(Baekho POV)

Let me just say: Crying .

Oh and: I haven’t cried since Hoseok.

I cried for Ren. That is by far one of the most embarrassing, most pitiful thing I’ve done since Hoseok. JR and Jason Helped me up, and took me away from the remaining crowd. Most left along with Ren. Some stayed, mainly because they were in shock because the strong and silent and mysterious Kang Baekho was crying over a boy and yelled at Choi Ren, again. They stood me up, confused as to what to do, they haven’t ever seen me cry. I walked with two arms holding me up, as if I were injured. I felt pathetic. I felt like I were back in Kang Reung, as a stupid idiotic 16 year old in love. Being hurt then forgiving. Being hurt then forgiving. Being hurt then forgiving. On an endless cycle until I hit rock bottom. I promised myself I wouldn’t let a boy, or anyone, hurt me like that.

But Choi Ren didn’t hurt me. He didn’t break my heart. He didn’t want me to cry. He didn’t want my walls and defenses down. Instead, he gave me something. Something I never thought he, or any one again, would give me, hope. When his hand touched my cheek, immediately I forgot Hoseok. The place on my cheek where his hand was burned. It burned with a feeling that was indescribable. It wasn’t pain. It wasn’t hurt. It was heat. A heat that doesn’t hurt but is left there. Burning, His big brown eyes that looked into mine where full of care, not pity. The words he spoke, the words saying “I would never hurt you” made my stomach lurch. But not in a way I wouldn’t want to feel again. A good lurch. Even after, I feel my pulse all around my body, in my stomach, in my fingers. This is bad. I felt like this around Hoseok, I don’t remember it being as intense. Like my skin was on heavenly fire. Like even though I could collapse at any moment, I don’t want it to end.

Sure Hoseok gave me butterflies, but it was when he was all close, and intimate, but Ren… Ren was just being, well, Ren. He made me want to throw up. But a good throw up, if that exists.

Wait…. What am I saying? I’m supposed to hate Choi Ren!

I’m supposed to hate the little beautiful fiend! He’s using me! He just wants to play with me and throw me out and go to the next boy!

But how am I supposed to believe that, after what just happened? How he touched my cheek, spoke like five words that broke me, but once again in a good way. I still can’t stop playing the words he said over and over in my head, his wavering voice saying “I would never hurt you.”

I guess you can say it like the heavens shined a light down on his already glowing face, and turned his blonde hair golden, made his skin turn to an even more beautiful natural ivory pale, and his eyes glisten. I hate to admit it but…

Choi Ren is beautiful.

In more ways than one.

And I now, for the first time, want to see him again. And again.

And again.

***

JR and Jason walked with me for the rest of the time, constantly offering to sit somewhere else on the bus.

“No.” I said. “Its fine, I don’t want to seem even weaker.” I lied. I already seem weak, but I feel like I can take on an entire army. This is a feeling I’ve never felt before. Not before Hoseok. Not before boys. Not before life gave me . I’ve felt this once, counting now. And I never want to lose it. “But Baek,” Jason started, “He hurt you, you don’t want to be around that, do you?” His eyes full of concern. “It’s fine, I need to be a man.” I said hitting my chest like Tarzan, receiving well deserved strange looks from them. I laughed, “Really, I’m fine, just let me handle this and we will be all good.” I smiled. They smiled back, probably not too convinced. I need to lighten the mood. I elbowed JR, making him stumble and fall to his left, where Jason was standing. Perfect.

JR bumped into the older boy, not expecting the sudden physical contact. He put his arms out to break his fall. On his way down, his hand hit, you guessed it, Jason’s junk. Not only did the boy in love touch his loves junk, he hit is hard. Making Jason double over onto JR who was on the guy. Within the time of like three seconds they were in a blushing pile on the ground. “JOSAHAPNIDA!!!” JR squeaked out, loudly, his voice cracking. He was under the older, who was laying horizontally over JR, hands cupping his precious, ah… uhm… package? Ew no, I can’t say it. ANYWAY!!! Jason replied with moans of pain. JR sat up, and rolled the older on his back. “Gwenchana?” He asked, blushing darker than imaginable. When Jason replied with just moans, I decided to make this scene even better, I crouched down next to the younger of the two and said, in between laughs, “Does he need mouth to mouth?” Both boys went red. Hilariously so, “NO!!” Both shouted, at the same time, looking at each other and awkwardly smiling, but blushing more than anything. “I kid, I kid.”

I stood up, helping Jason up, him still wincing in pain. We walked over to the busses. When my heart started racing. This is it. Seven hours. Next to Choi Ren. Seven hours. Calming myself would be no use. I sit in the assigned seats, we were given. Next to your roommate. I look out the window, debating whether to wait and talk to him, or put my headphones in and ignore him. I don’t know why I would ignore him, I mean the dude likes me, right? I shouldn’t be fearing rejection, I shouldn’t have anything to fear, but, I do. I get flustered thinking about him.

I am still internally debating the choice when I see the only a bright blonde head, and I panic. I freak out and fumble for my phone, and try to put the headphones into the headphone jack, but hit the charging plug, like a genius. I curse at my phone as Ren sits down. He sits down as far away from me as possible, half of his was off of the seat. His face was sad. Not tear streaked, not red from held in tears, just sad. His face doesn’t have the perkiness it usually does. His normally wide eyes were half open. The small smile usually plastered on his lips was nowhere to be seen, instead a weak frown. I couldn’t tell what was wrong. I wanted to tell him that he doesn’t have to sit so far away. That he doesn’t have anything to be sad about. But not that I like him. I still could be wrong, but I’ve turned into quite the optimist, since the happenings of twenty minutes ago.

