It was fairly easy for Minseok to fill himself with happiness. Surrounded by his friends, his dongsaengs, he laughed and smiled warmly, dancing for the crowd, living for the loud cheers from the fans. Baekhyun pestered him as usual before running to hide behind Chanyeol, an unsuspecting Chen getting the punishment for their behaviour. Loud beagles.

But when the doors closed behind him in the hotel room, a cold bed and silence the only things welcoming him, his heart quickly drained, all happiness slipping through the open cracks and leaving a faint chill. Routine kicked in. He dragged himself into the bathroom, clothes tossed carelessly onto the ground as he the shower, the steam wrapping him in suffocating warmth. He stood under the hot water, letting it wash over him. It was crazy, a stupid ritual, but this was his routine. The water, the steam, it was his safe place. A place for him to wash away his pain, sadness, loneliness and for him to start anew. He knew how silly it sounded, but that’s why nobody knew.

Whenever Tao would ask him to shower with him, he wouldn’t deny the boy. But even after their shower was done, he still felt dirtied, he still felt impure. He always snuck back into the bathroom for a second shower those nights.

Stepping out, he wrapped himself in a towel, and shuffled back into his empty room without picking up his scattered clothes. It was so unlike him. Being a neat freak, he was meticulous when it came to the state of his room. But right now, he couldn’t seem to care.

Planting himself face first into his overstuffed pillows, he reached over to grab his phone off the bedside table, immediately opening to the search browser, his fingers gliding to type the name he had searched so many times since they had last seen each other.

Lu Han

He scrolls through the rumours, the fan accounts of Luhan being spotted playing soccer in Beijing, the blurred images and conspiracy theorists who give their opinion on all the reasons Luhan had to leave EXO for good. He scrolls past them all, before finding another post, one he clicks on.

Why Luhan Won’t Leave EXO

He skims through the writing, nodding and agreeing with every point being made. Luhan wanted this, he wanted it so badly that he spent years in a country that he didn’t even know the language of. He worked hard to improve, worked hard to understand, and he even went against his families wishes to be here. He fought through his illness to perform in Beijing for his fans, and apologized to the fans he couldn’t be there for. That was definitely his Luhan. The last reason though, that was the one that had him smiling.

7. Luhan wouldn’t leave Xiumin.

The photos they posted were ones of happiness, of unbearable joy. Him and Luhan at the Idol Star Olympics, the Idol Futsal Championships, Airports, Performances, Interviews. They both knew they were overly touchy. But looking at the photos, Minseok was reminded of how they looked to others. The lingering glances that they thought would go unnoticed were the centre of attention, the small touches, and the constant presence by each other’s side… And that’s when it hurt.

Minseok felt his eyes begin to sting and the screen of his phone became suddenly blurry. He felt so utterly alone. He sat up and quickly brushed his eyes with the back if his palms. He grabbed his boxers and pulled them on, sliding back into the cold sheets of the bed, his tears once again sliding hot down his face.

He remembers the first time he met Luhan. The bright eyes, the beautiful face. He never thought a boy like that would even want to bother with him, would even care enough to know his name. Luhan walked up to him a few days later, asking him out on a coffee date, wanting to get to know the other boy better.

He remembers watching Luhan play football, his powerful legs and amazing technique completely obliterating every skill Minseok thought he had, and he knew Luhan would never agree to play with him. At least he thought he knew. The next week Luhan cleared his Thursday schedule to play with Minseok. And every Thursday after that.

He remembers everything about Luhan.

The way his eyes wrinkle when he laughs at Minseok’s jokes, the way his breath sends warm shivers through Minseok’s body when he has him locked in a backhug.

He also remembers being in the shower after a concert, when a shadow appeared on the other side of the curtain.

“Do you mind?” Luhan’s soft voice was barely audible over the loud water, and Minseok suddenly found it very hard to breath, and he knew it wasn’t from the steam.

