-4-

Stumbling

3

Their last day is spent simple and spontaneous. First a small coffee date at a café down the road. They spend their time walking around the streets hand in hand, holding on as tightly as possible. They visit Chanyeol at the bar, and even though Baekhyun is smiling, Chanyeol can see that his friend isn’t as happy as he acts like he is. It pains him but there’s nothing he could do, not at this moment, to be exact.

Late afternoon sweeps in colder winds but steals away the clouds as the two take a trip up to Namsan Tower; two hundred and thirty-six metres in the sky and Taeyeon still feels too close to ground. She lets her fingers glide over the ‘locks of love’ and allows the light breeze to run along her hair. It’s not long before her legs go tired and she catches herself sitting on the bench with Baekhyun. She snuggles next to him as he pulls her closer, wrapping his arms securely around her shoulders. The silence almost makes both of them cry, but there’s no reason to. Not yet.

Dinner takes place on top of a small hill with bags of take-a-way boxes and mugs of hot chocolate. Taeyeon barely touches her food, and Baekhyun can only take nibbles on his burger.

“Have you ever thought about our relationship?” Baekhyun queries. The air is cold and dry now and the distant mutters of the traffic carries his voice away. “Like if we were able to change something, what would you change?”

Taeyeon looks over and smiles, genuinely, “I’m quite happy with what we’ve got.”

He turns to her direction, and steals a quick kiss, doesn’t look back at her not because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t; eyes the moon as he speaks. “I’ve been thinking, Taeyeon. What if we had met differently?” His mouth twitches up sadly as he thinks about all the possible scenarios. “It would be the middle of summer and we’ll meet at the ice cream store. You’re healthy and you’re eyes can see. You’ll spot me in the midst of everyone lining up and you’ll smile at me and I’ll smile at you. We’ll exchange numbers and talk, just like those romance novels. We’ll have fights like couples do and you’ll scream at me for wearing the wrong coloured tie to work, but we’ll love each other all the more. We’ll get married and have all the seasons to ourselves. We don’t have to spend our time running with the clock because we’ll have all the seconds in the world. You can help me with my attitude and I’ll cook all the meals. We’ll have children and grow old together. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it?”

Baekhyun gazes at her side profile as she stares into the distance, grabs her hands in his and squeezes them lightly. She sniffs, interrupting the silence and tries to blink away the tears. But inevitably they fall gracefully, like leaves in autumn, and water the grass with light drops of salinity. “It would be great, Baekhyun.” She directs her vision to his, eyes overflowing and gleaming. “Maybe in our next life. Maybe.”

“Yeah, Maybe.” Baekhyun reiterates with a sigh.

“How does the night look today, Baekhyun? Tell me how the stars glisten in the sky.” Taeyeon speaks curiously soft in the profound hours of the second winter’s night; attempts to break the tension goes unnoticed with a delicate grin. She turns her head upwards with the mug of warm hot chocolate cupped in her hands, fingers unsteadily tapping against the fine china. Her breath comes out in fogs, swirling a weak chalky white into the crisp air.

“It doesn’t matter how they look.” Baekhyun’s voice probably comes out softer than her’s. “They’re all dead anyways.” He mutters beside Taeyeon, stick poking holes into the ground. His eyes are looking up, but Baekhyun feels that there is nothing special to see; not when time is still on the run and he barely wants to walk.

Taeyeon nods. “That’s true…” She forces a smile amidst the cluttering teeth and trembling fingers; jaundiced skin sliced by the unexpected numbing raw gusts of wind. “But don’t you think it’s beautiful, that even in their death they’re still able to shine and leave marks in the sky for people to remember them; lead the way for lost souls and silhouettes that are still trying to find their road home.”

***

With Taeyeon’s encouragement Baekhyun goes to meet his grandmother who has been moved to a nursing home. One hand is tucked in his pocket, the other holding a fruit basket. He wouldn’t have brought one if it weren’t for Taeyeon’s eager pestering. He thinks it’s cute that she cares so much for him.

“Mrs Byun’s room is along the right hall, fourth room to the left. Have a great day sir.”

