I laugh for loving something occasionally

        I feel the happiness more occasionally

                                But you are deep in me

Bomi’s POV:

I was done with patrol now and ended up back in my office. As I sat at my seat and looked out over the beautiful city of New York, I realised how much common sense I actually lacked. Feelings was always my least developed trait and even when I went through residency I was frequently told by the attending surgeon that I had to learn how to be less blunt with my terminology when talking to patients and their families.

Even back then I wasn’t good with emotions, I remember all the times I felt really warm around Chorong unnie. Those tingles and the surges of happiness that only she could give me they were different and special, just like her. The corners of my mouth slowly curved up without me noticing as I thought back on what happened during our exams period in her final year of high school.

Flashback

The school felt weirdly empty now that the leavers were on study leave. We first years would be leaving in a week along with the second years. As the last week of actual learning came to an end everyone started getting stressed because the actual exams were coming soon and fast.

While most of my friends had packed schedules and almost had an exam a day for the first two weeks my schedule was quite well spread and gave me regular study breaks. Even though I supposedly had the most relaxed schedule I was still stressed but not over exams. It was Chorong sunbae again, she had been on my mind ever since she left, which was weird. I didn’t want to bother her so I didn’t text her and at the same time I had a feeling she wouldn’t reply because she didn’t when I sent a little cheering message during her “final assignment surge”.

That endless, bottomless pit of loneliness came back again, so I confided in my Hayoungie who was the best with emotions and feelings stuff.

“So you want me to tell you what’s going on, unnie?” she asked me with a puzzled look on her face. “Yes, I mean no, uh kind of?” I babbled for a bit since it was something I didn’t know much about myself. “Basically, there’s been this girl on my mind a lot recently. When I see her or do skinship with her I get these tingles, my temperature skyrockets and everything at that moment feels nice. But when I don’t talk to her or see her there’s this weird lonely feeling like my chest is doing really uncomfortable flips. See I don’t know what’s going on but I was hoping you’d know so yeah…” I finished all in one go. She rolled her eyes for a bit then laughed. “Well Sherlock, obviously you like her.” I laughed at her response. “Of course I like her, she’s my closest friend.”

She gave me an “are you serious” look before continuing. “I mean, you like-like her, as in you want to date her, you want to kiss her and you want her to only be yours. That kind of like. Pabo unnie!” I paused for a moment and thought about it, if I put it that way then yes, everything made sense. I liked Chorong unni which was why I got the tingles when we hugged, missed her more than anyone else, reason why she was bright and stood out from others and why I felt horrible seeing her with others. I was jealous, because I liked her.

“I’m pretty sure she likes you too though…” I heard Hayoung trail off. “You’re kidding right? There’s no way she’d like her dongsaeng.” I fired back with a cheeky grin; since there was absolutely no way she would like me. “Think back on your conversations captain oblivious, has she ever hinted that she liked you at all?” Hayoung asked in an exaggerated tone.

I thought back through all our conversations and slowly some moments where we talked about dating appeared in my memory. “Well there was this one time when I asked what kind of guys she liked and she told me that recently she thought that she only had to find a guy that cared for her like I did.” I replied. “See!” Hayoung tried interjecting but I cut her off. “But then I asked her if she was alright with someone who was like that but was younger than her or looked weird like me.” Hayoung stared at me in anticipation, “and what did she say?” I sighed before replying. “She said that age doesn’t matter and that I didn’t look weird “pabomi you look cute” were her exact words.” Hayoung let out a squeal before giving me her advice. “See? Even if she doesn’t like you, you still have a chance!” I thought about it and realised that she was right so I just nodded.

“You guys are meeting up after her last exam right?” She interrogated. Again I just nodded in response. “You should tell her how you feel then!” She announced and I nodded again. “But why?” I asked and she nearly fell off her chair. “Aish, unnie you really are a pabo. So you can find out if she likes you or not. Are you really the genius who’s in two advanced classes?” She rebutted sarcastically and scanned me up and down. I chuckled and for the first time I felt like all the weight in my chest was gone and replaced with a comforting and warm feeling. “Thanks Hayoung-ah.” I said as I heard the bell ring for the next class.

