taehyung; the first love (autumn)

 

When the flowers began wilting by the corners of the sidewalk; when the greyness of the surroundings began melting into a spectrum of colours— that was when I ran down the streets, the skirt of my uniform fluttering in the wind behind me. That was when I left my struggles to the wind, letting them float away on the fall zephyr. That was when my whole world was the warmth that wrapped around my fingers, the arm that it led to, and the boy whose smile had the ability to make me feel like the most beautiful girl on the planet. 

 

The rough pads of his thumb rubbed against the top of my hand as he laced our fingers together. He held me as we ran past the sidewalk stalls, past the eddying vapour of the hot foods being cooked, and past the screaming children who longed to follow after us as if they too had no care in the world. Which they technically did. 

 

Back in those teenage years, I was busy juggling the pressure of my parents and the competitive nature of school. In that hellish establishment, however, was where I first learnt what it meant to be in love. 

 

It was freshman orientation, and I had been assigned to the third group. Like the lone drifter that I was, I kept myself hidden within the group, like a shadow that merely followed them along. I was in no way timid, but I guess it was the daunting feeling of change and growth that kept my lips sealed tight and my heart heavy. I placed myself between a pair of extremely giggly girls and a boy, who had been outwardly fidgety. I thought to myself "finally, someone who understands me," even though he had a weird way of showing it. He hopped from one foot to the other, his face scrunched up as if he felt either extremely uncomfortable or extremely lost in the choreography playing within his thoughts, which was probably galaxies away. Just when I was contemplating to move closer to the front of the group, he turned to me, his eyes turning into crescent moons and the corners crinkling into what seemed like a group of tributaries breaking away from a river. 

 

"Do you think now's a good time to ask for toilet break, because I've been holding this in ever since we passed the cafeteria." 

 

The baritone of his voice was a complete contrast to his youthful face, and knocked me out of my unpleasant thoughts. All I could do was look back at him, completely entranced by the walking juxtaposition that was him. I remember nodding, which apparently gave him the green light to raise his hand and alert the student guide about his bladder-related situation. 

 

That twenty-second day of autumn, I met the boy who went by the name of Kim Taehyung. That first day of school, I stumbled upon the boy who would first own my heart. 

 

As the days went by, and the autumn breeze grew chillier, I found that in the lunch crowd, my eyes would immediately search for a certain outspoken boy. As the weeks went by, I found that the space by my side was never cold and empty. Instead, that same boy with the weak bladder sat by me, sharing his plate of food, and offering me an insight into his life through the short excerpts of his childhood. He was carefree and fun loving, just as I had always wanted to be, just like the brown leaves that rode on the autumn breeze, not bothering where it would land, but rather only enjoying the journey there. 

 

Everyday, he walked me to my classes. Almost every day did he walk me home, always leaving with a sheepish smile and an over-enthusiastic wave. And it didn't take long for the random doodles on my notebook to turn into his name and mine in an arrow heart, and for my huffs during math class to turn into dreamy sighs. I was falling, and it was an absolutely wonderful feeling.

 

He wasn't all that innocent as well, I'd say to myself. The teasing nudges and accidental grazing of skins had morphed into friendly half-hugs and not-so innocent gazes. And just when I thought I was the only one with a heart beating in double- no, triple time, his lips had shrouded mine, before breathing into my skin that he loved me. 

 

Just like that, my first year of high school was over, and I had survived. Not alone, but with my best friend and boyfriend. Never alone.

 

My sophomore year was spent in sheer bliss. By then, the students in my year had been quite used to seeing the two of us hand in hand around the campus, maybe even smooching a few other times, and had promised to award us the superlative of "couple that'll make it" in the senior yearbook. Although it was still too much of a stretch at my immature age, the thought of it made me happy. 

 

The best memories were of me sitting on the lawn, back resting against the bark of the oak tree, while Taehyung laid his head in my lap, pointing out the clouds that looked like the animals from Old MacDonald's farm. I would wonder aloud if the clouds actually looked like how he described them to be, and he would pout and playfully accuse me of not trusting him. This was the part where I would lean down and peck his lips, feeling the chapped surface of his lips against mine and leaving him some of my lip balm. And as usual, he would smile that rectangular smile and smack his lips, a "giving me lip balm through a kiss, huh? I like it" spoken in the wind. Those were the sunny days where we would play around on the campus, never minding what the future would bring, or how much time would pass. All that mattered was that electric that passed through my skin at his touch, and the warmth that spread in my chest at the thought of him. 

