Words count: 8,663 words

 

“This is yummy!” Seulgi exclaimed a little on top of her voice.

Seungwan just side-eyed her while Joohyun looked at the tangerine ombre haired girl in amusement.

“Thank you, Seulgi.” Joohyun flashed her eyesmile; Seungwan nearly chokes on her cookie.

There were rare moments for Seungwan to be thankful of Seulgi’s presence, and this was one of them. Seulgi arrived just on time, when things were getting pretty much awkward between the Bae and Seungwan since that little incident in her bedroom.

“No wonder you work as a cook, unnie.” Seulgi snatched another piece of cookie while still having full.

Joohyun just chuckled at Seulgi’s never ending compliments; Seungwan couldn’t help but to steal a few glances at her.

“You never visit me at the café anymore.” Joohyun’s plump lips turned into a pout out of sudden and it had them wondered whether she suffer from the bipolar disorder.

Seulgi rubbed the back of her neck

“I have been so caught up with school, I barely had time for myself.” Seungwan gave her a look that said ‘yeah right’. “But I will come and visit you from now on! Besides, there is no other interesting place for hang out.” Seulgi laughed and Joohyun were all smiling at the latter.

Now, now, where did that feeling of closeness between these two came from?

Seungwan tried to control her face expression. She didn’t like it one bit.

She used her every will to push that feeling aside.

“Seungwan is so lucky to have stay here with you. She can eat delicious food every single day though.” The Kang girl frowned.

“She never really eats my cooking, so it is no big deal.” Joohyun shifted in her seat.

“For real? Are you kidding me Seungwan? I’m willing to kill to eat Joohyun’s unnie dishes every day.” She raised a brow at Seungwan. “It is a pity that she asked you to stay with her instead of me.”

“You are always welcome to this house, Seulgi-ah.” Joohyun tried to coax her.

Somehow, Seungwan’s grip on her cookie made it broke into two.

Tch, this Kang bear girl.

“By the way I have been wondering, do you have a boyfriend right now?”

What did she just asked?

Seungwan was reaching her furious limit but a part of her was curious about that too. She didn’t know the reasons for that latter curiosity.

“Why do you ask?” She saw Joohyun’s cheeks turned into a shade darker. She felt like watching the both of them flirting openly with each other and it had her gritted her teeth.

Didn’t Seulgi told her that she was crushing on that dorm mate of hers the other day? What was this supposed to mean?

“I’m just curious.” Seulgi shrugged nonchalantly.

“Well, nope. I’m not in a relationship right now.”

Seungwan unconsciously let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Seungwan, is it hot?” Joohyun’s sudden query had her snapped her attention to the older girl.

“Huh? Why are you asking that?” Seungwan was confused.

“Your face is so… red. Are you okay?” Joohyun scrutinized her face and Seungwan instinctively cupped her cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m good.” No, she felt her face getting warmer on her palms. “I think I need the bathroom.” With that, she left both Joohyun and Seulgi at the kitchen island.

“What’s wrong with her?” Joohyun looked at the direction where Seungwan’s back figure disappeared, face concerned.

“I don’t know.” Seulgi shrugged and she rubbed her chin afterwards.

Something was amiss about her best friend and she had a speculation on what was it about.

 

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Seungwan tossed her sneakers off her feet carelessly as she was annoyed by the heavy backpack she was carrying.

“Hey, I saw that.” A voice boomed from the living room.

And there, she spotted Joohyun sitting on the couch with a purple pillow in her arms. Eyes were glued to the television yet she claimed to see what Seungwan was doing just now.

She heaved a sigh under her breath; she had a habit of leaving her sneakers without minding to put them in order. It was Joohyun who always arranged them back on the rack.

It was just her assumption because she couldn’t recall placing them nicely on the wooden rack. There was no other person willing to do that for her besides Joohyun in this house, wasn’t it?

If not, it would be creepy.

Seungwan picked her Converse up and placed it under Joohyun’s purple sandals; she inwardly chuckled upon spotting the colour.

“You are home.” Joohyun greeted her with a light smile, as if she had just spotted Seungwan. Her wearing an oversized shirt had Seungwan recalculated Joohyun’s age in her brain.

She looked way too young to be 24.

“You are…” Seungwan tapped her feet on the floor. “… watching the television.”

As per usual, Joohyun let out her feminine cackles. For some unknown reasons, Seungwan was proud of herself for being the cause behind that adorable laugh of Joohyun.

“Do you have class tomorrow?” Joohyun looked at her with anticipated eyes.

“Um, no?” Seungwan did a little dancing with her eyebrows.

“Perfect. I call it movie night.” Joohyun clasped her hands together.

“Wait, what?” Seungwan was surprised.

“Go and get change. I’ll pick the movie.” Joohyun got off the couch and began to scrounge on the pile of DVDs.

“Wait, I have no say in this?” Seungwan stared at Joohyun’s back in disbelief.

“You have 15 minutes left, please don’t waste your precious time.” Joohyun literally ignored her question.

“What?” Seungwan scoffed but head towards her bedroom nevertheless.

 

---

 

Seungwan was on the verge of falling asleep but she tried her best to stay awake.

Joohyun who was seated beside her has already spilled probably two buckets of tears.

The older girl had chosen for them to watch ‘The Notebook’ and Seungwan were rolling her eyes once it started to play on the LCD screen. Not that she wanted to question Joohyun’s preference, but there were a lot of other better movies to choose from.

And she had just to choose this sappy and boring as hell (no offense) movie.

They bickered a little but Seungwan relentlessly raised her white flag when Joohyun said that it was her favourite movie, along with her infamous puppy eyes.

