Flashback 4 – 04-08-2012

                For this day, I didn’t know should I tell you or not at first. Because today I didn’t have anything special with JB but I had it with Hoya. Or was I wrong by saying it was special? Well you’ll find it out by yourself.

                Since today was weekend, I decided to go to my hiding place. It wasn’t exactly a place where I like to hide anyway. It was just a place where I like to spent my time alone. The place wasn’t anything close to nice but it was comfortable enough. I had bring my sketch book, pencil and anything that I need for drawing. I like to paint or draw here than anywhere. And I really didn’t have any reason of why it could be like that. So I started drawing after I had enough rest from walking from my apartment to my hiding place. It wasn’t that far actually, but still tiring. I was drawing when I heard the door opened. Howon came. alright. “hi”, I said with a smile written on my face. And well he probably is blind if he hadn’t notice I was faking a smile. Like seriously what did he do here, right?

                “so you are here”, he said. I stood on my seat and walked toward him while saying, “well you can see it by yourself”. I was standing right in front of him when he pulled me into a hug. He put his big muscular hands around me. I could feel every tense he put on his arm and I could feel his uncontrolled breath on my neck. I didn’t know what should I do so I just stood there, I didn’t hug him back and just put my hands beside my body. After a moment I pushed him away and he stared at me while saying, “do you hate me that much?”. Why did he even ask something like that? I wondered myself why couldn’t I hate him no matter how many time my heart is broken because of him. The truth is I still am in love with him, so I can’t hate him. it sounded stupid but then I would never hate him. instead of gave him answer I asked, “what are you doing here?”.

“I was looking for you, Hana”, he said.

“there is no need for you to do useless thing, you know?”

“I…”, He was about to say something when I cut him off, “I don’t know what do you intend to do. But please just stay away from me”

“Hana I am so sorry, I just want to make everything clear between us”

“stop howon, just leave. Don’t you think it hurts me more to have you in front of me talking to me like everything between us is fine?”

“I didn’t mean that-“, he said while trying to touch my hand. I pulled away and said, “leave now.” and with that he left me.

                I meant it when I said I wanted him to leave. Because every time I look at his eyes that was when every piece of my broken heart start hoping again, hoping for a chance between Howon and I to be like we used to be. My heart is already broken, so I never hope to broke it even more. So just let me be like this, cold, heartless or whatever it is you called me. at least I will not feel pain anymore. And for now on it seems impossible to me.

Flashback 5 – 06-08-12

                I still talked to Jaebum again via direct message on twitter. I didn’t bother to ask him his phone number so it would be easier for us to communicate. Truth is i wanted his phone number but then again being a woman with pride I would not ask for it before he asked for my number first. Anyway he told me by today he would left New York and went to Korea again. I was sad actually. But being the woman with pride again, I would never admit it to him. I promised him to come to airport for the-not-so-important-farewell that was what he said though. He explained to me that he would meet me again. He didn’t know when but he promised there would come a time where they could meet again.

Flashback 6 - 06-01-2013

                It has been a few months since the last time I met Jaebum. I still talked to him each days. And somehow everytime I talked to him made me happy. I didn’t know. He didn’t even try to make me smile or neither try to cheer me up when I was having a hard time living alone at NY. He was just being himself. You guys perhaps think that I am starting to fall in love with Jaebum, right? No, I am not. I still am until this moment in love with Howon. And I didn’t know what could make me completely move on from the thought of Howon. After all, Howon is the best memory I’ve ever had I guess he will always be the best memory.

                Anyway today was Jaebum’s birthday so I was going to surprise him by coming to Korea. I didn’t know what he wanted the most so I just wanted to come at least I could see him again. He told me over and over that he missed me. and so do I, I miss him a lot. I guess it would be nice for me to meet him again.

                I arrived at Korea in early morning about 7 a.m. Since I didn’t have many free times I told Jaebum to come to my favorite place at 10 a.m. Do you remember a place where I met Bora? When I talked to her about my painting and when we were on our way back Bora got an accident? I told him to come there. I have no specific reason of why I had to choose that place beside it  is still my favorite even though it keep on reminding me of what had happened to Bora. Not long after I arrived there, Jaebum came with a huge smile written on his face. He ran to me and hugged me like I am his older sister. “I miss you”, he said after he released me.

“I miss you too, jaebum-ah”.

“why didn’t you tell me that you are going to come today?”, he asked me with a smile still written on his face.

“then It wouldn’t be a surprise”, I said and chuckled to his reaction. “happy birthday, jaebum. It is nice to have you as someone to rely on”, I continued while gave him his birthday present.

“thank you”, he took his birthday present and stared at me for a few seconds until he pulled me into a hug again.

                After spent a few minutes of awkwardness we decided to talk more in here. He told me things that already happened here, how good his day was and how bad it could be. Well that’s life. And so did I, I told him many things that happened when he left NY. Somehow, nothing gone too wrong but still I guess it would be nice if you have someone to accompany you. I never told him about Howon though. I didn’t know why beside the fact he told me a few times about a girl he likes I never bother to tell him otherwise. It was fun to talk to him, again. Until he asked me why I choose this place over so many places that perhaps more pretty than here. I gave him the most simple answer that this is my favorite place but then he could read my face and said, “is there anything happened before in this place?”.

                I looked straight to the calm water that reflected sun light. The smell of wind and how it blew my hair. It has the same condition like I had before when I talked to Bora. And again it reminded me of so many things happened between me and Howon in this place. After awhile I finally said something, “so many things happened in this place”. I looked at him with a smile but he looked at me as if he pitied me and I really didn’t like it when someone pity me. it would make everything harder than it was when someone pity me so I told him that I am fine. I told him for the very first, for when I met Howon and how Howon and I growing fond to each other. How we spent a lot of fun times here. How I left korea and Howon to pursue my dream. How I came back and I met Bora and Hoya. And until how bora and I had a nice talk that somehow didn’t end well because the accident that happened to Bora. It wasn’t a very nice story to hear. For a moment we just stayed quiet and again he pulled me into a hug.

                He put his hands around me and I could feel his hot breath on my neck. He didn’t say anything but I knew he wanted to make me at least be okay for awhile. My body trembling because I was trying hard to not let myself cry in front of him. But I failed. And it felt good to finally let everything out. I felt so bad and relief in the same time. I cried at his chest silently and he patted my back as if he tried to say, ‘it’s okay just cry’. We didn’t say anything but for me to know that he was there beside me and wanted to support me is more than enough. After awhile he pulled back and looked straight into my eyes and I did nothing but stared back. He wiped the tears that left on my cheeks while saying, “I love you”.