Kris sits down to write a letter at 11.45 pm on December 31st 2014.

Dear Xiumin, Suho, Lay, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Sehun, Kyungsoo, Kai and Tao

            They say you always start and end the year differently. Those words could not be any more truthful than now. I started this year optimistic about our future, and now I can’t seem to wait for it to be over.

            I remember how we were terribly tired from our New Year’s show last year and the first thing I wanted to do was fall asleep, but then Tao came and kissed me. He wished me Happy New Year with a huge smile on his face, his eyes twinkling away. For some reason, it’s that smile I remember the most, because it was for me. Now, when you smile, I can’t say that it is for me.

            Words cannot express how sorry I am for putting you guys through this . Now that I look back on what I have done, my only regret is not having left in a better condition. I should have told you, and I should have confessed my struggles. I should have at least left you all birthday gifts and Christmas gifts. I should have at least taken Chanyeol out for the hotpot I promised. I should have let Joonmyun buy me the coffee I wanted and helped Kyungsoo clean the kitchen. I should have spent my last night with Tao instead of a bar miles away from our hotel. The only reason I didn’t do all these things is because I knew it would make it harder for me to leave.

            I was a complete and utter mess after that. I try my best to be strong for my fans, but deep down inside, I felt lost. I woke up thinking I was still Kris, the leader of EXO. I would get up, brush my teeth and proceed to nag you guys about the day we have ahead. It’s only when I realize that it’s 5 in the morning and I don’t have anything until 8 and no one else is in the apartment but me that it hits me, I’m not Kris anymore.

            I had a hard time trying to figure out who I was. I changed my screen name to fit my Chinese debut. I found an agent and spent my time mooching big-time producers and film directors, all of which were either happy to give me a shot, or terribly petrified and reluctant. I was so thankful Director Xu signed me on when others declined me.

            Just when I was trying to find myself, I realized that no matter how I try, I am still Kris, the leader of EXO. My fans know me that way, and it will forever be a part of my identity. And until the day my career is able to stand on its own, everyone will refer to me as Kris, the former leader, the betrayer, the has-been, would-have-been, and galaxy dork.

            Truth be told, being EXO’s leader is the greatest honour that has ever bestowed upon me. I met people who would change my life forever and gained experiences that have moulded me to become who I am today. If possible, I would do this again and again and again. But would I do this forever? If it were any other way…

            I asked Luhan to keep this a secret, and you must be angry to know that we have been plotting behind your back. We didn’t know how to tell you, not because you weren’t important to us, but it was because you guys were so important, we didn’t want to break your hearts. Luhan would not be able to stand to watch Sehun’s eyes tear up and frankly I can’t stand knowing that I would break my baby Tao’s heart.

            Unfortunately, I did it anyways. And I made it worse.

            Congratulations on your awards and recent successes. The concert was a hit and I cannot be happier for you. I wish I was there to help you celebrate, but I assume you all would rather hit me than celebrate with me. I wouldn’t blame you, I would hit me too.

            Tao, if ever you are reading this, do not doubt for even a second that I didn’t love you. I did, and it hurt so much. Why? Because I still do. I still love you, and I have a feeling I will love you for a lifetime.

            I’m happy with where things are going now, not just for me but for you too. Hopefully things are going your way too. For 2015, I want all of us to be happy. Be proud of what we have accomplished, whether together or not. Be brave enough to love and cherish all who are around us. Who knows, perhaps we shall see each other again one day. I don’t even know if you will read this letter. Luhan and I will still be supporting you all no matter what.

            EXO, saranghaja.

Kris, former leader of EXO-M