Bomi’s POV:

The smell of bleach mingled with the pleasant scent of soft grass as I opened the doors that led to the small courtyard like garden behind the hospital. It was the first sunny day we’ve had in a while; most of the patients were outside enjoying themselves with games or just sitting on benches. As I walked to my usual bench I heard multiple patients call out to me.

“Doctor Yoon! Let’s play catch!”

                                      “Good afternoon Doctor Yoon.”

“Shift rotation time already, Doctor?”

I smiled and waved back as I sat down on my bench. Here under a tree in the corner of the garden you could see everything: the sunlight that reflected in the pond, the playful younger patients and the elderly sitting in the small pagoda. Everything seemed perfect. But for me nothing is perfect anymore because the only perfect thing in my life wasn’t here with me. A pained expression appeared on my face as all our memories came flooding back.

Flashback

I ran into the classroom not even bothering to check my watch as I hurried in. For once I was late to Japanese class and to top things off my usual seat was taken, leaving me with either the floor or a seat next to one of our troubled students in the class. I puffed out my cheeks (a habit I have when I’m about to do something I’m not used to) and walked towards the only empty seat in the room.

Let the awkwardness begin…

I thought as I sat down and looked at the girl beside me. She gave me a look that was between a glare and a confused stare. Her fringe had given more expression to her eyes than necessary and even though she was shorter than me I somehow felt intimidated by this girl. Her clothes told me next to nothing about her though other than telling me she was a complete girly girl. Other than her fashion style and scary eyes I only knew her last name because our teacher only ever called us by our last names so that left me with pretty much nothing to work with.

Halfway through the lesson we were given a revision test and as usual I finished quickly as I was one of the few who actually used Japanese outside of class. I got my test marked and scored a perfect 100. Again. As I sat back down at my desk I saw the girl, “Park-san” as the teacher called her, struggling with her paper. I didn’t know what came over me then but before I could stop myself I had out my paper in front of her.

“H-here, it’s n-not even a serious test anyway.” Despite the stuttering I spoke in a nervous tone that I barely ever used. I looked over at the girl with the scary gaze and saw her smile then smirk at me. “It doesn’t count as cheating if I just happened to see your sheet lying around.” She had this cheeky feeling to her, even though her voice was childish and her smile was just… wow.

She thought ahead too, I watched as she chose to copy enough answers to barely pass then got her paper marked. When she sat down again she mumbled out a small sentence, “So that it’s not too obvious…” I looked at the girl beside me; it only occurred to me then that she was special somehow but exactly how I wasn’t sure so I just gave her a smile and focused back on the lesson.

Soon the lesson was over and I watched her (not in a creepy way) as we packed our things and left. She walked past as her long brown hair flowed behind her. “See ya next week Yoon Bomi. Thanks again for the test; you should really try to learn some names.” She smirked again before leaving with her mum. I was awkwardly flustered.

She knew my name…how?

At that moment another girl in my class walked out, Kim Namjoo, I went to her store often to buy flowers so I knew her better. “Don’t worry about Chorong unnie’s attitude too much, she’s always like this.” She patted me on the shoulder then left too.

So her name’s Chorong… Park Chorong…

Flashback end

That was the first time I met her. When I was only 10 and still awkward with every stranger I met. Chorong unnie on the other hand radiated coldness with every look she sent out. Back then she was only a friend, back then I wouldn’t have guessed that she would somehow influence the next 15 years of my life.

I scanned the courtyard, even though I was on break I still had to make sure everyone here was well and healthy. That’s when I noticed a girl behind a tree. She had what looked like a box of chocolates behind her and as I followed her gaze I realised she was staring at another patient. A girl; around her age with an innocent eye-smile but sadly had some form of cancer as she was wearing a hat tightly around her head which didn’t have a single lock of hair.

That hiding method only kicked me into remembering another moment I had shared with you.

Flashback

It was the first day of intermediate; I sat at the back of the hall with some of my other friends from primary as I nervously waited to be sorted into a class. I did not expect it when I was called straight away into the first class. I filed out following my new teacher and briefly waved to my parents before starting my first day.

It was your cliché first day, with everyone getting to know each other. After I had finished school, my mum came to pick me up and of course she talked about the sorting classes’ event earlier in the morning. “Chorong came to see you too you know?” That was something I did not expect. After all Chorong sunbae was two years above me in school years so she shouldn’t even be in intermediate in the first place.

I ended up confronting the new high school student the following weekend at Japanese class. She gave me a teasing smile and simply said “You look good in red.” I couldn’t help but feel my face heat up a bit as she referred to my new uniform. She laughed in her usual cold giggle-laugh. Who knew that the cold senior Park Chorong would pay so much attention to me?

