The Same.

"I asked you a thousand times!!! I gave you the chance to tell me the truth!!!"

"I know, but..."

"Shut up!!! I gave you the chance to tell the truth!!! I asked you again and again!!!"

"Sorry, I know I lied to you"

"You could tell me the truth!!! Everytime I asked about that!!!"

"I shouldn’t have lied to you, I know, sorry, forgive me"

"No!!! I asked you!!!"

Jiyong didn't know what to say besides "sorry" and "forgive me". He dated Kiko and married her for years, but that morning he gave some papers to his wife and asked for divorce. At first Kiko stared at him expressionlessly, later she threw the papers against him and started yelling and arguing... for hours.

"Isn't better to end a relationship without love?"

"You've never loved me!!! You've always loved Seunghyun!!! Your friend"

"What are you talking about?! I don't see him since he moved to New York"

"It's because of him!!! I asked you a thousand of times if you were gay, if you loved him!!!"

"Look, Kiko, calm down, I've loved you for real, but I just..." Jiyong looked for excuses while Kiko signed the papers and walked away with tears in her eyes, she didn't want to cry before him, she wasn't going to give him the joy to ruin her anymore. Ten years of dating and ten years of marriage, she was done.

Jiyong was in his forties, he could start brand new; new bachelor life, new single and, maybe next, new album. But deep down he didn't feel like starting at all. the fight with Kiko made him think a lot, it wasn't lie, he really loved her and he didn't think about Seunghyun for years until she said things like "You love him", "You still have feelings for him", "Why didn't you tell me the truth?" The truth was not even Jiyong knew his real feelings anymore.

Two years later.

Jiyong was in Los Angeles making songs for his new album. His best friend Youngbae was by his side, they thought to make a single together; everything looked like the old times.

“Hey, Ji, there's a new sushi bar next to the Chinese Theater, let's take dinner there tonight”

“Sounds cool” the younger replied smiling.

They finished the songs and went to the new sushi bar, the decoration was 100% japanese style giving the customers the feeling they were indeed in Japan. A waitress took them to a VIP room and served sake for them before handing the menus.

"What do you feel like eating?" Youngbae asked curious.

"Whatever, bro, I’m hungry"

"Hey, ma'am" Youngbae called for the waitress "Please, bring us, saba, tago nikiri, tamagoyaki, anago, hamachi, ebi and uni..."

"Oh, wait, miso ramen" Jiyong said.

"Do you want miso ramen too, sir?" the woman asked Youngbae.

"I guess so, give me two"

The waitress nodded and left for the kitchen.

"Are you gonna eat two ramens? The dishes are big, man" Jiyong exclaimed in surprise. 

"It's not for me, it's for our friend"

"What friend?"

 "It's surprise"

The shoji style door opened bringing a tall and sun kissed skin man inside.

"Sorry for being late" the stranger said with a familiar voice to Jiyong.

"Man, you live like two blocks from here" Youngbae said.

"I had to end filming that fight scene first"

Jiyong kept listening to that masculine and soft voice without facing him. Then the stranger sat down by his side, Jiyong could smell an aroma like roses in a rainy forest.

"Hi, Jiyong-ah" the stranger said.

The mentioned turned his head and stared at the man before him, he didn't change at all, at least his face, he was beautiful and youthful like always with some innocent mischievousness in his big black eyes.

"Hi, Seunghyun" Jiyong said without knowing if hugging the older. The last time they saw each other was years ago, they didn't keep in touch, sometimes they sent Christmas cards and best wishes for birthdays, but nothing important.

"Surprise!" Youngbae said blissfully.

"That's a surprise" Jiyong said with a hurricane of feelings.

"How have you been?" Seunghyun asked to his dongsae.

"Fine" the blond haired man replied "And you?"

"Fine"

"Hey, ask me if I'm fine!!!" Youngbae yelled at Seunghyun.

"I always ask you" Seunghyun replied.

"Because I always call you, you never call back" Youngbae said.

"Do you always call Seunghyun?" Jiyong asked to his best friend.

"Of course, friends gotta keep in touch" Youngbae said "Everyday I talk to Daesung and Seungri. Little Seunghyun always calls back to tell me how well he is doing in japan. Daesung sometimes call back too, just big Seunghyun leaves me talking alone"

"I'm busy because of the movie I'm making now" Seunghyun said embarrassingly.