The remainder of the week flew past and soon we were all studying, cramming and doing whatever we could to get prepared. The exams weren’t too bad and before I knew it I was sitting my second to last exam, Japanese. I was fairly confident with the subject and because there were only two papers I finished and left earlier than I had expected.

I headed to the library and studied for my last exam which was the following day as I waited for Chorong unnie. I was just finishing with static electricity when I saw her walking towards me. “Hey, you finished early?” Unnie asked as she looked at the sky. “Yeah, it was a two paper exam so no surprises there.” I replied as I followed her gaze.

“Don’t get cocky, you little byun.” She teased. I puffed my cheeks. “I’m not a byun! I’m not cocky either! The sky looks a bit grey though, so how about you come over and chill instead of us going out?” I probably shouldn’t have asked that because her next reply made me realise I set myself up. “Asking me to your house? You really are a byun.” She continued teasing. I stood there shocked from Chorong unnie’s teasing as usual, before she pinched my cheek and I snapped out of it.

“I’m just kidding, let’s go then!” She said and we started walking back to my place.

Just as we got inside the house the sound of thunder boomed which surprised us and without thinking she clung to my arm. The warm tingle returned, really? This is getting a bit inappropriate… “Unnie, are you ok?” I asked in the gentlest tone I could muster. I felt her nod against my arm. “It looks like there’s going to be a storm tonight, would you mind staying over since it’s dangerous for you to go home alone?” I asked again but all I got was silence. Then I heard her mumble in her childish voice. “You…” I looked at her head still attached to my arm. “Yes?” I said in whisper. “You…really are a byun aren’t you.” She looked up again with a teasing grin. “Yah! How could you tease me like that? I was actually worried!” I puffed my cheeks and showed my usual aegyo.

“Aw, sunbae is sorry Bbom-ah.” She cooed as she patted my head and pinched my cheeks. “I’ll stay since pabomi is worried about me.” I smiled and hoped she didn’t see my red ears since I felt them getting hot when I heard her call me by the nickname she made for me. “Anyway, as payment for letting me stay I’ll make dinner for tonight ok?” She said as she placed her items in the guest room.

It was a good thing that we both lived alone; it saved us the trouble of notifying others. “I can help out too if you want-“I started but was cut off. “Don’t you have a physics exam tomorrow?” I tried to protest. “Yes but, how-“But I got interrupted again by the motherly Chorong unnie. “You do so you need to study. No buts. As for how I know your exam timetable? I sent it to you in term one pabo. Now go study while I make dinner Bbom-ah.” She gently ordered.

Which was how we ended up with Chorong unnie cooking and me working on the dining table, to be honest it looked like we were a couple in this scenario. Even though I was staring at my physics notes the fact that my crush was making dinner for me was really keeping all those formulas out of my head. I was confident about physics anyway so it didn’t really matter that all I could think about now was unnie.

“Dinner’s ready!” Chorong unnie shouted from the kitchen area which was right next to my dining table. “You don’t have to yell you know?” I said as I tidied up for dinner. “Hehe, mianhae Bbom-ah I just wanted to try it at least once.” I smiled at her childish act then sat down and enjoyed dinner, omelette rice. We didn’t really talk as we ate but she did try to feed me “Bbom-ah say ‘Chorong-ah~’” I blushed. “Unnie, this is embarrassing…” She giggled and continued to hold the spoon of rice in my face. “No one will see this anyway, say ‘Chorong-ah~’” I turned completely red and obeyed her in the end. “Ch-ch-chorong-ah~” she fed me and smiled as I ate. Seeing that my actions made her smile made me think the embarrassment was worth it.

I was about to do the dishes when unnie shoved me back to my notes saying, “I’ll wash the dishes, you need to study!” I followed her words obediently and as I read through my notes I heard her yell again from the kitchen. “Your mug has permanent coffee stains! You shouldn’t even be drinking coffee at your age!” She scolded from her position. I grinned back at her and even though I was being scolded there was that warm feeling in my chest that only Chorong unnie could make me feel.