That was when we started becoming closer. Sunbae still bullied me a bit but for some reason I was used to it. Maybe it was because I could somehow feel warmth behind that cold exterior. As I spent more time with her I suddenly found myself looking forward to Japanese class more and hoping that we can stay like this for a few more years.

Only for my dreams to be crushed, halfway through that very year she quit the course because she had more schoolwork to deal with. I was sad to see her go but I put up a strong front while thinking I’d never see her again. I returned to being the “cold genius” of the class again because the light that melted me called Park Chorong was gone.

Little did I know that she would come back into my life again sooner or later.

Flashback end

I walked over to the little girl and crouched next to her. “Hey, what’s your name?” I gave her a smile as well hoping that she won’t be intimidated. “I’m Yura, are you a doctor?” She was shy but also brave enough to show her curiosity. I chuckled and patted her head, “I’m Doctor Yoon. Are those chocolates for her?” I pointed at the little girl and tried to ignore how it felt like we were playing 20 questions.

Little Yura nodded eagerly “but I don’t know if she can have these kinds of things…” This kid was a lot more careful than I had imagined. I briefly looked over the chocolate box and smiled at Yura again. “It’s fine, she can have them. Now give them to her before she goes back and you’re too late ok? You wouldn’t want her to miss out on something sweet right?”

Yura looked like she was going to fracture her neck as she sped up her nodding and ran off to give the chocolates to the little girl. I watched them interact and go back inside together as Yura waved good bye to me. I waved back and once they were out of sight I slumped back against the tree where Yura had used to hide.

I looked out at the people around the courtyard two patients, a couple, sat on a bench as the warm sunlight illuminated their faces. Happiness was etched into every nook and cranny of their features, the idea of being sick and in a hospital didn’t seem to faze them as they whispered “I love you” and other sweet nothings into each other’s ears.

It was a nice sight; it reminds you of how nothing matters when you’re in love. All that mattered was that the one you loved with all your heart was beside you at the moment. You two only lived for the moment and as if time stood still you were both completely submersed in your own world. I missed that feeling, since it had been a while since I’ve felt those butterflies in my stomach.

Flashback

I always hated going overseas in the holidays. Why couldn’t we just stay in South Korea? At least the air was clean, the streets weren’t too crowded and I had friends. It was the second day of my holiday trip to The States and aside from walking past way too many artificially bright signs while breathing in deep breaths of toxic pollution there was absolutely nothing to do.

I would rather stay at home reading or listening to music while staring out at our ocean view then go out these days. It was winter right now and everywhere we went the streets were filled with couples warming up together or children playing in the snow.

Every night I got home at around 10pm and would just stay up till 2am reading or doing something because the jet lag wasn’t exactly getting better, some of my friends were online for a talk starting from then because of the 14 hour time gap. Tonight however, was different. As I went online to check my facebook and expecting everyone to be online again I only found two people online.

One of them was my classmate from earlier on in the year; turns out she was in The US too. But she was in Florida with her family while I was in New York with mine, so we couldn’t really meet up conveniently. The other was Chorong sunbae, who was now about to begin her final year in high school. We hadn’t really talked much aside from a brief conversation about this music group we both liked.

It’s like noon in Seoul now… I wonder if she’s had lunch yet.

We started off a bit awkward because we used to be good friends but haven’t spoken in such a long time. After a few nights of chatting though, we ended up getting along pretty well and soon my highlight of the day was talking to her late at night until she had to go to sleep. Even though we were hours apart it felt like sunbae was right next to me, in our own little world.

As the days till I left for home got less and less, I began to feel happier with each day. While I had begun to take a liking to New York, it just wasn’t the same as Seoul. New York made days feel like seconds as I rushed through the day just so I could meet Chorong sunbae again at night. However once I get back to Seoul I could actually see her, in person.

Excitement coursed through my veins and for once I was eager to start the new school year.

I can’t believe that after all these years we can still be like this…

Flashback end

I loved talking to her, every time we had a conversation it felt like I could throw all my stress, my problems and worries into the bin and actually enjoy the little time we spent just chatting. How I missed that warm happy feeling. The feeling of being loved when one can actually feel how much the other cared for them. That was us once, but it’s been too long since I’ve felt that warmth.

I continued my patrol duty and watched as I saw another couple this time they were younger and the girl was visiting her boyfriend who had landed himself in hospital. She was scolding him in a caring but aggressive way and her boyfriend didn’t seem to mind. From the girlfriend’s point of view she must’ve thought she was being a mean girlfriend in front of others because she stopped and just reprimanded him gently after a while. To me however it seemed like a nice picture, a couple showing how much they care for each other using different ways either by listening or vocally expressing.

Just like what we once were like caring for each other just quietly, in our own little ways.

Flashback

It was now the first holiday of the year, throughout term 1 Chorong sunbae and I had talked to each other, texted each other and met up in as well as out of school a lot. We would talk to each other at least once a day, whether it was in person or just by messages. It was like a routine for us. Even our friends knew about it and they asked if we were dating but obviously we always answered with a “no” since we were just really close friends.

