Words count: 7,937 words

 

She groaned as her world started to spin around, making her held onto her head although it didn’t serve much. A few seconds passed, only then she finally got a grasp on the reality.

Her petite body was tossed roughly to her side, facing the other half of her bed where it was left empty. She reached for the soft mattress, cold and solemn. She could almost hear her heart crying and yearning for the space to be filled but she chose to turn her ears deaf.

She struggled to push herself up, trying to support her upper weight using her own wobbling elbows. She succeeded after a few pitiful attempts, chuckling inwardly looking down at her pathetic state.

The brunette drew in a deep breath, the stinging sensation of alcohol still lingered at the back of her tongue; making her face grimaced. She shook her head vigorously, hoping the hangover would subside only to have the pain throbbing on her temples even more.

Then she caught a glimpse of glass of water along with a bottle of pills that she has grown accustomed to on the bedside table. She let her feet to touch the floor that had her dipping her head into her palms at the sudden movement.

After making sure that she’s numb enough to the pain, her slender fingers were wrapped around the cold bottle and she uncapped it. The familiar scent invaded her nose that she backed away instinctively.

this.

She coughed after gulping down the whole glass of water in one shot. The emptiness of this very apartment hit her once again as she stared at the wall in front of her. Pulling the hem of her shirt, she finally separated her bottom from the comfy bed and made her way out of this so called little haven.

 

---

 

Seungwan never wanted any of this to happen nor did she want to be who she was right now. But things happened as per fated. There were always ups and downs in life although Seungwan has yet to figure out where she was at the moment.

They say live your life to the fullest and when she had done exactly that, her entire life was snatched away from her own hands. Fate always plays it parts either humorously or cruelly. She snickered at the thought.

“You’re up.” The sudden ringing of a voice made her jump a little in her place.

She just stared at the other figure, unsure on how to respond.

“You went home drunk again last night.” She winced at the usage of word ‘again’. The subtle emotion in her tone made Seungwan felt vulnerable and broken.

“Shouldn’t you be at… work right now?” Her voice croaked, Seungwan almost didn’t want to believe that it belongs to her.

“I already told Mrs. Kim that I am going to be late today.” There, now guilt gnawed from beneath Seungwan’s stomach. “I made you some soup, you can heat it up later.”

“You don’t have to.” She mumbled but loud enough for the other to hear.

A soft smile crept on her plump lips and Seungwan looked away almost immediately.

“You still need to freshen up and eat something, Seungwan-ah. I’ll be home late tonight, you don’t have to wait up.” Not that she really ever waits for her to come home.

The black haired girl then slid into her Vans and made it to the door, left hand clutched tightly on her backpack strip.

“Don’t get into trouble again.” With one last glance and sweet smile, she closed the door behind her.

Seungwan almost forgot how to breathe.

 

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Seungwan stared down on the paperwork as if trying to create a hole pass through it. She snapped out of her trance when a pair of hands suddenly smacked her upper back. Her heart almost leaps out along with cusses that were pouring down from her lips.

“What the hell?” She shot a glare.

“Means no haven.” The newcomer then chuckled lightly.

Seungwan just rolled her eyes.

“You drank again the other night, didn't you?” It hit Seungwan in the guts.

“Where did you get that information?” She avoided having any eye contacts with the person seated across her.

“It doesn’t matter, nothing escapes my knowledge.” She chewed on the snacks supposedly belong to Seungwan.

“It feels like you had just invaded into my private life.”

“Seriously? Invading?” She dropped the bag of chips and put her hands close to her chest. “It hurts.”

“Stop it, Seul.” Her eyes rolled back once again.

They fell into silence with the occasional noises of Seungwan scribbling on the paper accompanying them.

“How are you?” The girl with tangerine-dipped dye hair asked.

Instinctively, Seungwan quirked her eyebrows. What kind of question was that?

“I’m fine?” Her hands flailed in the air as if pointing out on her presence in front of Seulgi.

“How’s the thing at home?”

She fell back into the chair, trying to recall the atmosphere back at the apartment; or home as Seulgi said. Nights of bawling her eyes out and having to deal with those repetitive nightmares came haunting her again lately, but she didn’t need to tell anyone yet.

A faint sigh escaped her dry lips.

“It’s fine.”

“Can you answer anything else but fine?” Seulgi looked nonchalant.

“No.”

“Does she treat you good?” Seulgi probed further and it made Seungwan almost chased out of her comfort zone.

“Yeah? Why are you asking me these?” She pulled a face.

“I’m just curious.” Seulgi smiled that the white of her eyes were nowhere to be seen.

Seungwan just picked up her pen and resumed to the pile of homework, she needs to deal with this before the due date comes knocking. She has postponed her studies for too long to waste the time.

“Let me help you with that.” Seulgi left her former sit and settled beside Seungwan.

 

---

 

By the time she arrived back at home, Seungwan could make out the light creeping out from beneath the front door. The jingles of her keys broke the still air that has been surrounding her since she reached the third floor.