 

He was everything I had wished for. He was the dream Prince Charming that came riding on Charizard, our favourite Pokémon, because he thought white stallions were too cliché. He was everything my teenage self needed; a safe haven to escape from the harsh realities of the adult world. Time was changing us, I was well aware of that, but all I wanted to do was run away with Taehyung into the sunset, and live in those perfect fantasies he would whisper to me about when we talked over the phone every night. So for the first time in my life, I wished for Kronos to halt the hands of time, just so I could live in that perfect fantasy with Taehyung. 

 

I wanted nothing more than to be his, forever. 

 

Several summers came around, and each of them I spent going on adventures and exploring what it really meant to be young, wild and free with Taehyung. Trekking, fishing, bungee-jumping were just a few of the things I had the chance to experience all thanks to my young lover. Every summer, we went about town, doing really anything you could think of. And on the rainy days, we would curl up under a blanket, sipping iced chocolate and shoving ice cream into each other's mouths, because Taehyung apparently had the genius theory that we should fight cold with cold.

 

The seasons came and went, like the pages of books I had no choice but to memorise for the upcoming exams. Our love had kept me strong through my four years in high school, and now it was being put to the test as the both of us trudged towards our finals. We often studied together in the library, our hands never too far from each other just so we could poke and tickle the other while studying. 

 

And when we were done with that, as if we couldn't be inseparable enough as it was, we held on to each other with a sudden surge of strength in our hands. It was as if in the back of our minds, we knew that our fantasy world was set on crumbling, and we wanted to keep the glue in place as long it could hold the entire thing together. Time was finally catching up to us, leaving us to take the next step, which was a scary and uncertain abyss after clinging on to the edge of a cliff. 

 

He was all set for a school in the next city, and I was headed west to a college nearer to my grandparents. It pained me to accept that we were meant to part ways, and I would spend the days pretending that I was fine, and the nights silently bleeding my heart out onto the soft covers of my pillow. I was abandoning my first love, as he was leaving me behind. We had different paths ahead of us, paths that I feared would only run in parallel, side by side, never ever intersecting. The thought scared me to no end, manifesting into the most horrifying of monsters and haunting my once peaceful dreams filled with Taehyung. It was in those hateful nightmares that I retreated back to the comforts of Taehyung's arms, relishing in his warmth and the subtle scent of lavender on his hoodie. 

 

Graduation. As I threw my mortarboard towards the clear skies, my hand found his, and under the sea of navy square caps that filled the sky, we kissed. He kept our fingers intertwined, and brought me around as he congratulated his classmates as well as our closest friends. I let myself drown myself in his touch, not bothering to bid farewell to my classmates. Our parents had taken turns to get pictures taken, and we even did one with both families, Taehyung and I smack in the front and centre. I smiled as wide as I could, and when he turned to me at the last moment to kiss my cheek, I had never felt my heart jump as much as it did then. I handed my mother the polaroid camera, and she looked at me with a sadness in her eyes as I told her to take two of me and Taehyung. 

 

One for me to keep, and one for him, and that scrapbook he kept underneath his bed that photographed him through his life. In that moment, I was contented enough to have been a part of his life, to have earned a place in that scrapbook of memories. 

 

He placed himself behind me, wrapped his arms around my torso and leaned his head on my shoulder, smiling as the first flash went off. Then, I guffawed aloud when he lifted me in his arms bridal-style, and all I could see was the happy, carefree laughter he let out as he held me in his arms. 

 

I didn't notice when that second flash went off.

 

The crowd thinned out, and the two of us were just standing before the familiar grey building, staring at the silver letters that graced the tops of the entrance doors. The sun was beginning to set, and I too felt the sun slowly moving behind the horizon within my heart. He held my hands tightly between his before lifting them to his lips, kissing each and every finger, branding them with his lips. I kept silent, because if I had said anything, there was no doubt that it would emerge as a sob. And I didn't want Taehyung to remember a last image of me crying. 

 

So I smiled. 

