-2-

Starting

Saturday morning washes streams of chirping birds and children’s laughter over Baekhyun’s static body. Breakfast has yet to be made and eaten, and the flowers need to be watered, but Baekhyun simply can’t move, so here he is, champing on his lip, staring at the ceiling.

At some point before he realised it, he has begun thinking about visiting Taeyeon, and how it’s been days since he first met her, promising to come back. So Baekhyun hurries with his habitual schedule and drives along to the florist, purchasing a bouquet of pink crocuses before making his way to the hospital. He catches Tiffany cleaning the bed and questions where Taeyeon is.

“She’s down at the back garden.” Tiffany replies with a huge grin.

Baekhyun watches the elevator door open and is greeted with a person he forgot still exists and didn’t stop himself from showing his disapproval through scowling. He steps out, as his grandmother steps in. As he hastily walks away, he fails to notice her crestfallen eyes, and sunken cheeks. How her hair has turned more grey and the wrinkles on her face has increased.

With irritation, Baekhyun loosens the first button of his collared shirt as he steps outside and scans his eyes around to look for Taeyeon. He finds her sitting on a wooden bench as she hums a little tune to herself. It’s an adorable sight and he can’t help but smile, the annoyance settling at the back of his mind.

“Hey.” Baekhyun salutes. “What are you doing out here?”

Taeyeon looks up, evidently surprised as she recognises his voice and smiles widely. “Baekhyun! I was just having some fresh air. Here, have a seat.” She pats the empty spot beside her.

Baekhyun doesn’t hesitate to sit down and hands her the flowers. “They’re pink crocuses, which symbolises cheerfulness. I know you can’t see them, but I feel like the meaning behind it intended something more.”

“You seem to know a lot about flowers.” She says, staring intently at the bunch, even though she can’t decipher what they look like.

“My mother used to love flowers, especially the irises. But we never had enough money to buy any, so she could only stare at them from the shop window. I learnt that the flower she liked symbolised hope, and now I know why she loved them so much. Flowers, they remind me of her.”

Taeyeon nods, “You’re speaking in past tense.”

“Yeah. She passed away four years ago. Suicide.”

The atmosphere becomes tense for a while, and they revel in the stillness. Their uneven exhales, intertwines with the silky brushes of the gentle wind and cool air, and as the breeze continues to carry their silent cries, Taeyeon tells a story. She tells a story about a girl who could not see. A girl that fell in love with colours she didn’t know and art she could not read. A story about someone named Taeyeon who wishes to sleep at night and wake up in the morning in a house that has colours and how she wishes she could see the dye in her hair and the paint on her nails.

It’s not a long narrative, and it ends with a new one. “And even though her mother died giving birth to her, and later down the road her father followed that path, she still wishes that she could have seen them at least once. So she sang in her sadness. Sang to clear all the pain away, only to realise she could barely sleep at night, and she can’t tell whether it is morning or evening. How sometimes her brain plays tricks on her and she feels like she’s going to go insane. She started swimming in self-pity and lived for the pity party, because she realised she doesn’t have much time left, but that doesn’t matter anymore, because it’s not like she ever lived before. Like really lived.”

Taeyeon traces her fingers over the petals, and lets them tickle her fingertips, feeling the delicate softness play among her skin. “You’re going to die.” Baekhyun interrupts her trance, as he looks at her carefully. It isn’t really a question because he already knows the answer but Baekhyun makes sure anyways.

“Soon. Depends on my body’s capability.”

“Oh I see.” Baekhyun wants to talk, but he doesn’t know what to say so he keeps quiet for a few seconds, running a hand through his hair, shivering despite it not being very cold. “What sickness?”

“Fatal Familial Insomnia Disorder. I’m into the third month of stage two now.”

Baekhyun thinks for a while, “Insomnia… So you can’t sleep? You can’t take sleeping pills for this?”

She looks at him, and tries to figure where his face is. It’s a little off, but Baekhyun thinks she’s doing a great job, “No because it’ll only make it worse. My father suffered from it and he didn’t get it checked by the doctors and took sleeping pills. By the time he was sent to the hospital his brain had already deteriorated, and all he did was wait for death. It fastens up the time. Puts a speed button. Like an expressway to a once predetermined expiry date. Sometimes I plan on taking it so I could reach my parents faster, but then I thought if I really wanted to die then I might as well kill myself. But I don’t. Not yet. I want to live Baekhyun. I want to feel the salt in the sea, the dirt on the ground. I want to have my feet curling into the sand as I lay under the sun. I want to go to the shops and choose what to wear, dance in the rain, sing to an audience. Laugh to the point where my stomach hurts and watch movies at the cinemas in my pjs.”