Closing the door behind her, she kicked her sneakers off her feet.

The smells of freshly cooked pasta dispersed through the air and she didn’t need to guess who was the person responsible behind that.

Seungwan proceeded to pad to her own room; she wanted to shut the world behind the closed door. It has been like this every time, for her to feel the same pain all over again whenever the night engulfed.

How she wished to shut herself forever too, it would be better that way.

She face-planted herself into the pillow, there were times where she attempted to suffocate herself in order to end her lifeline. Not to mention a few other stupid ways of her trying to leave this world for good.

It’s amazing how she still wakes up every morning, get dressed and out of the apartment. How she still managed to tug on her lips to smile, meeting people and dealing with . How she still breathes in oxygen and exchanges them into carbon dioxide.

It’s amazing how she still exists on this very earth.

Seungwan could blurry recall the first few months of her world being crushed down by cruel fate. She refused to talk, eat or even step out of her room. All she did was to bury herself deep beneath the pile of blanket and comforter, hugging dearly onto her bolster while crying her heart out. She even barked at whoever trying to make her talk or move to fulfil her basic necessities.

She neglected her school. It’s lucky for her that the university understood her enough to give her the time and space to recover.

Seungwan basically was a walking dead during that downfall of hers. She thought she would never make it for another day, she would never get over it for another night.

But she did and here she was.

No more than a human, no less than a dead. Seungwan never really recovers.

Maybe it was a fault for her to dismiss the suicide before, for the idea began to resurface in her mind again lately.

A knock on the door stop her from her train of thoughts, part of her was relieved; or else she might be doing something stupid later. She turned her body around so that she was facing the ceiling, the pillow remained intact to her face.

“Seungwan?” A soft voice pierced through the tense air in her cold bedroom. Seungwan did no attempt to look up. “Have you eaten dinner yet?”

Seungwan stayed motionless, she never really has the appetite to eat anyways. She only touched the food because of the sole reason for her to keep on living her life, as people around her said to do.

Move on they say, that.

She counted in her head and a full minute has passed since the question left unanswered. Seungwan then heard the door being clicked shut again.

Of course that would happen.

How could someone bear with her attitude and broken self for such a long period? They would eventually walk away. So does Joohyun, wasn’t it?

She almost jumped out of the bed when she feels the other side of the mattress dipped by a weight. Seungwan backed away, hand on her chest trying to calm her racing heart.

“Sorry.” She blurted out with an apologetic smile.

Joohyun chose to sit here instead of leaving her alone in her pathetic state as per usual. Why?

“How did you know that I’m home?” Seungwan asked.

“Your shoes.” Joohyun answered in a small voice.

Seungwan looked away before shifting so that her back was facing Joohyun. Pulling the blanket over her head, she settled to lay on her right side. Silence stayed stagnant in the small space and Seungwan forced her ears to perk up for any sign of Joohyun leaving but to no avail.

Joohyun was still there, sitting on that side of the bed.

“I’m not hungry.” She finally served a response to the almost forgotten query.

“I cooked dinner for two tonight.” Silence. “You don’t want it to go to waste don’t you?” Joohyun’s voice was low as if it’s going to hurt Seungwan if she raises it a volume or two.

Joohyun knew it better that she never really eats dinner at home since she moved in here. So why would she bother to cook for them tonight?

It was better for Joohyun to just leave her alone and worry about more important things; not that there was anything left to relate them both.

Seungwan felt as the figure behind her shifting and the next thing happened totally caught her off guard.

An arm was draped over her waist loosely and warm breath tickled her back; Joohyun literally buried her face there.

“Seungwan-ah, come eat with me.” Her voice was whiny as she still up to persuade Seungwan to come with her.

It has been long time ago since last someone held onto her close like this. That particular someone was etched at the back of her mind that it haunts her in her sleep almost every night. Seungwan couldn’t deny that she missed to be embrace like this, to be touch and love like before.

If she was to be given a chance to choose, she would want to go back before everything happens. She would stop the hands on the clock and brings her loved ones to safe haven.

But no, she was no more than just an ordinary human being. The reality hurts her to no end.

Seungwan bit on her lower lips to avoid from spilling her tears right there in front of Joohyun. Joohyun didn’t need to deal with that ugly part of her.

“Seungwan-ah, please?” She was not sure but she could feel Joohyun’s plea in a slight tremble this time.

Putting her mind together, Seungwan finally gave up on playing it hard. She relented as she sat up and pulled the cover off her. She couldn’t see Joohyun’s reaction but she could imagine the rainbows and unicorns that might be formed around Joohyun right now.

Cold but delicate fingers grabbed hold of her left wrist, yanking her away from the mess of her bed.

The mess of her life.

 

---

 

She watched as Joohyun scooped the pasta into her plate. Maybe it was not a bad decision to come out after all. Joohyun’s dish looked unbelievably delicious and Seungwan was having a hard time not to drool over it.

