Kyungsoo woke up with a jolt. He gasped heavily as his bare torso greeted the cold of the wind coming from the opened balcony door. He didn’t remember opening them, but he was deterred enough to not give a .

Through his blurred vision, Kyungsoo made an effort to adjust his eyes with his dim surrounding. Everything looked dark. Empty. No Jongin in sight. Then he curled into a ball because , Jongin is dead. His heart clenched and unclenched, and he knew it won’t make any difference because Jongin is ing dead.

He knew it was a late cause, it had imprinted at the back of his head that things would not change even if he tried to be better. How could he? How could he possibly smiled in this situation when everything feels so wrong to even shed a tear?

He couldn’t cry. No, he shouldn’t.

Kyungsoo knew he didn’t deserve to cry. He had hurt Jongin the day before, in fact, he didn’t even remember the last time he smiled at him. When he actually smiled, that curvature of his lips that sent signals to Jongin, that exact gesture to signify how much he loved Jongin.

No, he didn’t even kiss Jongin goodbye.

It had always been work. He was too engrossed in his career to notice how much he had neglected Jongin. And then those continuous fights they shared. It made him feel like they were no longer the same person. They’d change into a stranger, a stranger that lived together because… because, why?

Kyungsoo raked his brain to think of a reason. When the answer reached him, he gave a bitter smile. They decided to live together because they love each other, they wanted to spend their forever and watched the skies turned dark around them when the time comes. It sounded amazing that time, but now, it made his stomach churned in an agonizing way.

Because now, he was left alone in the dark and Jongin’s promise of together no longer applied.

He stirred in his position when he felt a new tear clouding his eye. There was no use to hide it, he was indeed alone and that was evident enough by the emptiness of his bed.

But then, his gaze shifted toward the bedside table, and there, he could see a mug of tea. He wondered if the tea had turned cold given that it was already midnight and the freezing breeze from outside didn’t make it any better.

Slowly, Kyungsoo reached for the mug with a shaky hand. Surprisingly, it was still warm. He smiled at that and took a large gulp from it. He was too occupied in drinking that he didn’t notice the faint rustling coming from the opened balcony. He was too dazed to realize that someone was watching him, with a genuine smile that was only directed for him.

“Ah, I keep on forgetting that you’re a light sleeper.”

Kyungsoo froze upon the familiarity of that voice. It was deep, soothing and so very Jongin. He raised his eyes immediately, and he didn’t care if the mug fell hard on the floor and all of the content soaked his bed. He didn’t mind the slight numb in his heart because this is Jongin. Jongin stood a few feet away from him, healthy and alive. He’s alive.

For once, Kyungsoo dared not to speak. Instead, he stared intently at the figure, as if waiting for him to disappear and be done with it. Maybe depression had its side effects and he was seeing things, he was believing the unbelievable. He blinked several times, yet Jongin didn’t budge.

“Miss me?” Jongin whispered quietly. It was Jongin’s characteristic to be this soft spoken. Kyungsoo knew too damn well. “I’m sorry I woke you up. The stars look pretty tonight, and I don’t want to–”

His eyes widened when Kyungsoo swung his legs out of the bed, fell on the floor with his knees hitting the ground with a loud thump. He made his way to aid the small man, but stopped in his track and Kyungsoo sat and pulled his knees closer to his chest.

Kyungsoo was sobbing terribly, his pathetic voice reverberated around the room in the silence of the night.

How could fate be so ing cruel? He not only lost Jongin, he was losing his mind too.

He promised to throw away the last of his pills, and maybe sue his therapist. This is getting out of hand. The fact that the ghost of Jongin started to haunt him, he didn’t know how they’ll diagnosed him.

“Soo baby?”

There it was again. Jongin’s voice. He must be hallucinating.

“Baby, don’t cry.”

Kyungsoo was sure that he was mad. He was truly a lunatic at this point because Jongin wrapped his arms around him, he could feel his muscles tensing against his shoulder. Jongin pressed his face toward the crook of his shoulder and Kyungsoo shuddered, panicked and sobbed as he could smell the sweet scent of his beloved.

He figured it was too late to deny his sanity, so he took his weak hands and clutched Jongin’s shoulder blade. His nails sink into the flesh, and he held on to the presence of Jongin like his life depended on it.

“There, there. I’m here, okay?”

Are you?

“I am always here for you.”

Are you even here?

“It’s been a while since we last hugged.”

Kyungsoo was a sobbing mess, pulling Jongin closer than ever and buried his face on the warmth that he missed. Why did everything felt too ing real? He felt like he was punished, tortured with illusion of being happy again. Because he knew he could never be one, not with the guilt of pushing Jongin away.

“Baby, you must be tired,” Jongin pulled away with difficulties. He cupped the crying man’s face and smiled, “What happened, baby?”

Kyungsoo blinked hard. What happened?

We fall apart, we stopped loving and you died, Jongin.

Yet he didn’t voice it out. He was afraid that Jongin will be gone once he told the truth.

“I miss you.” He croaked.

“I miss you too.” it sounded easy for Jongin, like he was born to tell Kyungsoo his honest feelings.

It had always been Jongin who was honest.

Kyungsoo knew that Jongin loved him more than he did, so it was no surprise that this realization made him cry again.

“Baby! What’s wrong?”

Jongin tilted his chin up, gazing at him straight in the eye and it was too heartbreaking that this was the same eye that Kyungsoo had caused numerous tears, the exact warm hazel that seemed to be disappointed when Kyungsoo dismissed his loving gesture because he had work to do. Yet, it was the same eye that never stopped looking at him like Kyungsoo was the best person in the