In between the white walls surrounding the equally white bed to the whiter sheets and duvet along the slender body, Sunggyu’s paleness still bolded in comparison to them, Myungsoo thought as he rested his cheek right beside the lifeless hand with needled wire connected on the back of it. He closed his eyes yet again, counted to ten very slowly this time before he braced himself and reopened them. Myungsoo felt a lump in his throat when the same scene was still encroaching his sight.

The door to this single room opened and in a very tired but equally distraught Woohyun entered. He wasn’t alone for Howon, who, upon entering and locking eyes with the unconscious body brought his legs to a standstill and kept his head down as he leaned on the nearest wall to the door as if ready to bolt out again, followed in the next second.

Myungsoo didn’t comment and Woohyun didn’t even acknowledge anyone but the one who couldn’t even look at him back. He noted Woohyun ghosting his fingers over Sunggyu’s hand curving atop of the shallow breathing of his chest. Woohyun never touched it for some reason and Myungsoo could probably understand since he too hadn’t find courage to do the same yet. It wasn’t his place to question so once again, Myungsoo didn’t comment and chose to join Sungjong who was still looking out the window at the grey sky of wee morning while cradling Sungyeol’s head to his chest, both of them on the leather couch that was too small for the three of them. Woohyun had always been the bravest of them all so what little privacy he could give might do the trick.

Silence continued however until the door was reopened to reveal all three of their managers with their company’s CEO trailing behind. No one made a move to greet, no one even care of his existence at this point and the CEO too wasn’t interested in getting treated like one from the very moment he arrived at the emergency room to see the distraught he had never encountered before from the kids. He had expected the worst when he noticed the lack of people in their usual group but temporarily was soothed by the fact that Dongwoo was way out of Korea, a calm that settled only for a moment remembering the one inside the emergency room.

He wasn’t exactly told about anything –all the managers were at their own personal matters after dropping whoever off and weren’t told anything aside that phone call about all of them at a hospital- and Sungjong who would usually be the first to cave in didn’t even spare him a flick of his big red puffy eyes. Woohyun kept asking anyone in scrub who went in and out of the treatment room to be quick, Myungsoo was looking anxiously at the door with tear stained face and Sungyeol was holding both Myungsoo’s and Sungjong’s hands, mumbling something unintelligible under his breath. Howon had stood the farthest, no words coming from him and only reacted when Sunggyu was mentioned.

His heart clenched.

Close to sixteen hours now and the only change from Sunggyu was the bandage on his palm had been taken off, replaced by a rectangular white waterproof dressing. It was a cut from a knife one of the nurses said but he didn’t know how Sunggyu got it. Another round of quick glance to the faces which refused to leave Sunggyu and the CEO pulled on an extra plastic chair at the end of the bed tiredly. He had gone home last night together with two of the managers but didn’t get any sufficient sleep. When a tall young man in a typical white coat entered with two nurses –a man and a woman-, everybody’s attention shifted dramatically. Their eyes were anxious with obvious mix of nervous desperation.

Everyone but Woohyun since he had heard bits and pieces when he was leaning close to the door of the emergency room during the treatment before Sunggyu was rolled into this single room of this fifth floor. His fingers curled tightly into his palms as feeling of anger to himself molded more and more. Sunggyu had never looked so pale until this happened, scaring Woohyun to the point of complete shut down until Sungjong yelled for hospital. With last night disaster still fresh in mind, Woohyun couldn’t think of anything positive right now despite the doctor’s insistence that Sunggyu was merely sleeping.

Last night when Sunggyu ceased all movement, Woohyun didn’t think he could continue living. Sungyeol was holding onto his elbow so tight and so hard throughout the taxi journey with Sunggyu stretched over their laps almost lifelessly. He faintly heard Sungyeol urging the taxi driver to be faster but his focus was on Sunggyu’s chest. Every other second, Woohyun would put a finger under Sunggyu’s nose, especially when he wasn’t sure whether Sunggyu’s chest was moving or not. Howon and the rest ran from the other taxi upon arriving at the emergency entrance and without any words, they all rushed behind the people in scrubs pushing the carrier Sunggyu was laying on until they were forced to stop from entering the room.

