First came the smell of burning asphalt. He would choke on the scent as he prepared mentally for the pain that came next, a searing pain that left him breathless and in tears. It was a pain that would just grow and grow until it became a roar in his head. But that quickly turned into screams - screams and shouts and whispers because he wasn't alone. There was someone else with him, someone also in pain and Minseok wanted to reach his hand out and-

Morning. Minseok was awake and his hand was outstretched towards the ceiling. As if it would have helped any. He dropped his hand to his face and was surprised to find his cheeks wet. It had been a while since the recurring dream had left him in tears. He shook off the haunting ache that came with the dream and proceeded to get up from bed.

He had no time to linger on the pain anymore ... the memory. He was no longer alone. The doctors had made sure to staple that thought into his head after the accident. You're with child.

No time to dwell on the past. Minseok had too much to do to prepare for the  future. A place for the baby to stay, what foods to stay away from thanks to nausea, and what foods were good to eat during pregnancies.

There wasn't much Minseok had to go on for the last one. Male pregnancies were few and far between. The doctors were reluctant to release him but Minseok fought till the end to be discharged. He couldn't stand it; he needed his freedom, The monochrome walls, the sharp smell of sickness and bleach. He couldn't stand another second of it. So he left the first chance he got and had been living in his tiny, but tidy apartment since - alone.

No, not alone , Minseok thought, a hand rubbing absently at his growing belly. He stood up straighter at the thought and proceeded with his morning routine.

Take a shower. Prepare breakfast. Put on uniform for work. Eat breakfast. Brush teeth. Out the door (don't forget the locks again) and off to the bookstore down the street to work.

He worked there alongside his best friend, Joonmyun. Together, they ran a quaint bookstore filled with curious books that didn't always make it to the best seller's list but contained a charm all their own. Or at least, that's what they put in their advertising. They didn't get many customers yet they both insist on working all day - the aroma of fantasy and riveting, untold tales enchanting them in the quiet hours.

The bell above the door rang loudly causing Minseok to flinch as he opened the door. Inside, Joonmyun was already at work, taking inventory of their new shipment of books - ones Minseok couldn't wait to crack open and read in the warm atmosphere as they sat and waited for customers to pop in. It paid being your own boss.

"Good morning, Myun."

"Good morning, Minseok! And you too fetus," Joonmyun beamed always bright as he patted Minseok's head and protruding stomach. Minseok grunted and quickly slapped Joonmyun's hand away. Joonmyun only laughed knowing his friend didn't mean any harm.

"So how did the doctor's appointment go?" Joonmyun asked gently once they had settled down, books open on their laps. Minseok stiffened unconsciously at the question. It wasn't that the doctors had told him any new bad news per se. Only the usual warnings that the pregnancy would cause strains on his body because he was male. A pregnant male.

"The same thing as before," Minseok replied stiffly. He saw Joonmyun worrying his bottom lip from the corner of his eyes and knew what his best friend was going to say before he opened his mouth.

"No, I'm not going to move in with you and Chanyeol. I already told you once I refuse to be a burden."

"Minseok, you know you wouldn't be a burden. And Chanyeol would understand. He's very understanding and-"

"No!" Minseok cut him off.

Joonmyun placed his hand tenderly on top of Minseok's folded hands.

"I just want to know you're safe. At least let me go to the doctor appointments with you. You're not alone, Seokkie." I know. Minseok felt a burning at the back of his eyes and slowly blinked until he willed the tears away. Stupid hormones.

Before Minseok could reply, however, a loud clang resonated throughout the bookstore causing them to jump. Loud, booming laughter quickly followed and Junmyeon's face instantly began to glow. He could recognize that laugh anywhere.

Chanyeol entered in all his lanky glory, tall limbs waving around enthusiastically as he narrated some story to a slightly smaller man beside him. The stranger was tall too, though not as tall as Chanyeol. His bronzed skin stood out against his white button up and his chocolate eyes were warm with mirth as he listened to Chanyeol's tale.