No wonder Joohyun works as the cook at that café in town.

“Eat up.” Joohyun motioned her to dig in. Seungwan just looked at her sheepishly.

They never sit on the dining table to eat together like this since Seungwan decided to accept Joohyun’s offer to stay with her.

Joohyun lives alone; not alone if God didn’t decide to take away her younger sister on that unfortunate day.

Joohyun lost her sister.

Seungwan lost her girlfriend.

Seungwan used to visit this small but cozy apartment frequently when she decided to get serious with Suji, particularly a few months after they enrolled into the university. Suji was her long time crush since her high school years despite them attending different schools. Both Seungwan and Suji was the regular representative for their respective school in lots of talent show.

Seungwan was terrified when she first discovered that she might have the hots for Suji, a girl the same age as her, a girl just like her. It was not until a few weeks later that she finally told her best friend, Kang Seulgi, about her closeted problem. ‘Just tell her,’ was Seulgi’s reply that Seungwan smacked her head with her racquet.

It was like killing two birds with a stone when she managed to enter her dream college, together with her dream girl. Not that her best friend was any less important.

The Son girl was internally hyperventilating on her first day as soon as she saw Suji walking by, 50 metres away from her. She almost chokes on her hamburger but managed to maintain a poker face.

Being the perfect best friend she was, Seulgi managed to create a bridge for the two. She found out about the café where Suji worked as a part-timer during her leisure time.

Days of trying to gain some courage, Seungwan finally got her feet to step into the premise. Seungwan was supposed to leave a good first impression in front of Suji, but she’s no ordinary prince (or in this case princess) charming.

It was her first time visiting that café and Seungwan didn’t have to do much to make herself more obvious. Suji coincidentally was on her shift, sweeping the floor as there was not much customers presented that day. She heard as Seungwan was stuttering to pick her order that she gave her suggestion spontaneously.

‘You should try our iced caramel macchiato.’ And it had turned into Seungwan’s favourite drinks since that.

Grabbing her drinks off the counter, she headed for the exit. She was all (nervously) smiling towards Suji that she didn’t realize someone coming from the outside. Suji’s ‘watch out!’ was the last thing she heard before her chest turned cold by the spill of her iced drinks.

She thought she had just screwed her image but there was nothing else that she was thankful of when Suji approached her with a napkin in her hand, small smile tugging at her lips.

Suji offered her a new cup of drink in which Seungwan shyly (but gladly) said yes to and their love story begun.

They turned into an item a few weeks after that meeting. Seungwan was shining bright again, the trait that she lost right after her beloved mother’s death a few years back.

Seungwan’s father was a bit sceptical when she informed him about the news, worried about her daughter’s girlfriend background; parentless and lives with her one and only sister. And to top that, her daughter introduced a girlfriend instead of a charming and good looking boyfriend to him. What does she have to be offered to Seungwan?

But Seungwan’s gradual changes in her behaviour and attitude since meeting Suji melted her father’s heart. He never sees Seungwan glowing like that since his wife left them. He finally nodded in approval.

Suji forced Seungwan to come home with her, to meet her older sister whom she loved dearly. Seungwan was introduced to Bae Joohyun, three year older than both Suji and Seungwan.

‘Were all the Baes always this pretty?’ was what she thought when she looked back and forth between the two sisters.

Everything was rainbows and unicorns for Seungwan and Suji since then.

But then it happened.

It took one random drunk man to take Suji away from her, from this world. For good.

Seungwan fell onto her knees. Seungwan fell into the darkness.

She decided to follow her father back to Toronto, her hometown, a few days after Suji’s burial. She didn’t think she could survive with memories of Suji fleeting around her. She said goodbye to Korea.

Months of mourning passed by that Seungwan could hardly remember when it happened exactly. No one really talks about it anymore; maybe it was better to keep it that way.

But the pain never really lessens; only the numbness grows.

Seungwan got back up on her feet and call the university to continue with her long abandoned studies. They said yes and she packed her luggage with heavy heart.

It was hard for her to find a room or dorm to crash soon as she landed in Korea, Seulgi herself had a very hard time to find her current dorm that she share with two girls named Sooyoung and Soojung. Seungwan stayed there for a few days and she already had a very hard time to breathe.

Sooyoung was too playful, Soojung was too cold and scary; while Seulgi was being her dumbself like usual.

Fate decided to play a game on her when she accidentally met with the older Bae at the heart of the town.

‘It is not that far from your campus, so you don’t have to waste your time to find another room,’ Joohyun said as she fidgeted with the hem of her oversized shirt. ‘I’m just offering, no pressure,’ she still remembers Joohyun’s soft smile that had a slight resemblance with Suji.

Even though she knew that it probably was going to deepen her wound, she still did it and brought her luggage all the way to the third floor, softly knocking on the door numbered 329 before being greeted by this baby-faced girl.

