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FINAL

I cut all the vegetables and then put it in the pan. I watched how my two years old son is playing with his toy on the stroller. A curve on my lips can’t be hidden. I’m smiled watching my son laughed with his new toy. In this world I’m happy when I can see my son smiled. It’s give me warm.

I know, he’s not like the other child. He was born with disability of his left leg. And have healthy issue with his respiratory. But I’m still happy he still life, he still breath until now. I love him so much, he is the only son I’ve. The son who God give for me.

I promise to my self I’ll love him the way he is. I don’t care about his disability nor his poor health. I’ll protect him from anything that can harm him and take care of him. I’ll raised him with a lot of love. That’s my promise. Because, in this world, I only have him as my son.

Otherwise, my husband really hate our son. He never admits my son is his blood. Yeah, he never did. This all happen when my son was born, my husband didn’t believe if his son has disability and health problems. He blames me for this. I know he also knows the truth, this is also not my fault at all. He has a fault too. But he denied it all and blame my son for this. He hates him to the guts. I often ask to my self why my husband hate a baby who born with purity ? My son never hurts people, but why so many people hate him ?

My parents and family very disappointed when they found out how was my son. They cut their relation with me. They said ‘It’s a shame to have relation with someone like your son!’. Same as my family, my in laws also ashamed with my son. They pretend that I and my son was gone. They didn’t care.

Without I realize my tears already flow down on my cheeks. With a thumb I wipe all the tears and look up at my son. Caressing his soft hair with love. I prepared the breakfast quickly. I know my husband coming late last night, and of course he was drunken, that’s why I prepared some soup for his hangover.

The breakfast ready in minutes. I smiled, maybe, just maybe today he changed his heart, I just hope today his heart softer. I heard a crack of an opened door. I turned my gaze to guestroom but my eyes widened. I see a woman wear her clothes hurriedly. Her eyes met mine, I bet she also shocked. Behind her I can see my dear husband shirtless with a tired face.

I sighed, he brings a woman to home again.

“Who are you?” She asked looking me from head to toe and then shifted to look at my son.

“Get out !” my husband yelled to her. But she is not afraid, her eyes smiled.

“Oppa, call me later , last night was amazing!” she her lips and I watched them with disgust. Seriously, my husband cheated on me right in front of my eyes, but I can’t do anything. He always treated me badly since my son born, I didn’t blame my son otherwise, I really love my son. My husband change a bit, that’s it. That’s my conclusion.

.

Without a second that girl already dazed out of our apartment. I looked at my husband who take steps approached the dining table. He sat on the chair and massaging his head. I take a step closer and then smiled.

“I made a soup for your hangover. Here,” I handed a bowl warm soup in front of me.

He glances at me coldly and then begin to take a spoon of soup to his mouth. I watched him and then to my son. I pinched my son’s cheeks softly. “How was it?” I asked my husband. “Are you feeling better, Jongin ?”

Jongin stopped after eat a spoon. He throws the spoon away. “What is this?” his voice raised. I startled, so does my son. Being a two years old kid, he begins to cry. I tried to calm him, but Jongin seem so damn furious right now.

He grab the bowl of his soup, and like I know where his direction, I directly blocked my son with my body. And splash! The soup already poured down on my face to my body. It’s a bit hot I know, I wiped my face and then looked at Jongin with fear. His chest going up and down because he is furious now. The last thing I know, he walked away, going to our room and then slammed it.

I turned to my son and then look at him worriedly. “Are you okay, Cheonsa ? You didn’t get any of the water right ?” I checked all of his body, but he seemed didn’t get any of splashed water I sighed in relief. I didn’t care with the burnt on my skin, because the safety of my son is the first for me.

“I’m sorry you shocked a moment ago. Your father just tired,” I smiled at him although my eyes filled with water. “I’m sorry you watched this, I promise next time, this won’t happen again,” I carried him in my embrace until he feels asleep.

“Sweet dream” I murmured

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⚜⚜⚜

I look closely at my son. Cheonsa is in deep slumber. Examining his face. I looked at his brows, his jaw, his nose, his eyelashes, his lips, he has a similarity with Jongin, indeed he is his son. “You’re handsome like your father,” I smiled.