With both men too engrossed in the story, Joonmyun and Minseok were free to admire them without worry of getting caught. Or at least, that's what Minseok thought.

A loud cough had Minseok jumping and whirling around to see who was the culprit. A smirking Joonmyun met his eyes. Of course it's Joonmyun, who else could it be? Minseok groaned before stubbornly turning back to his book. At that moment, Chanyeol decided to let out another bark of loud laughter, causing Minseok to jump in his seat again.

"How cute," a deep, mellow voice reached his ears - followed by a soft chuckle. Minseok looked up only to see the stranger's beautiful smile directed at him.

Don't blush don't blush don't blush don't blush.

Too late he could already feel Joonmyun smirking as he asked, "Who's your new friend, Yeollie?"

"Right, how could I forget?" Chanyeol leaned forward and planted a wet kiss on Joonmyun's nose, completely wiping off his smirk and replacing it with blushing cheeks, much to Minseok's delight.

"Th-that's not what I meant," Joonmyun insisted and Chanyeol only responded with a goofy grin and another wet kiss. On his cheek, this time. They continued on like this for a few minutes, Joonmyun's protests getting weaker and weaker each time.

"I'm assuming they do this often since you don't seem to be too bothered," the stranger shyly commented, his awkward stance and timid smile doing things to Minseok.

"Sadly, yes. They're an old married couple who like to pretend they're newlyweds," Minseok uttered in a deadpan tone. The stranger burst into high pitched laughter, startling Minseok with how different it was to his husky speaking voice. The stranger seemed to have noticed, quieting himself and shrinking shyly back into his shell. Minseok almost cooed out loud at the endearing image.

"What's your name?" Minseok blurted out.

"Jongin. I'm Jongin. And you are?" Jongin replied quietly - still too self-conscious from his fit of laughter to look Minseok in the eye.

"Minseok." He shoved his hand into Jongin's line of vision, wanting to end their awkward introduction with a handshake.

And, really, Minseok thinks he shouldn't have enjoyed how firm and comforting it felt to have Jongin's hand wrap around his, or how soft and precious he looked with that shy smile gracing his handsome features.

Stupid hormones making him feel things.

After a while, Chanyeol finally stopped fooling around with Joonmyun only to announce his and Jongin's departure. 

"Jongin has a report for the magazine he needs to finish and I should really get back to work." Joonmyun and Minseok both hid their disappointment at the news and walked them back towards the entrance. Before the two men walked through the door, however, Joonmyun stopped them.

"Chanyeol, before I forget, I'm going to go with Minseok to one of his appointments so you'll have to get your own dinner that day. Ok?" At Joonmyun's words, Jongin gazed at Minseok inquisitively. Minseok's protest was at the tip of his tongue but Chanyeol's booming voice defeated his.

"Of course, babe. I know how much you worry over Minseok." Turning to Minseok, he said, "I'm sure Joonmyun has already told you but you're always welcome to stay with us. We just wanna keep you and the little guy close."

Minseok hissed. He appreciated the concern, he really did, but they were practically married. Minseok didn’t want to intrude on that kind of privacy. It wasn’t his place and only begs for awkward moments.

"I'll be fine. And Joonmyun will see that for himself when he goes to the doctor with me. I'm fine." Minseok's hand unconsciously started rubbing his stomach where a slight bump was starting to become visible. Realization lit Jongin's features.

"If you really need a place to stay while you're ..." Jongin trailed off, too shy to continue. Oh great. He's nice too. Minseok began to protest - they had just met, after all - but this time it was Joonmyun who cut him off.

"Didn’t you say you were looking for a roommate to help with the bills, Jongin?" Joonmyun had such a bright, hopeful expression. How could anyone say no to that? Minseok may have had years of practice resisting Joonmyun but Jongin looked caught off guard and looked back to the ground.

"Y-yeah. I just moved into the apartment next to yours. That's why Chanyeol was showing me around. A-and he'll be right there if anything were to happen so ..." Jongin fidgeted, unable to continue. Minseok felt a hand tenderly hold his. He turned around to see Joonmyun giving him his best pleading face.

