KS,

Everyone thinks that your the bad guy. I think that you are. Standing 20 feet tall and placing the pieces in just the right positions so they don't quite see each other. But sometimes the piece falls over just far enough to see around the wall and sees the whole game set up. Sees every move and angle and all the ways each new piece overtakes another that's thrown away when you're done and why for the love of god am I still there? When will I be thrown out and replaced like the others? Surely someone's in line to do it right, or were those others auditioning for the starring role?

What are we supposed to do? I want to see you and be on my knees and beg for you like I used to and I want to hurt you in every way so you know how you hurt me. I want to forgive everything that you did to me and I want to say all the words that will scar you. I know just what to say that will hurt. I wish I could tell you what it really feels like. I wish I could tell you what it feels like to have that tingle in your wrists and the speed of your heart and the pained block in your throat and the need to claw away at myself. I can't let you go but if I don't you'll keep playing. All I see is you kissing him or holding him or ing around with him. that guy. None of the words ever seem to come out right. I want to blow his brains out as badly as I want to feel your skin on my mouth and hands in my hair and as badly as I want to kill myself and we all know I don't have the balls to kill a man or the ability to kill myself and all that's left is feeling ghosts of you crawl over me. 

I still love you, you ing punk douchbag. You don't feel the same way and it's clear as , but can't be done there. I can't try to control you, even as my blood freezes and reflections burn all the places you've touched. I need to watch my mouth because as badly as I want you to hear me in your head when you want to sleep as you do with me, I want you to pick up my piece and spin it around and back behind the wall so I think you really won't do it again. Keep the white noise of the dream alive as you rip it apart slowly behind my back. 

I hate everything that's happened and I hate you as much as I love you. Whatever. it.

Bye maybe.

HZT