He listens to her talk about all the things she wants to do, and it pains him when he thinks about her restrictions; how bound to reality she really is, and how much she wants to flee. For the first time Baekhyun realises that he’s been misinterpreting the definition of living, and how he has so much to learn from Taeyeon. He starts to realise that even though Taeyeon cannot see she can still look around and perceive that there is so much meaning and value in the midst of the bitter and acrid taste of reality. How people are taking the colours of the world for granted; how the universe is changing and many people don’t seem to realise it until they look back in time. Because people are now too distracted by work and money that the only colour they see is cash.

***

Baekhyun likes to think that he is happy. He has a job and friends. What more does he need? But somewhere in the midst of counting integers and watering flowers, Baekhyun feels that something is missing in his life; like the sparkle of adventure Taeyeon was talking about. He hasn’t really done anything significant with his life, and he feels like it’s time for a change. But change doesn’t happen in an instant, and although Baekhyun likes the idea of spontaneity, he still has too much work on his hands.

“What are you thinking about?” Chanyeol speaks.

Baekhyun is sipping on some margaritas in Drunken Dreamers, the bar Chanyeol works at and he is quite glad that Chanyeol is taking him home. His head is a bit woozy after a few glasses of manhattan and he doesn’t know what he should talk about first. There are too many thoughts in his head at the moment, and Baekhyun feels as though he is trapped in rings of hula-hoops; just him and a white room with a hula-hoop spinning non-stop and he’s trying hard to keep balance. It starts off with one hula-hoop, and then as it begins to spin faster, and he begins to struggle, more hula-hoops are thrown in and it’s unstoppable.

“You don’t want to talk?” Chanyeol questions over the bench. The bar is quite empty today and Baekhyun taps his fingers against the glass as he scrunches his eyebrows. Kyungsoo, a usual frequenter, sings in the microphone at the little corner stage with Minseok, adding a little melody between the stifling silence.

Baekhyun sighs, “It’s not that I don’t want to talk Chanyeol. It’s just… where do I even start?”

“You’ve been disappearing off quite regularly these days. I doubt that you’re visiting the old hag at the hospital. Now spill buddy, I’ve got all day.” The smile on Chanyeol’s face is a bit wide and it would’ve been quite creepy to outsiders, but Baekhyun is used to it, and sometimes it seems to make him feel a little better when he’s down.

“Do you remember Taeyeon? That girl at the hospital I talked to you about not too long ago? Yeah, well, I’ve been visiting her.” Baekhyun takes a nip from his glass and smiles as he thinks about the blonde-haired patient.

Chanyeol leans closer, “Oh that girl. Of course I remember her. You still visit her? Is there something going on between you two that I don’t know of? Not to mention, you haven’t introduced her to me yet. I’m disappointed dude; I thought we were best friends.”

“Oh stop being overly dramatic Chanyeol.” Baekhyun laughs, “There’s nothing going on. We’re just friends. Anyways, we’ve been talking a lot lately, and she said some things that had me thinking. And I’ve got to admit, she’s really something man. She’s really something.”

His best friend nods, “I see… So what’s the dilemma? Why do you seem so troubled?”

“It’s just… she’s dying Chanyeol. And I don’t know what to feel about that. She’s my friend and of course I feel sad and all, but there’s something that’s disturbing me inside. Something more profound than it’s supposed to be.”

Chanyeol stays quiet for a while and contemplates on what he should say. There’s a long silence, with Kyungsoo and Minseok’s voice continuing to fill the room with a certain peaceful tune; an RnB vibe along with the small chatters of surrounding habitués. “This isn’t going to end well. But if you’re comfortable around her and she makes you happy, stay beside her for as long as you can. I can’t tell you to keep a distance from her just because she’s dying but the only thing I can say is that if you ever do get attached, just remember not to regret your decision later on. I’m your friend too. I’ll be here.”

Baekhyun gulps the rest of his drink and smiles, “I never knew you had this side to you. I don’t think I can get used to such responses, especially if they’re coming from you.”

A soft laughter erupts from the other side of the bench, and Baekhyun laughs along with his best friend.  “Well good, because this will probably be the first and last time you’re seeing this side of me.”