Seungwan stole a few glances towards Joohyun and saw the older girl was totally into the movie. Despite the dim light, she could see tears at the brim of Joohyun’s eyes. And for record, she had finished a newly opened box of tissues. It was barely the yet.

Seungwan was fighting the urge to offer Joohyun for an embrace; she couldn’t help but to feel weak at the sight of a crying Joohyun.

It reminded her of that night.

Seungwan shifted a bit to get a better view of Joohyun, careful not to get caught staring.

Only then that she realized that Joohyun’s eyes were not particularly on the screen but her mind was rather wandering to something distant.

Out of nowhere, Joohyun felt as a pair of arms engulfing her tiny frame in a hug; a very warm hug. She was taken aback but did nothing to fight.

Seungwan clearly lost to her internal battle but she didn’t regret it.

“I am here, unnie.” She hushed with a gentle voice. Well, it was not a wild guess. Seungwan knew what was bothering Joohyun because she also felt exactly the same.

It was just that she had no more tears to shed while Joohyun had been keeping it to herself for too long.

It worried her.

Joohyun fell deeper into the embrace as if seeking for more warmth and comfort. Maybe it had turn into a habit for her; hands held onto Seungwan’s shirt tightly.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled and sniffled afterwards, maybe her nose was stuffed by now.

Seungwan felt bad for chuckling but she couldn’t help it, Joohyun was beyond adorable doing that.

“What are you even sorry for?”

“I ruined the movie night.”

“Well, to be honest you already ruined it since the very start with that horrible choice of movie.” Seungwan tried to joke and Joohyun seemed to ease up a bit.

“It is my favourite movie. It was hers too.” And it struck Seungwan.

“I’m sorry.” Her body tensed up. Seungwan wondered how many facts were there that she didn’t get the chance to learn about Suji.

“No, don’t be. It is just that— I— I thought I was strong enough to face it.” Joohyun sounded like she was holding back her tears from spilling.

“I believe that you are strong, unnie. You just need some more time to heal.” Seungwan rested her chin on top of the crown of Joohyun’s head.

“Have you?” She asked and Seungwan had to draw in a deep breath.

Had she?

She no longer cry herself to sleep, no longer chugging on the bottles of beer, no longer having those repetitive nightmares and no longer feeling so devastated about her life.

That was a very good question, has she healed?

“Not hundred percent, but I can feel that I’m slowly getting there. It was a lot less compared to your loss, unnie.” Seungwan gave what she thought as a decent answer.

“I’m sorry if my suggestion for you to stay here only worsens your condition.”

“Stop blabbering nonsense, unnie.”

“I thought I was going to die in this apartment alone.” Joohyun chuckled at her own joke.

“I guess not anymore. I am right here with you.” Seungwan’s words were coated with nothing but sincerity.

“I bet you are going to ditch me here sooner or later.” Joohyun playfully pushed Seungwan’s arm with her forefinger.

“It depends on you to decide.”

Joohyun unconsciously carved a smile; hidden from the other girl’s sight.

Seungwan didn’t know why she said those lines.

But for now, she knew that she was enjoying the warmth she was sharing with Joohyun.

She was enjoying the smell of Joohyun’s strawberry-scented hair.

She was enjoying the feeling of having Joohyun in her arms.

It felt so right.

It felt like world.

“Your mouth is so full of sugary things, Seungwan. It is not healthy.” Joohyun reached for another box of tissues, wiping her almost dried tears.

“I know you have a soft spot for sweet things, so don't bother to complain though.” Seungwan mocked playfully. “And it is a lot better than to let your face drenched with salty liquids.” She laughed afterwards.

“Yah!” Joohyun pinched her  left arm.

“Ouch! What's up with you and my arms? You are so violent with them.” The Canadian rubbed her sore arm. “And me.” She proceeded to pout.

“You should be glad that me, Bae Joohyun, has started to act like this with you.” She said proudly.

“What does that even mean?” Seungwan eyebrows almost knitted to each other.

“Nothing.” Joohyun answered with a low voice.

'The Notebook' was left abandoned as they started to write their own version of notebook with occasional jokes and laughters.

Soon the two drifted to dreamland on the couch, still holding onto each other tightly.

 

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“Oh my God, I can’t believe I did it.” Seulgi was clearly elated.

“Then don’t believe it.” Seungwan brushed her bangs away.

“Don’t be such a joy killer.” Seulgi glared at her.

“I see what you did there.” Seungwan made a face.

“I did what where?”

“’Joy’ killer, it is her nickname. Now your daily dialogues will all consist of her. Jeez, I feel like literally being a Joy killer.” Seungwan rolled her eyes.

“You don’t say rude things about my girl.” Seulgi simply ignored her.

“You just scored a date, it is yet to call her your girl for now you know.”

“Can you get any more supportive? Thank you, Seungwan. I am the luckiest person on earth to have you as my best friend.” Sarcasm coated her reply.

“You are so gay for her.” Seungwan smirked.

“You got any problem with that?”

“I remember you making fun of me when I told you about— um yeah.” Seungwan cleared .

Seulgi caught that and eyed her concernedly.

“Anyways,” Seulgi began, trying to chase the tension away. “I nearly completed those steps to make her mine. You should be proud of me, guru.” Seulgi playfully bowed.

Seungwan lightly chuckled, Seulgi sure understand her so much.

“Ah, what do I do? My dear student is going to have a girlfriend soon. She would ditch me most of the time for her girl. What a sad life I’m living.” She continued with the little skit Seulgi set up before letting out a sigh.

A sigh that contained thousands of locked emotion within Seungwan. Seulgi wanted to deny it, but she was worried about the possibilities of whatever Seungwan said just now would turn to be true. Yeah, she was that confident that Joy was going to say yes to her.