After washing up and chilling a bit we decided to go to bed since I had an exam the next morning. I was just in bed reviewing some notes when Chorong unnie came in. “Unnie, what’s wrong? You can’t sleep?” I asked in a concerned voice that I didn’t know I had. She nodded. “I can’t sleep alone in new places…” She mumbled in her trademark cute voice.

“If you don’t mind you could-“I blushed at my suggestion but before I finished she was already next to my bed. I scooted over and patted the empty space next to me. She crawled in and I turned off the light as we prepared to sleep. Moonlight was coming in through my windows as we awkwardly lay on our backs. I looked over at her and for the first time since I realised I had a crush on her I saw how pretty she was. With her straight brown locks, angelic features and the certain gentleness that graced her face as a whole. She wasn’t perfect but she was beautiful.

I turned to my side to get more comfortable but what really caught me off guard was that Chorong unnie turned too which left us facing each other with almost no space between us. “Unnie…” I murmured as her breath was fanning my slowly burning face. She put a finger to my lips and asked me the most random question ever. “Why don’t you call me sunbae anymore?”

I looked everywhere except at her when I answered. “Because it’s weird to call your crush with such a distant and formal title…” I said and blushed really hard as the words left my lips. When I finally looked at her I saw her head was down. “I’m sorry unnie, it’s fine if you don’t like me it’s just that I was told that I should at least let you know and aish, why did I even listen to Hayou-“I was cut off when I felt something warm on my lips and was surprised to find Chorong unnie with eyes closed as the moonlight shone on her pretty face with her lips on mine.

After what felt like an eternity we finally parted but the fragile silence was broken by her this time. I waited for unnie’s reply to my confession as I regained my breath. “I’m sorry Bbom-ah,” my heart fell as I heard those words. “I do like you but I don’t know if it’s ok for me to be dating my dongsaeng. I mean I don’t mind it but I don’t know about you. What if you thought I was too old for you? I thought someone your own age like Naeun might be better for you than me, so I pushed you to her and away from me even though I just wanted you to be with me.” She was still babbling but now I saw really evident blushing on her entire face. My chest was warmer than ever as I listened to her touching confession.

I lifted her by her chin with a finger and interrupted her lecture, “be with me then.” I said as I reconnected our lips and pulled her closer. She didn’t resist and I felt her melt into me as I held her close. The tingles were stronger than ever now and as I felt unnie’s lips move against my own my brain became a squishy mess. As our lips continued to move in sync things began to heat up. We continued to kiss throughout the night until eventually we both became tired and fell asleep after kissing. A lot.

The next morning I woke up in Chorong unnie’s embrace, while I would’ve loved to stay and just stare at her angelic face forever. I had an exam to get to. I barely managed to slip out without waking her and prepared myself to leave for my physics exam but not before I made her breakfast and kissed her on the forehead as she was still in bed. With a boost of confidence and a spring in my step I headed off to my final exam.

That was the last time I saw unnie. When I went home after my exam all traces of her being there were gone and even after exams, during the holidays I didn’t see her at all. Again I tried messaging her but her method of not replying came back again. Though I did see her updates with photos of herself and other friends so I figured she was just too busy. Again.

Flashback ends

I looked at my watch; its hands displayed the time 3:15, meaning I had around 3 hours before my shift was over. I gave one last look at the beautiful city view and noticed a dark rain cloud approaching slowly. Looks like it’s going to rain tonight… I decided to check the forecast before I returned to my work and sure enough a storm was coming tonight.

With a sigh I stretched and returned to looking at some patients’ documents. “…chose withdrawal of care after 30 days…” choosing to die rather than remain in a comatose state was like leaving because you have no choice. It was the better choice as it meant less suffering for both parties. Or so I used to think.

Flashback

“So we’ll have Eunji and team A on photography for night one and then team B and I will remain backstage for…” It was that time of the year again as I was explaining our roles on the nights of the production in our backstage meeting that day when our current leader, Eunji, interrupted me. “Hey pabomi, look who came!” I turned my head and there she stood no different from the last time I saw her, same angelic face and stunning smile, only now she was in university.