 

I smiled for the memories I had the honour of creating with him. I smiled for the fantasies we had made up in our minds. I smiled for the autumn nights we spent talking and laughing at just about anything. I smiled for the love I had found in my youth. I smiled for the boy who I let take my heart away for the first time. 
 

I smiled for me, and I smiled for Taehyung. 

 

"Goodbye, my love," he whispered into our last kiss. 

 

Kim Taehyung was my soul mate. He shook me up, tore me down and broke my heart just a little so new light could get in. And once his purpose was fulfilled, he left. But he remains in a special corner of my heart, and in a frame at the corner of my desk. He was the one I spent my youth loving, as wholly and irrevocably as my teenaged heart could. 

 

And he is the first love I'd never forget. 

 

 

---

 

sehun; the crush (winter)

 

When white tuffs came floating down from the heavens; when tears of the angels perched above the clouds covered the once grey pavements— that was when I sat by the window, gazing out as the first snow came raining down on the ground, like a gift to purify man's soul. That was when I found myself leaving foolish childhood fantasies behind, just as how the intricately beautiful snowflakes eventually melted into nothing more than clear liquid. That was when I had wanted to find my place in society, and to belong. That was when my thoughts became intoxicated with a certain boy who seemed like the closest thing to perfection. 

 

Before the snow came, the harsh winds attacked the population. The heater in the lecture theatre had been turned up, but I could still feel the chill rattling in my bones. The lecturer's voice was like a droning lullaby, and it didn't help that it was the late afternoon and the perfect naptime. Just as my eyelids were beginning to droop as if the sandman himself had blown his magical sleep dust into my eyes, the bell rang and I was wide awake once more. The girl beside me, who had turned into one of my closest companions on campus, began leading me towards the cafeteria, while talking my ear off about some guy she had bumped into. I nodded mindlessly, my only focus at the moment was to grab a cup of coffee or two to last me the rest of the day. 

 

We settled down at our table, and it was when I picked up my saving dose of caffeine that I felt my acquaintance nudge my side and point towards the doors. I held the rim up to my lips, prepared to taste the rich goodness of my personal drug. And that was the first time I saw Oh Sehun.

 

He looked like a god amongst insignificant humans; like a reincarnation of Adonis bringing colour back to the earth. His face was sculpted to perfection, proportions were almost ideal, and even the air around him seemed to be of a superior status. He was just perfect. And like the girl that I was, my eyes followed after him as he strode into the room. I didn't ignore the fact that every other female too had their eyes set on him. But I wasn't disparaged.

 

There was that feeling blooming within me, one I thought had long died out. And I found comfort in its familiarity and the man that revived it. As much as I wanted to break out of my frivolous delusions, I couldn't help but feel a sense of safety within those immature thoughts. Like a routine that I was afraid to break, I let history repeat itself and found myself letting my heart fall once again.

 

I had never seen him, even though he was apparently in the same department as I was. But since then, he was the first thing I longed to see when I got to school. It was as if my body had tuned itself to him, and I could always search through the throngs of students to find his soft mop of brown hair a head above everyone else. I spent my time conjuring up illusions that he would finally notice me and strike up a conversation, but before he could ask me out, the shrill ringing of the bell would snatch me out of my thoughts. I would pass him in the hallways, and before he could catch my gaze I'd turn my attention somewhere else. 

 

It was my very own game of cat and mouse, except he didn't know he was a player. 

 

He had given me a renewed reason to brave through lecture after lecture, and at the end of the day I would reward myself with a glimpse of him at his locker, a mirthful smile on his lips as he talked endlessly with his friends. 

 

I found myself paying more attention to how I looked. Gone were the plain hoodies and baggy jeans. I made sure to wake up earlier in the mornings just so I could straighten my hair. The amount of effort I usually put into makeup doubled. All this in an attempt to get the great Oh Sehun to glance my way. 

 

It was pathetic of me, and if I could go back in time to slap myself, I would've. But then again, people do crazy things for love. Even if it was an unrequited one.

 

And it was like the fates had finally decided to look kindly upon me, when the teacher had decided to pair us together for a presentation. I fist pumped as subtly as I could as soon as I heard our names called one after another, and he made his way over to me. When he had finally sat down before me, I found it almost difficult to breathe. My heart worked in overtime, and it took every ounce of strength and self-restraint to not blurt out something completely stupid. 