Speaking of which, she was reminded about a query she had wanted to ask to the Canadian girl.

“Seungwan-ah,” She nudged the girl.

“Hm?” Seungwan just mindlessly played with her fingers.

“Do you have anyone in mind right now?”

“What are you talking about?” Seungwan scrunched her face.

“As in, are you interested in anyone right now?” Seulgi asked.

“What?” Seungwan burst into laughing. “What do you even mean by that?” She gave a disbelief look.

“I don’t want to be such a pain in the , but dude, you looked a lot better than before nowadays.”

“And your point is?” Seungwan was in a daze.

“I thought that it must be because of something happened, or I don’t think it is wrong to say this, because of someone.” Seulgi fidgeted nervously. She hoped she didn’t pull the trigger.

“I… am?” She pursed her lips.

“Yes you are, Son Seungwan.” Seulgi was a bit disappointed at her best friend’s response. “Now it will be better if you just come clean with me.”

“Eh? Nothing happen and there is nobody for me to tell you about.” Seungwan’s forehead creased.

Seulgi just stared at her and Seungwan scoffed.

“God, can you just be straightforward and tell me what kind of idea do you have in that ery brain of yours?” Seungwan slumped into the chair.

“First of all, I’m warning you that whatever I’m going to tell you next is going to sound a little bit crazy.”

“I can count with one hand on how many times you had been talking rationally.” Seungwan huffed.

“I think…” She swore that Seulgi’s gaze was about to make her explode.

“For heaven’s sake, I think what?”

“I think you like Joohyun unnie.”

With that, Seulgi successfully made Seungwan jaw-dropped and eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

She didn’t see that coming, at least from Seulgi.

“Yah.” Seulgi poked her.

Seungwan then snickered.

“That was the best joke ever.”

“I’m not joking!” She put a hand on after grabbing a few unwanted attentions toward them.

“Me and Joohyun unnie? What are you thinking, Seul-ah?”

“I don’t want to think that way either, but you,” she pointed her forefinger at Seungwan. “You can’t get any more obvious and oblivious at the same time.”

“Oh my God, now you are giving me headache. What obvious and oblivious are you talking about?” Seungwan massaged her temples.

“Obvious because you are literally wearing your heart on your sleeves. Oblivious because you didn’t even realize about your own feelings for Joohyun unnie.”

It had her paused and think for a moment.

That warmth Joohyun gave her whenever they spend some time together.

That sense of accomplishments whenever Joohyun laughed at her jokes.

That desire to protect Joohyun from sadness and harm using all her might.

And Joohyun, Bae Joohyun.

“As wonderful as it sounds, I don’t think it’s possible. You are deluding too much.” Seungwan said with a dejected voice.

“What? Why?” Seulgi probed further.

Silence.

They just sat there without talking for a couple of minutes.

Seulgi knew that Seungwan was in the midst of thinking and tried to give her some space.

Did she go overboard with that kind of assumption?

“I’m sorry if I said it wrongly.” Seulgi mumbled as she was feeling dragged by the silence.

“No, it is not hundred percent wrong.” Seungwan clasped her hands.

“You mean you do like her?” Seulgi didn’t expect for Seungwan to admit it this easily.

“I um­— I don’t know.” She shook her head. “Okay, let me be honest, lately I kinda you know, was having these sorts of feeling that I can’t point out what, whenever I am near her. I thought those were just some kind of infatuations? Since I have been in the state of depression and didn’t really met anyone new for months. I tried to tell you about this a few times before but no, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about me. ‘Hah, now that Suji is dead, you are going for her sister? Such desperate girl’ kind of idea. I thought— they would go away soon. But now that you put a finger on this matter, those feelings resurfaced again. I— I am scared, Seul.” She finished with a low voice.

“Scared of what?”

“Of forgetting my love for Suji, my promises to her. I don’t want these feelings to grow.”

“I am more than sure that Suji wants nothing but for you to be happy.” Seulgi couldn’t believe what she had just heard.

“I don’t know.” Seungwan sighed. “It feels wrong now.”

“Wrong? Is being happy considered wrong now?”

“Kang ing Seulgi, she is Suji’s ing blood sister. I feel so wrong to have these kinds of feeling for her. It feels like— I am two timing Suji with her own sister. You got that concept?”

“No offense, but I thought you are over Suji?”

“Still, they are sisters.”

“Hm.” Seulgi slumped back into her seat.

“Silly, it is not like Joohyun unnie share the same feelings as me though. So, it is totally impossible okay.”

“Huh are you even sure?”

They were locked in an eyes gazing battle.

“I gotta get going.” Seungwan left Seulgi staring at her with a look of disbelief.

“Man up, Son Seungwan!” She yelled from her seat.

“I’m a ing girl, you fool.” Seungwan mumbled under her breath, not bothering to turn around.

 

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Everything was going smoothly for the past few weeks. But not until three days ago, when Seungwan started to get so busy and she barely got the chance to talk or meet her; where they literally live under the same roof.

Joohyun got not even the slightest idea, but Seungwan was purposely trying to dodge from meeting her frequently.

It got so lonely after her work hours. It was not that she didn’t have any circle of friends; but spending time with them only brings headache and uneasiness to her. Joohyun was not that kind of person who fond of crowd and loudness.

Looking back to her past, she was someone who had spotlight on her without her asking for it. Joohyun received a lot of confessions during her days in high school and college but most of them got turned down.

She only dated for like twice during her lifespan. The first one was with a guy named Song Minho. He was a very popular dude in her former high school, face been said to resemble those members of a legendary K-pop group in South Korea.

