“If there comes a day when I have to leave for a while, will you wait for me?”

Eyes moistened and twinkling like the stars above while her chestnut strands play with the cool, eerie breeze. She was close to perfection, taking his breath away. Lips; small and plump, nose; long and straight while her eyes resembles of a deer, dark and mesmerizing.

“Where are you off to now, babe?” He asked with concern and confusing writ in his voice and all over his soft features.

She smiles, and he swore his heart seems to have skipped a beat from that one simple action.  “Oh, nothing. You know, work and stuffs. I was assigned to this place and I might have to stay there for quite a while because there’s just far too much work that needs to be done.”

She works in an animal welfare and it was a usual thing for her to be always out in a trip which usually lasts for a few weeks, even months. She observes, try to solve problems if there is any as well as study different animals’ habitat and the wildlife.

“How long do you think it’s going to be this time?”

She shrugs slightly. “It’s not for certain yet but probably longer than usual. A year? Maybe longer?”

“You know I’ll wait for you,” Planting a light peck on the bridge of her nose, he chuckles. “However long it will take, I’ll wait for you.”

 

Play the moments.

 

It’s been almost a year now since she left for her flight to America. She said the trip was sponsored by this big company which supports animal habitats and the wildlife. She sends letters of course, asking how his been and her great adventures every fortnight or month at the very least, he wasn’t the writing a letter type of person but he still does it anyway.

Their letters usually consisting of;

‘Hey, how have you been? I miss you.’

Then it continues on with how their day has been, what happened and what’s new.

‘Are you doing well?’

Continuing with life as it is, he spends the day in an almost routine he came up with; wake up, wash, eat, work, go home and sleep. He longs for her to finally come back with the smile of hers to greet him and soft lips to brush against his.

‘I’ve been doing great myself; I was able to tend baby cubs which have been abandoned by their mother. How sad must it be for them, right? Growing up without the warmth, love and care from their mother who carried them for months?’

That’s right; Im Yoona grew up as an orphan herself. Father dying in such a young age while her mother has abandoned her in the care of the foster home, she was neglected by almost everyone until he came into her life. He showed her what there is in life and how beautiful it is.

‘I miss you, but hey, I just need to bear with this for a while. We have to bear with this for a while, right? You know what one of my techniques which I came up with to use whenever I come to think of you, and come to miss you? I recall the very first time I met you and saw you.’

 Being brought back in the past, he remembers the first time he set his own pair of eyes to the tall, petite frame of the woman. He thought she was an angel who came down from heaven with the white dress she wears which falls just above her knees and coal black hair let loose to compliment her milky, pale white skin just well.

‘The time when I came up to you just to ask for the way because I was lost and it was the first time I went out by myself.’

Dark doe eyes meeting with the ashy brown ones, a small smile was formed on her thin plumps lips as she asked him where the library was. He can clearly remember it fresh in his mind as if it just happened yesterday instead of years ago.

‘I hope you’re not starving yourself out missing my always half burnt dishes. Remember the first time we moved in together? I nearly took down the whole kitchen because I wanted to bake some cookies for you?’

He can almost imagine the grin playing on her lips as she writes this and he couldn’t help but chuckle to himself as well.

‘Anyway, stay healthy and try to avoid catching any flues. I will have to cut this letter short already; don’t forget your promise, okay? Take care and I love you.’

 Each letters always ending with an ‘I love you’ which came as a habit to both already. It was a usual thing to them; take care, have fun and I love you.

Folding back the letter before putting it in the drawer along with the other letters he has kept and collected, he went on ahead to start writing down his reply back to her in a way of almost like talking back to her. That’s how they do it at least.

 

Pause the memories.

 

It’s been months ever since the last letter from her arrived in his post box. He has been slightly anxious to the possibilities of whether she received his letter or maybe something just happened to her, but he wishes for her to just be busy. He doesn’t want think about the worst case scenario such as being the meal of the lions there or other more wild animals, or being bitten and injured, or even her, finding a different man to replace him with.

Each day passing seems to just drag on and on each time he checks his mail box finding no letters from her. He waited and waited until one day, he got fed up of waiting and decided to consult the welfare she was working in instead.

Dragging a foot after another towards the said place, he went to the reception to ask for the manager concerning about one of their employees, Im Yoona.

The woman sitting in front of the reception only looked at him as if he has grown another head which he only chose to ignore.

“I’m sorry sir, but don’t you know?” She asked, uncertainty trailing in her way of speaking.

He only his head slightly to the side, rather confuse.

“Employee, Im Yoona doesn’t work here anymore longer. She already took her resignation about two to three years ago.”