 

He took on half the work and I did what ever else he needed me to, shyly nodding whenever he would end his proposition with a question to ask if I was fine with the arrangement. And like the sweet and kind man I expected him to be, he made little jokes here and there to break the awkward atmosphere between us. I could only giggle into my fist, not wanting to scare him with my unfeminine loud guffaws that would make him run for the hills. 

 

As days went by, and the project long over, he decided that he had found a friend in me and eased me into his life. He would join my friend and me for lunch, bringing his best friends along and filling our otherwise peaceful table with gleeful laughter and loud teasing. And I was just happy that I had finally found a place by his side where I could watch him in silence. 

 

I could just remain lost in his profile while he chattered and laughed, tracing my eyes along every single feature gracing his form and committing them to memory. Every single thing about him seemed so flawless in my eyes. The way his eyes disappeared into mere crescents when he smiled, the scar that remained on the corner of his lips from an accident back when he was a child, the soft dewy skin that seemed to go on and on. To me, Oh Sehun was a palace on the clouds, and I was the poor girl foolishly trying to stack mountains on top of mountains to reach it. And when twilight fell over the skies, I envisioned him perfectly in my mind and held on to his image, pulling him along through an endless field of flowers. I courted him in the safety of my dreams.

 

I drowned in my fantasies, feeling more contented suffocating in delusions than breathing reality.

 

Just before the winter break, that was when my mirage came crumbling down. My companion had been strangely excited that day, and I wasn’t one to pry so I stayed silent. She had a box in her hands, decorated nicely with a soft red ribbon tied around it. She held in tight in her hands, never once letting go of the package throughout class. As soon as the bell rang, she shot out of her seat, only turning back to say that she’d see me in the cafeteria soon. I nodded and took my time packing my bag before leaving for lunch. It was then that I saw her and Sehun in a corner along the hallway. Their conversation was quiet, and she stepped closer to him, probably trying to block out everything else and say what she wanted to. I watched as she offered Sehun the pretty-looking box, but he only looked down at it and shook his head. It was as if time had begun moving slowly when my mind caught up with what was happening.

 

My best friend had confessed to Oh Sehun, the one who had filled every inch of my mind and bled into my dreams. And he had rejected her.

 

As if the midwinter had crept up my body and held me in place, I froze. And as the crystal snowflakes that lay on the concrete sidewalk were crushed under the heavy feet of man, the fictional world of my creation broke into a million and one shards that did nothing but cut into my skin.

 

That was when I realised that I was compromising myself for the possibility of being on that same level as Sehun. I had become an artifice to myself, and the person in the mirror that looked back at me was no longer recognisable. I had strived for perfection just so I get one step closer to reaching Sehun, hoping he’d look behind him and offer his hand out to me.

 

But looking at my friend’s dejected expression, and Sehun’s apologetic gaze, I knew that no matter what I did, it would have never been enough.

 

It was an odd moment to have realised it, but it hit me and I felt as if I was floating up towards the surface once more, the sea releasing me of its hold. She had made an effort to try to reach him, and even then she didn’t get to step a foot on that cloud that held him high above the rest of us.

 

And just like that, I caught myself from falling any further. Just like that, I found that Sehun was just that; a crush.

 

That frosty afternoon, I told myself that Sehun was a crush who, for a moment, had my heart, even though he wasn’t aware of it. And all I could do was get over him. I had to move on.

 

Oh Sehun was far too perfect, far too unattainable. And I was just meant to watch him from afar— to love him from a distance— but never reach out to touch him.

 

 

---

 

sanghyuk; the best friend (summer)

 

When the first week of August hung at the peak of summer like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning; when the smell of freshly cut grass filled my senses; when everyone else took the long hot days as a chance to dive into the deep end of the pool— that when I let my inhibitions go and ran straight for the waves that came crashing on the shore. That was when I danced around with wild flowers tucked in my hair and the sun in my eyes. That was when the lines between friend and lover were blurred, and I was left to decide between the part of Sanghyuk I needed more.

 

I felt the heat before I even saw the sun, but I welcomed the sheen of sweat beading on my skin. The flowers were in full bloom, basking in the sun just as the girls lined up on the beach were. My tinted shades were the only thing that provided some sort of shelter, and I left the rest for the scorching heat to do as it pleased. The sounds of children’s laughter and the splashing water floated into the stale summer air, slowly gliding through the heat waves to reach my ears.