I decide against saying anything, I sat, looking out the window, with my headphones in, playing the music quietly, in case he talks. He probably won’t, but me hoping he will won’t change.

The first hour was easy, I fell asleep. I was tired. Though I was woken by a bump on the bus. I was thrown out of sleep.  I sat up, yawning, and stretching my muscles. As I stretched, I accidentally hit Ren. I looked over, worried out of my mind that I hurt him or pissed him off. But he didn’t, Ren was asleep.

He was now on the seat completely, not half on, half off. Ren sat there, slumped over, hands in his lap, leaning towards me, his head towards mine, his lips slightly parted, hair in his face. His breath was small and deep. His chest rose and fall to the small whistle of air going in and out of his nose. He looked so calm. Like nothing was wrong. Much different from how he was when we got on the bus. I have to admit, but Ren was so cute. Oh my god, I could just stare at the small ball of perfection forever.

But my little, creepy paradise didn’t last long. His face started to contort, the calm look on his face went to a weak distressed look. Flopped his head over, trying to get comfortable, but failing miserably, this was seriously the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He still wasn’t comfortable, so without thinking, I take his head in my hands, and rest it on my shoulder. Soon he doesn’t move anymore, his breathing was somewhat back to normal, and his face, well, it wasn’t relaxed, and he must be having a bad dream. Oh well.

I need to talk to him.

I need to tell him.

So what? He and everyone else are asleep.

At least I’d get it off my chest.

(Ren POV)

I was woken my on hand on my cheek. I almost snapped my eyes open and proceed to thank the person for the love confession and say no. But something told me not to, so I pretended to sleep, I felt my head being put on someone’s shoulder. Their heart was racing. The person began to talk.

“Hi Ren.” They said quietly, wait, Baekho? “It’s Baekho.” HOLY ING BAEKHO WHATS GOING ON?

AM I DREAMING?

AM I DEAD?

DID THE BUS GET HIT AND I’M IN MY OWN PERSONAL HEAVEN?

“Sorry, for earlier…

“I just didn’t know how to act. I know you’re asleep but I still feel like I need to tell you…” He takes a deep breath.

“When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a crush on the schools pretty boy, Jung Hoseok. He was talented in many different areas, music, physical activity, looks. But my school back then wasn’t like ours is now, it was insanely homophobic. Gay was bad. Gay was worse than death. Worse than meeting Satan. And I am gay. I like the pretty boy. Terrible situation, huh?” He lets out a sarcastic laugh, and a takes a shaky breath, was he crying? “I confessed and I screamed at you the rest. I like him. He’s straight. Finds out he’s gay. Blames me. I feel like . I want a ual relationship with my kind of boyfriend. He says no. Then he cheats on me, in my bed, in the house I share with my brother and parents, with a boy.” Another pained laugh. “So I moved here. And found this schools pretty boy, you. You are a very beautiful boy, pretty just doesn’t cut it for you. Imidietlly, I hated you. You were just like him, on the outside. Nice to everyone. Popular. Love confessions left and right. But I honestly liked this school more, I could be gay, and not bullied to oblivion. I made my two best friends, JR and Jason, who just need to do each other already, like seriously.” Now my heart was racing, I can’t believe he’s saying this, and knows it’s me. “But you liked me. And if this were before Hoseok, I would have fallen for you immediately, but stupid life gets in the way and I’m in therapy now.  You were persistent. But my image of you never changed, sorry but for the 5 months I’ve been here I thought you were a who slept with the nearest boy.”

My heart stops, I know he thinks that, but it still hurts to hear it. “Sorry, that changed when you screamed at me the other day. And when you apologized. I still don’t know why, guess I’d like to ask you, but you know, you aren’t hearing this.” Oh but I am “I went home and thought about it. It was the first time I thought I was wrong. I kept telling myself you were like Hoseok. Then the rooming thing, and I got angry and yelled. And it was stupid of me. Though, last night I couldn’t stop thinking of you, you and you’re, uh, um… just you, Ren. You as a person. You as a boy. You as a very pretty boy. I barely got any sleep. And today, I’m sorry for calling Sulli ugly, she’s pretty. Really pretty, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to see you how I see you now, like I think it’s a crush, but I’m too scared to tell you that, of course.” I want to die right about now. He’s confessing. I- I can’t compute. I can’t. Please let me die. He didn’t say anything for a minute and I panicked. What do I say? Do I pretend I’m still asleep? Oh, ETOKKE??? I was snapped out of my thoughts as a hand to the hair that was in my face and brushed it behind my ear. “You’re so beautiful. I still can’t get over that. I think my favorite part of your face is your lips. The heart shape is so unique, so you.” I AM GOING TO DIE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

“But don’t think I like you only for your looks, oh, never. What you said today. ‘It’s not weakness if someone breaks you.’ And ‘How could someone make you cry? I would never hurt you.’ Those things stopped my heart. No one ever said anything like that to me. Never. No one told me it wasn’t my fault. No one did what you did. And I think I, I-“ He cuts off, “I think I love that.” His voice falters. OH MY GOD

THE ‘L’ WORD

LOVE

L-O-V-E

HE SAID IT

Not that he said “I love you” but CLOSE ENOUGH

IM STILL DYING

OMO

HELP

GAH.

“Not like you heard that or anything, but Choi Ren, I think I have fallen for you.” He says. Instead of taking the poor boy right then, somehow it feels right to say two words. So staying how I was, resting on his shoulder. I mutter, “Thank you.” He freezes up, going rigid, but not moving. He didn’t move for a while after that.