‘-around this time,’ Woohyun heard someone saying close by. He looked up to see the same doctor from last night leaning down while directing the lit torchlight into Sunggyu’s eyes one by one. ‘His body is still very weak but we are going to wake him up if he still doesn’t in another minute. Before that, I have to ask some things,’

Sungjong gripped onto the hem of Sungyeol’s shirt, ready for the worst. Sungyeol didn’t say anything but Sungjong took the soft rub to his wrist as a sign that the older male was as nervous as he was.

‘I know being an idol is stressful, or just a public figure in general.’ The doctor said. He stopped to lay a small smile when he met with Sungjong’s eyes but Sungjong couldn’t return even a fake one. The doctor didn’t look annoyed, not even slightly perturbed, probably used to being given empty stares, and continued, this time losing the light tone little by little. ‘But he wasn’t this miserable compared to the previous visits.’

‘He’d been here before?’ Sungjong heard the shock from the voice slightly behind him before the lazy sound of tight leather moving was followed with Myungsoo standing a foot away beside him. He took a glance around him and Sungjong didn’t know if he should be comforted when the rest of his band mates and even their boss wore the same surprise look over their feature.

‘Third time including this one.’

All eyes were on their maknae manager at the door, Yongin-hyung as they always called him, fourth one who was recruited last year when Infinite started moving into various individual schedules. This one was a lot closer to their age, just three years older than Sunggyu. He usually was in charge of anyone who had personal schedules that involved more than three days out of town, or so Sungjong was informed. It was a little peculiar that he wasn’t the one who had to follow Dongwoo.

Ah, Sungjong bit his bottom lip. He remembered why. Around four weeks ago, Sunggyu had this one schedule at the TV station and for some odd reason, the elder insisted that he wanted Yongin-hyung to go with him. Everybody would prefer to go with Yongin-hyung since he was less strict –in terms of time, food and such- than the other managers of them and so it wasn’t a surprise to hear Sungyeol had countered saying Yongin-hyung was already supposed to be with him and Sungjong. Sunggyu had pleaded and Yongin-hyung looked as if he was trying to come up with something logical to side with Sunggyu. Myungsoo had scoffed rudely and threw the magazine he was holding before leaving the small meeting room with a loud slam to the door. To make matter worst, Sungjong told Sunggyu to stop being pathetic greedy young master and to grow up.

He felt the back of his eyes stinging again as he stared down at the white tiled floor. Come to think of it, Sunggyu got back home a little paler than usual that day with Yongin-hyung supporting his walk. Sunggyu had pushed Yongin-hyung away when they noticed Sungjong, Sungyeol, Myungsoo and their other manager already waiting in front of the elevator. The two managers were fast into some whispered discussion and Sungjong remembered Sunggyu whispering “thank you for your hard work”. Sungyeol had pouted and said nothing, Myungsoo didn’t even acknowledge his presence and Sungjong only gave a silent side-glance.

‘He fainted after the recording that day when it was only me and him, few weeks back,’ Yongin continued, running his glance quickly over everyone in the room. His fingers scratched the back of his neck even though it wasn’t itchy then quickly added, ‘That was the only time he fainted, I swear, and since Haejin is my friend, I just brought him here. Haejin said he was just tired. Tell them, Haejin!’

Haejin, the doctor, smiled and nodded before taking the chart from the female nurse. ‘It’s true, or, well, was true. It was still true when you guys came two weeks ago, and since you said Sunggyu will be relatively free this month, I had prescribed medication and that should help him rest a lot. In other words, sleep. Especially for his vocal cord. I still remember telling him to-’

‘Hold it,’ the CEO who had been listening all this time stood up. A deep frown marred his forehead as frustration was showing not only from his face. ‘His vocal cord is hurting and you keep it a secret from me?’

Yongin opened his mouth but Haejin beat him to it. ‘He wasn’t hurt. Just the usual sore throat.’

‘But last night,’ Sungyeol stepped closer to the bed and stared into the doctor’s eyes. ‘Last night his voice was…. He wasn’t talking at all at first…And…and then we found him gasping and yelling. His voice was not like him. He sounded different,’

‘What had happened last night?’