No denying it, Seungwan still could feel Suji’s presence around the apartment. Not spiritually, but through memories. How did Joohyun survived through it?

“How is it?” Joohyun’s voice pulled her back into the current situation she was in.

Seungwan was at lost for a moment before she realized that Joohyun was asking about the pasta. Her pasta.

“Ah, it is good.” Seungwan smiled lightly.

“Good? I guess I’m not great enough then.” Joohyun pursed her lips. Seungwan went panic; she just answered it wrongly wasn’t she?

“I— I mean— of course it is great.” She fumbled on her words.

Out of nowhere, Joohyun chuckled and Seungwan stared at her in confusion.

“I was just kidding, Seungwan-ah.” Joohyun laughed, eyes rolling back.

Seungwan immediately heaved a sigh of relief. Had it been another person pulling the same joke on her, she would probably flip the dining table over. But it was Joohyun; there was no way she was going to react like that.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Joohyun breaks it again.

“How’s school?” She sounded almost too careful and Seungwan didn’t like it; didn’t like the feeling that she’s equivalent to a raging volcano in Joohyun’s eyes.

Seungwan munched on her pasta a little bit slower while trying to come out with a decent answer.

“It still hasn’t killed me. So I guess I’m doing fine?” Seungwan replied and Joohyun went on chuckling again. Was she that funny?

“How can you say that with a straight face?” Okay, maybe it was funny judging from the way Joohyun threw her head back.

Seungwan didn’t know why but watching and hearing Joohyun laughing like this ignited some warmness in the pit of her dull stomach. Maybe she has been isolating herself in the coldness for too long.

Almost a year and a half of coldness.

 

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Seungwan tossed her petite body for the umpteenth times that night, yet she couldn’t get her eyes to rest. She sighed as she gazed at the unattractive white ceiling. Unwelcomed thoughts began to intrude her mind and Seungwan forced them to the back of her mind, eyes shutting tightly.

She thought of going out for beers, but Seulgi’s warning on reporting it to her father and Joohyun’s ‘don’t get into trouble again’ made her dropped the intention.

As soon after that, she peeled the blanket off her figure and stood up. Head spinning.

She thought that some warm milk might do the trick.

Seungwan grabbed a glass of warm milk and settled by the kitchen island, face blank. Her family and friends had suggested her to go and get some advice from the psychology experts as Suji’s lost seemed to have totally taken a toll on her.

‘No, I’m fine,’ and she was stubborn enough to not comply.

Days turned into months, and year came to replace them; Seungwan looked better, but never living her life anymore.

She chuckled bitterly as she rinsed the glass on the sink. Now the idea of a glass of warm milk would put her to sleep probably has turned irrelevant.

Seungwan was about to turn the doorknob of her bedroom when she saw lights coming from another bedroom across hers. Last time she checked, it was already 3:20 AM in the morning. What’s with the lights still on?

She looked around, a few options running through her mind.

So, she withdrew her hand and started to march towards the bedroom carefully. As she was approaching the slightly ajar bedroom door, she heard low sobs and sniffles. Unknowingly, her heart began to beat a tad faster.

She knew it wasn’t a nice thing to do, to peek at someone’s bedroom at three in the morning, but this was considered as an exception wasn’t it?

Seungwan saw a tiny figure sitting by the edge of the bed with her back facing the door. Her body trembled from what Seungwan assumed as… crying?

Wait, was Joohyun crying?

She never sees the older girl shed any sort of tears before. Even when she was dressed in all black, when Suji had just left her for good, when she was standing by Suji’s grave and watched as they bury Suji’s body deep in the ground, her expression was calm and collected.

Seungwan’s mind began to cloud with thoughts, what happened to Joohyun for her to cry like this?

Seungwan contemplated on whether to knock on the door and ask or just simply leave Joohyun be. She never feels as worried for the longest time. There was no way she’s going to fall asleep right after she saw Joohyun in this kind of state.

Screw mannerism.

Seungwan pushed the door slowly and her heart shattered at the sobbing sound Joohyun was making.

“Joohyun unnie?” Her voice croaked.

Maybe she was startled that Joohyun turned panic and wiped her face with the hem of her shirt hastily. It took her awhile to turn around, hair covering most of her facial features.

“Seu— Seungwan?” Joohyun’s voice was a vivid proof of her fresh fallen tears, but Seungwan couldn’t deny that the girl was a good actress because of her semi chirpy voice. “Do you need anything?”

“I— um,” Seungwan began but how was she going to ask without looking like a person with lack of manners. “May I?” She gestured, asking for a permission to enter Joohyun’s private space.

Joohyun looked hesitant, but she granted it with a nod anyway.

Seungwan took a few slow steps inching towards Joohyun, eyes scanning around. She never really have been in there. Joohyun’s bedroom was simple, her bed sheet was purple in colour (Suji always went around and complained about it), her curtain was also in the same colour but a few shades lighter and the same went to the floor mat.