 

Lying on the soft fabric of the mat, I soaked in the rays of sun bleeding from the sky and shining on the grains of sand flooding the coast. Then suddenly, all the light was blocked out and the sun was eclipsed. A dark shadow stood over me, tall and strangely shaped like someone I was familiar with.

 

“Are you just going to lie here and not play with me?”

 

Sanghyuk had joined my family on our annual summer vacation, just as he did every other year. Han Sanghyuk was a name that once had been all that was uttered from my mouth. He was the boy that I had grown close to after his family moved into the apartment next to ours when I was a kid. He was the boy that had participated in my childish plays and I in his. He was the boy that held my hand and carried me on his back when I cried after tripping on my feet and spraining my ankle. He was the boy who was the only one allowed into my basement, my sacred heaven, back in middle school. And he was the boy I had to say goodbye to as I moved away for college.

 

But for three months every year, I had the chance to see him again and relive our childhood together.

 

And that was why summers were my favourite.

 

Even though a lot of time had passed, leaving us in our twenties and adjusting to the responsibilities of an adult, me and Sanghyuk never once took that as an excuse to change the way we were with each other. In my eyes, he was the little kid who was lactose intolerant and had an awkward habit of hugging whatever that was next to him in his sleep (Which, most times, happened to be me whenever we had sleepovers).

 

But right now, the image of a kid was slowly wearing off with the summer heat, melting into a form that was scarily familiar. A form that I had tried, again and again, to keep hidden in the darkest, deepest corners of my mind.

 

I pulled my sunglasses down slightly to rest on the bridge of my nose and looked up at him. Those same chubby cheeks I used to pinch and that same boyish smile gracing his lips looking back at me now began inducing a completely different adrenaline within me. He pulled me up from my spot and practically dragged me down to the water’s edge. With a scream, I was thrown into the cold embrace of the sea, completely helpless and defenseless. He jumped in after me, whooping before crashing into the water’s surface.

 

I sunk deeper and deeper as the clear waters engulfed me. And in that liquid universe, all I saw was him; gliding and paddling through as if it was the water was simply air in the atmosphere to him. He swam towards me, bubbles of oxygen floating to the surface from the corner of his nose, and the sweetest smile on his lips. The water kept me in place as he finally reached me, slowly closing his hand around mine. I watched, as if oxygen had become irrelevant to me, as if the water wasn’t already beginning to deafen my ears. He kicked and paddled towards the surface, and I trailed along behind him, hand still within his. We approached the surface, and the water no longer kept me prisoner to my thoughts in the silent, dark recesses of the ocean. I gasped and oxygen flooded my lungs once more, before quickly slapping away the stray hairs that were stuck on my face. The sounds of the commotion along the beach finally registered, but within that commotion was his laughter, loud and joyous. And I found myself bubbling with glee, weaving my own laughter with his and letting our voices fly through the summer air.

 

When the indigo and charcoal canopy clouded over the skies, both our families gathered around the bright orange lamp, our representation of a campfire, complete with yellow and blue strips of paper attached to it specially prepared by my little cousins. The men of the family were busy with grilling dinner, and the rest of us girls lounged around, mindless chatter filling the atmosphere. But there I sat huddled, my eyes staring intently into the amber filament of the bulb, and my mind worlds away. The nightfall was like a dose of water after a hangover, like a medicine that slowly eased the chaos of the mind. The dark skies helped piece together the fragments of thoughts in my mind, and the quiet whisper of the wind was the cure that drove the evils lurking out of my heart.

 

But even that wasn’t enough to stop a certain boy from materialising in my musings.

 

Just as a shiver crawled up my spine from the cool sea breeze, I felt the soft material of a sweater being draped over my shoulder. Before I could look up, I felt him settle beside me, his body merely centimeters away and his heat already creeping into my skin. “You should fatten up so you’d have some extra layers to keep you warm,” he says without meeting my eyes. I reached out to hit him out of habit, but before my fist could touch his arm, the strength in my hand weakened. The hit was barely a graze on the skin of his bicep, and I quickly retracted, pulling my hand back onto my lap. No, not this again, I thought to myself as memories flash before my eyes, pricking at my tears. I knew this feeling. This helplessness and hesitation. I knew it all too well.