"Excuses" Youngbae said.

"I'm here now"

While they argued, Jiyong felt like a bad friend, he just kept in touch with Youngbae and he sometimes saw Daesung at YG and Seungri in Japan when he traveled around, but he didn't even know their phone numbers. The next hour, Youngbae and Seunghyun talked about a lot of things, even things that happened a long time ago, things they weren’t sure about anymore. Jiyong just kept silence and ate, he was lost out of words, Seunghyun looked at him and smiled to him and he nodded and kept eating, it was as if they didn't know each other at all.

       Craving, hating and trusting someone

I live with the scars I caused

At midnight, they left the bar; Youngbae grabbed Jiyong by the arm and whispered something to him.

"Are you kidding!!!" Jiyong said loudly as his friend gave him puppy eyes face "How am I going to go back home?!"

"I'm sure our friend can help" Youngbae reached for Seunghyun "Be good Seunghyunie and take Jiyong to the hotel. I have a date, ho, ho”

"Sure" the older replied.

"See you tomorrow" Youngbae said and left.

"Sorry, I can take a cab” the blond haired man said.

"It’s hard to get a cab this late” Seunghyun said “You’re in Hilton, right? I’ll take you”

Hesitantly, Jiyong followed Seunghyun to the parking lot and they went to the hotel. The sky was gray and started raining violently. Soon the singer couldn’t see a thing but a window full of raindrops.

"Thank your for the ride” Jiyong said once they reached the hotel.

"Hey, Ji, you don't have to be so polite, we're friends"

"I know, but we haven't seen each other for years!"

"I know you divorced from Kiko and made an album #1 as usual, you dated few models and even got engaged, but you broke up later and now you're here to prepare a new album" Seunghyun said and Jiyong looked at him in surprise "Don't be scared, I'm not a stalker, Youngbae talks me everything"

"I always thought the chatty one is Daesung"

“Don't get me started" Seunghyun said "He calls me like every minute to talk me about his variety shows, his pets, his wife, I think he’s writing a book of poems... The movies he watches, the songs he listens to... and when I hang up, Seungri calls and brags about his lover, so many women after him"

"It seems you talk to everybody" Jiyong laughed uncomfortably.

"Not everybody" Seunghyun gave a meaningful look to Jiyong.

"I'm sorry for not calling"

"I don't blame you, you're busy"

"I am... but I could have grabbed the phone and tell you about my breakfast or dinner or the last thing I saw on TV"

"Well, I know you took orange juice, coffee and omelets for breakfast today" 

"Did Youngbae talk about that?"

"I saw the pic on Instagram" Seunghyun said "Maybe I'm a stalker" he went out of the car and opened the door for the younger man. He spread an umbrella and offered to him. Jiyong got out of the car and looked up him, he forgot the difference of heights, Seunghyun always was taller, friends said things like they seemed a couple. There was a lie and there was a truth in those words, they never were a couple, but they felt things for each other, they kissed plenty times and even had x, but they never gave a meaning to the things they did; Jiyong married Kiko and Seunghyun left for America.

"Are we going to pretend like this for forever?" Jiyong asked shortly.

"That happened long time ago, you got married, remember?" Seunghyun replied at time he held the umbrella tightly. He needed support for the past memories he tried forgetting so hard, even if they never talked about that, he was sure he had feelings for Jiyong, not friendship, not brothers: love. Love like lovers, love like a man could love a woman, in his case, love like a man loving another man. Seunghyun thought in his silence, Jiyong felt the same, but Jiyong got married and there weren’t things left to say, he went to America, not for the chance to make it big in Hollywood, but to run away from a love that couldn’t be between two men.

"I'm not with her anymore"

"So? Jiyong, it's been so many years, we can't retake what we had” Seunghyun tried taking importance off that “We were young, teens” he even laughed to make those feelings funny.

"Who says that?"

Seunghyun held Jiyong by the arm, approached to him and leaned to kiss him; the kiss was cold like the rain that fell. In some point the umbrella fell to his feet.

"Do you still love me? Did you even love me before?" Seunghyun asked hopelessly “You made it clear when you chose her and no matter how hurt and in pain I was, I prayed for you two to have a great family full of children and happiness”

"That didn’t happen, I love Kiko, but I felt lonely by her side, something was missing, these years I’ve felt desolation and now with you, all suddenly…”

"Don’t say a thing”

“I’m confused”

Five years later.