Sungyeol bit his cheek, eyes instantly falling on the unmoving figure on the bed upon hearing the CEO’s question. The guys -CEO-nim, manager hyungs- had asked since last night but none of them had come right out and explain a thing. He knew they wouldn’t be able to hide this long but Sungyeol was seriously at a loss.

How should he begin to tell, or where should he start? Should he talk about forgetting to buy the cream puff from that famous bakery he passed by for Sunggyu when he bought for everyone else? Should he recount the way he joke about Sunggyu needing to lose weight anyway and finish the food right in front of the elder? Would describing how they all had laughed when Sunggyu had pouted and left with his shoulder down, or maybe hours later when he found Sunggyu curled up on the roughened sofa in one of the many mini studious in the building, hugging his stomach? Oh, how about that time when Sungyeol told Doojoon that Sunggyu was such a dirty pig when he knew that Sunggyu only smeared the hotdog sauce on his shirt accidentally that one time and even saying Sunggyu’s room was more worse than a pigsty, embarrassing Sunggyu in front of not only Doojoon but a few other singers surrounding the waiting area?

How could he tell anyone that he was merely joking when he knew it too that Sunggyu’s whines or smiles during those times were just an act of self defense to counter all the hurt? Good job Lee Sungyeol, sacrificing someone so dear to you, all for the sake of appearing funny to everyone who didn’t even have much meaning in your daily life.

‘We…I betrayed him.’

Howon finally tore his gaze off his shoes at the sound of that voice, mostly for the words that was just uttered. Woohyun didn’t look at anyone, didn’t even move a muscle as he was still standing close to Sunggyu and staring right at the peacefully sleeping figure. No one said anything to that confession, which Howon guessed because they were like him too, silently agreeing with Woohyun.

How could he not, when he was the one who had selfishly opened the Pandora box that wasn’t supposed to reside in his heart since the very beginning. He had replayed everything the whole night, trying to figure out what was the reason to his nonsensical burst last night. He had started with annoyance but it soon proved to be iffy since Sunggyu never bragged. The guys didn’t even look like a proud snobbish when he was being complimented for his excellent vocal. Sunggyu just looked grateful, even offering to stay behind with Howon when he kept on messing with his vocal training.

Maybe it was the way Sunggyu offered to help him or maybe Sunggyu shouldn’t have stick his nose into Howon’s problem and just be gone like the rest did. But who was he kidding, he was grateful that Sunggyu had stayed not only once or twice, but for the rest of the month and every other times that he asked. Stress? Most definitely. Sure, being public figure was like walking on egg shells, but what job in this world that was not stressful? Just because he chose to be a singer, an entertainer, an idol, it didn’t mean his job valid him to be holier or deserved more pity than others. 

Sunggyu was part of his world too, but he never started being greedy and getting jealous over anyone in Infinite at all, did he? Howon might not be the best in socializing but he was more than certain that Sunggyu had never once use his friendliness to meet the boss behind their back and ask for Howon’s part to be cut. Even if he did go see the boss without telling them first, Sunggyu always came back saying things like “Oh Sungjongie, your part has been added” or “Yeollie, they said this whole part is yours because your Japanese is the best” and even “Howon-ah! You got this singing part, you too Dongwoo!”

He closed his eyes and promptly, last night’s memory assaulted him.

‘Extreme stress,’ Doctor Haejin said after the long silence following Woohyun’s words just now. No one said anything so the young doctor took it as the cue for him to continue. ‘His muscles and joints are weak. He was overwork too but it wasn’t so bad, until he came unconscious last night. But let me assure you that he is not in any life threatening condition. He came with fever last weekend that keep on returning every two or three days. He was probably exposed to the chilly weather too much and coupled with the on and off fever, I guess it just worsens. I told him last weekend to refrain from talking too much unless it was unavoidable which he said he would after one last recoding of a song he was featured in. He looked so happy I didn’t have the heart to stop him. He is supposed to record it within this week he said, I wonder if it is done.’

Howon closed his eyes and slowly slid down to a crouch, thudding his head softly against the wall. Myungsoo was rubbing his temple as Sungyeol gripped on the edge of the bed close to Sunggyu’s feet while Sungjong found himself stepping back down on the sofa. The managers, two of them, were giving evil glare to Yongin for hiding this from them but it was the CEO who broke the doctor’s explanation and spoke what everybody else were thinking, ‘Will he…is he going to be fine?’