Baekhyun nods with a small smile. He tells himself that he isn’t nervous, but right now, standing outside the door, he tries to go through what he’s going to say but nothing comes to mind. He even prepared a speech yesterday, rereading it to Taeyeon over and over again for more than an hour.

“Baekhyun?” His grandmother greets him at the door. He notices that she has aged very significantly in the past few months and he can’t help but stare at her wrinkled skin and shaky hands.

She lets him in, carefully closing the door. “Yes. How have you been, Grandma?” She nearly runs up and hugs him in her arms but pulls herself back, because she knows it’s inappropriate. Their relationship is not on that level yet.

Between the awkward silence and subtle ruffles of gauche movement, his grandmother’s voice comes out a little raspier than expected. “Good. I’ve been well. What brings you here?”

Baekhyun says nothing. Instead, leans back on the wall, scans the room and places the fruit basket down beside him. “I think there are things we need to fix. Starting off is our relationship. I’m not only doing this for my mother, but I’m doing this because I think it’s best for you and me. We’ve lost too many years and I’m not going to say that everything will be good and dandy. But it’s a start. Now, I’m not entirely saying that I forgive you, but I’ve done wrong too. So I guess you could say I’m on my way to. We’ll figure this out somehow. What do you reckon, Grandma?”

He watches as her face lights up, the crinkles at her eyes etched deep into her skin. Her smile is gawky, tilting more on the left side. It almost makes Baekhyun want to laugh, but he has to stay serious and focused. “I wouldn’t ever give this chance up for anything.”

Baekhyun hides his smile as he leaves that day.

***

“So you patched things up with your Grandmother?” Chanyeol asks over spaghetti dinner at Paola De Maria.

Baekhyun chuckles; the sauce off his lips. “Not completely. But we’re getting there.”

Winter, this year, for Baekhyun brings new emotions; both anxiety and comfort. His life is surging with new experiences but at the same time an abundance of fear. Kyungsoo and Minseok don’t perform much at the bar anymore, but are replaced by Chen and Lay; they seem to be from China, although Baekhyun knows that Chen is a Korean-born. Chanyeol has gotten a pay-rise, and Taeyeon only gets worse.

“I’m sure your mother would have loved to hear this news.”

“I’m glad you think that Chanyeol.”

***

Taeyeon can barely do anything anymore. Most of the time they spend their days in her hospital room, where she lays quietly uttering incoherent words that it looks almost pitiful to Tiffany. Almost. December passes by too slowly but Baekhyun is glad and they celebrate Christmas with Chanyeol. Taeyeon talks lesser and responds a minute too late. Baekhyun tries to keep a positive mind, but it’s hard when she gets her occasional episode and it freaks him out. However, nothing can erode his feelings for her; no matter how bad things get, Baekhyun only loves her more, and this thought scares him.

“Sing. Baekhyun, sing for me. Please.” He’s wiping her sweat with a towel and stops instantly when he hears her voice. It has been a while since he’s heard her speak in sentences.

“Alright.” He takes her hand in his and draws circles with his thumb on the top of her palm.

We shared glances and kisses and loved each other,

Still keeps raining.

But you left like nothing was there.

The song flows, rain falls and I am drowned in thoughts of you

I cover my ears but I still hear your voice.

If goodbye is the answer who gave the question?

I have no idea, I cannot let you go.

The rain is falling, the tears are pouring.

Baekhyun sings. He sings and sings and sings. He puts every emotion into the words and lyrics. Every note laces with sadness and for a second he wants to stop, but he doesn’t. He sings. He sings about their love; sings for the one that’s leaving; and sings for the one staying. Baekhyun sings to keep the sorrow at bay. He sings for the happiness to play. In his heart and in every part of his soul, he sings to the agony that chooses to stay.

Please love me

Rain is falling, tears are spilling out.
After you left, it’s falling on top of my heart,

Rain is still falling; my tears are blocking my sight.
So everything grows faint, I can’t even hold onto you

When the song ends, the room is filled with Taeyeon’s soft sobs and Baekhyun can only kiss her fingers, reminding her that he’s here.

“There’s no saving me.” Taeyeon says between her tears. However, Baekhyun can only here the muted I don’t want to die in the quiet and empty night. So Baekhyun leans over and kisses Taeyeon desperately and frantically, tries to replace the taste of tears with every bit of himself.