“Hey guys, how’s everything going?” Chorong unnie asked. Everyone was surprised by her sudden visit but as she walked in I was even more surprised. She was holding a guy’s hand. Even though I was always called a genius, for once I hoped I was wrong. Please just be a friend… please just be a friend… I silently repeated in my head. The question that had been on everyone’s mind was finally voiced out by none other than our nosy leader.

“Eh hem! Is there someone you want to introduce Chorong unnie?” she teased with a smirk while I was already dying before I heard the answer. “This is Suho… my boyfriend…” unnie blushed and mumbled out. Suho-ssi let an awkward “nice to meet you” and chuckle as I saw their hands squeeze each other’s tighter.

If heartbreak was audible then the room would’ve been filled with the sound of crashing plates. I felt hot tears threatening to rush out of my eyes so I decided to excuse myself. “I’m going to go check on the props team and see if they need help.” I told the air around me hoping someone would hear.

Where I ended up going however was the art supplies room because I knew no one could get in there unless they had the password which only some art students knew. I was about to break down in what I thought would be a perfect place for embarrassing moments like this when I heard steps and a familiar voice.

”Looks like they don’t bother changing the password every year anymore, I thought you were going to check on props.” Chorong unnie’s teasing tone would’ve been music to my ears if she had appeared alone today. “They needed extra metallic paint so I was just looking for some…” I lied smoothly. I had forgotten that being an ex photography student at this school meant Chorong unnie also knew the password.

“I see… hey Bomi what do you think, about Suho?” She suddenly voiced out as I pretended to look for some paint and brushes. Bomi, not Bbom-ah anymore… “He’s…nice…” I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t exactly voice out my thoughts which involved hurting the poor guy because of my own feelings.

“That’s it? Nothing else?” she continued to ask. “No advice? Compliments or insults even?” That was when I had enough, the fact that my crush, who I never given up on despite not seeing her for two years, gave up on me first really hurt me emotionally and mentally. “You want insults? Ok then, he’s the bastard that took away the only person who I’ve ever loved. I hate his guts because he robbed me of my happiness. There! You happy?!” I exploded without a thought.

She stood there stunned for a while before arguing back. “He didn’t steal me, I fell for him! Besides, who the hell kisses someone then leaves without a word?!” I laughed sarcastically. “I left you? Earth to Park Chorong, I had to leave! Did you forget that I had an exam the next day?” I shouted back.

“You’re so immature! Why did I ever consider having a future with you in the first place, Yoon Bomi?” She screamed right back. “Right, you’re being real mature. Well then since you don’t think we have a future anymore then let’s just say that nothing happened in the first place!” I retorted. “Fine!” was her final word before she slammed the art supply room door.

Now that I was alone in the supply room again, I punched the nearest metal cabinet and swore as my knuckles began to bleed. Finally the tears that I had been holding back slid down my cheeks uncontrollably. The pain in my chest was unbearable, not only had I lost my crush completely. I pushed her away even further when she tried to come close again. I sat there in a ball just wailing for what felt like forever.

30 minutes later, I returned to the meeting and by then the couple was gone as well as the evidence of me weeping.

I’m going to let her go…

Flashback end

I checked my watch again, 4:44 guess it’s time to make a wish. I did this a lot, wishing. Though I have a degree in science I often wished on many things. Shooting stars, clocks, fountains even rainbows. I always wished on these things and every time I would wish for the same thing.

Please get rid of my feelings for her.

Liking her was ok, but loving her would hurt not only me but the others that are around me. It would drive me mad to love someone who I could never have and yet no matter how hard I wished the feelings never went away. I had started wishing 6 years ago just when I started university, just when my life encountered another big bump.

Flashback

I looked at the white envelope that I had just received in the mail. It was made from a delicate kind of paper and had a unique design which was not usually seen. ‘To Yoon Bomi’ was written in classy lettering on the front. Upon opening the envelope however, I had to control myself so I wouldn’t rip the flimsy piece of paper to shreds. It read:

“You, Yoon Bomi, are courteously invited to the wedding of Kim Suho and Park Chorong on February 14th.”