Being a senior she had leadership roles to cover and sometimes I’d help her with them. Either she’d ask me or I’d do something for her. She was in charge of helping some new students around school and since one of them was in my classes she told me to look after her. I ended up befriending the girl, Son Naeun; she was easy to get along with too and very different from Chorong sunbae.

Sunbae was childish looking and cute whilst Naeun was mature and resembled a doll. The older girl liked simple things that stood out alone; the latter preferred the newest items on market that ranged from technology to clothing. They were polar opposites that were also similar in the way that they were both caring to their friends.

Other than helping sunbae babysit Naeun I’d either make her lunch or a snack just to brighten up her day? I don’t know why but she seemed happy whenever she received food from me whether it was a sandwich or pudding. Her smiles that I got in return were worth everything I did. They had this weird ability to just lighten up my mood. In fact her overall presence was enough to make me happy. I often thought to myself then, “Was it the same for sunbaenim?”

I was hoping to ask her out again this holiday; however she had to go overseas for a family gathering. So I just spent more time with her chatting before she left. Chorong sunbae told me she was leaving on a late flight with her mum and would be gone for only ten days. Some reason, for me ten days felt a bit too many. She was always the type to like company or didn’t mind it so I came up with a little mission.

On the night of sunbae’s flight (which was at 5am in the morning) I texted her endlessly, not in an annoying way but just chatting with her, just keeping her company. Even though she did try to shoo me off a few times with excuses like: “kids shouldn’t stay up so late!” or “even my mum thinks you’re crazy!” and the most common one being “yah pabomi! Aren’t you tired?”

I somehow made it to 5:30am and finally went to sleep when Chorong sunbae told me she was boarding. I ended up getting around 4 hours of sleep that night because I had Japanese class the next morning. Though I was a zombie for the whole day, I felt like a happy zombie because I had successfully completed my mission of staying up for Chorong sunbae.

Though I did get scolded really badly the following night when she had landed and messaged me again.

A caring type of scolding… something only she could do that actually worked on me.

Flashback end

I smiled as I now saw the couple happily staring at each other and holding hands. It was nice to see such warm scenes in a cold and eerie place like this. Of course not only happy scenes are on show in a hospital, after all a hospital not only marks the beginning of life but also the end.

I quietly walked past a private room and clearly heard sobs emitting from inside, as the family and friends lament over their loss. We as doctors were trained to control our emotions and always remember that life goes on. We learn to let go and move on, similarly the dead have just moved onto the next part of their journey.

Before they leave everyone crowds around them saying their last goodbyes as tears are shed and often hugs are present. Yes, leavers always got a lot of attention, even if they weren’t dying; it just seemed to be a habit for humans to cry when someone leaves.

Flashback

Finally after three months of work the school production was ready to be performed. Every year our school would recruit members into the production team whether it be acting or backstage work. Even though I wasn’t much of an artist I somehow managed to get into the backstage team. Though everyone thought I did great despite being the worst in the whole team, I think I got in maybe because Chorong sunbae was one of our leaders.

We had three shows: Saturday night, Sunday afternoon and Sunday night. Tonight was the last show. We were busier than ever with everyone rushing to get the groups on as well as making sure that we would have enough time for the annual member finale. I ended up spending only 5 minutes with sunbae for the whole show. She was writing a message in a card and so I just sat next to her and we silently enjoyed each other’s company with my friends stupidly teasing us in the background. I felt cheeky and nabbed her snapback (every member of our team had one) as a result I got a slap and a red mark on my left arm. “Yah pabomi don’t cause trouble even when you’re on break!”

While I was still on break and Chorong sunbae was back on duty backstage, Naeun came in from finishing her performance since she was in the dance troupe. We talked for a bit as she showed me her costume and a bit of her dance. It was her first year in the production and she seemed pretty happy with the experience. Eventually my break was over and I went backstage while she stayed behind in the waiting room with her fellow dancers.

For the finale we were basically a mash of all the members but in our own groups, so backstage was one row while choir was another and etc. The thing that surprised me was that we had to hold hands with our members too. I ended up having to hold hands with sunbae’s friend Sojin, who was another senior. I didn’t know why but I looked over at Chorong sunbae and felt relieved for some reason when I saw she was paired with my friend Eunji rather than one of our guy members. “Why would I feel relieved? None of my business anyway.” I thought as I smiled at Sojin sunbae and continued to awkwardly hold her hand.

Once the show had ended and we took the huge photo of all our members and crew, some groups had stayed behind to have a private final farewell. Our group being one of them took some photos with Chorong sunbae as memories for her to take with her since it was the last year she could participate in the production. I looked around and found almost everyone in tears, even Eunji was crying. Only a few of us weren’t tearing up.