All the news and magazines talked about Seunghyun returning to South Korea to promote his latest movie which he played a man with no memory who is locked in a madhouse and always a woman dressed in red goes to visit him and he slowly starts remembering...

Jiyong was showbiz's royalty, he got several VIP entries for the movie, but he didn’t want to go alone. Youngbae was touring Asia. CL was in town, but she was busy with a photo-shoot. He thought the best was not going, mainly because of the way he ended up with Seunghyun the last time; the actor kissed him and he said “I’m confused”.

“I’m not going” Jiyong said to his manager.

"You can't not going, people would say you aren't friends anymore and you hate each other, that can damage BIGBANG's image" the old man said.

"BIGBANG is done for years"

"But the fans still love you, guys, so you have to go"

"Ok" Jiyong replied and went to the premiere.

Paparazzi followed him everywhere until the after party, just for VIP guests, Jiyong got some privacy, he was sitting faraway from Seunghyun, the actor was enjoying the night with his costars. Perhaps too much wine or too much sweet cocktails, but Jiyong wasn’t confused anymore and he wanted Seunghyun to know. He got up from his seat and walked towards the actor’s table.

"Nice to see you tonight, Jiyong-ah" Seunghyun greeted him cheerfully.

"Seunghyun, can we talk?"

"No" the actor said-cold shoulder.

“It won’t take long”

“Sorry, I can’t, I’m returning to the hotel” Seunghyun said and left coldly (even if he had a big smile on his face=

Jiyong tried following him, but some idols approached to him and told him how much they admired him, the blonde man smiled and took pics with them. Once he was free, he went to his car and drove to the hotel. The manager was in the lobby and recognized the famous artist of all the times in Korea.

"Goodnight, Kwon nim” the manager said.

"Goodnight. I’d like to talk to Choi Seunghyun”

"Sorry, he's busy"

"Tell him I'm Kwon Jiyong"

"Sir, he told to say this; he’s busy if you ever asked”

"What the hell?!" Jiyong became mad "Which's his room?"

"The presidential suite, but you can't go there if he doesn't give you permission"

"I don't need permission" Jiyong rushed to the elevator and reached for the presidential suite, he didn't even knock the door; he opened it and stepped inside.

Seunghyun was drinking wine and looking, with nostalgia, the skyscrapers from the window.

"Jiyong-ah?" Seunghyun was in shock, he clearly told the manager to avoid BIGBANG’s leader.

Jiyong stared at him, the black haired man wore a robe and his hair was wet, it seemed he just left the bathroom.

"The only thing I want is talk to you”

"And I said no”

"Why? It’s been five years… Are you still mad for the last time?”

"Look, Jiyong, I can't do this anymore"

"What?"

"Kiss and whatever we do or we don’t. I’m tired of having hopes and you saying you're confused" Seunghyun said "It's tiresome, aren't you sick of being confused?"

Jiyong held Seunghyun’s arm and caressed him softly while he kissed him, Seunghyun startled and thought pushing him way, but he kissed Jiyong back in earnest. His hands started to roam and his fingertips ran over the younger man's body.

“Stop it! I don’t want this anymore!” Seunghyun yelled no matter how much he wanted to make love to Jiyong right now. So many years he dreamed, he became obsessive, he waited for Jiyong like a poor door needy of love, to this present he couldn’t anymore.

“You, in silence, always blame me for being confused, but I blame you for not fighting for me, you could have fought for me when I chose her, you could stop the wedding, you could go for me, but you gave up on me so easily… When I met you at that sushi bar years ago, I hated you, how could you show up as if nothing after running away? I was young, I didn’t know how much I loved you, I didn’t know and you walked away…”

“What the are you taking about?!” Seunghyun yelled loudly.

“I don’t know, I’m confused, remember? Bastard coward!!!” Jiyong, finally, said the things he buried inside his chest for so many years.

Flashback

“Seungri told me you proposed to Kiko” Seunghyun said once he met Jiyong in the studio.