Basically, her room screamed ‘I love purple I would live and die in it’ kind of room.

Joohyun shifted a bit, making a space for Seungwan to sit. She shook her head in instance, but Joohyun insisted by patting the space in which Seungwan complied at the end.

“What’s wrong?” Joohyun looked like she has already recovered from her previous break down, now that was a skill. Seungwan wondered how.

“Um, I— well, why aren’t you sleeping yet? It’s almost four in the morning.” Seungwan wiped her clammy palms on her pants, why was she feeling nervous so suddenly?

Joohyun let out a soft chuckle, a habit of hers whenever she had funny thoughts in her mind.

“I can ask the same about you. Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” Joohyun took the upper hand out of nowhere.

“Well, I…” Seungwan was flustered but she maintained her compose. “I can’t fall asleep. I had some milk just now. I kinda saw your bedroom’s lights, so yeah.” She finished with a nod.

“Oh.” Joohyun pursed her lips.

Seungwan stole a few glances towards the latter, face expecting.

“What?” Joohyun raised a brow.

“You got some explanation to do, no?” Seungwan voice was low but demanding.

“Ah, um—” It was Joohyun’s turn to fluster, racking her brain for a decent reason but to no avail. “I— um…”

“You were crying before, weren’t you?” Seungwan would have slapped for asking that, but it was already too late.

Joohyun’s face fell, there was a sudden solemnness engulfing the room.

“Sorry.” She muttered loud enough for Joohyun to hear. Seungwan looked away as guilt formed within her.

“No, it’s okay.” Joohyun said.

It was all silence after that, Seungwan fidgeted in her seat; mentally face-palming herself for being rude like that.

“Unnie,” She braced herself to break the suffocating silence, eyes glued to the floor. “I may be nobody to you, but you can always talk to me if you need to. I mean… even though I may not be any better.” Seungwan felt ashamed for saying that, even she herself was having difficult times to sort her own self and problems.

There was no response coming from Joohyun, Seungwan was afraid that she really had just crossed the borderline. She turned around just in time to catch the glimpse of a fresh tear trickling down Joohyun’s pale cheek. Panic took over her sense.

“Un— unnie?” Seungwan intended to say something but every word formed on her mind seemed wrong. “I’m sorry, I’m— really really sorry. I didn’t mean to. I— I—” She bowed, thoughts were hay wired.

“Stop.” Joohyun finally said something, her voice was soft but there’s a hint of strict. “It’s not your fault, Seungwan.” Okay, it wasn’t her doing but worries didn’t leave her at all.

Joohyun cried even more and Seungwan’s mouth was already clamped by then.

Seungwan wasn’t sure what kind of spirit that took over her, but she timidly took Joohyun into her arms and the latter just buried her face on Seungwan’s chest. Her shirt was damped but Seungwan couldn’t care less.

“Shh, I’m here. What’s wrong, unnie?” She hushed.

Somehow, the intimate position they were in at the moment generated electricity all over Seungwan. She never initiates any sort of skinship with the older girl and the thought of holding Joohyun like this was a bit bothering.

But Joohyun looked so vulnerable and Seungwan wanted nothing else but to protect and hold Joohyun. Was it wrong for her to know what was going on in Joohyun’s mind? For her to know what has triggered her tears like this?

“I miss her.” Joohyun said as her sobs has turned into hiccups.

It took Seungwan awhile to define ‘her’ but the minute her eyes landed on a piece of photograph hidden underneath Joohyun’s purple blanket, she knew immediately who it was.

Bae Suji.

It was the very first time for her to see Joohyun crying after Suji’s sudden death, the very first time for her to see Joohyun in such a weak state; a state where even a gist of cold night air may break her.

The thought scared her and she held Joohyun tighter, her cheek touched Joohyun’s strawberry-scented hair.

Suddenly, she felt so selfish. All this while, she has been viewing the world through her narrow point of view. To the extent that she missed to realize that there was someone else hurting just as much as her, or maybe even more.

“Seungwan, I miss her.” Joohyun repeated it like a mantra and Seungwan’s heart breaks even more.

Was it possible for a broken heart to break all over again?

“I’m here. I promise I will stay right here with you.”

She felt as Joohyun nodded against her chest. Joohyun’s hands were on her shirt, holding onto it like it was her final life support. Seungwan heard as Joohyun mumbled a low ‘thank you’, was it ridiculous of her to say that she felt it reaching her heart first before her ears?

Joohyun’s break down really got to her, it hit her like a sword she didn’t see coming. But instead of pulling her down, it opened her eyes for a new purpose of life, it created a new vow in her so called empty life.

She vowed to protect Joohyun from the cruelness that was world.

 

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“Wait up!” Her feet came to a halt at the voice. She turned around just in time to catch the sight of a running Seulgi. The girl panted lightly as she stopped in front of a bemused Seungwan. “Where are- you- going?”