 

So I held back.

 

Sanghyuk called a relative over to hand him some food, and kept the plate in his hands as he held the skewered meat out to me. I bit into it, letting the pure greasy delicacy overwhelm my taste buds. He brought the stick to his mouth and chomped down on the meat, side by side with missing teeth-shaped chunk of beef. It was simple things like this that I took as a slap to the face and a splash of reality. This was all routine to him. Sharing food, offering sweaters, holding hands. All this was just a habit built up out of years of friendship. And there I was, hopeful at the prospect of it meaning something more than what it actually did.

 

He was talking, and his voice was barely seeping through the haze of my mind. I nodded and smiled when I needed to, and hummed when he paused and waited for a response. Like a programmed machine. Like a routine.

 

Then suddenly I was tugged out of my thoughts when something he said made me freeze. Something that made me the proudest best friend alive, but the most heartbroken girl.

 

“I actually wanted to bring my girlfriend this summer to introduce her to the whole family, but she already made plans to visit her sister in Paris—“

 

Girlfriend.

 

Girlfriend.

 

My best friend had a girlfriend. One that he loved very much, telling from the pure look of adoration he held in his eyes as he spoke of her. Sanghyuk was someone else’s prince, and I was just another damsel desperate for someone to rescue me.

 

“— but at least I have you here for the rest of the summer, that way I won’t feel so lonely anymore.”

 

It was a bittersweet feeling, I had to say. Somewhere in my conscience, I knew it was impossible. Sanghyuk and I were bound by routines and habits that came with the decades of closeness. But my heart was just aching for some semblance of affection. And as much as I tried to make the illusion of sparks when we touched real, it was just useless. I was holding on to a hopeless daydream, a passing thought that could take me away from the earthly chains of time, and bring me up to the weightless domain of the clouds.

 

And that was all it would be; a fantasy.

 

I turned to him and poked his side, making him cry out. I chided him for hiding his girlfriend away from the family, and from me. He rubbed at the spot my finger had attacked, mumbling out that he had always wanted her to meet the family but that she was nervous and scared. We fell back into our usual playful banter, pushing each other’s buttons and driving the other up the wall.

 

And slowly, as each minute passed in his presence, I felt the corners of my lips tug.

 

Han Sanghyuk is the best friend that I mistook for a lover. He is the boy that I wanted to annoy even when we were old and wrinkly and barely holding up without the help of our walking sticks.

 

Han Sanghyuk is the summer that I always wanted to last. But the constraints of time forbade it, and so I hung onto every second of its sun.

 

Ultimately, the sun could not be kept hidden within my hands, and so I learnt to let go.

 

 

---

 

chanyeol; the one (spring)

 

When the frozen tears of winter hanging off the branches of the fig tree in the park turned to puddles on the soil; when the plants swelled with eager buds, awaiting its time to emerge in full bloom; when the world was exploding in emerald, sage, and lusty chartreuse— that was when I stayed awake into the night, because reality seemed a million times better than my dreams. That was when vulnerability wasn't something I feared, but embraced because I knew my heart would be safe even after the fall. That was when infatuation was a mere drop in the ocean, and love was an incomplete page of a book that no one else could write but two tethered souls. That was when I last fell in love, and fell again and again every single day for the rest of eternity with a man named Park Chanyeol.

The dull grey concrete buildings seemed to melt in a spectrum of colours, bleeding into the air like the cherry blossoms that floated on the tempest. The soft caress of the warm sun on my skin made me smile, as the sound of my heels clicked against the marble floors. I was finally at a good place in my life. At 24, it had been almost a year since I settled myself in at an advertising firm, I had great friends and family that would support me through thick and thin, I lived a comfortable lifestyle, and above all else, I was happy. But just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, life threw me a curveball that I couldn’t just swing at.

Life threw a certain giant from the accounts department in my path as I was making my way to the printing room.

 

He had tripped on his feet, landing face first onto the carpeted walkway. I gasped and my hands flew outwards, desperately trying to grasp at any part of his body to break his fall, but failed as he let out a pain-filled moan. He lay there for a good four seconds before pushing himself up, small grunts emmited into the quiet, air conditioned atmosphere. I burst out in laughter despite myself, as I watched him dust himself off and straighten out his vest. He whipped his head around to face me, his eyes dramatically widened in accusation.