***

Autumn days in Seoul pass by faster with Taeyeon; the hours seem to be shorter, the seconds tick faster and the season is nearly coming to an end. Disquietude and consternation chews at the tip of Baekhyun’s toes every sundown, and the feeling lingers over his skin. A fear, that’s protruding his bones and glides between his blood cells, almost like the sinking frigidity of autumn rain without an ending. But he tries to kick them off when he greets Taeyeon at the bench in the hospital garden. He comes both morning, right before work and afternoon, when he finishes. He has become attached now, and he knows it. But it’s too late to step back. It’s too late to run away.

***

Their shoulders touch a little, but neither of them moves away. It’s comfortable this way they believe and Baekhyun hands her a simple red rose. He had promised her the other day, that instead of bringing her different flowers, he wants to give her a rose every time he visits because he believes that although it’s simple and cliché, no girl can resist it’s humble beauty.

Tonight their natter reoccupies in Taeyeon’s hospital room; a white-washed box, organised with medical machines, half-empty bottles of vitamin drinks, a myriad of nail polish lined up against the shelf: sheets neatly placed over the achromatic mattress; roses standing proudly in a vase like dancers after their performance. Little pills are arranged in different plastic zippers, lying like reminders on the cupboard beside the bed. Despite the appearance, everything ridicules fragility, barely holding away the emptiness that ostracises Baekhyun, but takes all of Taeyeon, rounds up all her somnolent steps and aching desires.

Baekhyun thinks that Taeyeon tries to keep the room as intact as it possibly can. Herds objects into the room, and splays them out neatly to make it a bit homier. Taeyeon, however, isn’t the kind of person to belong to this kind of place or anyone to be exact. She’s a kind of comprehensive and thoughtful woman, silhouette falling between the emotions and the reaction.

“How was work?” Taeyeon asks.

Baekhyun sighs, “Same as always. Nothing new really.” He pauses for a while, as he looks at her. Like really looks at her. There’s something in his mind telling him that he needs to protect her, but moreover there’s something in his heart that’s aching at the same time as beating profusely between each passing second. “You changed the colour of your nails.”

Taeyeon smiles and plays with her fingers. “Yeah, Tiffany said that burgundy would look good on me.”

Baekhyun doesn’t know much about nails, but he takes Taeyeon’s hands in his and gently slides his thumbs over her fingers. Taeyeon blushes because somehow there are butterflies fluttering in her stomach and her heart is beating uncontrollably. “It looks nice.” Baekhyun compliments, not letting go of her hand. Her fingers feel delicate against his, and he feels as though her hand was made for him to hold.

She giggles, and he doesn’t let go, but instead holds on a little tighter. But moments like these don’t last long, and Taeyeon starts to shift in her seat. “Baekhyun… do you hear that?” She lets go of his hand and starts to hold onto the blanket.

“Hear what Taeyeon?” Baekhyun questions, watching her every move, confused. “Taeyeon, what’s going on?” He tries to grab her shoulders to calm her down, but she only retreats and pulls the blanket over her body, shivering and whimpering.

“Crickets. Crying. Many of them. Can you hear them? They’re sobbing…. They’re sobbing. Listen carefully Baekhyun. Can you hear them? They’re here Baekhyun. Listen and you can hear them cry my name.” Her eyes are wide, and she showers in sweat, irises bouncing from wall to wall and heavy breaths uneven as they waver with the silence. Baekhyun panics.

He calls for Tiffany, and a few nurses’ barges in with a doctor. The scene is chaotic as they try to keep Taeyeon steady on the bed. But she’s frantic, and thrashes around worse than a fish caught in the net and Baekhyun doesn’t know if he should be more scared than worried or more worried than scared. It’s only until Tiffany pushes him outside and closes the door shut, leaving him standing alone in the corridors that he registers what is happening. He sits down on the waiting chair and tries to think but he doesn’t know what to think about and his mind is as blank as a white piece of paper.

The door opens and closes again, after a long while and Baekhyun looks up only to find Tiffany. She smiles softly, a reassuring smile, and sits down next to him. “She’s fine and everything is good, if that’s what you’re planning to ask.”

“What happened?”

“It’s another one of her episodes. She starts hallucinating and sometimes becomes uncontrollable.”

“Oh…”

Silence. Inhale. Silence. Exhale. Silence. Silence. Broken.

“I’m scared Baekhyun. The prions are eating away the thalamus region of her brain and I don’t think she has long left before she becomes unresponsive. She’ll lose her memories, and she won’t be able to talk properly. When I was an intern, I watched her father suffer. I just can’t stand it another time. There are still so many things the girl wants to do.” Tiffany is crying, because out of all the patients she has taken care of, she has become closest to Taeyeon. They have shared many laughters and tears, and she can’t spare to think that one day she’ll walk into the room at the end of the hall and her friend won’t be there anymore.

