The clock ticked loudly in the half lit living room, almost too hot from the heater being on. Cries and laughter from the bedroom could be heard piercing the silence like a harpoon. The first thing Tao noticed opening the door was the extra pair of shoes beside the doorframe, unsettlingly white besides Kyungsoo's all black. Behind the blank face, shrouded in a thin veil of shadows his mind ran a marathon at impossible speeds.  He could feel the chemicals of adrenaline spill out his brain and down his neck, shocking through his arms and crawling over his spine. His wrists thrummed with energy like an transistor. His throat tightened into a painful knot and his eyes, growing dark and empty of his characteristic emotions, burned. Tao's head was swimming, vision almost in slow motion with blur. The sounds down the hall were like underwater, deep echoes unclear and quiet, but it almost deafened him. With a bit of hesitation, Tao peeled the black jacket of his shoulders and pulled his arms out, holding it to his chest before tossing it over the back of the brown couch. He pulled his shoes of and placed them in their usual place on the other side of Kyungsoo's.

He was his own enemy, really. He should've know. Fooled twice, shame on him. 

The first time it happened he was stopping over at a bar after work for a friend's birthday. He had already had a bad day being yelled at over the phone and projects getting sent to him with corrupted data that he decided to fix himself so the project made deadline, causing him to stay and extra two hours after his shift. The bar was close by, but it took him a little longer because of a pitstop at a little liquor store for a pack of cigarettes he hid in new places around the apartment.

He knew Kyungsoo could taste the nicotine and tar on his tongue and the scent hanging loosely on his clothes and hair, but he never said a thing, just left found cigarettes cut in half out on counters and tables.

The bar was crowded, a baseball match playing on at least three separate television sets set up around the establishment. Yelling and laughter and the clinking of glasses filled with beers went silent. Life went on as normal but it all drowned out as Tao watched Kyungsoo wrap an arm around the neck of a tall dark haired man with a big smile on his face. He pushed him against the bar counter inched his face closer so their noses brushed. One of the man's long legs slipped between Kyungsoo's thighs just as his eyes locked with Tao's. The playful look on his face dropped with the weight of a medicine ball, his arm shooting back to his side. Tao couldn't think properly, he wasn't even sure if he knew how to move anymore, but he did know that at some point he was walking down the empty alleys and crosswalks. At some point he sent a text telling his friend he couldn't make it, they'll have to plan a get-together as just the two of them some time. He wasn't sure how much of the smoke in the air was his breath or the third cigarette he lit since walking away. He wasn't entirely sure where he was until he passed the bridge with GOD WON'T SAVE YOU spray painted in green on the arch. The summer night heat wasn't close the fire that was burning in his chest of rage and jealousy and betrayal. Thoughts of "how dare he" and "did I do something wrong" danced and glided around his head just waiting for when one of them will stop and take a sip of their poisoned wine. Tao was sure the current taste in his mouth was whatever venom Kyungsoo coated his mouth with finally taking effect, burning and ripping him apart from the inside out. 

He got home before Kyungsoo did, imagining him on the arm of that other guy, maybe finding his way on his lap, grinding and leaving another coat of venom in the mouth of another innocent soul. Tao remained in the kitchen pouring himself drinks and staring at the wall where the television stood, so dark Tao was almost sure he could climb inside. Their life was good, with decent total income between the two of them and a nice little rented out place by the beach. So what was wrong? Why was Kyungsoo messing around with some guy that didn't even look like he washed his hair? Tao was curious. Curious and outraged. He liked to think he was a pretty good ing person, or at least tried his best. Maybe he was just over reacting. Surely Kyungsoo drank a bit before he arrived so his judgement was just a little impaired despite the fact he chooses to drink only a glass or two because he hates the feeling of losing control.  

The doorknob turned slowly, testing out to see if Tao had locked the door behind him or not. It barely opened enough for Kyungsoo to slip through silently, keeping himself small as he slipped off his shoes and walked gingerly to the kitchen entrance. Tao didn't even look at him, leaning against the white tiled counter and staring at the floor beside him. The tension drenched them both, thickening the air until both struggled to inhale. Tao turned his head back to the counter and took a sip of his drink, swishing it around in his mouth before swallowing. 
"How was the party." his voice seemed rough and strained, injected with hurt and charged questions. 
"I'm sorry you ha-"
"So who is he?" Tao's voice got a little louder, tainted with a bit more disgusted humor.
"He's-he's nobody."
"Sure as hell didn't look like it." Kyungsoo opened his mouth to say something but it seemed the words go trapped in his throat, struggling to make its way to an opening. He closed his mouth and swallowed, running a hand through his hair then bringing it down to his shoulder so he was hugging himself. 
"How long?" Tao said weakly.
"Three months." Tao exhaled hard through his nose and nodded his head, straightening his back and finally meeting Kyungsoo's gaze.
"I promise I won't see him again, it was a mistake a stupid, stupid mistake, please understand-"
"I can't even believe you."
"It was a little thing, really."
"Did I ever even cross your mind? Did you ever feel bad every time you-" Tao feigned a look of interest. "did you ever him, Kyungsoo?" he said nothing, shaking an unseen rage out of Tao. "Maybe right here. Right ING HERE." the glass Tao was holding shattered against the counter. Kyungsoo jumped and stared and the gashes of blood on Tao's hand where the glass sliced and embedded itself. Tao could feel the tears burst from his eyes, his breath stuttering as he brought his wrist up to cover his nose.
"Do you even know what it feels like?" still nothing. "It's like getting stabbed by someone you trust. Your chest aches from the inside and spikes through you. It makes your stomach turn and there is the risk that you'll just throw the up right there." the knot in Tao's throat was to big to allow more words, like it was being pulled out.