 

“Gee, thanks for helping me, and y’know, laughing at my misery,” the bass of his voice reached my ears, and I froze for a moment as it suddenly became all too familiar to me.

 

“I’m so sorry about that! I didn’t mean to, I swear,” I responded sheepishly, breaking out of my temporary halt. His expression morphed into that of amusement and a bright smile stretched itself on his lips.

 

“Well, it was nice falling for you, miss…”

 

I was pretty flattered, to say the least. But I reminded myself that this was an advertising company after all, and it was our specialty to entice people with words. I completed his sentence with my name, chuckling at his choice of a cheesy pick up line. He nodded when he got my name, mumbling it out once to himself, before turning away and giving a salute as he walked away. I could only shake my head at the encounter and continued on my way to collect the print outs that were waiting for me. I gathered them and walked back to my cubicle, and it was as if something had possessed me to turn to look in the direction that he had left. And strangely, I felt a slight let down when I found that he had vanished.

 

The next time I saw him was at the revenue round up a few weeks later, which several representatives from each department had to attend. I sat with the rest of my media colleagues and busied myself with flipping through the year’s statistics, noting the improvements that we could work on the next project. It was when the other employees came trickling in that I felt a nudge at my side. I turned to my colleague and friend, who leaned in to whisper in my ear, a hint of delight in her voice.

 

“The cute guy from accounts is staring at you.”

 

I looked weirdly at her and the creepy grin on her blood red lips, before shifting my eyes slowly in the direction she was looking at. I didn’t have to look far, because on the opposite side of the wide oval table, was him. He, in his navy blazer and black dress shirt, and his hair coiffed to perfection but looking almost effortless, with his lips stretched to its corners to reveal a set of pearly whites aimed right at me. As soon my eyes caught his, the smile on his face grew, and he mouthed a ‘hi’. I couldn’t help the beam that crept up on my lips and I countered his greeting with a silent one of my own. I let my hair curtain around my red face, and looked back down at the papers on my lap, though the numbers were no longer registering and my mind was thrown into a different galaxy. 

 

I soon learned that the awkwardly tall, smiley and exquisitely charming man that made the hues in the gardens seem even more vivid to me was Park Chanyeol. And that I was destined to see more of him as the days passed.

 

Accidental run-ins and compulsory meetings turned to casual lunches and daily drives home. The inches of distance between our arms turned to occasional brushes of skin. And the ground under my feet seemed to have disappeared, leaving me to fall suddenly and powerfully, like the unstoppable force of gravity.

 

Chanyeol became the one I went for lunch with, and sometimes even dinner, when work was overwhelming and deadlines were daunting. He popped by my cubicle whenever he was free and leaned on the panel, talking about pretty much anything but work, and I let him chat my ear off, returning his sentiments when I wasn’t busy typing something up on the laptop. He hooked my arm through his on the weekends, walking to me through the city and bringing me to places he frequented. And on one day, he had me by the hand as he introduced me to his father, the man that lay resting for eternity within the earth’s embrace, as his girlfriend.

 

I didn’t realise it then, but Chanyeol was creating memories, forging marks in the pages of time that would remain forever.

 

Every flower that grew on the trees and bushes; every song that played over the radio in his car; every cloud that passed over our heads as we lay in the field of grass in the park; every raindrop that fell from the heavens became witness to how he held my hand and I held his, neither with the interest of ever letting go. And as I lay in bed at night, my body refusing to fall into slumber, I would think that god was cruel for making him so wonderful, and for making me so weak.

 

I was dancing on the edge of something new, though maybe not completely new, and I was ready to fall, because this fall was something I was meant to do all along. And so I closed my eyes, let go, and trusted that he’d always be there with arms outstretched, ready to catch me. I fell for everything that he was, and everything that he wasn’t. I free fell into a kaleidoscope of emotions, all its different colours bleeding together into one in his image.

 

When he smiled, I felt the world lighten, and when he cried, it was as if I had taken a dive into the River Styx. His happiness had become essential to my own, and that was when I knew.

 

And on that seemingly insignificant spring day, that was when I knew he was different.

 

That was when I knew this was different.

 

That was when I knew he was the one.