“It’s okay… I’m here. I won’t leave.” But somehow his statement sounds more like he’s begging for her to stay. Her breath hitches as he pulls away, and she only cries harder. The pillow smells of salty tears and medicine. Baekhyun feels sick in the stomach.

***

February nights are not as cold as the first month of the year, but they still send shivers down Baekhyun’s spine and paint goosebumps on his skin. Sometimes the days are cloudy with little precipitation; others are cloudless days and dry air. Snow visits once in a while and temperature reaches down to minus four degrees Celsius. Taeyeon has worse hallucinations and love hits on every unspoken words. As old blossoms fall, new blossoms bloom, but Taeyeon can no longer walk or sleep at night and Baekhyun fills in the missing blanks of their story, alone. Memory becomes hard for Taeyeon to retain; usually flies away with every open door or glancing wind, but squeezes back bits and pieces with Baekhyun’s lips against hers.

***

Baekhyun busies himself by cleaning his mother’s old room. Today, his grandmother is moving in. They’re getting closer and Baekhyun talks to her about Taeyeon sometimes. There have been a lot of apologise coming from his grandmother. The other day he drove her to his mother’s graveyard and watched her sob so hard he thought he had to bring her to the hospital. He learns in a conceivable manner, that the family is a link to our past and a bridge to our future.

“Baekhyun, is something on your mind? You’ve been moping that spot on the floor for the past ten minutes.”

He looks up, surprised that his grandmother is in his house. “When did you arrive? How’d you get in grandma?”

“Chanyeol picked me up and your front door wasn’t locked. That’s dangerous Baekhyun.”

Chanyeol leans on the doorframe, eyebrows furrowed, and arms crossed. “Speak up buddy. We’re here to listen.”

Baekhyun sighs. “I don’t think we have long left.”

***

Yesterdays become harder to hold on, but Baekhyun tries to make the most of all the todays and tomorrows. It frightens Baekhyun as he thinks about the uncertain future. They’re racing time, but they’re the only ones getting tired; barely having enough energy to keep steady. Nights are too quiet and Baekhyun sings with the drips of IV. Giggles turn into laughter with jokes that he’s telling and listening by himself; too forced between trembling eyes and sad smiles, as though he’s afraid that if he doesn’t make enough noise, Taeyeon might just disappear into the silence.

He takes more days off from work, to spend more time with Taeyeon, and sometimes Chanyeol yells at him to get his together. He needs to stay focus and not waver; he’ll need his job and Taeyeon can’t save him from getting fired.

“I don’t need this job to survive! I just need her Chanyeol! Why don’t you get it?!” Baekhyun slams the glass down on the bench, cracking it into pieces, and manages to get a piece pierced into his skin.

“Come on, I’ll take you home. You’re drunk.” Chanyeol excuses himself from the customers, calls for another worker to take his shift before he shoves Baekhyun into his car.

“I want to hear her voice… She barely even moves anymore. She’s there but she’s not there, do you know what I mean Chanyeol? It hurts me so much. It’s hurts so ing much, I don’t know what to do. I have no ing idea of what to do and it’s killing me…Do you think they’ll let me take her out one last time? Do you Chanyeol?” Baekhyun is a mess; hair dishevelled with half his shirt tucked in and the other limply laying outside. Eyes droopy and filled with tears.

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow Baekhyun. You need to sleep or else you’ll cry again.”

“I’m not crying Chanyeol. You’re the one… crying. You’re… crying.”

They both are.

***

Baekhyun figures that he’s being too selfish. He doesn’t need to hear Taeyeon talk anymore; he just needs her near. Just as long as her heart is still beating, everything will be fine. He sings to her every day, so she doesn’t forget his voice; so the memories of them don’t vanish. But sometimes, when Baekhyun looks at the hospital bed, he doesn’t know if he’s just looking at a shell, or only its core.

“We’re going out Taeyeon. I’ve asked for permission… We’ve got a day. Are you excited?”

Yes I am Baekhyun.

“Of course you are. You must feel bored lying in the room all the time.”

Where will we be going?

“I’m thinking of taking you back home. You have to see the cherry blossoms. Well, feel them. They’re soft as feathers.”