Minho was funny, charming and all but Joohyun found herself to feel burden about their relationship. He had a lot of pursuers and secret admirers that Joohyun even received a few threats wanting to hurt her if she stays with that guy.

Minho insisted on keeping their relationship and being the gentle person she was, Bae Joohyun complied.

Joohyun had to face tons of death glares every day when she was walking pass by the cafeteria but she chose to ignore them; for the sake of Minho she thought. She found that to be so unbelievably ridiculous now.

But the sad thing was not about those threats and cusses she got, rather because she found Minho making out with her so called best friend, Jinah.

It was so not her, but Joohyun slapped the out of him; eyes fuming with anger.

It was the very first time for her to practise such an act of violence towards someone. Lucky for Jinah, she just shot her a dagger glare before storming out of the changing room; else Jinah might turn into the second victim of a raw violence that was Joohyun.

She lost her almighty boyfriend that day and she chose to turn it into a combo by ignoring Jinah until she graduated from the school.

On her second experience with dating, she rather not to talk about it. Maybe it was destined or maybe it was out of pure foolishness but she decided to approve Ok Taecyeon as her boyfriend.

Come to think of it, she would love to call it as her phase as a foolish girl.

Taecyeon was her senior during her early college year. He was infamous for dating a very long list of pretty girls. Soon as Bae Joohyun set her foot into the college, she was already queued in the list.

Long story short, his determination to get her to be his that he willingly stood in front of the crowd in the auditorium hall during one of the graduation ceremonies, delivering his confession towards Joohyun while down on his knees, had Joohyun to say yes.

But Joohyun was well aware that they were just flings. Suji had her focus checked every time before she set off to classes.

Her focus to build a life for both of her and Suji.

It was when Taecyeon came to her in one of their mutual friend’s party, crazily drunk, and forced himself upon her, that she decided she had enough with him.

She was lucky that her friends saved her from that sick guy else she might be regretting it for the rest of her life.

Joohyun had enough with dating since then. There were no much experiences, but she figured it was better for her to set those unnecessary things aside and focus on Suji more.

And that pillar of her living left her before they could even reach their dreams together. What a shame.

Joohyun threw her head back, not wanting to spill another round of tears. She didn’t want Seungwan to come home and found her crying pathetically again.

She hated to admit it, but she might be missing Seungwan’s presence.

If there was anything that she should felt worth of doing, it was asking Seungwan to move in with her.

“I just left you for a few hours and now you have already turned into a beautiful but insane girl?” Joohyun jumped in her seat.

Since when did Seungwan reached home?

“What do you mean?” She said in a defending tone.

“You were smiling by yourself.” Seungwan face spelled nothing but accusing.

“I have every right to do that. Now, shut up.” Joohyun rolled her eyes.

“Ouch.” Seungwan put her hand just above her chest. “Did I just been told to shut up by the gorgeous Bae Joohyun?” She faked a pain groan.

“Your acting is so bad and not to mention your pick up lines are so cheap.”

“Says who that I’m flirting with you?” Seungwan blurted while busily opening a bag of chips that she snatched from the kitchen cupboard.

When she realized that Joohyun didn’t reply her, she looked up and found the older girl slightly frowning.

“Unnie?” She called out.

“You are so silly sometimes.” Joohyun ran her fingers through her dark locks.

“I’m sorry?” She raised a brow.

“You shouldn’t eat snacks in the middle of night, Son Seungwan.” Joohyun’s fixated gaze on her made her felt so attacked. “I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Seungwan.” Joohyun just smiled faintly at her, it barely reached her eyes.

“Goodnight, unnie.” She confusedly replied.

What’s wrong with her?

 

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Seungwan reached home earlier today as her class was cancelled and she got nowhere else to go. The silence befall upon her entering the unit, it was no longer deafening like it used to be.

A part of her was relieved as Joohyun was nowhere to be seen, but another side of her was disappointed about that fact.

She had been trying her best to avoid from letting herself to be near Joohyun lately and still careful not to let the older girl suspect it.

Seulgi went crazy when she told her about that plan of hers, harboured her with 'What are you thinking?', 'Are you crazy?', 'You should face it Seungwan-ah!', 'Tch I never thought that you are a cowardice,' and everything else along the lines.

But when Seungwan reasoned that she needed to sort out her thoughts and confirmed her feelings for the older Bae by staying away from the said subject, only then her monolid best friend calmed down and gulped down her beer in oneshot. She offered a glass to Seungwan to which she declined with a disgusted face.

'Huh now you don't even want to drink this anymore? I guess you don't have to drag this hide and seek game for too long,' Seungwan remember that annoying smirk Seulgi had on her face, she let it pass and blamed it on the alcohol.

If there was one thing she could conclude from her avoiding Joohyun since a few days ago, it was she misses to talk and make Joohyun laugh at her stupid jokes.

Seungwan fell back onto her bed as Joohyun's eyesmile and chuckle started to play behind her closed lids. She unconsciously grinning at the images.

It was when she snapped open her eyes that she realized what she was doing.

Smiling and laughing like an idiot at the thought of a certain girl.

Was it a sign?

Sign of her falling in love again?

Seungwan tried to chase the thought away.

Her hand reached for the bottom most drawer of her study desk and she took a mini album out, letting her thumb to caress the front cover.

It was her gift to Suji on their third month of together anniversary, filled with photos of them that she collected since day one. Suji laughed as she received it, hers was the out-going type as compared to Joohyun's, and pecked on her cheek which left her blushing like a young teenager.