I felt tears coming on again and as they silently flowed down my face I checked my calendar where the date February 20^th had been marked. I looked at the date for the wedding, Valentines, I knew what I was about to do was stupid but I had to do it. I called Naeun. “Hey, is it ok if we head over a week earlier? I want to get settled in earlier.” I lied without batting an eyelash. There was silence on the other side of the line before I heard her gentle voice. “I got the invitation too, sure, let’s leave earlier.” Naeun replied while uncovering my lie. “Thanks, I’m sorry for doing this.” I felt guilty once I knew she already figured out my plan. “It’s ok unnie, you’re human too. I know you might not be able to face this.” I smiled as she was able to understand me a bit. “We should probably start packing now then. I’ll talk to you later, I love you, Bomi unnie.” I froze; even though we were dating I still couldn’t say those three words back. Deep down I knew I could only say those three words to one person. The person I could never have.

“It’s ok; I know you can’t say it yet. Anyway, bye!” she hung up as cheerfully as she could. My only reply was a quietly murmured “bye…” I then sent a message to Chorong unnie and hoped for a reply. ‘Can we meet somewhere this Sunday? We need to talk.’ Within 5 minutes a reply came. ‘Acube café at 2’ Sunday was the 13^th; I made a mark on my calendar then went to start packing.

The following Sunday…

I had just received my order, an ice chocolate frappe, as I looked around the café. It was a nice relaxing place, with comfortable armchairs and plenty of books. The feeling of warmth and just being cosy about this place was one that I treasured. I wondered if The States had a place like this. While I was still daydreaming about missing this place the person I had been waiting for had already sat down in front of me.

“One ice Americano please.” She ordered as the waitress jotted down her order and left us. “You never drank Americano before.” I said in casual but curious tone. She looked at me and smiled in a sad and strange way before replying. “People change.” She shrugged her shoulders before continuing in her unchanged cute voice. “You’re not coming tomorrow are you?” she asked in her usual straightforward manner.

I was about to answer when her order arrived, she took a sip of the drink as I spoke. “I have to pick up Naeun tomorrow.” She nodded her head calmly but stopped abruptly when she heard my next sentence. “We’re leaving to attend university in The States.” She looked up at me with her famous cold glare this time and even after all these years I could still feel myself shrinking a bit under her gaze.

“You’re doing this to avoid the wedding right? Why?” she interrogated. Because I can’t stand seeing you look beautiful for someone that’s not me. Otherwise known as, “no,” She gave me an ‘oh really’ look as she easily saw through my horrible lie. Really Yoon Bomi, was ‘no’ all you could say? I thought frustratingly. What came out of next was something completely unexpected though. “You’re still so childish aren’t you? Drinking chocolate frappes.” I smiled at her, sincerely with my old cheeky and toothy smile, the one I thought would never appear ever again.

“You told me before.” I quietly breathed out. “What?” this time the surprised expression was etched on her face. “You told me before that I shouldn’t drink coffee often.” I eased her expression as the memory of her scolding me whilst holding my coffee mug as she was washing the dishes came back to me again. She looked at me for a while before utter shock was written in every inch of her face.

“Oh my god, you still have feelings for me don’t you?” she exclaimed as the shock remained on her face. I sipped my frappe as I watched her piece everything together, not denying anything. “The attitude during my visit and those years of no contact… It all makes sense now…” she muttered to herself. She finally looked me in the eye again after 5 minutes of self muttering. If she still had a chance to be mine I would’ve laughed at her cuteness for talking to herself.

“I’m sorry Bbom-ah…” my expression softened when I heard her call me by her special pet name again. “That morning when I woke up and you weren’t next to me I had assumed that you were just treating me as a temporary crush. So I thought you would move on during the years we were apart…” I looked up and for the first time since we fought I saw tears b in her eyes.