‘Ah,’ Doctor Haejin looked away from the health chart the soon he realized what he might have sounded like. ‘As I said, it's not life threatening. The stress and overwork will be fine as long as he keeps on resting this whole week, and takes all the vitamins and pills. He did hyperventilate after getting too worked up over something and pair that with his already troubled breathing from the cold, things just take a sudden shocking twist. It shouldn’t be a problem now as long as we keep him calm. The sore throat should be fine by then too, so does his voice-’

‘Doctor,’ one of the nurses said suddenly. ‘He’s awake!’

That one sentence brought the whole occupants of the room into sudden alert. Woohyun who was sure he had been doing nothing but watch Sunggyu was startled by the words. He leaned down with a palm already making its way to Sunggyu’s cheek as the elder slowly opened his eyes. Nonetheless, he was pushed away not a second later and vaguely heard a male voice telling them all to not crowd around the bed.

As the nurses helped Sunggyu by hiking the bed upwards, Doctor Haejin was making small talks while poking Sunggyu here and there. Woohyun on the other hand was getting antsy, torn between giving the doctor his time to fully check the still drowsy Sunggyu or neglecting everything and just hold Sunggyu close. He could feel the others standing close beside him, even the muted Howon.

On the bed, Sunggyu was still blinking, clueless probably trying to make sense of his surroundings. Woohyun thought he looked cute despite the condition the guy was in. He didn’t know how he had managed to not jump the elder when they were still sharing room. But then he was the one who had insisted on having a room to himself after a year of harboring this feeling for fear of starting anything he couldn’t finish. It would have been better if he never fell for Sunggyu, just like that time when they were still in their very old first dorm because maybe then he would still be happily sharing room with Sunggyu. Too little too late because loving Sunggyu proved to be one of the things that he didn’t even notice until he was far too gone.

What was the point of thinking about this when he had hurt Sunggyu so much to this point?

‘Sunggyu. How are you feeling?’ Doctor Haejin asked as the nurses moved away, giving the others the chance to see Sunggyu clearer. Sunggyu was eyeing the needled wire from his left hand as well as the grey polka dots piece on his body, still looking confused.

The first one to take a step forward was the boss himself seeing that none of the other kids tried to. The man was ready to call for Sunggyu’s attention when Sunggyu looked up to the doctor and opened his dry lips.

Something wasn’t right though.

Doctor Haejin’s smile slowly faded when Sunggyu’s lips bear no sound with each movement. Woohyun noticed too and he was more than certain that he wasn’t dreaming when he heard gasps and saw Sungjong covered his mouth. The one who didn’t seem to notice the oddity was the speaker himself. But it wasn’t for long.

Within seconds, Sunggyu was grasping his throat, still trying to make something sound more like a word and less like strained gasps of breath. His eyes were big and bulging in panic before sheen of water started to moist his red eyes. Not able to just silently watch this any longer, Woohyun rushed over. He held onto Sunggyu’s shoulder as the nurses were trying to hold Sunggyu’s flailing hands and legs. Their eyes met and that was when Sunggyu’s tears spilled.

Woohyun held on the cheek, trying to find the words to say but Doctor Haejin was pushing him away and consequently telling everyone to wait outside. Sunggyu was sobbing silently as he watched Woohyun being dragged out while Woohyun tried to keep his eyes on Sunggyu as long as he could until the door was closed.

This shouldn't be happenning.

The hands of time reached each other, striking the midnight in utter silence as it always did all the other prior days. Sungjong collected the untouched food and drink but decided to linger after seeing the body curling at the corner of the room under the opened window. Slowly, he lowered to the edge of the unkempt bed then closed his eyes.

It had been three days and although nothing got worst, Sunggyu was still voiceless. He was discharged this afternoon, Sungjong himself made sure he was there to pick up Sunggyu with one of their managers. As agreed by everyone, Sungjong kept up the light talk; the weather, the clothes, the food, heck, even the dog by the roadside. By the time the car stopped at a filming site and the manager was back with Woohyun and Sungyeol, Sungjong was out of topic. Yet, Sunggyu still didn’t react to anything. His empty eyes were glued to the window and even though Sungjong and their manager had purposely led Sunggyu to the middle seat, the man was still unresponsive. The house was left to Sungyeol and Sungjong later as Woohyun left for another schedule to fulfill and here Sungjong was, taking out the third plate that still went untouched.

