If I fall down all I have to do is get up.

All this time I am always believe in these words.

But, why is it feel so hard and impossible now ?

Now, I sink even deeper into despair every time I try to lift my head up.

I am feel like I want to give up and let go of everything, so my heart will in ease.

I just want to emptied out my hands that have grasp many things.

But, what makes me more desperate is, why is it too  hard to let go of everything  ?

It’s hurt to keep them, but it’s scare me to let them go.

So  like a crazy person, I am always freak out when I am alone.
Don’t know what to do …

Going on a survival program is another torture for me.

Just at the moment when I think that I’ve reach my dreams, the world break my tired legs and push me back.

If the light goes out, all I have to do is turn it on

I don’t know since when, but I like darkness more than those bright light.

Pour out all of my feeling while staring at the dark sky.

And something wet will drop on my cheeks, I don’t know what it is.

Rain drops ? No, it’s not raining that night.

And I can hear a sad voice of someone cries.

How can a human cries can be so wrenching like this ?

Who is it ?

It’s you.

And the cries get more depressing.

So how could I protect myself ? How could I keep myself sane ?

Lose, lose and lose.

We’ve lose countless times.

Lacking at this, lacking at that…

The pressure on my shoulder are grow heavier each day that makes me can’t stand straightly again.

Even if I poured all of my tears it’s can’t describe how desperate and broken I am.

I just want to stop and rest for a while. 

“The winning Team will makes their Debut after the show ended. And the losing team will be disbanded..”

God must be really hates me.

Or not…

Because  we win, I’m win. I am happy really, but a part of my heart feel sad.

Once again ‘Thank you, God’

I become worried about myself who made it through the countless hardship, disgustingly

I think hell is really exist in this world.

And I was in it right now. There’s no exit from here. I’m trapped.

Holding back everything;  pain, hurt and the torture.

Sometimes I’m worried if I’ll go insane without I myself realize it.

“How long it’ll be ?”

“Can I make it till the day is coming?”

“Is it okay if I giving up ?”

These kind of thought keeps on haunting me down. They even appears in my dream, never let me sleep in peace.

But, the main question is “Am I okay ?”

I don’t even know how is it to be ‘Okay’ and ‘Not Okay’.

Even though it was like that, I keep on run my life like there’s nothing happened. Going to the studio, makes some melody, recording and practicing.

I’m good at putting some mask on, aren’t I ?

“You’re going to debut in august, so be ready and put your best”

The burden inside of my heart being lifting up a little. I can feel my lips lift up, smiling, showing my white teeth that replied with the same action by others member.

So we work really hard for this. Tired because lack of sleep, it doesn’t matter we want to give our best for our fans that has been waiting so long.

“hmm.. the song is pretty good. But, I have something to tell to you guys, I hope you didn’t mind..”

We just stare at him. Waiting for what is he going to say ?

“It’ll be good if Team B helping you out for your debut album, what do you think ?”

I’m more than happy hearing this news. They’re our friends so I don’t mind it at all instead I’m happy, because of our busy schedule I can’t meet them after the show.

“Empty will be the 1^st title track and Color ring will be the 2^nd title track”

I don’t know what our boss said before and after this sentence, because the moment he said this my brain stopped process anything that come out from his mouth. It stuck in my mind and won’t stop replying like a broken tape.

Am I too selfish and arrogant if I said that I’m disappointed ?

Am I too greedy and don’t know how to be thankful if I want our song to be the main title track ?

Am I not allowed to feel this kind of feeling ?

Are my song can’t satisfied him ?

Why it is always like this ? He always push me aside, am I not that satisfying ?

Can’t he at least for once recognize me.

This circumstance  make me feel desperate.

But, what can I do ? I have to receive it.

Like it or not.

Maybe for some people it looks like I am being ungrateful , because they don’t know how it feel.

It’s okay, just let them think like how they want it to be.

From here I understand that in this life everything can’t go on like how we want it and hope.

All we have to do is fight or receive it.

UPDATE