I blink three times, just noting that Yugyeom is watching me through the mirror in front of me, showing some curiosity about the phone call. Though I turned my back when I hear him calling me to avoid his eyes encounter, now he is observing every detail I do while still holding my phone.

I say nothing to Mino, I didn’t plan to respond to such a thing. We need to talk, I encourage myself to vocalize my thought. Nothing goes out of my mouth.

He owes me an explanation. I am shocked. For a long minute of dead silence, I finally got some courage to utter a word. Only one word, and I seek an explanation though I thoroughly considered the possibility that he will not say a thing.

I take my eyes away from my and Yugyeom’s reflection on the mirror and ask bitterly, trying so hard to sound unaffected to both Mino and Yugyeom. “Why…”

He didn’t answer immediately, as if he is considering what to say but ending up saying nothing. “Sorry, Nari.” And with that, he hangs up.

Emptiness. Rejection. Dismissal. Unworthiness. Guilt. They all come at once. And the list of boyfriends who broke up with me has added another person, Mino.

I wonder why do people feel bad when someone break up with them? Why do we feel really bad when we suspect ourselves for doing something that upset another person, even though it might not be true. There may be nothing that we did, yet they get mad. And yet we feel really bad and spend so much time thinking about it. It kills me.

What did I do? I wonder.

I walk unknowingly to the stairs, ignoring Yugyeom’s presence. I didn’t even know that he was calling me. One step and the other and finally I’m upstairs. I head to my room next my brother’s and when I open it, I can see that there is nothing has changed. The scent that’s slightly mixed with dust brought some old memories that only spread warmth across my chest.

The old days where we come here very often and stay up all night with the rest of the family. The nights here in Jeju are different. One could enjoy the quietness and peacefulness here that can’t be found in Seoul.

My mother was there, and my father too, before they get divorce. Youngji’s parents and her older sisters, and of course my older brother, were always there. Some of my grandparents would come too. It was really good. I hope we all gather again as we used to.

I lie in my bed, feeling the soft matrix against my cheek, and I realize that I’m tired, really tired of everything.

Exhausted. Debilitated. Weak. 

I feel like every bone has been taken from its place and when I lie on my chest, they are back to their places. My phone vibrates in my hand and I look at it, the battery is low. I’m too lazy to get up and search for the charger. I will do it, but after I get some rest for a few minutes. Yes. Just a very few minutes.

.

.

.

I wake up as I hear the persistent door bell. I blink several times, rub my forehead and wonder what time it is. Due to the absence of light outside the windwo, I can see that I slept for a pretty long time that the sun has set long ago. I rub my eyes, stretch out my arms and look at the door that’s slightly open. Has anyone ever noted my disappearance?

Ah, they should’ve woke me up.

I get up and I feel like I need to stretch one more time. My legs hurt as hell. I slept comfortably, yes, but my legs weren’t in a very comfortable position. I walk into the bathroom and I was shocked to see my face so swollen. I wash it up and go change because it is a bit chilly at this moment, and the last thing I need is to catch a cold. I open my bag to take out a knit sweater and a comfy legging with a pair of socks. The bell continues to ring as I’m changing and I wonder if there is anyone home to answer.

“OKAY!” I get down quickly to open it, and I was right, there is no one home, even my grandmother wasn’t there. My eyes immediately catch her note on the board with a big handwriting. ‘I and my dear Youngji went to visit Mrs. Lee, we won’t take long.’

All the boys seem to have some schedule going on as well, and I’m here in the house all alone.

“I’m coming,” I go to the door and it seems like whoever outside the door is really pissed for staying so long on the door. I open it. “I’m sorry I was- Oh, it’s just you. What are you, a kid? I shout several times that I’m coming, but you keep your hand on that goddamn doorbell. “

“WHY DON’T YOU PICK UP THE PHONE?” Yugyeom is shouting at me and I swear I can feel his saliva on my face. I wipe my face and frown. All I need after I just woke up from the best nap I had in ages is this creature shouting at me like an elementary school who peed on her new clothes in front of the whole nation.

“Asleep, I was sleeping, god.”

He blinks so much and looks at his phone and then shows it to me, it was 7:32pm. “S-Sleeping? Do you know what time is it?”

Yeah, kiddo. I’ve slept for more than 5 hours. Whatcha gonna do about it? “Ah, so noisy.” I cover my ears and then pierce his face with my eyes. “Try to lower your goddamn voice, I’m right next to you, god damn it.” This kid comes from nowhere and screams at me for no reason. Well, I’m not the one who left the house without checking if there’s someone asleep or not. Maybe I was dead. Why didn’t anyone check on me or tell me anything?

I close the door after him as he walks past me. Bursting inside the house, like he owns everything. “I just woke up by the door bell. Plus, I thought someone’s home,” I pause for a moment, I don’t know why I’m explaining this. I don’t need to though. “but it appears that you all got out without bothering to wake me up.”

“Well, I thought you were the one who didn’t want to be talked to.” He turns and does a robot-like smile. And his face told me one thing, that everything wrong in this world is my fault.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?” My voice’s pitched, and I remembered what happened this afternoon, the bullet-like words he shoot me with, in front of everyone, including my dear grandmother. That hurt me, really. Oh, and in addition to that, that moment when Mino, that , broke up with me in the phone. “Ah, that.” I sigh, brushing a hand through my hair with a side smile. “It is not as you think.”

He takes off his shoes and slips his feet into one of the pairs of slippers placed next to the door. “Then, enlighten me.”

I look at his eyes, thinking. Don’t know what to say about what happened earlier, really. The thing where I was described as a heartless . My eyes wander around as I exhale. “I was just, tired, you know. Of everything.” My eyes return back to his, and I see that I didn’t give him what he wanted. I chuckle and put my hands on my waist. “You feel guilty as well, huh?”

He freezes for a moment and then laughs insincerely. “Guilty?”

I shake my head. I know you are, Yugyeom, your face says it all.

“Yeah, for what you said this afternoon.” I nod at my nails and wonder how has been since the last time I ever take care of them. Never. That’s why they look horrible. “But don’t worry,” I tell him, and honestly declare as I wave a hand at him. “You have no business in this afternoon’s mood swing. As I said, I was just tired and exhausted. With some lack of sleep, that’s all.” I glance at where he is standing, smile, and pat his shoulder in an assuring manner. “In fact, you, out of all people, Yugyeom, I can’t get really mad at.”

I, myself, don’t know what happened, but it is certainly nothing to do with my young little dove.  Even though I must confess that he is an sometimes, and I actually wanted to throw a shovel on his face this afternoon, but I somehow cannot and will never actually be angry with him for more than one hour. Even one hour is full of doubt, maybe less.

After