I’d love to.

He tucks her into the sheets and kisses her forehead. Although Baekhyun knows that she isn’t really sleeping, he likes to think that she is. It’s to pretend that she’s getting enough rest, and one day she’ll wake up healthy and moving. The freezing winter takes all of Baekhyun as he steps outside the entrance of the hospital. It’s a little lonely, but he needs space to himself, so instead of taking the taxi home, Baekhyun decides to walk. The stroll from the hospital to his house is long and makes him feel a bit more desolated, but Baekhyun tries to find rhythm in his steps. The leaves are still and there are barely any cars today.

Baekhyun, however, is still trying to compete with the clock.

***

Taeyeon sits in the wheelchair as Baekhyun sits on the grass beside her. His grandmother prepares the fruits for them. They made it to spring, and the flowers are blooming more beautifully than ever. Baekhyun closes his eyes and inhales the fresh air.

“The paperwork took longer than it was supposed to and I was afraid… that you wouldn’t –”

“Fruits are here!” His grandmother calls from behind.

“Thanks grandma.” He smiles brightly at her. “Can you see how close Grandma and I are? Thanks to you of course.” Baekhyun pauses and takes a deep breath. “There are so many things I need to thank you for. Firstly, thank you Taeyeon, for everything. Thank you for loving me, thank you for giving me a meaning to life, for letting me love you, for teaching me that the slightest actions can change something significantly. Thank you for being a breath of fresh air. Thank you.”

Taeyeon hears everything, and she wants so much to talk and tell him that she still has bits of their memory and how much she’s thankful of him. But she can’t and all Baekhyun hears is the spring breeze and the birds chirp; leaves rustling against flowers in Seoul’s bright afternoon. Voiceless words lost in time.

***

She’s in a dream-like state right now, Tiffany tells Baekhyun in a soft whisper and he can hear the slightest crack in her voice, but she keeps the façade on because after all she still has to sustain her professionalism. She’s not asleep, she’s just dreaming while she’s awake.

Tonight, Baekhyun stays back and takes care of Taeyeon. Sneak kisses in the night, so she can remember how his lips feel like on hers. He lays a mattress on the floor and stares up at the ceiling, counting seconds that turn into minutes, and minutes that turn into hours.

These hours turns into days and Baekhyun wonders if he can ever stop counting. “I hope you’re dreaming of us, Taeyeon. I don’t want you to forget me. Please, don’t forget us.”

***

Baekhyun swears he hears Taeyeon call his name in the middle of a clear sky, buzzing cars and honking horns, but when he pleases for her to say it again, only silence answers. Baekhyun wonders if he’s going delirious and everything around him is a hallucination.

Night comes and brings along drizzles of tears and quiet whimpers; soaks it up into the abyss. Baekhyun can feel Taeyeon slip through his fingers. But this is their love; a little too brief, too fleeting.

***

Daylight wakes Baekhyun up from his dreams, detours into something nippy but somehow warm. He turns and opens his eyes. The fatigue transforms and his sight is replaced with white walls and stacks of nail polish bottles. He drags himself up and is greeted with blonde hair and black overgrowth, an emaciated face, skin pale and imprinted dark circles.

He twists and turns, cracks his back and sits on the chair; pushes the hair out Taeyeon’s face and smiles. “Good morning.” She doesn’t respond, but Baekhyun’s used to it. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

There is an unsettling tension in the room, and the heart monitor seems to be slower than usual, but Baekhyun isn’t a doctor, so all he does is grabs Taeyeon’s hand and kisses them gently. He traces his gaze to the plastic sticking into her skin through a needle. It hurts him and it almost makes him want to pull it out.

“I had a dream last night. Do you want to hear what happened?” Baekhyun puts her hand against his face. “You were in it. We were. We met among the congested street in autumn and you bumped into me. I laughed about it and said it was okay. And somehow we ended up in the ice-cream store. You know the one where we went to the first time you were discharged? Yeah that one. You kept apologising and I thought it was cute.” Her fingers twitch, but Baekhyun starts to think that it’s normal; it has happened one too many times. “You’re always cute, you know that.” He chuckles, and watches her breathe, how each breath reflects of better days but also the most worrying.

