings, but soon enough Seokjin realized he was in an alleyway next to a dumpster, his friends looking at him with both concern and relief.

    

“Hyung, are you okay?”

    

“What...happened?” Seokjin’s voice was hoarse.    

    

“You said you were going to come home for dinner, but when you didn’t we all got really worried.” Jungkook pouted.

    

“Hyung, are you all right?” Namjoon was a little farther than the rest of them, but he too looked concerned. “How did you end up in a dumpster?”

    

“A cat,” Seokjin started. The others frowned, but Seokjin knew he wouldn’t be able to explain it all properly. “Never mind. I’m sorry I kept you guys waiting. You must have been worried right?” Seokjin smiled, wincing at the pounding in his head. 

    

“Of course we were!” Taehyung reached out his hand and Seokjin took it, gingerly rising to his feet. They all began their return home, with Seokjin leading the charge. He thought about everything that had just occurred, and especially about the door’s riddle. At the end of this road, where will you be standing? Well, technically he wouldn’t have been standing considering he’d been knocked unconscious because of the dumpster incident.

    

His thoughts were cut short as he saw an almond-coloured cat poke his head out of a bush. Seokjin stopped dead in his tracks. The cat made eye contact with Seokjin and almost seemed to grin as he dashed across their path, into the alley the group had just vacated. Seokjin watched him go and groaned aloud, a realization finally hitting him. The others looked amongst each other in confusion.

    

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Yoongi asked.

    

Seokjin shook his head and couldn’t help but laugh. Even after all that,

 

    

 

 

“My book is still in the park.”

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

A/N: There we are! For some reason I was really anxious about this fic, I wasn't sure if it was funny enough or if the characters were clear enough and all thokse kinds of things. But I wanted to share it anyway! Please please pleeeeease leave a comment to let me know what you think, and also if there is anything that's unclear or doesn't fit; I love getting feedback! And by the way, how many of the references did you find?? Be sure to let me know~ Thanks for reading everyone!! ^_^ 

 

<3 <3