Jiyong POV

October 2011

Being alone like this is a gift that I so rarely receive. But in light of the recent events happening in my so called life, for once, the people in my circle finally had the decency to leave me alone. I belatedly realize that solitude has its hazards, for my mind is working nonstop. Thinking of regrets, mistakes and what might be. What has led me to being like this? Why have I become like this? What if… could things have been different. A name popped out of my mind amidst the chaos in there --Dara.

I refuse to be mad at her. My heart refused the call of my mind to blame her. This is not her fault. Of course not! I saw her face as I looked up the sky. Her infectious smile, her changing eyes that could both be innocent and dagger-like, the fragile bones of her cheeks. My lips formed a bitter smile. This is all me. I am the one to blame. My indecision, my half-heartedness, and my wavering lifestyle that discourages the purest of my friends. I clenched my jaw as I remember how my feelings for a certain person that I never thought I'd feel something for evolved through the years. Of how I refused to recognize that feeling and how it destroyed me…

The first time I saw her. I was a trainee, a promising protégé with immense talent and future. I was too busy with my dream that I didn't recognize any interest I could have had in her. I was and have always been a dreamer. And I was not interested in girls at that time.  She came in YG, and was rejected. I saw how dejected she was and I encouraged her to apply again. She came back stronger and more mature for reasons I know for a fact could have destroyed her but did not.

Sandara Park has a beautiful face, I decided. A little bit too shy to be called mediocre. Her awkwardness is far from looking awkward and could be classified as cute. And little by little, day by day, I got to know her. She is just like me when it comes to her dream. She is the strongest girl I have known. Her worst critic is herself. And just like that, she gained my RESPECT.

And I was there, I helped her fullfil her dreams. Despite my busy schedule , I would always find time to support our sister group, especially the girl that I see so much of myself of. Besides, we could be classified as friends, or even a family as what YG would like to call it. I see her as a younger sister, when in fact she's ironically older than me. And this 'taking care of them' is making me far to happy than what's supposed and it confused me. I thought I see the 4 girls of 2ne1 equally but I realized I was deluding myself. I was in too deep before I realize that I'm sinking.

Her new found success is making me feel unnecessary things that I just had to analyze it. I used to see her as just a special junior, but was it only that? NO. I reviewed my song lyrics and realized that almost all of them where unconsciously inspired by her presence in my life. When she left, When she came back. The importance of her presence in my life. How by just her being there is making me feel contended and satisfied. This awareness of heightened feelings is what made me go on for some time. She's new in the biz which made it almost impossible for me to do something about it. I can't do anything for now. Was the mantra I recite in my head.

I was extremely pissed though at her immense popularity with the male idols that I just had to interfere. I involved myself in her wardrobe design and underhandedly marked her as mine. Making her wear baggy clothes that would hide her feminine side. I was laughing internally at how she naively accepted her bizarre hairstyles, but I was flabbergasted that this didn't hinder her rising popularity with the guys. Fuming, I decided to wear the same clothes that I saw her wearing. Which no doubt fired up the curiosity of unbelievably observant fans. Which is all in my favor, of course.

We had a chance to do a song together, all thanks to my amazing ear and eye for certain songs that fits a particular voice, I succeeded in having her feature in my upcoming album. An album that I unconsciously dedicated to her. For in fact, she is my heartbreaker. I cringed, remembering how happy I was with performing with her. I was so immersed with having her with me on stage that I almost always forget that I am in fact on stage. I became careless, and uncharacteristically comical. From fan accounts that I saw, I see myself from the outside and realized that I seemed to have lost my edge. This realization felt like I was doused with a bucket full of iced water. It seemed I was shocked back into life. As if to put more coal into the fire, the plagiarizing issues added to my problems then.

I admit that I had forgotten everything about anything but myself and my career. I was an unreachable idol, and that I will be. I purposely became colder and withdrawn. This way, they will see me as an artist worthy of respect. Above all these, I learned that alcohol is bliss. Intoxication is a momentary escape from reality. I knew of course that it could further mar my image, I realized you can't really erase a wound for it would leave scars. I won't be able to salvage my now cracked reputation, why not make a new one? A cooler, untouchable and better one? Or so I told myself. Hence, this became the birth of the party boy that the whole of South Korea is aware of but refused or was unable to talk about. A taboo. It must be that they refuse to believe this of me, and that talking about it would make it true.