Seungwan opened it and a faint bittersweet smile carved on her lips. A few flips afterwards, she found a photo where she, Suji alongside with Joohyun were all smiling as they posed in this space she currently was in. She recalled Joohyun was forced by her sister to join them right after she went passed by Suji's bedroom, debating that she hasn't change out of her work clothes.

Joohyun was so silly at times and Seungwan realized that she has grown to love that particular trait of her.

Seungwan used to be haunted by Suji's memories in this room, she could vividly remember every each of their time spent together here. That was why she had hard times to fall asleep and opted to chug on bottles of beer to help her get through it.

Now, not anymore. The flashbacks slowly vanished away and it made her realized what she scared the most all this while has finally happening.

Her fear of forgetting Suji and their memories together.

But as she went through it day by day, it was not as scary as she thought it would be.

The process rather happened naturally, or maybe because Joohyun was there filling up the gaps.

Seungwan snickered. The things Joohyun did to her.

Would this turn her into a betrayer? As she slowly (but constantly) breaking her promises toward Suji.

But wouldn't Suji wanted her to be happy? Wanted her dear sister to be happy?

Betrayer, betrayer, betrayer.

If she ever dragged Joohyun in this, to share the same feelings as hers, which she believed has the most thinnest possibilities on this earth, it would make the two of them.

Betrayers.

She pinched the bridge of her nose as both resent and guilt builded up within her.

 

---

 

“I missed you. I used to think that my life was over when I received the phone call that day. I felt like dying when the doctor shook his head and said that he was sorry. , what was there that he was sorry for?

From that on, I learned that life is cruel. You will never get to have everything that you want. We were born as lone souls, so we will die the same way too.

They say if you want something, pray with all your heart. So I did just that, but why didn’t He granted my prayer? And I lost my trust in Him, I lost my hope to live.

You remember that rusty penknife that I kept in my school bag? I tried to cut myself a few times using it. Funny how I kept it there to protect myself from outsiders harm, turned out it was me who hurt my own self.

Then daddy snatched it away from me, I remember his eyes that time were filled with disappointments and worries. He asked me to come with him and meet this friend of his, a psychology expert he said. I locked myself in my bedroom because I refused to go.

What? Am I some kind of crazy girl?

I just lost the love of my life; someone who brought happiness and sunshine into my life, someone who showered me with nothing but love and care. How did people expect me to react?

I pity my daddy, he lost his own wife a few years before that. Then, he had to deal with me crying night and day, calling out for mommy. He said that everything is gonna be alright, when he himself never gets the chance to be alright.

Fast forward a couple of years after that, you left me. I was left yet again by someone whom I loved dearly. Life was so ed up for me that all I think about was to die.

I even downed a bottle of sleeping pills. Well, let’s not get to that.

But then one day, I saw daddy sat alone by himself on the living room couch, he thought I was sleeping. He was hugging a photograph frame of our family and silently cried. He muffled his sobs with his already wrinkled hand. I was so disheartened by that, I couldn’t describe the feeling with words.

That’s why I decided to go back here and continue with my studies. I don't wanna add the misery to daddy’s life. He was smiling when I told him about that, I'm glad I still managed to make him smile even for a bit.

My initial plan was to do everything in the right way, get my scroll and fly back to Canada. But now, I don’t know about that anymore.” She dropped her head and shut her eyes.

“Suji-ah, is it wrong for me to fall in love with someone again after you? I didn’t think I was going to feel any sort of romantic feelings for anyone anymore since you were gone.

Not until a few weeks ago.

It makes me feel warmth again and guilty at the same time.

I don’t want to forget you, love.

I don’t want to erase you from my heart.

I don’t want to give my love to someone else.

I don’t want to be selfish.

But,

Suji-ah, forgive me.

Forgive me if it turns out to be true.

Forgive me if I really am falling for someone else.

Forgive me... because I think it is Joohyun unnie who took my heart away.”

She smiled faintly (and guiltily), it didn’t even reach her eyes. Seungwan thought of visiting Suji because her mind was a mess since she came to realize about her feelings and she didn’t know anywhere else to go.

“Do you think that I should go to back to Canada? Maybe that is the only way for me to avoid this from happening.” Seungwan stared so hard at the name carved on the gravestone that her eyes hurt.

“Avoid what from happening?” A familiar voice startled her from behind and Seungwan hastily turned around, face panic.

“Unnie? Why aren’t you at work?” She tried to keep her cool.

“I don’t have work today.” The older girl shrugged.

“But... you weren't home earlier? And why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I took some times out to clear up my mind and... you weren’t home last night. If I recall correctly you even left early this morning, without a proper goodbye.” Seungwan sensed sarcasms behind Joohyun's answer.

“Oh.” Seungwan gulped as she remembered trying to minimize her time at home so that she wouldn’t have to deal with Joohyun.

“What are you doing here? You don’t have class?” Joohyun eyed her.

“I just thought of paying Suji a visit.” Somehow, she saw the corner of Joohyun’s lips tugged downwards and formed a straight line.

“Oh.” Joohyun then nodded slowly. “Am I interrupting?”

“Huh? No! Of course not. I was about to get going though. I think… I have another class later.” Seungwan rubbed her neck.

“You think?” Joohyun looked at her suspiciously before glancing at her wristwatch; it showed 5:37 PM.

“I uh—”Seungwan hated the fact that Joohyun’s stares always sent her to the brink of sanity, she was fidgeting too much. “Imma get going.”

Seungwan fled away, she didn’t expect for Joohyun to be here. She painfully hoped that Joohyun didn’t hear anything that she said earlier. Joohyun might get the wrong idea about her if she ever knows about her potential feelings toward the older girl.

Just the thought of it already aroused the panic within her.