“This is ridiculous, Myun, really. I can take care of myself-”

"Please, Minseok. I just want to know you're ok, and that you’re not alone in that apartment of yours. At least this way we’re just next door if you need anything," Joonmyun implored.

“Myun...I mean, I could help with the bills, but ... really?”

"So, is that a yes?" Jongin asked quietly.

"Yeah, I think so. Sorry for dumping all of this on you," Chanyeol responded, throwing in his best apologetic face.

"It's ok. We've been friends for years. So your friends are my friends too and I'll help any way I can."

Minseok sighed in defeat. No one could really put a stop to Joonmyun when all he wanted was to look after you. 

»»

It was strange. The apartment was still bare, the empty expanse of the washed out living room walls only interrupted by the boxes filled with Minseok's belongings. The floors were clean, not a scratch that Minseok could see. The small kitchen was in a similar spartan state with all the bare necessities hidden away in cabinets.

It was strange that this was his new home now. His new home without any memories of him pushing Minseok against the walls, knocking down frames filled with their happy faces. Memories of cuddling on the couch with the television playing softly in the background. Promises of building their future together; but they were just that ... memories. Broken promises that Minseok needed to forget.

The sound of boxes being shifted brought Minseok out of his reverie. He quickly moved forward to help Jongin sort the boxes out.

"We'll just unpack the important stuff today and I'll help you unpack the rest tomorrow. Is that ok?" Jongin suggested. Minseok nodded his head, a little mortified that he was still fighting the ridiculous urge to blush around Jongin. Jongin flashed him a smile - and what a pretty smile - as he lifted boxes and brought them into the spare bedroom that was now Minseok's room.

It was late by the time they both finished unpacking, and they made do with a take out dinner - after which, they awkwardly bid each other goodnight.

Except, nighttime was the time when Minseok's demons reared their ugly heads.

The smell always came first. Burning, stinging, choking. Minseok was used to this part. Then, came the pain. This always took some time to get used to. The pain would stab at his sides and spread and consume him. It would bite away at every nerve ending until he was numb. Last was always the voice. His voice full of pain, shouting at Minseok to help him please and he wanted to so desperately, always stretching, thinking this time, I'll reach him in time. This time-

Minseok woke with a start. His hand was outstretched, like it usually was after one of his nightmares, except, this time, he wasn't grabbing at air. Instead, a large, warm hand was holding his tenderly. Minseok followed the arms back to the body only to find himself face to face with Jongin.

"I, um, I heard you crying and just wanted to ... check ... you were shaking ... I'm sorry ... are-are you ok?" Jongin's voice was hushed as if afraid to further agitate Minseok.

I'm ok. I'm fine, I'm ok, Minseok thought but for some reason the words refused to come out. Only a whimper slipped past his lips. Jongin's expression softened at the sound. Instead of asking questions, he slipped into the bed beside Minseok, staying on top of the covers. Minseok was too grateful at the lack of inquiry to question why it didn't bother him that Jongin still hadn't let his hand go. Plus the minty, fresh smell radiating off of Jongin brought Minseok comfort and, slowly, he found himself falling back to sleep, Jongin's look of concern painted at the back of his eyelids. 

»»

It continued on like this. Jongin would wake up and run to Minseok's room at the sound of his broken whimpers and gasps, and Minseok would cling to Jongin till he woke up from his nightmare. Maybe it was the new setting, with no comfort from past memories, that caused the nightmares to be neverending. Maybe Luhan didn't want to be forgotten.

Or maybe Minseok just wasn't ready to let go.

»»

The thing about male pregnancies was that they were much more accelerated than women's 9-month pregnancies. So Minseok only had to worry about morning sickness for about a month. The hormones, however, were a different story. He had his fair share of mood swings with back pains like his who could blame him and cravings he was feeding two mouths after all. Tonight, Jongin just had to be the unfortunate victim.

Minseok woke up from one of his nightmares, only, instead of seeking Jongin's comforting presence he felt anger. The burning started at the pit of his stomach and came clawing out of his mouth.