I never neglected HER though. In fact, I can't seem to stay away from her for too long. She's like nicotine. An addiction to me now. She's good and at the same time bad for me. But I just got to have anything I could have of her. In spite of all my turmoil. And despite the fact that I won't be able to do anything about this feeling, I was just hoping that by doing certain acts, my feelings would somehow reach her and we will be able to understand each other.

There were times when I could almost swear that we feel the same way. I stare at her a lot, so I sometimes see her looking at me too. We still go out with the company of the guys of Bigbang and 2ne1. We talk about a bunch of stuff friends would talk about. We have the same taste in clothes so we sometimes go shopping together and buy the same things for fun. And at that time, all these were enough for me. She's IN my life. My songs are still about her. But she's just too dense or she just doesn't care, or maybe love is just not important to her that she's making so little effort to show me or appease me of her feelings. To show me that she understand my feelings and that my wait is not in vain.

BUT there were times when I become so tired of her and the pain that loving her is giving me that I had to escape by going out. And oh boy, do I party hard. I needed the temporary bliss. I needed to feel wanted.  There were girls, yes. But as soon as I touch them, kiss them, I became so nauseated that I feel like I was cheating. I see her face, I see her looking at me with accusing eyes. I feel so enraged at her that all I can do is drown myself in alcohol and nicotine.

She has ruined me for anyone else and I unconsciously allowed her to. But once I see her, my anger fades and all I can do is smile and stare at her as if my life depended on it. Staring at her is all I can do. I needed, and still need to look at her. To appease myself that she exists. That her existence in this world is all that is TRUE. For me. That in the midst of all the craziness, she's what's making me sane. As if by staring at her, it could somehow convey to her how much the futility of this love is hurting me. I want to tell her so much that I have fallen in love with her before I knew what love even means. Of how being in the limelight with her is choking me while in fact I want to shout to the world.

Out of nowhere, she confessed to me. Indirectly. In an interview, she finally showed the world that there was a chance for me. I was flying high for the next few days. But she suddenly became distant to me after that because of unknown reasons. She even appeared in Win Win and had an interview with a person who likes her, and the whole country knows about it. Park Tae Hwan is a person that I had to befriend because he has shown interest in my girl. I needed to keep my enemies closer, I thought. And he was one heck of an annoying "friend". I was so envious of him, of how he could easily confess being jealous of my close proximity with her. How he could easily say what he likes about her. What hurts the most was I was convinced that her smiles to him was genuine. My confused and thirsty heart clouded my judgement and I believed what I saw in TV. She doesn't really care for me. She's just playing with my hopes. Why name-drop me in as her ideal? My cloudnine was popped and my heart has fallen hard to the ground. And like countless times before, I seek the comforts of my vices.

That was when I took the . I was aware of what it was of course. But it was my first time and the feeling was so good that I got to do it again. My staff was well aware of what I was doing. Was nervous, if I must be more accurate. TOP and YB were both aware of it as well. Their silence is what do me in. Their righteous eyes, their conscious understanding. I was aware of the gravity of what I have done. I knew that this could be the end of me. I stopped right then and there. Besides, I was gonna see her again that time. And I needed to feel, at least on the outside, that I was still the same Jiyong who fell in love with her before. That I was still the happy and responsible guy that deserves her. That I did not became someone that could corrupt her. That if ever the time comes, her family, her friends and her fans would give her to me happily and willingly. And I went on with my delusions…

Looking at her and being with her always bring me down to a stuttering school boy. I always lose my famed coolness that when a camera suddenly zoomed in on us in a 2ne1tv episode in japan ygex, I was so nervous at being caught near her that I blurted out the thing that is always at the foremost in my head.

I am dara noona's ideal type. WHAT?? What did I just say? I remember briefly glimpsing at YG who was watching us, and saw an angry flash in his eyes that I just had to backtrack.

But I don't date in-house.I looked at her after I said that, thinking that I will see relief in her, but what I saw shocked me, I saw her smile falter and a muscle jumped in her jaw. CL, whose always been the transparent one, worriedly looked at her unnie. Their interaction that I saw got me thinking for some time and made me ultra attentive to her actions that I was pretty sure she physically felt my stares. Could it be?