The moment turns slow when there’s a rough gasp of air, the beeps of the machine and the green line becomes straight; it sends Baekhyun into a trance, and the continuous beeps propels an alarm. And then Baekhyun knows. He realises, in the short seconds of a minute that this is where their story is supposed to end, that this is the finale, but he doesn’t move. His hand grips hers a little tighter, and he talks despite all the noise. “And guess what we did next. We found ourselves next to the pond in winter and I was ripping bread as you threw them for the ducks. Funny thing was the pond was frozen and there were no ducks. We just wanted to be romantic. Like an old couple. Can you picture what I’m saying? Isn’t it adorable?” He laughs, but the sound only rolls out in tunes of grief and sadness.

A team of doctors and nurse rush in, and among them was Tiffany, with shaky eyes and quivering fingers. But they don’t push Baekhyun away. They don’t dare to move.  Only watch as Baekhyun tucks Taeyeon’s hair behind her ears and they let Baekhyun talk. And Baekhyun talks, he continues to speak his dreams like there were no seconds to waste. “But that’s not all. You told me that we’ve met before during spring, and I tell you that I got the same feeling and you smiled at me, and I couldn’t do anything but smile back and we held hands and we were at the seashore and you told me to dip my feet in the water with you and you laughed because the water was too cold and I laughed because you laughed and we ate watermelons in summer and you said that we’ll be together forever and I told you that we were and you said you loved my voice and that we should sing a duet one day and I agreed and we were falling in love… We were falling in love. We were going to be happy... together. Weren’t we?”

Baekhyun takes a deep shaky breath, but he doesn’t cry; he believes that he’s been mentally prepared. He kisses her forehead for the last time, looks at her face and traces every single detail; imprints their love into his memory. “You must be exhausted. Sleep tight now…Taeyeon.” He whispers against her lips. The doctor pats him on the back with a sympathetic smile as Baekhyun makes his way out the door. But Tiffany catches him back, eyes teary and hands him a note. “From Taeyeon.” She mutters before she returns back into the room.

It’s not until Baekhyun leaves the hospital and waits for Chanyeol to come that the tears start forming and knocks the air out of his lungs. He cries so hard that he begins to gasp for oxygen; it’s shattering his body into tiny little pieces and he doesn’t know if anyone will be able to put him back in place. He’s sobbing to the point where his brain pounds against his skull and Baekhyun doesn’t understand why he was awoken with such a beautiful dream only to see everything end so tragically. And somehow the piece of paper in his hand scorches his skin harsher than any farewell.

“In our next life, let’s love again”

“Chanyeol, help me please, I can’t breathe. She’s gone… and there’s nothing I can do.”

“I’m here for you… buddy.”

***

Baekhyun sits at the bench by the pond, feeding bread to ducks and sings a little tune. Spring washes away with Taeyeon and leaves him behind with memories that waddle in with the damp earthy smell of trickling rain assailing his nose every time he breathes in. Summer welcomes him with warm embraces, sometimes too hot against his skin, yet Baekhyun still feels cold. The streets are empty, doused with lingering sleep and Baekhyun can only remember words that once existed.

“I’ve been thinking, Taeyeon. What if we had met differently? It would be the middle of summer and we’ll meet at the ice cream store. You’re healthy and you’re eyes can see. You’ll spot me in the midst of everyone lining up and you’ll smile at me and I’ll smile at you. We’ll exchange numbers and talk, just like those romance novels. We’ll have fights like couples do and you’ll scream at me for wearing the wrong coloured tie to work, but we’ll love each other all the more. We’ll get married and have all the seasons to ourselves. We don’t have to spend our time running with the clock because we’ll have all the seconds in the world. You can help me with my attitude and I’ll cook all the meals. We’ll have children and grow old together. Wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it?”

“It would be great, Baekhyun.”

Chapter Four - Sadly the story has come to an end. I'd like to thank everyone for reading, commenting, subscribing and upvoting. Before uploading the story, it actually took me more than two months of writing, rewriting and thorough planning, so I hope you guys have enjoyed it and please give it your support. I can't express how happy I am to see people actually enjoying my work. Have a great day guys :) Once again, thank you!