“Meeting.” Seungwan answered shortly to which Seulgi nodded with her tongue stucked out like a puppy. She waited a bit for any other queries from the dipped haired girl.

“Is there anything that I need to know?” There she goes again, making Seungwan lost with her sudden attack of irrelevant questions.

“What?” Her eyebrows moved upwards.

Seulgi looked around them, as if she was about to tell Seungwan the biggest secret she currently holding onto.

“You’re smiling.” Seulgi whispered into her right ear and Seungwan stared at her like she has just grown another head.

“What is wrong with that?” Seungwan scrunched her eyes and attempted to dismiss Seulgi. Seulgi jogged beside her but Seungwan paid no attention to the latter.

“I never see you smile like that.” Seulgi stated briefly.

She told no lies about that, Seungwan had been behaving so grumpy since she welcomed her again at the Incheon airport.

“Liar.” Seungwan unlocked her locker before stuffing her school stationeries in there.

“At least since you know...” Her hand stopped amidst air.

“I’m going to be late for the meeting. Goodbye for now, Seul.” Seungwan half slammed the locker door before walking passed through a startled Seulgi.

Seungwan really was smiling sincerely this morning, wasn’t it?

 

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Seungwan woke up groggily to her blazing alarm. Her hair was all over the place, covering the pillow almost entirely. Her eyes bore to the date displayed on the Corning Gorilla Glass of her white iPhone 5s.

She wasted no time in getting ready for the day.

For the special day.

 

---

 

The brunette was sitting by the door, trying to tie up her shoe laces, when she felt a tap on her right shoulder. Her back hit the shoe rack out of her shock. This girl sure knows how to make her blood pressure rise up every time.

“I’m sorry.” That was expected. “Where are you going?” She asked as she plopped just beside Seungwan.

“It is October 10^th, so…” Seungwan trailed out, unsure on how to finish the sentence.

She forced a lump down , she didn’t even know since when it was there.

“Do you want to go together?” Seungwan turned her head towards the girl seated besides her, only to find a pair of glistening eyes staring back at her.

Seungwan nodded slowly and Joohyun carved a small smile.

 

---

 

Seungwan watched as Joohyun retrieved strands of offending grass from the tombstone. Her hands moved gently, eyes boring on the name carved there.

 

배수지
Bae Su Ji

월십월 10^TH, 1993
October 10^TH, 1993

-

월사월 21^ST, 2013
April 21^ST, 2013

 

She remembered when she first saw the stone; it sent flying daggers to her existence. Her hands were trembling like crazy and she felt like screaming Suji’s name, begging for her not to leave just yet. It took her every will to keep her sanity in check although she was quite sure she had already lost it along the ride to the hospital that day.

It has been a year and a half, and she still found it hard to face the reality that Suji would never come back. Suji would never appear in front of her again, Suji would never smile at her again, Suji would never say endless ‘I love you’ at her again and Suji would never be hers again.

Seungwan brought her eyes to gaze at the skies, they were mild blue today. That action managed to stop her tears from falling to the ground, she knew it was going to hurt Suji if she ever cries in front of her like that.

“It is your supposed 21^st birthday, darling.” Seungwan heard Joohyun’s gentle voice in the desolated graveyard. “Happy birthday, beautiful.” Only God knows how much her heart was hurting.

This time was not caused by Suji’s absence, but particularly due to Joohyun’s broken voice.

It was cruel for haven to claim Suji back when she had a bright future ahead of her. It was even crueller to take her away when Joohyun had no one but her younger sister to lean on.

Both of Joohyun and Suji were orphans since they were 13 and 10 year old respectively. They lost their parents in a car accident, leaving Suji to Joohyun to take care of. Their relatives were not that close to their family and never pay any mind to them. It caused them to be sent to an orphanage at the skirt of the city.

They were considered lucky enough because their father left quite a good amount of wealth for them to use. Joohyun was given the choice to leave when she turned 18 and she said yes, not forgetting to bring Suji along. She never trusts anyone else to watch after Suji, including Seungwan, on her early days knowing her.

Despite having the cash in the bank, Joohyun still worked hard to graduate in her forte course, culinary. She did it and landed herself a job in the café she currently working with. Joohyun provided for Suji, sent her to her desired college and tried her best to do everything she could to see Suji smile.

Joohyun got no other wishes but to see Suji follow her footsteps, doing whatever she loves to do. It was not too much to say that Suji was on the right track to reach just that.

But haven denied the possibility to that dream of Joohyun. Such a plot twist.

“Whatever you are doing right now, I hope haven gives you happiness.” Joohyun ended her speech and Seungwan felt bad for not paying much attention to it. She was too distracted in her thoughts about the possible burdens Joohyun were carrying on her shoulders now.

Joohyun let her thumb to caress the name on the cold tombstone. Seungwan imagined it to appear as a stack of knives, while Joohyun just carelessly hurt her finger with them.

Joohyun didn’t even care that she was bleeding.

But Seungwan knew that she herself cares.