“Yes…”

“Did she say yes?” the rapper asked and the younger nodded “I’m glad for you”

Jiyong felt his heart break into pieces, last night they were cuddling together, Seunghyun said in whispers how much he loved him, Jiyong pretended not to hear, because the older was drunk, but the way he held him in his arms, Jiyong knew was true, but now, Seunghyun was congratulating him for the engagement. He was G-dragon, the best sht ever, that didn’t mean Jiyong had everything figure out, love was unknown and hard for him like other human beings, he liked when he kissed his hyung, he liked when his hyung made love to him, was passionate and savage, there was romance and tenderness too. Of course, he made it to Kiko and felt fuking good, but he didn’t feel the things he felt for Seunghyun, in his arms he felt save, happy, forever…

So… You love me and letting me marry someone else… Make my life with someone else…

Endflashback

“Can we start again? Can you run away this time with me?” Jiyong asked brokenly as he buried his face full of tears into the older’s chest.

Twenty years later.

“Jiyong, breakfast is ready” Seunghyun said and showed up in the room they shared together with a tray with pancakes and strawberry marmalade.

Like everyday, Jiyong waited for his husband to bring him breakfast, but that day his face didn’t look so willing, it seemed in pain.

“The pain again?” Seunghyun asked as he placed the tray on the night table and sat on the bed and caressed Jiyong’s forehead gently.

“It’ nothing, I’ll sle…”

“We’re going to the doctor right now” Seunghyun demanded and helped him to get dressed.

They ran away to Las Vegas and got Married to each other, didn’t sound romantic, but finally they were together and for the last twenty years, they lived happily in New York and even adopted a girl and a boy, now they were grown-ups living their lives.

When they arrived to the hospital, the pain in Jiyong’s stomach spread, he couldn’t handle it anymore and nurses took him to emergency. Specialists discovered abdominal cancer that spread from his appendix, was a rare type of cancer, but it could be removed with surgery in Korea. Seunghyun didn’t waste time and called Youngbae to prepare everything in the clinic while he got a private flight for him and Jiyong, they returned to Seoul eight hours later and rushed to the clinic in the ambulance that waited for them.

Twenty years, nothing changed in Korea’s laws, the same partner marriage was still a crime. When the doctor approached to Seunghyun to sign the papers, the young doctor looked at the old man in confusion.

“Who are you? I need a familiar to sign the papers for the surgery”

Seunghyun half opened his mouth, he wanted to say “I’m his husband”, but that was just legal in America, in Korea, they weren’t nothing.

“Prepare the surgery, I’ll be back soon” Seunghyun said and went to the lobby, he found a phone and called Dami, she was at work, but rushed to the hospital, Seunghyun grabbed her by the arm and took her to emergency.

She went with the doctor to sign the papers while Seunghyun and Youngbae waited outside because they weren’t family. Several hours passes by without news, Dami entered to the surgery room and never came back up until late night.

“How is Jiyong?!” Seunghyun asked frightened and nervous.

“The surgery went fine, but it doesn’t mean he is…” she said in tears “There are more chances of he…. than….”

Youngbae was sitting in the waiting room, he felt powerless for his friend.

“I want to see him” Seunghyun said.

“He’s in CCU” Dami replied.

Seunghyun ran towards the elevator and went to the CCU’s floor; a nurse stopped in front of and prevented him from entering.

“Only family can go in”

In frustration, the black haired man bit his lower lip, he couldn’t say “I’m family, I’m his husband”

“He’s our big brother” Dami said from behind and the nurse stared at Seunghyun with suspicion and awkwardness. Everybody knew they were ex-members from BIGBANG AND everybody body knew they were married to each other in somewhere outside Korea.

“You can have few minutes with the patient” she said and let Seunghyun to enter.

The corridors were dark and narrow; Seunghyun reached the CCU room where Jiyong rested, he was fragile like a piece of crystal. Seunghyun was so hurt he couldn’t cry, he didn’t want to cry, Jiyong said how much he loved his smile, so Seunghyun tried hard to smile for his partner.

“I’m here” Seunghyun said.

“I know…” Jiyong replied and spread his hand, but he couldn’t touch him.

The older held the hand and squeezed it softly to not hurt him. Jiyong was so weak he couldn’t even hold him back.

“Sorry”

“For what?”

“For not telling you how much I love you from the beginning, for wasting the time”

“We wasted time, of course, we were stubborn and cowards, but in the end, the last years have been the greatest, the best… There’s nothing to be sorry about… Being able to see you every day, being in your arms every night… Having a family together even if it’s not here… The wasted time worth it”

“I feel the same”

"Let’s stay behind and disappear somewhere"
You’d probably laugh at me if I said something like that