Tao knew at some point Kyungsoo slipped away down the hall to their room. Tao knew at some point he heard the shower running. His hand grew numb to the pain that pulsed rhythmically with his heart. Tao knew at some point he moved to the couch, the blood staining his shirt. The space beside him dipped and the small black trashcan from the bathroom was placed at his feet as Kyungsoo found a comfortable position. He took his hand and began using the tweezers to pull the glass out of his hand wordlessly. Tao watched him pour the alcohol over his cuts and spread ointment over them before wrapping his hand up and holding onto it. Kyungsoo leaned his head onto Tao's shoulder.

Tao allowed himself to forgive him. Kyungsoo wasn't bad, so he trusted it wouldn't happen again.

He should've known.

Somewhere Tao heard bells toll, and if you were to ask him what they meant, he would just smile. A nice smile, one that burst of sunshine and warmth. He would then tell you that it was like watching everything in infrared. Everything followed in motion blur. He'd tell you he said farewell to his peace of mind when the bells tolled and had to get back to a better place some how. He'd tell you that when he was little his mother told him a story about how, possessed by his desire to keep safe a prized possession, a prince destroyed a precious gift so he was the only one that knew the joy of having it.

He walked down that hallway, listening to the voices from the bedroom get louder. He wasn't sure how much was just loud talking and how much was moans for more. Tao would have to admit this one was an upgrade from the last one. He had a nice square jaw and cheekbones that could cut you. The man was a stripe up his neck when Tao threw the door open. The man looked up  before jumping off the bed and covering himself with the sheet that was pushed toward the end of the bed. Kyungsoo sat up and drew himself in, trying to make himself small. But Tao knew. He knew just how big the smaller man was. He was a shadow standing over Tao wherever he went, a puppeteer that can get Tao to say whatever he wants him to do. 
"Who's this one?" Tao walked closer to the man, the pain in his chest growing bigger and bigger.
"Tao, please," 
"HUH? WHO THE IS HE? IS HE NOBODY AS WELL OR WHAT?" the man shifted uncomfortably, looking between the two lovers before clearing his throat loudly.
"I, uh, I should go and let you two take care of things. Um," he leaned over and started to haphazardly pull his clothes on quickly and rush out of the apartment.
"Chen, wait!"
"So that's his name." Tao said coldly. Kyungsoo clenched his jaw. Tao moved closer to Kyungsoo's side of the bed and squatted down to his level.
"What are we supposed to do about you and I, huh? Because this...this is clearly not working. You promised me you wouldn't do this again, yet here we are."
"I know you're hurt so you might be overreacting-" 
"Don't tell me I'm overreacting, I'm not the one ing around. What is it? Am I not doing enough for you?"
"No,"
"Then what the is this all for?" Kyungsoo stared before casting his eyes down at his feet.
"I...I don't know. I'm sorry." Tao pushed his tongue against his cheek and nodded, pushing himself back up so he could stand. He walked towards the closet rubbing the back of his neck before turning around.
"You know how unfair this is to me? How every time this happens I feel like the bad guy, like I am not doing enough to make you happy. What can I do for you." Kyungsoo ran a hand over his face and looked to the end of the bed. The silence hung like the blade of a guillotine waiting to drop. The fuse was about to blow and Tao didn't want to deal with the aftermath. He pulled a cigarette out and lit it, the room quickly filling with the scent of smoke.
"I should've left. I should've just left you the first time, but I didn't. I couldn't. I had this nice little set up paradise in my mind because I was so convinced that you were the right person for me." he took another drag of his cigarette before turning out of the room. Kyungsoo's heavy foot steps followed a few minutes later as he finished slipping on his shoes and was throwing his jacket back on.
"Where are you going?"
"For a walk."

The sun was just coming up as waves crashed gently at the shore, seagulls crying out to each other while the door of another home slammed shut to hide all the nasty things within it's walls to keep appearances.