“I’ll leave you guys alone.” Joohyun stood up while smoothing the fabric of her blouse. “I’ll be waiting on the bench there.” She pointed out behind Seungwan, face smiling bitterly. “Goodbye for now, sweetheart.” She bid to Suji.

Seungwan just nodded and waited as Joohyun made her way passed her. She could sniffed Joohyun’s mild perfume lingering in the air around her.

She began to crouch next to the grave, her eyes felt warm but she forced herself not to break down.

“Hi, love.” It was her first time visiting since Suji’s burial. She had just found the strength to head here. “I miss you.” Seungwan said as tears began their journey down her face, she shut her eyes to recompose. “I never stop missing you. I don’t think it will stop anytime soon.

Life has been so tough since you left, I thought I was going to follow you suit right after that. I wish we have more time, I have a very long to-do-list of things I wanna do with you. You’re so bad you know, to leave me hanging like this.” Seungwan chuckled bitterly.

“I don’t know if you know this, I was going to quit studies when you left. Of course you already knew about that, right? I guess I just have too much time in hand that I decided to continue and pursue music. It is tough for the second year, I imagine you whining all the time about your course; funny that it used to bug me but now I’m missing it. Seulgi is there to whine and all but she is not as cute as you. Plus she is a semester and a half ahead of me.

By the way, I live with Joohyun unnie now. You must be shock about that right? Joohyun unnie was so nice to offer me to stay with her. And I was crazy enough to say yes to her. It was so hard for me at first, babe. It literally was your place, I could almost catch your scent.”

Seungwan batted her lids to get rid of the remaining tears; lips tugged forming a sad smile.

“Before I forgot, well typical me, happy birthday love. There is nothing else that I wish for but for you to be happy there, to stay beautiful and maybe even gorgeous as you had always been.” Seungwan laughed dryly.

“I know you always looked after me from haven, you miss me too right? Hush for now, I’m sure somehow we will meet each other again. I love you. I will always love you.” She choked on another round of tears.

“I don’t think there would be anyone that can replace you in my life. Well, at least for now. I don’t wanna replace you.” Seungwan coughed into her palms. “I talked too much, my throat is dry now.” She cleared .

“Do you need me to do anything for you? Or is there anything you want to say?” Seungwan thought she was silly to direct such question to Suji, but she was clinging on the faintest hope that somehow Suji was going to respond to her.

She misses the girl so bad.

The breezy wind came to where she was crouching and it had her turned her head around, trying to dodge the dust from entering her eyes. When she opened her eyes, she saw the lone girl sitting by the bench across where she was at the moment.

Joohyun had been keeping her attention lately, even to the smallest things she did. Seungwan wondered why.

Seungwan mindlessly stared at Joohyun’s back figure for a good five minutes before she snapped back to reality.

“I guess I’ll get going now, Joohyun unnie has been waiting.” She got up on her feet and fixed her sweater.

“I’ll come by again later, don’t worry.”

Seungwan gave one last look before she started to march towards Joohyun.

“Goodbye, baby.”

 

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Seungwan was breathless because Seulgi had just literally dragged her all across the school’s field and made her sit on the upmost standee first thing in the morning.

“What are you doing, Kang Seulgi?!” She shouted followed by a coughing fit.

“I don’t think I can keep this a secret anymore.” Seulgi wandered back and forth in front of her.

“Now, stop trying to make me dizzy. Can you please sit down first?” Seungwan massaged her temples.

“Seungwan, I’m doomed.” Seulgi buried her face into her palms and Seungwan was taken aback.

“You don’t come to see me first thing in the morning just to see you crying like this.” She nudged the girl. “And what kind of doom are you talking about?”

“It’s her.” Seulgi strained her neck.

“Her who?” Seungwan was utterly confused.

“I thought it was you alone, but now I guess best friends really go together.” Seungwan scrunched her face.

“I already lost you at the ‘I can’t keep this a secret anymore’.” Seungwan looked away, her head was really spinning right now.

“I like her. Well, I think so.” Seulgi confessed out of nowhere.

It took Seungwan a few seconds to get it to her brain.

“Wait, did you just say ‘her’?” One of her eyebrows went up.

Seulgi just nodded timidly.

“Who is this girl? How come I never know about her?” She fired questions at Seulgi.

“Aren’t you surprise that I am gay first thing instead?” Seungwan just shook her head. “What? But why?” Her eyes widen for she thought that Seungwan would laugh at her revelation.

“I can’t picture you swing in the right way.” Seungwan said, shrugging. Seulgi was jaw-dropped at her answer. “Now, tell me about this ‘her’.”

Seulgi just stared at her sneakers.

“Come on, don’t be shy.” Seungwan shoved her playfully.

“It’s… you know… one of my dorm mates.” Seulgi looked at everything but Seungwan.

Seungwan snickered.

“Why don’t you tell me earlier?” She let her elbows to rest on her thighs.