And then it hit him. The long trips and late nights may just as well mean one thing which he never even thought she can ever do to him. Maybe all his friends has always been right, she was just like the others. She only wanted him for his money and looks like the others girls he has dated before.

 

Stop the pain.

 

Upon finding out about the resignation and truth he has assumed and came up with, he decided to move out of the house they share. He just wants to get as far away from any traces and trails which will only remind him of her, so packing up his belongs, he left. He left without turning back.

 

-

 

Living back to his normal life after months and months which have long passed by since the ugly truth, he came back to his old self. Playful, flirty and the oh-so-known, big Casanova in town. He had some slight troubles upon adjusting back but he managed.

Every night he goes clubbing to pick up girls and them, going along with his once saying, ‘girls are just mere toys’. He uses them for his own needs and throws them away the next day.

He has never really given furthermore thoughts about Yoona; it was the only way to be able to forget her, take down all the memories and feelings he have for her which may have been the hardest thing he could ever do in his whole entire life. That’s of course until he heard the news.

“I’m here to send my condolence to you. I’m sorry to hear it man,” His best buddy, Eunhyuk spoke with solemn trailing in his voice.

Frowning slightly as he stares at him with confusion, he went ahead and asked what he was on about. “Hear what?”

Eunhyuk only blinked at him as if he was speaking none sense. “You mean you don’t know?”

Donghae only shook his head, frowning even deeper than the one earlier on.

“Yoona’s dead, man.”

It took him a while to precede those three words before snapping back into the reality, mind blank and light. He didn’t think however, he run.

He runs to follow his heart.

He runs to this one place.

He runs to confirm if this was really true or not.

He runs.

 

Rewind the happiness.

 

Once he finally arrives to the house they used to share, almost breaking down the door just to get in, he was welcomed with only a cold gust of wind blowing against his face, giving him slight shivers.

He never really noticed the tears pooling on the brim of his eyes. He doesn’t care much about it as well anyway. All he wants at this very moment was the feeling of solace. To prove it to everyone that she wasn’t dead yet although he hasn’t seen her for so long, she may just be in his man’s house.

Yes, yes. That’s why; they’re only kidding and messing around with him.

Almost thrashing down the whole place, he notices things which weren’t there before he left the place a few months back. Framed pictures of them two which were placed on the coffee table he clearly remembers he faced down before were now all facing up once again.

Yes, yes. She’s still alive. Who else could have done this but her?

 Blankets neatly folded on top of one another in a pile settled on top of one of the armchairs as the pillows were nicely organised on the couch in the way he always did it and she always complains about with the reasons of the couch being a place to seat on, not to always fuzz and tidy about with the arrangements of the cushions.

Yes. She’s back. She’s finally back.

Scanning the small living room, his attention was taken from the videotape which was placed on the coffee table set in the middle. He must have failed to notice it at first being disrupted by the picture frames which were back and up.

Walking over to take the videotape and read the label of the handwriting he clearly remembers at the side, he couldn’t help but catch his breath upon realising what was written. In bold, capital letters says only two words.

‘T H E   T R U T H’

Popping it in the video player as he turns on the television and decided to settle down on the couch, sitting down, he hits the play button.

It shows of Yoona, sitting down on the same exact spot where he’s sitting at this very moment looking at the camera and smiling awkwardly as she scratches her head a bit.

She looks different, a lot different since she left and he has last seen her which was before she left for America. A lot paler and thinner, her hair which was once passed her waist were now just on the level of her shoulder blade, or maybe even shorter. The twinkle which used to always be in her eyes was now dull and dark, losing its bliss.

“Um, hey camera and hopefully, Lee Donghae who I wish would be able to watch this.”

She waves both her hands slightly as if she was waving at him with a small smile plastered across her face, sounding as cheerful as she can that it pains him already to watch the video furthermore.

“I guess coming back with an empty house wasn’t really what I expected to come home in but hey, I understand. Promises were always meant to be broken, right? I don’t really blame you, beside, who would bother waiting for someone who’s always gone and away almost all the time?”

He chuckles solemnly, shaking his head slightly as he continues watching the video before him taking in each word she speaks and the state she was currently in, her feature and every little thing about her.

“Oh, by the way, guess what? I was finally able to meet my mother. Talk to her and have a little chat with her after all these time of searching, I found her. I finally found her.”

He thought he saw a blaze which lit up in her eyes but it was gone by the time he tried to confirm it. They’ve been trying to find her mother for long now and with no luck, they both only decided to give up.