"Why do you always ing come? Do you have nothing better to do?" Jongin flinched and visibly shrunk back from Minseok. But Minseok was far from finished.

"Do you like playing the hero? Is that ing it? Am I your pretty damsel in distress that you must save and protect every ing night?" Minseok was now sitting up, glaring at Jongin - his posture defensive. But his eyes, his warm chocolate eyes, were bright and determined.

"No," Jongin stated calmly, eyes never wavering from Minseok's glare.

"No, what?" Minseok bit back, eager for a fight.

"No I don't think ... any of that," here Jongin waved his arms pathetically in the air. "You are pretty. Like really, really pretty, but that's not ... we're friends and friends help each other. Friends are there to comfort and help each other up when they're down. And you're my friend so I can't just ... Hearing you cry? I'll always come to you and try to help. You're not a damsel for me to protect. You're a friend for me to be there for." By the end of Jongin's little speech about friendship, the anger was gone and in its place was a hollow, heavy feeling. Minseok blinked and felt tears slip down his face. Jongin went back to looking like a lost puppy.

"I'm sorry," Minseok sobbed. Jongin looked unsure if he should reach out and comfort Minseok - he looked like he was struggling to process the sudden mood change.

"I'm sorry all I do is bother you every night. I wish the nightmares would end but then how would I remember Luhan? All I have is the baby we were supposed to raise together but now he's not here and I'm scared. I'm scared, Jongin. What if I'm not a good father? What if I'm not ready to be a dad? What if something happens and-" Jongin cut Minseok off, carefully wrapping his arms around him while being mindful of his belly.

"There's no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes but you learn from them and try and love your child and that's what makes you a good parent. And you're not alone! How could you be alone with a best friend like Joonmyun? Not to mention Chanyeol and ... me," Jongin whispered the last part, an obvious blush dusting his face. Minseok sniffled and lightly pushed Jongin's chest until he could see his face. He reached up and brushed the tips of his fingers along the pink of his cheeks. Jongin leaned into the touch despite feeling his ears growing hotter. 

Maybe, just maybe, they both shared the same feelings. Maybe, just maybe -

"Bring me ice cream." Minseok's request was so unexpected that Jongin blinked in confusion.

"What?" 

"I want ice cream so go bring me some! And none of those small cartons either I want a giant gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Please," Minseok seemed to add the last bit as an afterthought. Jongin held back a sigh and smiled.

"Of course. I'll just go look for someplace that sells ice cream at...four am." Jongin's smile was indulgent and amused.

"Gas station across the street. That's where Joonmyun bought me some last time except it was two am and not four but I'm sure they're still open!"

"Right. I'll just...head out then."

"Don't take long now. Baby and I are waiting for our ice cream~"

"Yeah. Ok then,” Jongin said with an indulgent expression. 

Maybe they both shared the same feelings. Or maybe not.

Minseok didn't have to wait long before Jongin was bursting through the door with a gallon of ice cream and two spoons in hand. Minseok beamed at him from under the covers. Jongin smoothly slid in next to him, happy that Minseok seemed to be back to his former self.

They spooned ice cream into their mouths, a comfortable silence between them. Minseok hadn't been looked after in so long, he had forgotten how nice it was to know someone was willing to put up with his hormonal self. A sweet, cute someone. Jongin let out a small cough grabbing Minseok's attention. 

"Something wrong?" Minseok asked a frown of concern adorning his face.

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong I just, uh, wanted to say..." Jongin's face was turning a cute shade of crimson again and Minseok sat there waiting. It was ironic that Jongin, a journalist who made a living from words, always struggled to express his feelings in real life situations.Certainly, Jongin always struggled with putting things into words but Minseok had all the patience in the world when his hormones weren't on a rampage so he waited and waited until Jongin finally opened his mouth again.

"I...I know you're still sad about whatever happened in the past and it's not...I don't want to be some replacement nor am I trying to replace him! I just..." Jongin went quiet again but this time, his gaze was strong and steady on Minseok. Minseok's heart was hammering away at his ribs. Is he..?