 

---

 

“What the heck is wrong with her?” Joohyun mumbled under her breath as Seungwan left her alone there.

Left her alone, again.

She didn't want to think the worse, but somehow Seungwan looked bothered lately and Joohyun badly wanted Seungwan to share it with her. Joohyun wanted to tend to whatever that were running around Seungwan's life, be it good or bad things.

She believed that the desire was purely out of her care for the younger girl, but sometimes she was not sure about it either.

At times, Joohyun had an instinct that Seungwan was not comfortable with the way she treats her that Seungwan slowly trying to distance herself from Joohyun and back to square. Back to isolating herself from Joohyun and acted like they were no more than just housemates.

Housemates.

She cringed at the word. No, she didn't want them to be just housemates with each other; not that she knows what she wants from the other girl too.

But she was sure that she didn't want all her efforts on breaking the walls around Seungwan goes to vain.

She met Seungwan first time since the girl left for Canada more than a year ago, looking fragile and messy. Upon that sight, Joohyun then knew it was not her alone who was suffering from the lost. And she didn't like the thought of it.

Seungwan told her bits of her life and that was when Seungwan slipped on her tongue about her difficulty to find a decent place to live here.

Then Joohyun did it. She offered Seungwan to stay with her. She didn't know why but she didn't want to let Seungwan leave her sight, at least not as soon after that encounter.

Maybe because Seungwan were practically pieces of Suji's past and meeting Seungwan again convinced her that Suji was real in her life; not just some kind of dream nor nightmare. Dealing with her sister's lost all alone was exhausting that sometimes Joohyun believed she had lost her sanity altogether.

Her life was a misery since Suji left. It added more pain into her account that every single of her family members had already left her for good. Joohyun braced herself not to give up and wore mask on her whenever she was out of the apartment. People around her were so worried that she didn't show any signs of mourning nor crying about it.

Little did they know about that pathetic part of her that she unleashed once she was locked in her apartment that used to shelter Suji in it.

She gave her phone number to Seungwan and Joohyun waited up a few days after that, hoping for the girl to ring her and say yes to her suggestion. Five days passed and there was still no sign of Seungwan, Joohyun dropped her hope and went back to her normal life.

But on a morning a week after that, she groggily woken up to her phone ringing; an unknown contact number was all displayed on the screen. 'It's me Seungwan, is your offer still up?' instantly put a smile on her morning. Not to mention she saved the number soon as Seungwan cut the line off, with her 'Yes, it is,' as the answer.

Seungwan moved in but there was an invisible barrier between them with Seungwan came out as cold and grumpy, so unlike her that Joohyun used to know. It was her initial intention to make Seungwan warm up with her because that way she wouldn't have to think much about her own wounds.

Seungwan always locked herself in the (Suji's former) bedroom (to which Joohyun said sorry to because there was no other room available in her small apartment) for God knows every single day after her class ended. She also often came home (either slightly or crazily) drunk and Joohyun was worried to see her so vulnerable that a soft touch on her skin may break her.

She was so elated when Seungwan began to open up with her (for whatever reason it was, she hoped it was not out of pity because of her crying in Seungwan's arms that night) that she felt accomplished and anticipated for the girl to come home everyday.

The voice at the back of her mind was telling her that this was not normal of her and warned her to mind her step. But with Seungwan, those were left forgotten. Until she came to realize that she has stepped over the boundary and it seems hard to turn back now.

“Am I really falling for her, Suji-ah?” Joohyun whispered, trace of her hot breath mixing with the cold air was visible but not that vivid; just like how she was feeling towards Seungwan at the moment.

“Will this makes me bad if it is proven to be true?” A sigh escaped her lips.

“I didn't mean to but I'm so sorry, Suji-ah.”

 

---

 

Joohyun was on her way out of the cemetery’s front gate when she saw a lone figure leaning against one of the lamp posts there. She immediately recognized the thick brown trench coat and strutted towards the person.

A tap on her shoulder made her felt like losing her soul for a second.

“Oh my God!” She rubbed her chest. “Why did you do that?” She widened her eyes.

“Why aren’t you going to your class yet?” Joohyun purposely emphasized the word.

“It got cancelled!” Seungwan exclaimed, flabbergasted.

“Okay… Then what are you doing here?” Joohyun was a bit confused at the girl’s antics.

“That… On second thought, um—” She felt a huge lump forming in . “Um, do you want to take a walk with me?” Seungwan blurted out, eyes avoiding Joohyun’s stare.

Joohyun stared at her with a blank expression for a few seconds before her eyes lost behind their lids as she began to laugh.

“You are so cute.” Joohyun chuckled. “But I just took a walk though.”

“You call wandering around by yourself as taking a walk? It is called forever alone, unnie.” She tried to humor, but her palms had already turned clammy.

“You meanie!” Joohyun slapped her arm. “You are alone too, so that makes the two us.” She glared.

“I don't want to team up with you.”

Better to make us a pair.

“I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that.” Joohyun drew in a deep breath. “Where do you wanna go?”

“I— don’t have anywhere particular in mind.” She said honestly, her dry lips.

“And you asked me to take a walk with you?” Joohyun made an annoyed expression.

“As long as it is with me, you got no problem right?” Seungwan showed a lopsided grin.

“Now, now, where did you get that shameless confidence?” Joohyun raised a brow.

“Because I’m a mind reader.” Seungwan goofed around.

She then tugged Joohyun by her wrist and made her walk besides her, she figured where to head to in mind now.

“You— you are?” Joohyun stared at her in horror.

“Why? Is there anything that you are hiding from me?” Seungwan glanced at the older girl.

“Of course not.” Joohyun immediately turned into her serious mood.