“Because… I don’t think it was necessary. I don’t wanna add the mess to your life. You already had too much in hand.”

Seulgi’s answer triggered an unexplained guilt in her. She didn’t want to admit it; but she had always been so busy attending to her own wound. Seungwan pay no attention to others anymore.

But she didn’t want that Seungwan to dominate her again. She has a strong will to redeem her selfishness. Seungwan wasn’t sure since when or how she gained this sort of resolution.

She had speculated it was since she held Joohyun in her arms that night.

Was it? But why?

The flashback of that piece of memories sent a shiver down her spine.

“Now, now, tell me everything about it buddy. I wanna know every single thing about this— wait, which one of them? Is it that chic Jung girl?”

Seulgi shook her head.

“No, it’s Sooyoung.” Seulgi mumbled the name in a low tone and Seungwan thought it was rare for her best friend to act like that.

“You know what? You are so doomed.”

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Seungwan’s eyes began to tear up because of her staring at the laptop screen for too long. She scrunched her eyes in hopes it would subside but to no avail. She put her head on the study desk with a soft thud; a dejected sigh escaped her lips.

She heard as someone push opened her bedroom door and followed by the smells of homemade cookies.

“Wan-ah~” The newcomer addressed her.

Wan-ah? Seriously?

Seungwan lazily turned her head towards the door and was instantly greeted by a pair of puppy eyes. She thought her heart has already stopped beating by then.

“Seungwan?” A snap of fingers in front of her brought her back to reality. “Are you okay?” Oh no, those puppy eyes again.

“Yes?” Seungwan immediately straightened her back, rubbing her sore neck.

“Why were you staring at me like that?” Joohyun made a face.

“I am? No, I was not.” Seungwan scoffed. “You are so full of yourself, unnie.” She pretended to shift her focus back on the screen.

“Yes, you were.” She heard Joohyun mumbled.

“I’m sorry?” Seungwan asked, eyes still glued to her laptop.

“Nothing. Is that your assignment?” Joohyun tried to peek on the screen.

“Yeah.” Seungwan answered weakly.

“How is it going?” Joohyun asked with concern.

“I can slowly feel it starting to kill me, unnie.” That had Joohyun chuckling. “What?”

“I remember you said school hasn’t killed you yet, but now it took a turn.”

Joohyun did remember what she said.

While Seungwan’s fingers were busily dancing on the keyboard, Joohyun let her gaze to fell on every inch of the bedroom.

It used to be Suji’s. There were nothing much changes made by Seungwan since she moved in here. Maybe she wanted to keep the memories of Suji, maybe she just didn’t have enough time to decorate it or maybe she was just too lazy.

But part of Joohyun had hoped Seungwan would change the bedroom to look different from the way it was before.

It was still a pain in her chest to enter this room without having her thought fleeting back to her younger sister.

Was it the reason to that hope of hers?

Or was it because she just didn’t like the idea of Seungwan still holding onto Suji?

Okay, now she’s getting ridiculous. Better to wipe it off her brain.

“Do you need anything, unnie?” Seungwan finally spun on her chair to face Joohyun. Joohyun was startled a bit.

“Um, uh, I bake some cookies.” Joohyun brushed her long fringes away and Seungwan was unconsciously gulping on her saliva.

“Well, that explains the strong smells.” Seungwan pursed her lips, nodding. “Oh, before I forgot, Seulgi will be coming by later. She needs to drop something for me. You okay with that?”

“Ah, of course. I haven’t met her since forever. On second thought, it will be a lot better for us to have some guests here.”

“Are you trying to say that you are bored with me?” Seungwan accused.

“What? No!” Joohyun half-shouted, crossing her arms across her chest.

Somehow, Seungwan found it to be adorable.

What the are you thinking, Son Seungwan?

“Alright, alright, I was just kidding.” Seungwan flailed her arms in the air. “You are being too dramatic there.”

“But you accused me for something I didn’t do.” Joohyun exclaimed.

“What? Are you like five?” Seungwan said nonchalantly.

“Yah!” Joohyun began to attack her left arm.

“Whoa! Whoa!” Seungwan tried to dodge Joohyun’s bony hands but to no avail.

She got up from her chair, attempting to run away but she got tripped instead; sending both her and Joohyun to crash on the soft mattress. The latter fact pretty much relieved her, but not the former.

Seungwan found herself staring at a pair of eyes that looked like they were going to pop out anytime soon. It took her a few seconds to recover and pushed herself off Joohyun. She ran her fingers through her locks, somehow awkwardness lingered in the atmosphere.

She needed to even out her breathing, it was too harsh right now. What happened actually? It was not like they just finished over a make out session.

Okay, that’s enough Son Seungwan.

“Do you want some cookies?” Joohyun blurted out from behind her.

“That will be a good idea.”

And the next thing she saw was an adorable Joohyun sprinting off her bedroom.

Seungwan just sat there, mouth agape.

 

TBC.

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