Crushes are bitter. Those unrequited are worse. They say pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. Remnants of some bitter love, I feel, leave no room for options. They hurt. They ing hurt. Despite how much I would like to tell myself that it is a huge crush or some weird attraction. It’s frustrating how muddled the thoughts are and there is absolutely no way of categorizing it. And never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this frustrating or hurtful. Sometimes you find the wrong company but for the wrong reasons. But when you find the right companion for the right reasons, it’s painful when the smallest of temptation destroys everything in the process.

When life throws a lemon, you make lemonades. And I had no clue how to deal with life when it threw a ing watermelon. I can’t seem to even write down the turbulent thoughts. It’s like a perennial migraine. And I know migraines are the worse. Nothing a smoke can’t solve, yes? NO. These last few days I had with him almost seem like a blur. It seems like time flew by. Almost like a distant memory. He always manages to make me laugh, a tease that he was. Talking almost about anything, conversations were so divergent with him. Bordering on nothing in particular, be it emotional, funny, his weird theories, some trivialities or constant disproving my gender because of my tomboyish ways, somehow made my day. We would text until I fell asleep over my phone. As days went by, somewhere down those six months, I realized that I was growing fonder of this man, whom I was starting to see in a new light altogether .Not something I was proud of. But I knew I was harboring a huge crush. What I also knew, I was treading on thin waters. He was in a steadfast 5 year long relationship, with a girl who adored him with all her life and vice versa. And at the back of my head I was preparing for an intense heartbreak and somehow that only made me like him more. (Must have dropped my brains somewhere in a pit in the process) I did not know how to hold back on those turbulent feelings and this stupid selfish part of me didn’t want to. It was hard enough as it was and I was incapable of pulling away. Scared, probably would be the right word. Something weird anchored me to him, as a friend. He did not judge me for my flaws, the tantrum that I would often shove at him. He endured all my girly drama and I could never ever stay mad at him even if I wanted to. That want bothered me to no end. I craved for his company. Just all that talking made my day seem better. I honestly wish I could have held that all back in. Saved a lot of hurt, saved a friendship. So, one bright Sunday morning turned out to be one of the most disastrous days of our life. What was supposed to be a breezy chat and a sweet goodbye went on to become the exact opposite of that. Although I had mentally prepared myself for reciprocation nearly zilch, I am so confident that I was certainly not thinking right that day. We were in the water tower talking and cracking stupid jokes which was absolutely normal. The subject of him leaving always, ing always managed to depress me. And I still don’t know why. We hugged and mumbled ‘goodbyes’ and ‘I miss you’ and stuff along the similar lines. I remember him telling me to never get that deep into that , but warnings feel on deaf ears. Besides being aware of the fact that he was leaving for good solid six months, what I was also aware of was how close we were. And the urge to kiss him was throbbing in my throat. There was such stillness that it scared me. I was not ready to make anything close to the first move and definitely not anything close to regretting my actions. But when does the heart ever ing listen. Mind over matter forgotten and tucked away in a chicken coup it was like our bodies reacted on its own. Things were heating up and all I was aware of was, kissing and intensely. My mind froze, all rationality lost. Biggest mistake. I think I ought to sleep over this.

Abrupt ending but who gives a . I’m definitely not going to stay awake if I actually intend to cry this one out. To a horrible night. Cheers.