Seungwan occasionally glanced at her hand on Joohyun’s wrist and smiled to herself.

 

---

 

“It’s getting colder.” Seungwan rubbed her hands together.

“Here, lemme do this.” Joohyun clasped their hands together and Seungwan immediately frozen. “You really are cold, Wan-ah.” Joohyun cackled.

It was the second time she heard Joohyun calling her using that name. It used to irritate her but now she found it to be endearing and left her craving to hear it more often.

“There, feeling better now?” Seungwan was too busy with her own thoughts that she didn’t realize Joohyun had already retrieved her hands.

“Ye— yeah. Thanks.” Seungwan smiled. She already misses the warmth from Joohyun’s hands.

“I don’t want you to get froze with this kind of weather.” Joohyun said.

“You really care about me that much huh?” Seungwan glanced at her.

“Says who? I just don’t want to deal with the aftereffects if you really got frozen.” Joohyun made a disgusted look.

“Such as missing my presence?” Seungwan wriggled her eyebrows.

“Oh God, stop that.” Joohyun playfully slapped her arm.

Joohyun was startled when Seungwan pulled her by her waist out of nowhere and sent her crashed to Seungwan’s body.

“Wha— what?” Joohyun’s cheeks were flushed in pink at the intimate distance.

“You almost bump into that ahjussi.” Seungwan pointed out behind them and Joohyun saw an elderly man rushing through the crowds.

“Oh, thanks.” Joohyun looked down on the street, embarrassed.

“No problem.” Seungwan let go of her hold on Joohyun. It made Joohyun felt a bit disappointed at the loss of warmth.

Joohyun failed to notice the slight frown that Seungwan wore on her face.

They walked a little bit more in silence until they reached a small path that leads to a park. Seungwan put her mind together and tried to come out with something.

But Joohyun beat Seungwan to it.

“Seungwan, look!” Seungwan immediately snapped her head towards wherever Joohyun was pointing. “It is the first snow.” Joohyun lapped her palms to catch the falling white snow; her eyes glittering.

Seungwan was in awe; Bae Joohyun plus snow was equivalent to a pure bliss. And the lighting coming from the nearby lamp post complimented Joohyun’s features perfectly. Seungwan still questions herself about ‘whether all the Baes are always this pretty’. She had a very hard time not to stare at Joohyun.

“Yeah, it is the first snow.” Seungwan blurted out, her eyes were fixed on Joohyun. “Beautiful.”

“I know right?” Joohyun was totally oblivious for she was too caught up with the snow. “By the way, can I ask you something?” Her gaze was still adoring the cold white substances on her palms.

“Yeah, sure.” Seungwan just mindlessly nodded.

“Are you­—” She cleared , “Are you uncomfortable with me?”

“Eh? Why would you ask that?” Seungwan was bewildered.

“Cause I... um I feel like you're avoiding me these days."

“Where do you even get that idea?" Seungwan was nervous as heck to cover it up. "I wouldn't wait for you earlier if I really do, you know."

“Right.” Joohyun didn't sounded as convinced and the thought of her might be hurting Joohyun was beginning to form in her mind.

“Joohyun-ah.”

“Yes? Wait­— what did you just call me?” Joohyun immediately looked up and was blushing when she found Seungwan’s brown orbs were fixed on her.

“I­— I’m sorry.” She cupped . “I didn’t mean to.” Seungwan looked away whilst rubbing her nape.

“No, say it again.”

Seungwan gulped.

“What? Why?” Seungwan was clearly taken aback.

“Just do it!” Joohyun shrieked.

“Okay, fine. Just don’t turn me deaf.” She narrowed her eyes before clearing awkwardly. “Joo— ahem Joohyun-ah.” Her voice was timid.

Joohyun chuckled and a sheepish smile was carved on her plump lips.

“You are so silly,” Joohyun dared not to look at Seungwan’s expression. “And ridiculously cute.” Joohyun hugged herself tighter; the coldness has started to reach her white bones.

A pair of hands then was draped on her bony shoulders, pulling her ever so gently to settle in an embrace. It was too sudden but she didn’t even try to waste her energy to fight back. She was geting used to this, was loving this habitual gesture of Seungwan. She inhaled the scent coming from the brunette’s locks; a scent that she has grown familiar to. Slowly, she gathered her own pair of hands around Seungwan’s neck. Joohyun rested her side of head on the younger girl’s shoulder.

It scared her at first after finding out on how comfortable she got whenever Seungwan hug her like this.

Seungwan provided her with warmth; not too much and not too little. It was to her liking.

The thought of falling for Seungwan crossed her mind again and she tried to push it aside due to the fact that Seungwan was her sister’s girlfriend.

Joohyun felt like betraying her own sister if she really harboured such feelings toward Seungwan.

But now that Seungwan was in her arms, them breathing almost at the same pace and just enjoying the warmness radiated from each other; Joohyun really didn’t know what was all this about anymore.

Her mind was at ease but also a wreck at the same time.

Joohyun felt as Seungwan rested her head just beside hers.

“Am I being rude for calling you like that?” Seungwan’s sudden booming of voice made Joohyun jumped a little. Seungwan only held her tighter.

“No? No, I actually like it.” She shook her head lightly.

“Good then.” Seungwan whispered.

“What do you mean by ‘good’?” Joohyun pulled a bit, eyes scanning Seungwan’s face under the dim light.

“Can I say something... crazy?” Seungwan was sweating buckets. She released Joohyun from her grasp slowly.

“What kind of crazy ‘something’?” Joohyun saw as Seungwan fidgeted and it made her heart to beat a tad faster.