That in that haze of thinking about my own pain and suffering, I totally missed the important part? Could it be that she was just better in hiding her feelings because of her acting skills? While I was as transparent as a glass, she was feeling the same as me? I tried to look back in our past that was behind the haze of my one-sided love. She couldn't possibly be so stupid not to notice my obvious actions. She wasn’t blind not to see that I almost always wear the same clothes as she. And to see that I was unconsciously imitating her movements, channelling her from all that watching her that I've been doing. And she didn't put a stop to it, right? She didn't confront me or avoided me. In fact, if I'm right, she even helped me in my childish efforts to monopolize her in media, particularly in the eyes of netizens.

I was full of renewed hope that the sudden investigation on me was the heaviest blow I experienced. Before I could explore this new development, There I was, full of optimism and anticipation that Sandara Park is possibly reciprocating my feelings, and suddenly, I was no longer deserving of her.

NO. I AM no longer deserving of her. Present tense. Looking back at all that, I held my head in my hands and can't help but get mad at myself. I wasted my life, chose all the wrong choices and believed all the lies. I took too much time, and spent them in futility and insanity. I spent them, scared of what could have happened, cowering in pain and melodrama.

I looked up at the sky, tasting something salty in my lips, and realized that I was crying. I am weeping, alone and broken. My shoulders rocking with sobs. I am crying for the loss of a career that took me all my life to build. I am crying for the pain I am causing my family and friends right now. I am crying for the abortion of my future with the girl of my dreams.

Sandara. Her unique 3-lettered name never fails to somewhat put me in peace. I stiffen in shock as I felt a cold hand wiping tears in my face. I looked beside me and there SHE is. The shock of seeing her, here, and touching my face with a soft and pained expression is making me lose all functions in my brain.

"Jiyong." a soft voice called my name. Rousing me. I look at her, trying to make myself believe that this is real.

"You're here? Weren't you in Japan?" I ask her, voicing out the obvious.

"I flew as soon as heard. Are you alright?" She look away as she said this, fidgeting with her fingers. In spite of the gloomy atmosphere, I smiled. I, she said, not WE.

"I am now." Being honest. So this is how it feels. I am looking at her face as I said this, willing for her to understand what I'm saying.

She looked at me in a flash, her face a rosy tint. She smiled and bowed her head. My heart is swelling so much, I'm afraid my chest is visually expanding. All thoughts of the scandal now gone. What's with this new found bravery? Is it because I have nothing else to lose, and everything to gain?

"I should be mad at you right now." she said, her head still bowed. Her voice slightly shaking. I stared at her hunched body. She look so frail. I wonder what she's trying to say. My mind over-analyzing. She gave me her ipad, there is an online article. I read it fast, my body becoming cold. She was there, and CL, pictures of her, Kush and Jeremy Scott, YG family seemingly partying hard. This is because of me. YG family, endangered, because of me. I whimper as I felt my heart break once more, until a pair of thin arms wrapped my equally thin body.

My eyes grew so wide in shock, then they suddenly started to blur as tears fell from them. I don't deserve this kindness from her. I most definitely don't want her pity. I tried to loosen her arms but they tightened more.

"Stop or I'm really gonna get mad, Jiyong." she threatened me. "Nobody's blaming you, really. You made a mistake. Be a man and admit it, then ask for an apology. You will, right?" she loosened her hold on me and looked me in the eye. Her eyes are so pure and guileless they seem to hypnotize me.

"I'm scared. What if they won't accept me anymore?" I asked childishly. She touched my cheek again, making my heart leap. What is she suddenly doing.?

"Then they don't deserve you." she said coldly. Looking away, and staring at the sky. I know she's remembering her past. Her eyes are suddenly tearing up and slowly they fell on her flawless cheeks. Inevitably, I stared at her beautiful face. She's not wearing any makeup, her hair is a bit longer than I remember. She visibly tried to compose herself and added "but an artist cannot exist without haters. You know that. And if you knew your fans well, you know that they'll want the truth from you. Don't lie, Jiyong."

I sighed. She was right. Besides, I have to clear things up for her. YGE, and Dara of course, got dragged up in my mess.

"You're right." She turned to look at me. A small smile on her face. " Dara, I'm sorry." Sorry for being a coward, for everything.