“Tiffany, can you give me three days? Three days to take Taeyeon out.” Baekhyun asks with determination as he looks at the nurse.

“I don’t know… It’s too dangerous. The doctors won’t allow it.”

“Please. I’m begging you.”

***

The manager’s office is neat, Baekhyun thinks as he scans around the room; piles of documents stacked categorically, pencils separated from pens, desk wiped spotless. But what he finds most intriguing is the painting next to the clock. He stares at it for a while, and takes in the canvas of a man feeding breadcrumbs to a dole of doves in the middle of the street. The caption states, Stripped bare, a man finds peace. Maybe the painting is a little inappropriate, but he hasn’t felt so comfortable looking at such a masterpiece.

“Admiring the painting Mr. Byun?” The manager, Mr Kim, says as he puts down the documents.

“A chef d’oeuvre, really.” Baekhyun states as he turns his attention back to the man.

Mr Kim chuckles and taps his fingers on the desk. “I believe it is. Now… you’re here requiring a holiday leave?”

Scratching the back of his neck Baekhyun nods. “Ah, yes sir. Just for a week.”

“You’re going for a break Baekhyun? This is the first time you’ve asked in the years you have been working for me. What’s the special occasion kid?”

Baekhyun forces a smile, and he believes it probably looks crooked and awkward. “It’s nothing special Mr Kim, but I’m afraid it’s quite confidential for me to expose.”

The manager nods understandingly. “I see. Okay, well, I see that there are no problems with you leaving for a week. A chap like you needs a breather once in a while. So starting next week?”

“The sooner the better sir.” Baekhyun smiles. Genuinely this time.

“Then it’s settled. I’ll see you again the following week Baekhyun.” He signs a few papers and gives them to his coordinator, then gestures to Baekhyun that everything is done.

***

It’s raining when Baekhyun enters the bar. He notices that Kyungsoo and Minseok is performing again, and tries to find peace in his mind within the embrace of their harmonies. Chanyeol greets his best friend with a big grin and bends over the countertop with an elbow propped up and his chin resting on his hand. Baekhyun rolls his eyes but smiles nevertheless as he loosens his tie. 

“Drinking today buddy?” Chanyeol questions as he scans Baekhyun’s face.

“Nah thanks.” He shakes his head. “Not today.”

“Well then, what brings you here?” Chanyeol speaks as he turns around to prepare a drink for a different customer.

“I have to have a reason to be here now?” Baekhyun laughs.

“That’s not what I meant Baekhyun.” Chanyeol shakes his head and laughs as he hands the drink to the person, but still keeps his eyes on his best friend.

“It’s just a little… lonely… at home, that’s all.” He shrugs a little as he turns his eyes to watch the little performance in the corner of the bar.

“You? Feeling lonely? That’s a change.” Chanyeol takes off his apron. “Well, my shift is ending, give me a sec. I’ll change and then we can drop by some store and have some samgyupsal. I’ve been craving.”

The rain has stopped but the grey clouds still lingers in the sky when the two best friends step into a restaurant to have a meal. Meat sizzles and the smell reach their nose and Chanyeol and Baekhyun cannot help but smile. They take a seat at a vacant table and order their serving of food before they start talking.

It kicks off trivial, their conversation, starting from the weather to how their day has been then to their job, but as the minutes tick Baekhyun begins to talk about his plans to Chanyeol. With the meat cooking in front of them, Baekhyun starts revealing.

“I’m going to the hospital tomorrow to sign the forms. She’ll be discharged when the paper work is done, which would be around next week, but there’ll be conditions I’ll have to follow through and accept. You want to come?”

Chanyeol stops flipping the meat and looks up. “For your grandmother or…?”

Baekhyun picks up a piece and quickly chews, forgetting about the heat as it burns his tongue. “No, Taeyeon. I’ve asked for permission to take her out. They gave me three nights. You can finally have an official greeting.”

“She’s good now? Aren’t you scared the hallucinations will come while she stays with you?” Chanyeol passes Baekhyun a cup of water. “But thank god, I finally get to meet this girl.”

“The doctors did talk about it, but there are things I want to do for Taeyeon. I’ve talked to her already, and if it does happen then what other thing can we do besides bringing her back to the hospital?”

Chanyeol wraps his meat in lettuce and shoves it into his mouth. “I think it’s great that you’re doing all this for her. But have you been talking to or seen your grandmother lately?”

“Chanyeol, let’s not go there.”

“But…”

“Chanyeol, please.”

Chapter Two - Enjoy! x