I got hugged too even though I wasn’t leaving. This girl in my math class, Hong Yookyung, gave me a hug which I didn’t return due to shock since I only got to know her better on the night of the first show. I looked around while being embraced and caught sunbae glaring at me. But what surprised me more was that Chorong sunbae hugged me next and this time despite the shock I hugged her back. A strange warmth spread through me and once she let go shortly after, it was gone. Some reason I missed the feeling and it felt like a piece of me had left.

So after she was done talking to some others I walked up to her. “Why’d you let go so quickly?” I asked her in a tone more forward than I had imagined. She looked at me then looked back at the ground before replying quietly. “You don’t like hugs…” I smiled warmly at her even though she wasn’t looking at me. “There are exceptions for Chorongie…” I mumbled and called her by her special nickname before engulfing her in my arms. The warmth returned as she returned my hug. It was a nice feeling and we hugged again whenever our arms were free afterwards which resulted in us just randomly clinging to each other. In fact we only reluctantly broke apart when I had to head home.

If I were to summarise that night in one word it would be: weird. Because the next day we were back to normal, no hugs or skinship except maybe a slap whenever I did something stupid. That night was definitely weird for the both of us.

Flashback end

Loss wasn’t always permanent but for some reason our brains can’t tell the difference between permanent loss and temporarily gone. Back then it felt like the same thing to me, Chorongie was someone who wasn’t dead so there was still a chance of me seeing her. But for some reason I still felt terrible. It was weird, that undeniable feeling of loneliness was only present in her absence.

Even now I feel it often, the loneliness that just makes my entire being feel empty. I walked towards the ICU unit and came across a comatose patient. He had a visitor who was waiting and staying with him. She looked like she was fine but waiting is a process that can kill you slowly on the inside. The fear of the unknown, would there be a reward for waiting? No one knows.

Patience was a trait I tried to develop in myself since I was 10. I would always seem to be ok and could wait for as long as possible but inside I knew that I was just holding it in. Enduring the torturous pain of waiting, whether it was an hour or a year, I endured and waited.

Flashback

It’s been a few weeks since the production finished and that was also the last time I talked with Chorong sunbae face to face. With mock exams coming our way the entire senior section of our school was in chaos. Everyone hogged the library and any book they could get their hands on.

We texted each other less, we were too busy after all. Throughout that entire period of time we just focused on our own work and year levels. We didn’t really see each other which really bugged me for some reason. I was supposed to be a genius who liked books and was going to be a prodigy but for some reason the only thing I wanted then was to see her or hear from her at least.

The only time I saw her within those two months after the production was on my way to my first mock exam. Sunbae was just heading home from her morning exam. We didn’t say anything. I just smiled my toothy grin and she giggled before giving me the usual slap on the arm. Even though it was just a small action I felt more comfortable and content knowing that she still saw me somehow and that she was happy for now.

The holiday after our mocks was agonising. Sunbae was busy finishing off her last few high school assignments and I was trying out for another science competition that some of my friends dragged me into. I managed to go out twice, once with my friends, Hayoung, Hyeri and Eunji and the other with Naeun because Chorong sunbae told me to ask her to hang out with me.

I don’t know why but I kept getting the feeling that sunbae was pushing me to Naeun recently. I didn’t like the thought so I shrugged it off without thinking too much. Somehow I managed to survive the break barely talking to sunbae as she wouldn’t reply to my messages. “She’s just busy, don’t bother her too much.” I often repeated like a mantra. “Too busy for me…”

By the time we went back to school, Chorong sunbae only had three weeks left until she was leaving for study break. I tried to catch her around school just to talk and ask why she’s been ignoring me even after her project was finished. I never got that chance. I would walk along paths where I had bumped into her on the way to class before but she was never there anymore. I couldn’t get a hold of her.

Until her last day, after the leavers threw an assembly for us, Eunji and I found her with her fellow leavers near the maths department.

While Eunji hugged some other seniors that she knew. I awkwardly side hugged Chorong sunbae and that tingling sensation came back again. “So this is it, huh?” I asked as casually as possible. I didn’t feel like crying though so there wasn’t much to hold in. “Well we both have an exam on the 24^th... maybe we can just relax and hang out afterwards?” Was she implying something? Don’t be stupid Bomi, why would you think she’s implying to go out with you? I zoned out for a while before being brought back by her finger snapping in front of me.

“Sure, I’ll meet you outside the library?” I managed to reply. She gave me the usual smirk which I took as a yes before we hugged a final time. Like the previous times the place suddenly became hot and I felt the comfortable yet strange tingle. The moment was broken however when she chased Eunji and I off to maths saying we’d be late for class. I thought that was the last time I would ever see Chorongie, but oh how she loved proving me wrong.