Like second nature, I offered her a tissue as I moved to her side of the table and hugged her tightly just for comfort, nothing else. There was one line that I had to say to her though; even now I had to tell her. “I still love you.” I murmured softly. She stiffened a bit in my embrace but I was glad she didn’t slap me or anything. “Bomi-ah, it’s too late… I’m with Suho now…” though her words pierced my heart like knives I faked a chuckle and managed to pull it off as a joke. “I’m just kidding, I’m happy for you unnie.” I said with my Oscar-winning, fake smile.

“B-b-bbom-ah…” she stuttered out before crying out again this time with tears of joy. I sat next to her while comforting her and hypnotising myself. If Chorong unnie is happy then I should be happy. Yes, as long as unnie’s happy I’m happy. But obviously my heart was going against my mind because at the end of all that hypnotising my feelings were still persistent and they answered back. Bull.

“So you’re really not coming to the wedding?” she asked as she had calmed down a bit. I was back on my side of the table with my frappe again. “Like I said we have to go over there early to settle into our dorms.” Unnie nodded again and for once it felt like our usual mood was back. The comfortable silence as we appreciated each other’s company. The kind of scenario we had before all these crazy feelings got involved.

As we walked out the café together she asked me yet another question. “You’re picking up Naeun right? So are you guys dating?” I gave her a cheeky smirk before answering her. “Unnie! Since when were you so nosy? And yeah, we’re dating.” She looked at me then smiled like a mother before ruffling my hair. “Aigoo, my baby Bomi is all grown up now, moving on and liking other people besides her unnie.”

Though I knew she was joking I couldn’t help but contradict her because of my honest and blunt nature. “I’m not. I don’t have feelings for Naeun.” I deadpanned. She looked at me like I was crazy as I reasoned out my answer. “I’m dating her because you told me to look after her.” I could see her eyes turn glassy again as I turned the opposite way she was headed. “Well, I’m going this way.” I said as I knew our final farewell was here.

“Bye bye Chorong unnie.” I said and did my best to smile even though I could feel the burning stinging of tears threatening to spill any second. I turned and left before she replied. Every person I passed looked at me funny for having two streaks of tears flowing down my face right before Valentine’s Day.

Flashback end

                                                                                          Somebody not you hugs me

                                                                                  And somebody not me hugs you

It was dark out now as New York’s lights shimmered in the jet black sky. I was going through my final few documents and just logging all my details of the day into the computer when a pair of hands covered my eyes. “Guess who?” the nasally yet soft voice of my girlfriend said. I smirked before replying. “There’s only one person in the entire hospital that does that to me Nurse Son.” I heard her puff out a breath before uncovering my eyes and giving me a back hug.

“You’re no fun, you know that?” She whined as she pouted in front of me. I chuckled and peck her lips. “Is it time for us to go home already?” I asked in an effort to change topics. It seemed to work because her next sentence had nothing to do with me and having fun. “Let’s get home quick, since you have to study your patient notes, I’ll make dinner. It’s omelette rice today!” She happily announced as she dragged me out of my office and towards my car.

We had managed to get home just before it started to really pour down. As I looked out the window at the torrent outside, my fond memories of the rain and you came back. While Naeun was beautiful in her own way, great at art and extremely caring as well, I still felt empty every time it rained, because she isn’t Chorong unnie. “Dinner’s ready!” Naeun’s voice snapped me out of my reminiscing episode as I found myself chuckling bitterly. Omelette rice for dinner on a rainy day? How ironic. I sat down at the table and was about to start eating only to find myself being fed again. “Unnie! Say ‘Naeun-ah~’”

Only this time it wasn’t by the person I had hoped it would be.

                                              The words that I didn’t say yet remain in my mouth

                                                                       The love that I didn’t give wholly remains in my mind

                                                                                                                            Maybe you’re still in me…

                                                   The End

Author's Note: here is part 2 as promised. I should really think of some happier ideas. (maybe in time for Valentines?) But, anyway thanks for all the supporting comments and I hope you enjoyed this story. ^_^

@IKpOpluv: Don't worry I'm not the type to kill off my characters, they're either dead already (eg. before the story even starts) or they've been planned to die (eg. like if the story theme was murder-mystery) I don't just kill them for tragedy. ^^