 

I became a familiar face around his house, often helping his mother in the kitchen on special occasions. I became best friends with his sister, who was a carbon copy of him physically, but had a complete 180 to his personality. And he became a returning guest at my house, warming the chair next to mine on Christmas and helping around with the grilling on Independence Day.

 

Pictures of me through the different stages in my life had long been revealed to him, each embarassing photo never hidden from his sight, all thanks to my mother. Also within those photo albums were photographs of the people that had once, at one point or another, had my heart in their possession. The adolescent images of Sanghyuk, the smiling faces of Taehyung and the handsome smirks of Sehun filled the pages of the albums. As I looked through it, I felt a lump in my throat and a growing warmth at the back of my eyes at the memories. My fingers froze and I smiled at the pictures, remembering the men who held special places in my heart. I didn’t know of the tears streaming down my cheeks and landing on the plastic cover of the album until I felt his hands grasp mine and his fingers wiping away its tracks. He seemed to know the significance of the faces smiling back at me, and slowly pulled the album into his lap.

 

“So, these were my competition, huh.”

 

I watched as he analysed their faces, flipping through and whispering out each of their names as noted below the pictures. Then he smiled, something he never failed to do but seemed to hold a completely different meaning this time, and looked back up at me.

 

“I have to thank them, then. They made you happy when I couldn’t, when I was still too busy searching for you.”

 

And just like that I felt myself rise and fall once more. With his simple words, I felt as if time was reversed and I was first beginning to let my heart fall. With the smile playing on his lips and the easy breeze of his sentiments, I found myself falling in love with Park Chanyeol all over again.

 

It was at the next family gathering that he had specially prepared a pinata, and handed me the pole to hit it. I accepted it, eyeing the grin that was plastered on his lips, before whacking the cardboard animal as hard as I could. It didn’t take long for the animal to relent and release its treasures, but to my childish diasppointment, there was no candy bursting from the tear. Instead, a single white packet fell to the grass. It was that day that both our families surrounded me and watched as I tore the packet open and revealed the most beautiful ring that landed on my palm. And it was that day that Chanyeol had hugged me from behind, his body like a cloak over mine, as he slipped the ring onto my finger and asked if he could be mine for the rest of forever. The cheers didn’t even register in my ears, because all I could see was Chanyeol, and the small scar on his cheek, and his left eye which was slightly smaller than his right, and the curve of his lips, and I knew the answer before my lips could speak it.

 

The next spring, as the crabapples floated to the ground in clusters of white and pink, and the rays of sun shined on the cream drapery hanging over the rows of attendees— I took slow but resolute steps down the white aisle, my hand resting on my father’s arm, walking towards the man at the end of the aisle. When the dead of the winter was slowly fading away, and the breath of life washed over the fields leaving revived greeneries in its wake, I promised myself to Chanyeol, and he to me. The promise, spoken in simple and unelegant words, was sealed with his lips meeting mine, moving in synchronised harmony.

 

Even after years had passed, never did I stop falling in love with Chanyeol. I shared my happiness with the man I last gave my heart to, and then with my two children I had been blessed with. When the sun had retired and the moon and the stars took its place, I lay in bed, reminiscing about all the loves I’ve had in the seasons of my life. I thought back to the autumns, the winters and the summers that had passed, but I kept in my memories. And as the familiar arm s around my waist and held me close to the warmth of his chest, I mused about the springs.

 

As the seasons come and go, each holding a different significance in one’s life; I chose to live in spring, where life was revived and hope was renewed, where love was abloom as the flowers were.

 

 

---

 A/N:

 

Hi!

 

So the reason I’ve put FFY on hold for all this while was because I was working on the piece, mostly for myself. This story started from something that crossed my mind, which evolved into a tweet, which then morphed into this. Funnily, the only reason I started this was because I was trying to find a way to describe what my biases meant to me. It sounded just so fanfic-like that I tried to writing it out. It’s something very personal because it’s so dear to me, and I swear, I don’t even know how many times I’ve stopped typing because I just couldn’t stop crying from how much I wanted all of this to be real. (There you go, the inner delusional fan in me, a demon that resides deep in the dark corners of my soul).

But yes, this is my very own personal fanfic starring me, or you if you want. I hope this wasn’t weird or anything, and I hope you like it! 

Thanks again!