Pain flashed in her face. And for the first time, she's allowing me to see what she's really feeling.

"Are you done, Jiyong?" she asked me, her eyes welling up.

"Done with what?" I ask her, my chest tightening up as I see her pain.

"Living your life as if it's one big party. Can't you come back now? I've been waiting for so long." she placed her face in her hands. Her shoulders look defeated. I wondered how my lifestyle probably looked to her. While I see it as an escape from pain, she must have just saw me having fun, moving further and further away from her. I was suddenly sick of misunderstandings that I just have to know, now or never.

"Why?"

"You know why."

"No. I don't know, so tell me."

"I already told the whole world. How can you not know?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You. My ideal man. Remember?"

"What??" my clueless face made her sigh, she turned to me and seriously made the longest speech I have heard from her.

"Since I met you. Day by day, I got to know you. I respected your talent, admired your leadership but I fell for your thoughtfulness and kindness. I thought, popularity didn't change you a bit. And I knew you felt the same as me, how can I not. You we're too obvious. But I understood that we cannot be. YET. I was scared that you'd be tired of waiting. I can't do anything about it. I can't be with you through your troubles as myself, as Sandara, because I don't own myself. 2NE1 owned me. Then you started to change and I saw it unfold before my eyes. I refused to believe you've changed completely. I was thinking that you're just bidding your time. Waiting for me. And there were times when I still feel you. I still see Jiyong. But you're so far away now. And I'm losing what little I have of you. Can't you stop it now? Can't you come back already? Isn't it enough yet?" she was talking with shaky voice, staring at her feet, but during that final sentence, she suddenly looked at me with eyes so honest it can break the hardest of hearts. And that she did. She was telling me what I wanted to hear all these years.

I roughly grabbed her and hugged her so hard, and she didn't seem to mind because she hugged me just as hard.

"I will stop. I've stopped, Dara. I'm back, because I never left. My heart, never left. Do you understand?" I whispered near her ear.

I felt her nod. And I breathed a sigh of relief. I indeed lost something, and now I'm gaining everything. I will never tell her that she is the reason behind my self-destruction. Because it's all my fault.  Because I never understood her. Because I only thought of myself. Because I didn't trust this connection between us that was indeed there all along. But now, all that is gonna change.

"There's not much left of the wait anyway, right?" I pulled away and smiled at her. She gasped.

"It's been so long since I saw this smile", she said looking at my lips and touched them. I stopped breathing. This will get some getting used to. She's been a dream for so long.

"Jiyong" she called me away from my inner heaven.

"hmmm?" she leaned her head on my shoulder, and I couldn't help but her hair. The sun is setting, the city skyline is now beginning to darken. And I can't help but feel contented.

"let's not wait?"

"for what?"

"the 3 years to end"

"uhh. What?"

"let's date and tell everybody"

I was shocked. But her head is still in my shoulder. I couldn't move. I looked at her, and she was smiling.

"are you sure?"

"yeah. Why? Don't you want to.?" she pouted

"of course I want to! I'm just thinking about you. You're near the peak of your career while I'm on the way down"

"you're not!!!" she got so mad, she leaned away. Her eyes are blazing at me.

"sorry! Okay okay. I'm not." I pulled her back to my shoulder. She intertwined her hand with mine. I felt that I could spend the rest of my life like this. With her.

"our fans are mostly girls anyway. They'd be happy, I think. It's you I'm worried about."

"honestly, I don't care what people will think anymore. I'm already at this point."

"so let's not wait."

"yeah. Let's now wait." I agreed. I'm at the happiest moment of my life. when yesterday, I was at the lowest. What are the odds right.?

She begun massaging my hands. The stars now visible in the sky. I realized I haven't really told her what's in my heart yet.

"Dara-ah." She didn't answer my whisper. "Sandara Park!". She jumped in shock.

"What?" she looked at me. She's so beautiful, her face is illuminated by the moon. I grabbed her face and kissed her softly. Her lips are everything I imagined they will be, and so much more. I pulled away, her face showed her surprise

"I love you. Will you be mine?" I asked with a nervouse smile full of hope and love, while I finally said the words that resided at the tip of my tongue for years. She breathed a sigh of relief and leaned close to me. She breathed her reply.

"I thought you'd never ask."