A hand dropped over his shoulder when Sungjong was out of option as to how to get Sunggyu’s attention, or at least make him eat. He looked up to Sungyeol who was eyeing Sunggyu at the corner of the room –Sunggyu’s room-, this time with Myungsoo hovering over the ball of human.

‘Sunggyu-hyung? Are you sleeping?’ Myungsoo whispered loud enough for the sound to bounce within the room dense with silence. He got no response but Myungsoo didn’t give up. ‘I’m home. Would you like some fruit?’

Again, he was answered with silence. Don’t give up, he kept telling himself. So he didn’t. His fingers twitched nervously upon his decision but he softly, as not to startle, dropped them over the hands covering Sunggyu’s face and head. The skin was warm but he remembered Sungyeol saying the thermometer showed Sunggyu was fine, and that Sunggyu had taken his medicine earlier. With a quick glance to the two behind him, Myungsoo called forth his confidence to pull those hands away. He just wanted a look, at least a glance of that face he had been missing.

The violent pull shocked him. The bended legs were pulled closer to his chest right after and Myungsoo knew Sunggyu was more than awake. He heard a soft muffled cough but dared not another touch for fear that he would worsen Sunggyu’s condition. He made Sunggyu uncomfortable, why was he so stupid?

As Sunggyu coughed a couple more times, Myungsoo slowly retreated away, silently heading to the living room until he reached the pool of pillows and thin mattresses. He sat there with hands on his head when lithe fingers touched his shoulder. Myungsoo didn’t have to turn to know it was Sungyeol, more so when he captured those fingers into his own as they sat there in silence.

A little to half past midnight, Howon arrived with various plastic bags in hand. He saw Myungsoo and Sungyeol leaning side by side in the living room but decided he didn’t care. He knew Sunggyu came back this afternoon and quickly assumed that the dorm unit below would temporarily be empty for the time being, which was fine by him since he wasn’t sure his existence alone in this abode would help Sunggyu’s recovery. Especially after the stunt he pulled.

He quickly shook his head, willing himself to ignore his foolishness and head for the kitchen just to see Sungjong half bending on the chair facing the sink. Howon exhaled and cleared his throat, but his try to catch Sungjong’s attention failed. He dropped the various things on the table nearby and proceeded to stand in front of the maknae before slowly wrapping an arm over Sungjong’s back. It startled Sungjong but Howon just pulled the younger closer in a one arm hug. He figured keeping the food refrigerated could wait, at least until Sungjong’s arms around him loosened or when the soft sniffles against his torso reduced to nothing.

He heard the front door decoding before the usual unlocked sound pierced through the silence of the house. Howon looked up just as Woohyun passed by without acknowledging anything around him. His focus was only on the narrow hallway that would lead to Sunggyu’s room where Howon couldn’t brave himself to go to. So he just closed his eyes, digging his fingers into Sungjong’s shoulder as he leaned down and buried his face into the soft tuft of brown hair.

Upon noticing the emptiness of Sunggyu’s bed, Woohyun had almost panicked, and was about ready to yell for the others when he spotted the one and only under the opened window. Woohyun didn’t know he was this weak, even had to lean his shoulder against the door frame for a good one minute before he was sure the familiar muggy calmness embraced his mind and heart again. He let the backpack sidled to the floor the moment he closed the door while he shrugged off the black jacket and chugged it somewhere in the room. The action usually got him a nag from Sunggyu as the elder took it over to the dirty clothes basket or hung it up. How he hoped Sunggyu would do the same too now.

The first thing he did was to rest his palm over Sunggyu’s forehead, much like what he did earlier today when Sunggyu was playing statue. Well, Sunggyu was still at that until Woohyun tried to pull the hands covering most of his head and face. Sunggyu started to curl further and tried to cover his head more. Irked, Woohyun tried again only to be treated the exact same way. Not wanting to scare Sunggyu however, Woohyun stopped and just sat on the floor behind the frail curve of a man who used to have so many things to say if given the chance.

‘Have you eaten?’

Silence.

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