“Same my ” someone hissed behind me. I turned my body and find Jongin standing in the door already with his shirt and tie.

“Ah, you want to go work now ?” I tried to smile. And when my eyes landing on his tie looks like he is messed up with its. I chuckled, like the old days, until now he can’t fit the tie. I walked approach him, when my hands already on his tie, he slapped my hands away.

“Don't touch me with your filthy hands !” his voice shrilled. I just look at him with a horror. He looks at Cheonsa with disgust. “Look ! Just send this kid to orphanage,”

“No !” I answered confidently. How dare he just send his own son to an orphanage. “Jongin,” I look at him with tears. “If you want someone to blamed, just blame me. Don’t blame Cheonsa, he doesn’t know anything. He is just a kid. If you ashamed of him, just did what you always do,” my gaze filled with sadness and disappointment. “Just ignore us,” I know my heart ached with pain like its shattered when I said that, but I don't want my Cheonsa get blamed for everything he never did.

I love my Cheonsa, I love my Jongin. But please, why Jongin can’t understand it. I always calmed my heart whenever he brought another woman to our house. But deep in my heart I always cried. I always keep up until night, waiting Jongin to back from wherever he goes. When I heard a cracked door, I know Jongin was back, but I also always heard another voice, female’s.

He didn’t go to our bedroom, I heard another crack of an opened door. He always goes to guestroom. I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears. I don’t want he sees me at my weakest point. I don’t want to show my tears although he already saw it countless time.

Jongin just stood and look at me with stoic face.

“Jongin, can I ask you something ?” I breathed out. “Is there.., in your heart Am I still in your heart ?” one tears already fall from my eyes. I look at him with a deep gaze trying to find an answer from his eyes. But I find nothing. He doesn’t answer and he just scoffed.

“You still want me to love you after this child is born? In your dream !” he grab his suitcase and then walk away.

I just sighed, wipe my tears. And before I closed the door of Cheon’s room I hear a loud slam from the front door. Jongin already gone, I peeked at Cheonsa’s room and fortunately he’s still in deep slumber

.

⚜

I woke up after heard cried from Cheonsa’s room. My gaze look at the clock, 00.30 it’s rare to find him crying at this hour. Don’t tell me, he can’t breath properly. With a daze, I already run to his room. I tried to open it, and my eyes widened.

“No !!! Jongin stoppp!!!!” It’s horror. I see how Jongin tried to muffle the sound of Cheonsa’s cry with pushed the pilllow to his face. “No!! Jongin Stopp!!”

It’ll make him worse ! My son !! My son.. My head already spinning and I’m panicked. I approach Jongin, tried to pull him away, but he yanked me away and I fall to the ground. Before I fall, my head hit the end of the mattress . I stood up again, trying to get rid of Jongin. The smell of alcohol! He was drunk.

“Jongin !! Jongin !!!” I screamed. I pushed with all my strenght and push Jongin away. And fortunately it’s work. Without stop, I remove the pillow from Cheonsa’s face and tried to calm him. He can’t breath properly. My brain tell me to do something that Doctor ever teach me how to make him can breathe again. The first step, it’s didn’t work, 2nd, 3rd. I begin to panick. No no no no!!! I repeat what I can do countless time, until I heard his crying already over and he can breathe again.

God ! Thankyou.

My gaze swifted to Jongin who still on the ground. “Jong- I mean Kai...,” I look at him with horror. “You crossed the line, love. I don’t ever expect you to do this,”

I leave him alone while carrying Cheonsa to my room. I must protect Cheonsa. So many danger around him. But my tears keep b away. I’m panicked, I’m afraid, if this incident gonna repeat. I don’t want Cheonsa’s life in danger. In other hand, I don’t know if Jongin will change to someone I never know before. He is totally changed when he’s drunken. And it’s afraid me from head to toe.

I don’t want the man I love killed my little angel.

I don’t want he become a murderer for my son.

Just god please, don't !

After that night, I never met Jongin again because he never goes back to home this week. Maybe, he’s partying with another woman ? Like he always does ? Yeah.. Like he usually does

.

⚜

He is change. My dear husband changed. He become a monster. There're no days without him abuse me and Cheonsa. He’ll slap, punch, kick, choke, pull my hair, etc. He’ll do it although he is sober enough. Sometimes after he finished abuse me, I’ll miss the old of him while cried. The man who ever cared for me, loved me. But that was a past. Is still me who still love him ?