“No.” Minseok heard clothes dropping to the ground, buckles being undone, and turned so he was facing the wall. When he heard the curtain move, he swore his heart stopped, only to be restarted with an electric jolt as fingers slid down his spine. The light pressure disappeared from his back, and was soon replaced on his skull. Deft fingers massaged circles onto his head, the scent of vanilla shampoo filling his nose. Nervous tension left his body as he let Luhan’s fingers wash his hair, rinsing him off when he was done, turning him to face his caregiver when he was finished.

Minseok returned the favour then, picking up the body wash and using it to wash Luhan’s chest and back, feeling a heavy stare watch him as he worked. Luhan grabbed Minseok’s hand, picking the scrub out with the other and linked their fingers as he proceeded to continue with the job of washing the smaller man. Turning off the water, he rubbed Minseok’s hair dry and wrapped him in his fluffy blue towel. Minseok looked up to see Luhan’s bright smile, the soft tug of his lips and eyes like crescent moons. He had the most wonderful eye smile.

They went to bed together that night, sharing the small bed in Minseok’s room, and for the first time in a long time, Minseok didn’t take a second shower. Laying there, wrapped in Luhan’s embrace, all his insecurities seemed to truly wash away.

*

Minseok woke up with a start, his chest heaving and his heart racing. His body was shaking, but there were no arms to wrap him up, there were no gentle words or warm caresses to chase the demons away. He clicked on his phone, an angry red reminder that it was only 2 am, and noticed his three missed calls. Lifting it up, he the name on the screen, the unfamiliar emotion that only Luhan could invoke spreading through his chest. Unlocking the device he called his voicemail, and a lightly accented voice greeted him.

“Minseokieeeee~” the voice whined, and a grin broke out onto Minseok’s face as he pictured Luhan’s small pout. “You never miss my calls. Are you okay? Take care of yourself.” Luhan seemed to pause for a moment before laughing lightly. “I know, I know. I’m one to talk. I’m dumb, and didn’t rest enough, and now look at me. Like you said, I’m getting ugly.” Another laugh sounded through the speaker, but Minseok frowned. It was impossible for Luhan to be ugly. “Unlike you, my precious Minseok. You are beautiful. Every day that passes, you seem more beautiful to me. The doctor’s say that rest is what I need, but honestly, I can’t think of anything I need more than you right now. To see your face, to have your body next to mine. Sleep is hard without you here.” Minseok could hear him shifting positions. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder, Seok-ah. But this is too much. My mom says I scream in the night sometimes, and she said I’m lucky to be home, because now I have somebody to take care of me. But I keep telling her that I’ve never been alone, that whenever I got bad, you would hold me, and the nightmares would stop. She never seems to believe me. Or, even worse, I don’t think she wants to believe me.” Minseok knew Luhan telling his parents would be a huge step, a scary one, and the fact that Luhan was taking it made his heart swell.

“But you’re the Sun, the Earth and the Sky to me Minseok. You inspire me, you make me happy. I can live without you, I’m sure, but I want to be by your side forever. Because I haven’t met anyone before who has been able to take everything in my life and just enjoy it with me. But you do, no matter how small it is. You make me fall in love with you over and over and over again, and I want to make you smile every day of your life and wow, I’m rambling, I need to shut up, but it’s almost impossible because the moment I start talking about all the reasons I love you it’s a never-ending list that you make longer with every breath you take.” Minseok was grinning from ear to ear, giddy bubbles fluttering in his chest as he listened to the message. Sooooo cheesy. But Minseok knew that was one of the many things he loved about Luhan. How he was never left doubting what Luhan felt. He simply loved the fact that Luhan wholeheartedly loved him.

“I love you. It’s that simple.” It was as if Luhan could read his mind. “I love you. And I hope you are having an amazing sleep. Dream of me~ I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Night babe.”

The line went dead, and Minseok sighed, replaying the message over and over until he fell asleep to the sound he cherished most.

*

The fans were certain Luhan wouldn’t leave. That Luhan had too much invested in EXO. But Minseok knew different. He saw the wear on the other man’s body, heard his cries at night. Minseok liked that they knew he was a reason for Luhan to stay, but he was also a reason for him to leave. He didn’t want to have to rock Luhan to sleep every night, his fingers giving soothing as the other trembled in his arms. He didn’t want to kiss away tears or swallow cries of pain. He wanted Luhan’s smile. He needed Luhan’s happiness.