“I don’t know if— oh my God, I should not do this. I don’t want— I don’t want you to think badly of me or anything.”

“It’s okay, just say it.” Joohyun said in a calm voice.

Seungwan shut her eyes tightly and gulped one last time, not forgetting to huff a lungful of air.

“I think I sort of have… fallen for you.” Seungwan took hold just a glimpse of Joohyun’s eyes before averting her gaze to her shoelaces.

Say about confessing for the second time.

Joohyun just stay rooted there, not saying anything.

A part of Seungwan died at the outcome, she really should not have considered coming clean with Joohyun.

Hell no she was going to approve this, what more to return her feelings.

The awkwardness and disappointment began to settle in the air around them.

“I’m sorry, I was just—” Seungwan forced herself to swallow back her tears. “I just need you to know that. Let’s just pretend that this never happen. I— I’m thinking of flying back to Canada. So—”

“What are you saying, Seungwan?” Joohyun finally spoke up, her voice stern. “Do you even realize whatever that you just said?”

“Look, I said I’m sorry okay? This shouldn’t—” Seungwan finally looked up and was stunned as she found teary eyes Joohyun. “Unnie?” She thought she had just made a wrong choice confessing to Joohyun tonight. “What am I thinking? Of course this is wrong from the very start. I felt guilty, I felt like a betrayer, a sinner. I dismissed all that but now—” Seungwan laughed and it made her looked like she had just lost her sanity.

“Then what does that makes me?” Joohyun held her gaze. “You want to leave here right after confessing to me? Seriously, Son Seungwan?” Joohyun raised her voice a little.

“What are you even saying, unnie? What makes you what?” Seungwan widened her eyes; everything looked so absurd to her now.

“If it makes you feel guilty, like a betrayer and a sinner, then what does that makes me… that I’m falling for you too?” Joohyun barely let the last line to escape her trembling lips.

The first tears was then set free from Joohyun’s beautiful brown eyes.

Seungwan didn’t expect that one bit.

was slightly agape, she couldn’t think of anything as her mind went blank.

Was Joohyun really meant what she said?

But she rejected her confession with the silence and despised her love for Joohyun just now, wasn’t... it?

“What unnie?” Seungwan asked, eyes at lost.

The next thing Seungwan knew was Joohyun’s lips pressed briefly on hers; a chill sensation ran down Seungwan’s spine she almost couldn’t contain it. Their forehead stay touched with each other’s and Seungwan was still in a haze; the time played in a slow motion in Seungwan’s world.

“Stop calling me unnie.” Joohyun whispered; her warm breath tickled Seungwan’s face. “It makes me feel like a e.” Joohyun joked making Seungwan chuckled.

Seungwan then regained her senses, but the reality hasn’t really hit her.

“Unnie— I mean, Joo— Joohyun-ah, are you... sure about this?” Even though Joohyun had just literally confessed her feelings too, Seungwan still felt at guilt and uncertain.

“I’m sure, Wan-ah.” Joohyun answered in a heartbeat. “Are you backing off now?” Her voice trembled.

Seungwan took a moment of silence, trying to gather her thoughts and rational together.

“No, we’ll get through this together.”

Seungwan lifted Joohyun’s face by her chin before sealing the words with a slow kiss. Joohyun’s arms s their way around her neck whilst Seungwan’s circled Joohyun’s small waist, pulling her closer. They shared gentle kisses, embedding the moment at the back of their mind.

“I’m cold.” Joohyun said as they stopped and stared at each other; she was shivering, mirroring a cold kitten.

Seungwan cackled before placing a peck on Joohyun’s delicate right cheek, proceeded to wipe Joohyun's tears with her thumb.

“Let’s get you back home, unnie. I mean— Joo— ahem Joohyun-ah.” She intertwined their fingers in a timid way, they fit perfectly.

“You are so cute when you act all awkward like that, you know.” Joohyun .

“Shut up, you crybaby.” Seungwan mumbled, somehow her hold on Joohyun's delicate fingers was tightened.

“Ow.” Joohyun winced.

“I'm— I'm sorry. I didn't mean—” Seungwan panic mode was on, she instinctively let go of Joohyun's hand.

Joohyun's signature chuckle made it presence.

“I was just kidding, Wan-ah.” Her laugh grew wilder.

“Oh, God, I hate you.” Seungwan then walked away, leaving a maniacal looking Joohyun behind.

A slender arm then was slid down her left one, before cold fingers filling the gaps around her bony ones. She didn't reject them though.

The coldness bit her to the core bones with the constant breezing wind and falling white snows, but a certain Bae Joohyun managed to provide her with warmth that she needed.

They just inevitablely fell for each other. But they were far from betrayers.

Seungwan was sure that Bae Suji might be all smiling somewhere in haven right now.

 

THE END.

Author notes: For the umpteenth times I swear that the plots were a lot better in my mind. I was overflowing with ideas halfway through it when I had to stop so suddenly and poof the smooth flow was gone. I didn't even want to post this at first, but man 10k++ words (and hours of sleepless nights) were about to go waste.

I'm sorry if the plots and timeframes were confusing, I don't have the time to rewrite it all over again.

AND sorry if the ending was too abrupt and kinda disappointing you guys.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I WISH FOR A GREAT YEAR AHEAD OF US! FOR MORE RED VELVET! FOR MORE WENRENE! Lulz.

Thank you readers, subscribers, commenters and upvoters. I love you guys welp cheesy.

Eh btw,

Cr: @redjuhye0n@twitter

Bae Joohyun is no longer as innocent as I thought she had always be. As expected from the new Kid Leader, you byuntae Irene.
Not that I'm complaining though.

Till then.

THANK YOU AGAIN GUYS!