“She was really nice! A really wonderful person although at first she tried to shove me away and told me to get lost denying that she never have a daughter, but that’s all right. Even if she abandoned me before and left me all alone, it’s all right because if she didn’t do it, I don’t think I’ll be able to meet you.”

Trying to hold onto the tears which were threatening to spill out, he watches her continue to smile never faltering.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been gone a lot. I can’t really bring myself to lie to you at first but it’s the only way to protect you and not hurt you but I don’t think I can lie any further,”

She took a pause trying to calm herself slightly as she bit down onto her bottom lips, preventing any tears to fall and for her breaking down.

“I’m sick.”

And everything which he was trying to hold seem to have suddenly break loose, finding his self beginning to cry as tears falls after another, cascading down his cheeks.

“I’ve been gone a lot because the effect was starting to take a toll on me, I went to find my mother to ask about my family’s medical history and it seems like it wasn’t genetically.”

She forces out a small smile as a tear fell down on her cheek, wiping it with the back of her palm.

“I’ve been asking myself the same question repeatedly, am I going to die? And each time I ask myself that one question, I couldn’t help but think of all the good things I’ll be leaving in this world. How I will probably have to end up leaving you as well and to be honest, I don’t want that.”

Tears began falling one after the other until she couldn’t help but just let loose and let everything out, stammering as she still tries to continue and talk.

“O-out of the hundreds and hundreds of p-people who could have had this t-tumour in the head, w-why did it have to be, m-me?”

He was crying as he continues on watching her let loose. Her innocence and fragility slowly breaking which was one of the reasons of why he was so overly protective over her.

“But you know what? After asking that question each day when I wake up and open my eyes being welcomed by another new day which awaits for me, I come to realise now that I should be happy to have it because it’s at least saving one’s life, right? In every one hundred people who have this illness, I’m one of that one hundred to unfortunately have this brain tumour.”

She laughs humourlessly and forced as she uses her index finger to point at her head, smiling a bit.

“I’m sorry that I had to lie to you. The whole reason why I had to go for so long in America was to find a cure. You see, when I come back I want to tell you the whole truth and that there’s actually a cure for this illness so you won’t have to at least be sad and cry because I don’t want to see you cry. If you cry, my heart feels like it’s crying as well, as if it’s going to explode and I don’t think I’d be able to control myself without breaking down, and then I’ll cry.”

 Why is it that he was so stupid? So stupid to assume things and jump into conclusions? He should have seen it, taken the hints that whenever she wasn’t feeling well or was feeling nausea, over sleeping and sometimes stumbling could be just because she was actually ill?

“I was so excited when I finally found a cure during my stay in America that I just had to fly back and tell you the news. It doesn’t have a hundred percent success rate but it was the best one I could find and I wanted that when I have that surgery, you’ll be beside me so I’ll have the courage and strength to take on that fight and continue on living. I want to wake up and see your face first, to know that everything’s all right now, we can finally be together.”

She once again began breaking down into a fit of tears, continuously trying to wipe it away but it just falls one after the other, unstoppable.

“When I was greeted with an empty house, I knew you must have found out I was lying this whole time and I understand you. So I’m planning on taking this fight by myself instead and if ever it turns out to be successful which it will, then I’ll come to find you and tell you myself personally. But for now, just bear with this videotape and wait for me until I come back. By that time, I can finally smile at you again like there’s nothing to worry about nor any tumour in my brain to stop us from being together, all right?”

She smiles, this time, one of her genuine smile. The smile he loves so much seeing plastered across her pretty face, and he couldn’t help but break down once again.

“I miss you so much and being completely honest here, I regretted not a single moment spending every second, minute, hour, days even years with you. Lee Donghae, I love you so when I come back, you better be there to greet me and welcome me.”

She laughs lightly even if the tears kept on streaming down her cheeks, slowly standing up and stumbling quickly nearly falling down due to the lost of balance but gradually picking herself up and heading towards the camera, using her hand to pat and try to find where it was placed, turning it off and ending the whole video.

It left Donghae in a complete short of words only continuing to sniff and sob nonstop, not being able to contain his self from crying. That was it, the truth. The truth he should have waited instead of assuming. She was gone now. Out of his sight, out of his reach and out of this world.

 ‘It's weird how in a matter of seconds, you could just be a memory.’

It was far too late now, he should have waited. Waited and been by her side when she chose to take the operation. Should have stuck with his promise that he never meant to break.

But it’s too late now.

It’s far too late.

She’s gone.

And for the first time he came back to his senses and realised something,

He’s all alone once again.

 

‘You never know what you have

Until you lose it.

And once you lost it,

You can never get it back.’