"I like you. I like you a lot, Minseok. I don't know if I'll be ... good enough for you or the baby but I want to try. I want to try and make you smile every day and be there for you ... if you'll let me." Minseok stared long and hard back at Jongin. He had fallen in love once. And he had lost that love too. That kind of pain had left him wary but...

But Jongin had always been special, hadn't he? All the times he had stayed and comforted Minseok, running to gas stations and convenience stores at ridiculous hours. His heart felt like it was overflowing with emotion and his tongue was heavy with all the words he wanted to say. It was all too much and Minseok was patient but Jongin, who was usually the most patient of men,  wasn't patient today. So he surged forward and brushed his lips softly against Minseok's plush ones. It was a short and chaste kiss and, yet, they found themselves holding their breath as if some magic spell clung to the air sound them, ready to disperse at the slightest disturbance.

"Me too. I want to try too," Minseok whispered, tongue still thick in his mouth. Those hushed words were all it took for the spell to break and they both raced forward, lips gliding against each other, noses bumping in their eagerness. The ice cream lay forgotten on the bedside counter. Minseok let out a loud groan before pulling away abruptly. Jongin, confused and breathless, asked Minseok what was wrong.

"The baby! It just kicked me!" And Jongin couldn't help but burst into laughter at the affronted look on Minseok's face as he said the words. Minseok's face twisted into a scowl.

"Yah! Are you laughing at me right now? I've just been assaulted by my own child and you have the audacity to laugh-" Jongin swooped in and kissed him, effectively shutting Minseok up. He pulled the covers over them both, finding Minseok's hand to tangle with his.

"I think the baby is just telling us it's time for bed. You have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and we don't want to be late," Jongin whispered bringing up their joined hands to rest between them. Minseok grumbled about cute, mean puppies before snuggling closer to Jongin until he got the hint and wrapped his arms around him.

"Goodnight, boyfriend," Minseok mumbled, voice already thick with sleep.

"Sweet dreams, Minseok."

»»Epilogue»»

Tonight's dream is different. There's no burning, no pain, no regret. Instead, he's in an open field. The air is thick with the scent of lavender, daisies, and lilies. The sky is a neverending sea of blue and Minseok feels like he could lie here forever. He is at peace and no longer tormented with the nightmares of what ifs. The calm, however, is disturbed by the distant cries of a baby. Minseok really does not want to open his eyes but the noise only gets louder and louder and his chest is starting to feel heavy, weighted down by something-

"Papa! Papa! Wake up, Papa! It's your turn to take me to school today!" Whatever was sitting on his chest, suffocating him, is now jumping. Minseok lets out a growl before grabbing his son and pinning him beside him, resolute in keeping his eyes closed for a few more minutes. His son let out a loud shriek, fighting vainly to escape from his Papa's embrace.

"Papa! I don't want to be late again!" His son whined, tiny hands pawing at his face. He cracked open his eyes to see his son beaming up at him, black hair tousled and his school uniform wrinkled now.

"Alright, alright. Papa's awake now, Tao. Go get your shoes and we'll stop by Uncle Myun and Uncle Yeollie's place for some breakfast, ok?" Tao let out a happy whoop before scrambling off the bed. He loved visiting his uncles especially for breakfast. Minseok rolled out of bed, already looking forward to his first cup of coffee. Jongin was probably already at work. He worked early hours so that he could get off in time to pick up Tao from the daycare.

Some time before Tao was due, Jongin had helped Minseok move his things into Jongin's room, turning the spare room into a nursery. Even though they both had their moments of sleepless nights and short tempers, they stuck through it all and loved each other deeply and unreservedly. Neither of them had time to get married after, caught up in the chaos of raising Tao. And to be honest they didn't really feel it was necessary. They didn't feel the need to as their love for each other expressed itself well enough in the crazy, energetic four year old boy they called their own. They had each other and that was enough.

Jongin and Minseok couldn't be happier.