He wanted Luhan to stay. He had wanted to ask Luhan to stay over and over again. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t watch Luhan deteriorate. He couldn’t watch the sickness that cast itself onto him, stealing away his life, dulling his doe-like eyes and killing his once endless spirit. It was Minseok’s choice to stay. He couldn’t force that onto Luhan.

“Baobei~” Luhan called, bringing Minseok back to their conversation. Minseok had left that morning on his own to grab a coffee, turning down anyone’s offer to accompany him.

“Ahhh, this isn’t the same, Hannie.”

“What isn’t?”

“Last time we were here, you were holding my hands. It’s cold outside! Where are you now, bapo?” Minseok smiled as he heard the sputtering on the other end of the line.

“Not fair, Seokie. Not fair at all.” Minseok could hear the slight sadness in Luhan’s voice, and panicked a little.

“It’s okay. This coffee will do. It tastes like you too. Maybe I should just date the coffee.” He could practically see Luhan rolling his eyes at that.

“Yeah yeah, tease me all you want, but you know I would be with you if I could be.” Luhan’s voice took the sad tone again, and Minseok felt his heart drop.

“No, happy news. You are with me. You’re with me in all the ways that matter. Besides, I love getting cute packages in the mail and manager-hyung getting all flustered because he thinks I’m seeing some girl.” Minseok giggled at the thought. “Imagine if he only knew.”

“I promised you forever, Minseok.” Minseok remembered that night. He remembered his 25^th birthday very well, thanks to a special deer. He began twirling the ring on his finger, the ring Luhan gave him for that promise. “Distance won’t change that.”  

*

And distance didn’t. No matter how tired, no matter how busy, there was always plenty of time for their phone calls, always time to send each other cute messages and loving photos. And the opinions of the company mattered little to Minseok, because whenever EXO happened to be in Beijing for a concert, they found a way.

Luhan would meet him up the street from the hotel, his white Mercedes pulled over and waiting as Minseok snuck around, doing his best to avoid recognition. Climbing into the car, Minseok heaved a relieved sigh, and looked over at his boyfriend, his heart leaping when he found the other staring at him, his eyes soft and loving. Minseok reached over and grabbed his hand off the steering wheel, lacing their fingers, kissing the back of it.

“It’s been so long,” he whispered, afraid that if he spoke louder, he may wake up from the dream he’s in.

“Two years. Yep.” Minseok felt the leaden weight lift off of him. If there was ever any doubt that he had fallen out of love with Luhan, it was tossed out the window with the man sitting in front of him now. Luhan leaned over to give him a small peck on the nose, his free hand brushing Minseok’s cheek.

“Come on. We’ll go back to my apartment.”

Stepping into the flat, Minseok felt strangely nervous. He had lived with Luhan for years, but this was his first time in a place so authentically his. Kicking off his shoes, he looked around, and suddenly he didn’t feel like a stranger.  

“Sorry for the mess,” Luhan said, grasping onto his hand and guiding him over to the couch where he sat down, pulling Minseok into his side.

But the apartment wasn’t a mess. It was a perfect balance between clean, and misplaced. It was Luhan, to a tee. The set up was simple, black couches and white walls. Photos, set up in random places, decorated the room. Numerous were of them. Selca’s taken, or professional shoots from their EXO days. The shoes were a mess on the floor, soccer balls tossed carelessly around and a couple blankets decorated the couches. But it was comfortable. Not messy, just… homey. He curled up against Luhan, and relished in the feeling of having him here. Even if just for a night, just for a few hours. Luhan seemed to think the same, because he wrapped himself around Xiumin, pulling him closer.

“It’s surreal, you know,” Luhan says, his fingers carding through Minseok’s hair. “I can’t believe you’re here right now. With me.” Minseok placed a finger on Luhan’s lips, gently them.

“Shhhhhh. If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up. Not yet.” He looked at Luhan’s heavily lidded eyes, and leaned in, lips brushing. “I want it to be like this. Forever.” Luhan nodded, closing the distance, and lips met in a gentle caress. It was a long, lazy kiss, with slow movements and the delicate brush of tongues. Minseok suddenly tasted salt, and opened his eyes to see Luhan crying, tears quietly rolling down his face.