I still remind a wisdom said love is completely unfair. Well, love is not game after all. There’s no rule to keep it fair play. There’s no winner and there’s no loser. One thing to remember; not everything can be happening the way you want it to be.

How funny, my brain tell me to leave him because he already become worst. He is danger for Cheonsa. But deep in my heart, tell no. My tiny heart say there’ll be a little hope for him to change. My heart’s win. Being the stupid person, I choose my selfishness. I won’t leave my husband, and I’ll still protect Cheonsa.

But does it work ? I don’t know.

Jongin stopped to give me money for our family. He’ll always yell, slammed somethings, and etc when there’s no food in the table. Seriously, he wants food already on the table when he never gives me money to buy. I didn’t go to work after I gave born. I worried about Cheonsa, that’s why I stopped work until now.

I rarely eat, but I still trying to keep Cheonsa able to eat regularly. Looking at my own body on the mirror sometimes I will cringe in disgust. Who is this person ? The person in front of me so disgusting. I can see the bone, bruises all over my reflection, I lost a lot of weight . Looks like a zombie. A walking dead zombie.

I glanced at Cheonsa, he is still playing with my tab. Cheonsa can’t walk nor speak, yet. His condition a bit down from a week ago because the food he was eaten didn’t fully fill his needs. His drug almost run out. I’m afraid this will be more dangerous and it can be worst. It’ll killing him slowly.

That’s why I decided to search a job. Being a caseer or whatever I don’t care. I just need money to buy food and whatever Cheonsa needed. Of course I savings some money but I think it’ll not help because that for Cheonsa’s therapy. He’ll go to therapist once a month. And I need it to pay the therapy session.

While carrying Cheonsa, my steps stopped in front of family restaurant. And I see a paper with the black ink read : Need a fulltime worker!

I read the qualification and thanks god, I fulfill all the requirements. With carefree step, I entered that place. I smiled approached a middle-aged woman with an apron around her waist.

“Excusme,” she looked at me with smile.

“We haven’t open yet. You want to eat ?” I shake my head. “I want to take the job. Here’s my file,”

She just smiled and then shook her head. “You don’t need to bring me your qualification. Just now go change, and you can work from today. Your payment is 40.000 won per day. You’ll work from 10 AM until 7 PM. Is it okay for you ?”

I nodded happily. “It’s okay Ma’am. As long as I can buy food for my son,”

Her smile dissapear when she sees my son. “Are you a single mother ?” she asks me careffuly afraid if this topic can hurt me.

I just look at her for a second. Debated what should I answer. But... then I nodded. “Yeah.., I am,” I smiled.

“Godness, poor you. Just took your son to that chair while you work. God, this is must hurt for you to take care of him alone. What’s his name ? He is so handsome,”

“Yeah, he is handsome like his father,” I smiled when see she played with my son. But my smile just for a second, the next second, it’s faded away. ‘Father’... well, my husband never admit he is my son. My eyes become glassy. And I bet the lady in front of me notice me. “His name is Ki- Kim Cheonsa,”

“Sssh... don't cry sweetheart. I’m sorry for making you cry,” I shook my head disapprove her answer. “No, you’re not Ma’am. I think today my emotion just a bit-“ I stopped and take a deep breath.

“Call me Mrs. Lee. What’s your name pretty ?”

I look at her and I find a sincere between her eyes. “Ki- Cha Haneul,” I gulped. “It’s supposed to be Kim, bu-but... you know.. yeah like that,” I can’t descript it. My voice and brain can’t function.

“It’s okay. You’ve a good name. Haneul.. That’s mean angel. And you’re really an angel,” she smiled and then look at my son. “And this is Cheonsa, Cheonsa mean Heaven right ? Both of you have a good name,”

I laughed a bit. “Yeah, angel and heaven can’t be separated because Heaven is a place for angel,”

“You’re beautiful when you smile. Go change now, let’s work. This restaurant will open in thirty minutes,”

I nodded

.

⚜

I don’t know if now I look like aging so much because of stress, lack of sleeps, and depression. Cheonsa’s health worse than last night, his fever won’t come down, he can’t breath pr