“If only I was stronger, I could have stayed by your side. We could have spent everyday-“ Minseok kissed him again, this time with more force.

“No.” Minseok shook his head. “You were sick, you weren’t happy. That’s not living Han. You were strong for leaving.”

They spent the rest of the night tangled in each other, lost in their own world, soft spoken words and stolen kisses shared between them. They both knew the night would have to end, that before daybreak Minseok would have to be back at his hotel and ready to board a plane. But until then, they showered each other in love, laughing at old memories, bringing up new ones. They decided to make ramyeon at some point, but cleaning the dishes turned into a bubble war, chasing each other around with dish soap. Dish soap turned into pillows, and loud laughter rang out as Minseok tackled Luhan onto the couch, kissing him senseless.

Both of them felt light, lighter than they ever remember feeling, and Minseok etched the feeling into his very soul, engrained this image of carefree Luhan into his brain. 

Leaving the next morning to make it back to the hotel before manager woke up, Luhan dropped Minseok off in the hotel parking garage. At 4 am, it was a fairly safe bet it would be empty. With a final impassioned kiss, Minseok stepped out of the car feeling refreshed. No coffee in the world could give him the same rush that Luhan did. Waving as Luhan drove away, with a fresh promise to message him the minute they landed at Incheon, Minseok managed to piece himself together.

*

They say time passes in the blink of an eye, and Minseok felt time weighing heavily on him. His body was sore, his mind fatigued. Hard work made for seamless hours, never ending days. Day and night no longer mattered, because he was awake anyways. He can’t say he regrets staying. It was a dream he never thought would come true for him. But now that he has spent his life living it, he realizes that there is more to life than work, more to life than a singular dream.

As Minseok stood there in front of the CEO, his dream hanging in front of him, he had a very delicate scale to weigh. 7 more years. They wanted 7 more years from him, from EXO.

Minseok loved his job, and he loved his group. When it came to living his dream, he couldn’t have imagined this. It was all too good to be true. The success, the joy. When he had dreamed of becoming an idol, he knew the stakes. Most made average pay or worse, and their success was minimal at best. To have experienced this… To have experienced the rush of millions of people cheering you on. It was something that was irreplaceable.

The scale was tipped.

“No, songsaengnim,” he said, all pink gums and round cheeks as he smiled. “I’ve lived out my time. I think it’s time I pursue my other dreams. Thank you for everything you’ve done.” He bowed deeply and stepped out of the office.

Time has a funny way of making you realise that not all dreams are made them same, and sometimes in the pursuit of one dream, you have to crush some others. His new dream led him down unfamiliar streets, reading signs in a language he recalls from many years ago. He felt completely out of place, nervous, anxious and giddy all at once. He scanned the apartment numbers for the address he was looking for. Ninth floor, number 929. A couple knocks was all that was need before the door was thrown open, and large doe-like eyes were staring back at him in disbelief.

“You’re here?” His lover asked, eyeing the suitcase that Minseok brought with some confusion.

“What do you mean, ‘you’re here?’” Minseok jokingly chastised, raising an eyebrow. “I think you mean, ‘welcome home’ or something like that.” Luhan’s body went flaccid as he took in Minseok’s words, their meaning slowly lighting up his face.

“You mean…”

“I’m all yours.”

Luhan rushed forward and threw his arms around his small lover, picking him up and twirling him around. It sent a rush of adrenaline through Minseok, who took the other’s head between his hands and captured his lips in a passionate kiss. The twirling slowed as Luhan began to kiss back, until they were both simply standing, Luhan’s hand tilting Minseok’s chin so their lips could touch.

“Well, my love.” Luhan swung the elder’s legs out from underneath him, catching him under the knees to hold him bridal style. Minseok’s face flushed red, a reaction Luhan must have noticed because he kissed him on the nose. “Welcome home.” And Luhan walked them over the threshold of his, no, their, home.

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but that isn’t true. Distance makes you realise what’s truly important in life. And for the first time in five years, Minseok finally had every piece of his life in place.